Young Writers Society

My name is Samantha Talbot, great, great granddaughter to George Talbot. I should not exist. I am illegal. Then again my great aunt Jen Talbot shouldn’t have either. Although I am like the Shadow Children I am not one. For one, I am sure there isn’t anyone else like me. And, I am even more illegal. Charges for harboring a Shadow Child were much smaller than having and harboring a child at all now a days. For this I am not a Shadow Child but a Ghost Child as I have taken to calling myself.
My parents are quietly rebellious. They have broken every rule the Government made. 12 years ago my mother gave birth to me. 2 years ago they traveled not only out of the continent but all the way on the other side of the world, leaving me home alone. And since last year they buy junk food from which they had people smuggled into the continent.
“Government Police, open up.” a deep voice boomed from the front step. Without order I threw open the closet door and launched myself inside. As my father’s footsteps passed the closet I had already tunneled to the very back. Once my hands found the wall I pushed up as hard as I could. Soon the secret door was open and I crawled in and threw a blanket over my head for good measure.
“Hello sir we have a warrant to search the house for illegal substances.” said the voice.
That's me, I thought.

Hello, my name is Cirque and I'm going to be your reviewer for today. I'm going into a different kind of reviewing thing...to really just try out this style. It's not my most preferred but I'm gonna give it a shot. So if something doesn't make sense (which will probably all of it) don't be afraid to just tell me.

Terminology:

Bold: Punctuation/Words not needed.
Red: Spelling/Punctuation
Green: General Comment
Blue:Suggestions

My name is Samantha Talbot; Great, Great Grand daughter to George Talbot. I should not exist. I am illegal. Then again my Great Aunt Jen Talbot shouldn’t have either. Although I am like the "Shadow Children" I am not one. For one, I am sure there isn’t anyone else like me. And, I am even more illegal. Charges for harboring a Shadow Child were much smaller than having and harboring a child at all now a days. For this I am not a Shadow Child but a Ghost Child as I have taken to calling myself.
Space should be added here to make it look less cluttered.

My parents are quietly rebellious. They have broken every rule the Government made. 12 Twelve years ago my Mother gave birth to me. 2 Two years ago they traveled not only out of the continent but all the way on the other side of the world, leaving me home alone. And since last year they buy junk food from which they had people smuggled into the continent.

“Government Police, open up.” a deep voice boomed from the front step.

Without order I threw open the closet door and launched myself inside. As my Father’s footsteps passed the closet I had already tunneled to the very back. Once my hands found the wall I pushed up as hard as I could. Soon the secret door was open and I crawled in and threw a blanket over my head for good measure.

“Hello sir, we have a warrant to search the house for illegal substances.” said the voice.
That's me, I thought.

A quick overall for this chapter, so far, it's really good. I think that by going into perspective of the girl and really taking it from her mind, it seems more like a diary then anything. What I find is that you don't give capital letters to naming words. As you'll see through the whole of the quote, I have mended most of the "naming mistakes". Your dialogue punctuation though was perfect.