Young Writers Society

Detective Carlton Lassiter groaned as the “psychic”, Shawn Spencer, waltzed into the room and shouted, “Hello my fellow working Americans!” The officers in the vacinity stopped what they were doing and stared as Spencer continued, “I know I have been absent for far too long, but I am here now and that is all that matters! Plus,” Spencer grabbed a large covered basket from his partner, Burton Guster, and continued, “I have come bearing gifts!” He uncovered the basket with a dramatic flourish to reveal it held at least a dozen pineapples. Of course. Spencer had and obsession with those things, an obsession that Lassiter had always found slightly disturbing.

Lassiter was just about to dig out the earplugs he had in his top desk drawer, because he had discovered several months ago that they were the only things that even partially blocked out Spencer’s “psychic” fits. But he didn’t get them in quite fast enough this time.

Spencer ambled over to his desk, a mischievous grin on his face, and that’s when Lassiter knew that his day was officially going downhill. And it wasn’t bound to get any better he knew.

“Carlytown!” Spencer said cheerfully, “I sense you missed me. Do you want a hug?” He and Guster both held their arms out but Lassiter ignored them.

“Spencer, shut it. I haven’t missed you at all. In fact,” Lassiter smirked, “it has actually been quite peaceful without you. And, believe it or not, we solve cases without you, too.”

“Well, ouch, Lassie-face,” Spencer clutched his chest dramatically, “No need to be so harsh.” He smiled again, that gleam in his eye still there, “You don’t need to hide your feelings. The other detectives missed us too. Right, Jules?” The three men turned their attention to the pretty blonde woman walking by.

Lassiter’s partner, Juliet O’Hara, stopped and looked up from the case file she had been reading. A sudden smile crossed her face. “Shawn! Gus! I haven’t seen you two around lately. What’ve you been up to?”

“Oh, you know,” Guster waved a hand dismissively, “the private cases have been taking up a lot of time lately.”

“The more important question is: how have you been?” Spencer asked, sounding genuinely concerned, “How is Juliet?”

“Same old, same old.” O’Hara answered smiling still. How she put up with these two Lassiter would never know. It was even more of a mystery as to why she liked them at all.

“Never mind all this ‘how are you’ crap.” Lassiter said curtly, “Why are you two delinquents here anyway?”

“The Chief called us down. Said she had a big, no, huge case for us.” Spencer and Guster both looked smug now.

“A case?” Lassiter wondered why the Chief hadn’t put him on this case if it was so important. “O’Hara, did you here anything about this?”

The younger detective looked as perplexed as Lassiter felt, and you could hear it in her voice when she spoke, “No... I haven’t. Why didn’t the Chief put us on the case?”

“Maybe she thought it was just too much for you and Lassie to handle on your own.” Spencer suggested.

“That’s ridiculous, Spencer, and you know it.” Lassiter snapped, still wondering about this case. What could it be? An explosion? O’Hara took the last case with an explosion so I still haven’t done one of those. If this case has an explosion involved I-, Lassiter’s inner monologue was cut short by Chief Vick’s voice.

“Mr. Spencer, Mr. Guster, it’s about time you showed up! Get in here! You, too, detectives!”

I guess I’m about to find out what this ‘huge’ case really is, Lassiter thought, and why the Wonder Twins got notified first.



The four of them walked toward Vick’s door, but as they neared it Shawn sped up and so did Lassiter. When they reached it both of them lunged for the doorknob at the same time, both vying for control. While they were struggling Gus and Juliet just looked at each other. The two of them knew that everything was a constant contest for the detective and the consultant and it was starting to irritate them a little more each time.

Finally Juliet stepped in and pushed the door open, causing Lassiter and Shawn to tumble into a big heap on the floor inside the Chief’s office. Lassiter tried to push himself up, but Shawn was right on top of him trying to do the same thing except he couldn’t because his right arm was caught under Lassiter.

“Dammit! Get off me, Spencer!” Lassiter growled.

“I can’t!” Shawn said, “My arm is stuck!”

“O’Hara! Mr. Guster! Help these two idiots up!” Vick exclaimed in exasperation.

Gus pulled Shawn’s arm out from under Lassiter and helped him to his feet while Juliet tried to help Lassiter, but he just waved her off and got up. He brushed himself off and asked the Chief, “So what have we been called in for? A case with an explosion, perhaps?”

“No, Detective, there has not been an explosion.” To Shawn it looked like Lassiter was a little disappointed.

