Young Writers Society

Pain Killers
A Fan-art based on Stephanie Meyers, "The Twilight Saga"


Alec and Jane are two twins that early in life lost their parents. Their mother was murdered by their father who went missing after the murder. Therefore Alec and Jane grew up with a young woman called Caroline Carling in a little house in northern Salem. The story take place during the 16:th century and Alec and Jane are in their true teens. 7 years have passed since their mother was murdered but Jane still got nightmares and Alec still can't sleep at night. Every day seems to be the other one alike until someone knocks on the door, their father. his visit puts a mark on Alec and soon every day is a new story. Wierd and unexpected things, things impossible to explain starts to happen and all eyes are on the odd twins. When the witch hunt has begun Jane and Alec aren't late to be the ones burning in the fires. They are left broken and burned in the ashes but they aren't entirely dead and someone, something brings them back to the world of the living. But they are no longer one of them, the living ones.


Preface;

Jane woke up in the middle of the night; she thought she had heard a scream. But now she couldn’t hear anything, it was dead silent and the darkness wrapped around her like a blanket threatening to suffocate her. She looked at her left and relaxed a bit, her brother Alec laid besides her breathing calmly, safely. She shook of the anxiety and put her head back on her pillow and pinched her eyes together and tried to force herself to fall asleep. But then something broke the silence, it was a scream, and it didn’t last for just a second, it lasted longer, and it wasn’t distant, it was just outside her door. Jane started shaking, it was her mother’s scream and it was the most horrifying she’d ever heard. She looked at Alec, he was still sleeping, she wanted to wake him, because she was so scared… but something made her not. Instead she carefully, but still shaking, jumped down from her bed and down the floor. She picked up a blanket and wrapped it around herself then she started walking towards the door, on the other side the scream had went over to sobs. Jane hesitated, she was almost there, but then she ran back to her bed and picked up her teddy. If Alec wasn’t there she at least needed something comforting. Then with slow steps she moved towards the door again, in real all she wanted was to run back to Alec and creep down under the blanket and never wake up, because she was so scared. But still, what if something was hurting her mother, then she had to help her. She didn’t know how, but she had to do something… right?
Jane reached the door; she was just moving her shivering hand towards the door knot when she heard another voice there on the other side.
“I’m going to kill you, you whore, you…” The voice ended with a sound of disgust. A tear fell down Jane’s cheek as she recognized the voice; it was her father’s, speaking like that to her mother.
“James I swear, I haven’t done anything, it is nothing, I have no idea who he is or what he was doing, and Jamie you have to believe me.”
“You don’t dare call me Jamie, you whore, why would I care to believe in you, you’re just a lying bitch.”
“James, I’m your wife, I love you, I would never lie to you like that, please, you have to believe me.”
“I’m going to kill you Alexandra.” A second tear fell from Jane’s cheek, the way he spoke her mother’s name it was so… she couldn’t believe it, how could he talk like that to her. He loved her didn’t he; the two of them were her mother and father. They couldn’t speak like that towards each other.
“James stop it, you don’t want to hurt me, you are just upset, but I’m telling you the truth.”