Shawn suddenly caught sight of a plane ticked wedged in a travel brochure to Hawaii on Vick’s desk. He thought that now would be a perfect time for one of his psychic “visions”. Suddenly he gasped, “I’m having a vision!”

“Oh, just perfect.” Lassiter spat.

Shawn brought a hand to his temple in his signature move, “I see... I see sunny beaches and water and... and Israel Kamakasomething!”

“What?” Juliet asked just as Shawn burst into song.

“Somewhere over the rainbow-” Gus cut him off before he could finish

“It’s Kamakawiw’ole, Shawn.” He said.

“Dude, how do you know that?” He asked and Gus opened his mouth, but Shawn just talked over him, “Nevermind.” Suddenly he gasped again, “Chief Vick! You’re going to Hawaii, aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am, Mr. Spencer. But while that’s impressive it’s not what I’ve called you in for.”

“I’ve had enough of this!” Lassiter said, sounding supremely pissed-off, “Just get to it.”

“Lassiter is right. So I’ll just cut to the chase.” Vick agreed. “There’s been a kidnapping of a young girl.”

Everyone in the room shared a glance. Kidnappings were the worst. On both the families, the person in question, and the police. But somehow they could all already tell that this one would take home the prize for the absolute worst. It was something in the Chief’s voice that tipped them off.

“A real estate mogul’s daughter. A daughter who is only five years old. And here’s the worst part,” Everyone braced themselves, “We have no indication that she’s alive at all. There was blood all over the girl’s room. Too much.” Vick grimaced just like the others did.

“Name?” Lassiter was always the first to get back on task.

“Arlene Simmons. Goes by Lena.” The Chief answered. “She was kidnapped about three hours ago by an unknown person driving a blue truck. There have been no leads so far.”

“Why weren’t we put on right away?” Lassiter snapped at the Chief.

“Calm down, Detective,” Vick told him, “There was a jurisdictional dispute with the Coast Guard. You see, she was kidnapped off her family’s yacht.”

“A yacht?” Shawn and Gus asked while Lassiter and Juliet asked, “Then how do we know what the perp was driving?”

The Chief ignored the consultants and answered the detectives. “We put out an Amber Alert as soon as we were sure she was missing and didn’t fall off the boat and drown. About thirty minutes later we got a tip from someone at a Starbucks saying that they saw someone shove a little girl fitting Arlene’s description into a dark blue truck. That solved the jurisdiction problem, and now here we are.”

“Alright,” Lassiter said, “O’Hara and I will head to the Starbucks and have a look around.” Both detectives started to head out of the room.

“Take these two,” Vick indicated Shawn and Gus, “with you.”

“Do we have to?” Lassiter asked, but then he saw the Chief’s glare, “Fine. Come on then.”

“Oh! Can we get a taco first?” Shawn asked.

The two detectives exited the room with the psychic and his partner close behind. They all knew kidnappings were bad, but they would never expect what was coming next.

Hi there! I shall be reviewing you today.

Now, I love Psych. It's like my favorite TV show.

The thing about fanfiction is that it's all about the writers making up scenarios for their favorite characters, so there aren't that many rules. However, I think that it is very important to capture the basis of the show and the characters within it. You captured the feel of it, but the characters seem forced to me. Here's what I see:

The thing about Psych is that the characters have a very modern speech pattern. When Shawn speaks, he sounds stiff and overly joyful, which I believe doesn't fit his character. Use contractions in his speech. Rather than say, "I do not have it, but I know it is somewhere", say "I DON'T have it but I know IT'S somewhere". Shawn isn't the type to talk like "Have not" and stuff like that. Also, I think you should tone him down a bit so he's less loud and more like the cool prankster that he is. Exclamation points grate if there are too many. Your dialogue is good though, it just doesn't fit the characters yet.

However, you captured the pyschic spoofing very well. That was my favorite part. I liked this because you did capture the feel of the show. My only issue is that since this is a story, some of the dialogue should be cut because it hurts the flow. Have you considered making a Fanscript? That way you could have all the dialogue you wanted.

Grammar wise, your work is pretty solid. I think you should vary your sentence length though a bit and remember to start a new paragraph whenever someone new talks. You forgot to do that with the first paragraph.

OVERALL:

Very good. It was cute and charming. I think you only need to work on the characters and the flow. Read out loud lengthy sentences. If they sound bad to your ears, they will sound bad to the readers. Read this out loud and see if you have an issue with it,

Lassiter was just about to dig out the earplugs he had in his top desk drawer, because he had discovered several months ago that they were the only things that even partially blocked out Spencer’s “psychic” fits.

Good job, keep it up.

Esther