“No.” was all James said, and then Jane heard her mother scream again. And this time Jane screamed too and then everything got quiet. For what felt like an eternity Jane just stood there in the silence, but then the door in front of her slipped open and something tightened around her wrist. She had held her eyes closed, but now she opened them to meet her father’s furious eyes. He was the most dangerous she had ever seen, memories passed through in her mind. When she and Alec pretended there father was a bear who playfully chased them around the house, when James had taken them to the carnival in the capital for the first time, when he had given each of them a kilo candy for Easter. She saw in her mind his dimples that always occurred when he smiled. How his hair always got so messy when they were outside and how mum always used to laugh about it. But he wasn’t smiling now, and her mum wasn’t laughing. James was furious and Alexandra was crying. Jane was confused, scared and she wished to the very depth of her heart that Alec would wake up and come to her, she didn’t want to be here all alone. The grip around her wrist got harder, her eyes was blank with tears.
“No James what are you doing?” Alexandra cried, she rose up on unsteady legs from where she had laid on the floor. Her left cheek was red and on it was a scar where blood flowed.
“I’m going to rip the throat of this child of a whore.” James answered, with a voice still filled with disgust.
“She’s your daughter James!”
“Is she? Really, what is it that says that it isn’t the son of a bitch’s child?
“Look at her, can’t you see it with your own eyes?” Alexandra kept crying, and Jane looked with innocent but scared eyes into the fury of her fathers. Because even though she less and less wanted to believe, she still though it was who he was, her father.
“All I see is you all over her, and it makes me sick.” James face twisted into another disgusted grin. But he did let go of her, and instead he stumbled towards Alexandra, closing both his hand around her head forcing her to stand towards him.
“James…”
“No, no, this is your ending; this is the end of your fairy tale.” James spitted the words in Alexandra’s face, and then he started hitting her. One strike at her right cheek, then he put a knee in her stomach, he pulled her head against the wall, he threw her on the floor. And every time Alexandra screamed a shockwave of pain and fear went through Jane, still she couldn’t do anything. She just stood there on the floor, watching her mother’s screams get weaker and weaker as her body got more and more torn. Same time James hands got more and more bloody. And suddenly everything was over, James had put his hands on both sides of Alexandra’s neck and then he snapped it. The silence broke when Jane started screaming, and this time she didn’t stop until she felt her father’s bloody hand pushed to her mouth.
“Mommy” Jane screamed in agony, then she couldn’t stop herself, she ran toward her father with her fists in the air. She flew upon him and started punching him in the belly, further up then that she couldn’t come. To Jane’s despair James just started laughing and laughing until suddenly he stopped and grabbed Jane’s wrist and forced her to look into his face. It was angry, so angry, and still sad, very sad. In his eyes there was hate but sadness. They were burning with a furious fire, still filled with sorrow filled tears.
“I should kill you too, you’re not a child of mine are you?” James said, his face now all fury.
“I definitely hope not!” Jane shouted. “I would never want to be a child of a murder!” she said and then she spit in his face. Suddenly James eyes burst up in flames again, but it wasn’t fury or anger or hate. It was joy.
“You got my temper Jane, you got my temper.” He said, and then a tear fell down his cheek, he loosened the grip around his daughter’s hand and then something grabbed her from behind. Somebody pulled her close to their chest. Alec, Jane thought, then all her power and adrenaline and what so ever that had been running through her body was gone and she passed out in his arms. She didn’t remember or even could have remembered what happened after that, all she knew was that he was gone when she woke up. And that instead Alec sat there. But when closing her eyes he was always there, his hateful eyes staring into hers. All that kept her sane was that she knew that when she woke up Alec would be there, illuminating the pain and fear from the most terrifying day of her life.

Hiya Demoness.

Some quick suggestions before I start my review:

1) (this is something I tell many new YWS users) First, when you look at wall of text like that, what do you feel? I know what I feel - intimidated. To eradicate this feeling that would deter many readers, simply add in a few extra paragraph breaks to create a sense of space within your text. I know I'm not the only person who likes to see a well formatted submission on YWS, and surely you've seen other people format their work to make it easier for the reader to view. This formatting allows for readers to enjoy reading the story instead of reading bunched up paragraphs on our computer screens. But that's only my opinion. It's not an official rule on YWS to do this, so I hope that this suggested formatting doesn't deter you from future submissions. A mod has since informed me that adding extra enter spaces is even easier to implement than one would initially think. At the bottom of the post screen when one goes to create a new thread, there is a list of options titled Special Formatting. Selecting the option "Story" automatically add spaces in between paragraphs. So I hope that you use this option in the future.

2) At the moment I see no resemblance to the Twilight Saga, and I honestly think that you should ask a mod to move this to general Fantasy Novels. If you do end up introducing Twilight characters, all I can say is don't. Make up your own characters. Don't use someone else's characters for your own work. Fan fiction is fun, but your story sounds like it could be completely separate from the Twilight canon.

3) Lose the beginning. That plot summary just absolutely deters readers. Think of it this way: did Stephanie Meyers have a huge one paragraph info dump about how Belle's mother and father split etc etc etc? No, she worked it into the story. You can do that too.

4) You don't know how to use paragraphs. I'll talk about this more below.

Alec and Jane are two twins that early in life lost their parents. Their mother was murdered by their father who went missing after the murder. Therefore Alec and Jane grew up with a young woman called Caroline Carling in a little house in northern Salem. The story take place during the 16:th century and Alec and Jane are in their true teens. 7 years have passed since their mother was murdered but Jane still got nightmares and Alec still can't sleep at night. Every day seems to be the other one alike until someone knocks on the door, their father. his visit puts a mark on Alec and soon every day is a new story. Wierd and unexpected things, things impossible to explain starts to happen and all eyes are on the odd twins. When the witch hunt has begun Jane and Alec aren't late to be the ones burning in the fires. They are left broken and burned in the ashes but they aren't entirely dead and someone, something brings them back to the world of the living. But they are no longer one of them, the living ones.

Preface;

A preface is a small portion of the story inserted before any other pages. So, for example, "Henry jumped high into the sky and hit a bird." displayed on the very first page when you open a novel. Then, halfway through the book, that exact sentence would be repeated. Or a preface is similar to an Author's Note. Ie, what you have below would actually be chapter one, or a prologue, not a preface.

She looked at Alec, he was still sleeping, she wanted to wake him, because she was so scared… but something made her not.

Fragment consider revising.

“I’m going to kill you, you whore, you…” The voice ended with a sound of disgust. A tear fell down Jane’s cheek as she recognized the voice; it was her father’s, speaking like that to her mother.

“James I swear, I haven’t done anything, it is nothing, I have no idea who he is or what he was doing, and Jamie you have to believe me.”

“You don’t dare call me Jamie, you whore, why would I care to believe in you, you’re just a lying bitch.”

“James, I’m your wife, I love you, I would never lie to you like that, please, you have to believe me.”

For me this dialogue seems very empty and fake. It doesn't sound very realistic at all.

“No.” was all James said, and then Jane heard her mother scream again. And this time Jane screamed too and then everything got quiet.

Fragment consider revising.

He was the most dangerous she had ever seen, memories passed through in her mind.

"He was the most dangerous she had ever seen"?

When she and Alec pretended there father was a bear who playfully chased them around the house, when James had taken them to the carnival in the capital for the first time, when he had given each of them a kilo candy for Easter.

... it seems as if you're trying to bulk up your story with irrelevant memories. Also, the metric system didn't exist in those times. That means you should be using terms such as "ounces" and "pounds".

She saw in her mind his dimples that always occurred when he smiled. How his hair always got so messy when they were outside and how mum always used to laugh about it.

The word "mum" was coined far later than the Salem Witch hunts. "Mam" and "mother" are the terms of endearment used in those times.

But he wasn’t smiling now, and her mum wasn’t laughing. James was furious and Alexandra was crying. Jane was confused, scared and she wished to the very depth of her heart that Alec would wake up and come to her, she didn’t want to be here all alone. The grip around her wrist got harder, her eyes was blank with tears.

Info dumping of emotions.

“No James what are you doing?” Alexandra cried, she rose up on unsteady legs from where she had laid on the floor. Her left cheek was red and on it was a scar where blood flowed.

The changing of names is really jarring. If this is from the child's point of view, it shouldn't be "Alexandra cried", but "mother cried".

“I’m going to rip the throat of this child of a whore.” James answered, with a voice still filled with disgust.

This is really odd. Why did this character change even come about?

“Is she? Really, what is it that says that it isn’t the son of a bitch’s child?"

What?

“Look at her, can’t you see it with your own eyes?” Alexandra kept crying, and Jane looked with innocent but scared eyes into the fury of her father's. Because even though she less and less wanted to believe, she still though it was who he was, her father.

"she still though it was who he was", what?

But he did let go of her, and instead he stumbled towards Alexandra, closing both his hand around her head forcing her to stand towards him.

Please check over your work before you submit it.

“No, no, this is your ending; this is the end of your fairy tale.” James spitted spat the words in Alexandra’s face, and then he started hitting her.

One strike at her right cheek, then he put a knee in her stomach, he pulled her head against the wall, he threw her on the floor. And every time Alexandra screamed a shockwave of pain and fear went through Jane, still she couldn’t do anything. She just stood there on the floor, watching her mother’s screams get weaker and weaker as her body got more and more torn. Same time James hands got more and more bloody. And suddenly everything was over, James had put his hands on both sides of Alexandra’s neck and then he snapped it. The silence broke when Jane started screaming, and this time she didn’t stop until she felt her father’s bloody hand pushed to her mouth.

I try and try to understand why people create characters that watch their parents/siblings/cousins/best friends/pets die at the hands of some crazy person but don't do a thing about it until it's too late. Really? Would you stand there watching your mother die? Also, surely by now Alec would have been woken by the screams. The neighbours would have heard the screams. Finally, do you know how much force it takes to "snap" someone's neck? 168 Newtons, which is what is required to accelerate a 1kg block at 1 metre per second. ie - that's a lot of force.

“Mommy.” Jane screamed in agony, then she couldn’t stop herself, she ran toward her father with her fists in the air.

Wasn't her father restraining her with his hand on her mouth?

She flew upon him and started punching him in the belly, further up then that she couldn’t come.

"further up then that she couldn’t come" - what?

It was angry, so angry, and still sad, very sad. In his eyes there was hate but sadness. They were burning with a furious fire, still filled with sorrow filled tears.

... I don't know what you're trying to portray here.

“I would never want to be a child of a murder!” she said and then she spit in his face.

Spat, not spit. Spit is present tense, you're writing in past tense.

So, my thoughts...

Characters
Jane: Weak, stupid
Alec: Deaf
James: Manical
Alexandra: Dead

I think you created a villain just for the sake of creating a villain. Was the above scene vital to the plot? Could James and Alexandra be killed in a tragic carriage accident?

Plot
I have no idea where you're going with this.

Overall, keep writing, fix up the mistakes I picked up on, and always make sure you read your writing out loud. A lot of your sentences didn't make sense or didn't sound right. Most of all, read out your dialogue, as your dialogue and your descriptions are lacking.

Please don't hesitate to reply to this thread with any queries or comments regarding my review.

Cheers, Jai

This is the story how Alec and Jane became vampires, how they got involved with the volturii and so on... this were just something to begin with i was going to explain more later.. or atleast i were supposed to, but after reading this review it pretty much seems like the whole idea sucks.. Thanks for cheering me up!

Demoness wrote:This is the story how Alec and Jane became vampires, how they got involved with the volturii and so on... this were just something to begin with i was going to explain more later.. or atleast i were supposed to, but after reading this review it pretty much seems like the whole idea sucks.. Thanks for cheering me up!

Don't quite know if you're being sarcastic or not, but I wasn't trying to cheer you up... Also, as I haven't read the Twilight books, I wouldn't know about volturii or whatever else, so obviously all of that background you had arranged for the characters went over my head. Could you change the names of the characters and the volturii (whatever they are) and make the story your own without Stephanie Meyers stamped all over it?

The whole idea of your story doesn't suck, it's just written very poorly. It seems as if you just submitted your work to YWS without even proof reading it. The mistakes I found aren't even all the mistakes within your text. You need to go over your work and read it out loud to find all the glaring errors I found.

If you don't believe my review was fair or even helpful, please go ahead and request a review from Skins, PinkShearwater, RachaelElg, Iceprincess, Shubhi or BondGirl007 (or anyone who you've noticed reviewing other people's work and give clear, honest reviews), all of who can be found here: LINK.

Best of luck for all future endeavours.
- Jai