How difficult life could be - Chapter 3

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Tim:
I thought that light was flickering, but soon I realized that it was my eyes which can no longer withstand the dim light and strong stress. I was exhausted enough to fall down any moment, but I insisted on my body to stay alert for a few more minutes.

It was half midnight; I was in Steward’s room. Darkness spread all over was partly penetrated by my handy flashlight and little lamp outside the door. It is pretty usual for her to wake up at this time and go for toilet. It had already been five minutes since she went out and I needed to speed up my investigation. I was sure that I will find something interesting in her closet drawer where she keeps all of her past memories, at least that was what she told us about that place.

I started this practice of waking up every night and searching for some clue in her room long ago, but my enthusiasm was dropping as I wasn’t achieving anything even after working this hard.

Is it a waste of time? Have I mistaken suspecting Steward? It seems that she is a good lady. But no, Kelly was right too, there was something, something going on beyond our sight that I needed to figure out. Oh! God, this isn’t going to help; I should be trying something else from now on to resolve this mystery. It is important for me to know about this. It was already too late, Steward was almost back till I decided to have some rest and left the room closing the yellow colour wooden door as gently as I could.

7:04 a.m.

Ah! Yesterday night was quite hectic. It’s really been a long time since I’m doing this, but this time I have something else in my mind; a better notion!

“Tim! Did you find anything?” Asked Kelly coming out of her room dropping a cloth on the table

“Not yet.” I replied with a sigh

“So, what are you going to do now?”

“I’ve got a different preparation, wait and see me trying it.” I couldn’t believe that I was talking about a plan when I had no idea of what I was going to do.

A different plan; I was just thinking about something else when my sight went straight to Steward. She just seem too naive to do anything dreadful. I have no idea of why these things are coming into my mind, but one thing that I knew was that I needed to push them out soon. Think; Well..! As today is Sunday I’ve got a lot of time to think about this matter.
Will it be okay if..! No. Ah! There is nothing in my head. Totally worn-out, I was totally worn-out when I decided to turn on the TV, a news channel was flashing at my first sight. TV was on but not my sight, I had no idea why I even turned it on when I had no intention to watch whatever was going onto it. Everything in my memory was cold before I heard the new report starting on TV which flashed another chart into my mind.

‘Social engineering, a very well known trick for blackmailers as well as police seems to grow in the darker part of the world more than anyone of us ever expected. We today are going to discuss how it propelled west part of the country robbing $1.25 million last weak. One of the greatest ways to reach the life of the victim is to strike their mind which was well performed by our bank robber calling himself Saviour X.’

Ah! That was of some use, social engineering. I got the idea, strike the mind, strike the mind. I don’t think if it was too complicated to get into Steward’s head as she still holds no logic of what was going in my picture.

“Kelly! Where is Steward”, I asked her excitedly

“She’s out for market, but what is it? Can I get you anything?” she replied.

“No, I just had something else going in my mind to check about Steward, remember what you told me about quick guardianship provided to her.”

“Yeah! I remember.” She gave a pause to her voice and then continued “Tim, do whatever, but don’t get you in some trouble.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” I influenced her as though I wanted her to stay out of this.

I decided to have some sleep till she gets back, sleep which I was sure that I am not going to have, especially in this condition when I’m wide awake like this. So, she is out for market, what a fool I am, I disturbed lots and lots of nights, why didn’t I use the morning time for my investigations. But now all these things don’t matter as I’ve already moved to direct check-mate.

After all, she was back home. I tried to make it as usual as possible. She bet she saw me poignant as she entered the room, and that was exactly what I wanted her to see in me.

“What is it Tim, you seem a bit gloomy today?” she asked.

“Nothing!” I replied adjusting my back on the sofa, “I was... just thinking back past. I wonder why my parents.., well, never mind.”

“Tim!” she hugged me, “you are growing up at much faster pace than any ordinary kid, it’s normal if you think about your past. But if you want to talk about it, or you have something going, then you should know that I’m here for you.”

I just thought for a moment that I was wrong suspecting her; she was so caring about us. But soon I changed my mind as my brain pulled my heart back to its position.

“Would you tell me your past? I would love to know about you. There is nothing that I can tell you about me, so will you pleas tell me about yourself?” I asked her with my puppy dog eyes

“Well! If you ask. Okay!” she said as she moved towards her room and then to her closet. She opened the lower section and moved her hands through cloths lying there; I was surprised as she pulled out a wooden box out of it. I went thorough that closet many times but never bother looking at that place. My mind freed it up as Steward continued, “I have all my memories in this.”

The box was full of photographs and some other small things which I couldn’t understand why she kept in there. She started showing me photographs, “This was my family Tim.” She pointed toward a photo in which she was standing with her husband and a small child who probably was her son.

She followed me as I switched to another one. But I was shocked watching this one; it was from a graduation ceremony. I saw a person in it that seemed pretty familiar to me. Yes, I remember him. He was one of my father’s very good friends.
“Which one is this about?” I pointed towards the photo.

“Oh! This one, this one is from my son’s graduation ceremony,” she stopped and pointed towards the face of the person who just caught my attention, “Here; this is my son, Henry. He just disappeared after completing his collage, I don’t know what happened but then I never saw him again.” She stopped abruptly as she tried to resist tears leaving her eyes.
Henry, now I remember his name. I saw my father talking to him on phone many a times when I was eating diner with my once existed family. His face occupied my mind so strongly that I didn’t hear any of the other things which Steward continued to speak. But soon she realized that I was not into her conversation.

“Tim, are you all right?” she asked

“Ya-Ya, I’m okay, talking about your family, it just reminded me of mine.” I hid that graduation photo in my sleeves as I stood up, “I should go, take some rest.”

“Okay!” she replied as I gently moved out of the room.

11:52 p.m.

It was all over my mind, Henry Steward. So, he is Steward’s son. I was just thinking about the picture I saw as another face flashed into my mind. I got up the bed and ran towards my table.

“Tim! What are you doing, it’s half midnight.” Kelly asked, her sleep was disturbed because of the sound I produced in excitement.

“Oh! It’s nothing; I just forgot to put some things in my school bag for tomorrow class. You should go back to sleep” I once again came back to where I was as Kelly went back to sleep.

I just felt a lump in my throat as I once again saw that picture. It was him, I was sure about it, there is no way I could be wrong about this. Black coat and glasses, he was not changed at all. R. Sparks, the name which I found on his ID. He was there with the police when they were finding guardian for us when our parents died. He was the detective assigned to the case of our parents’ death and blown off building. Same small hair, shaved moustache, vertical face, he was the same man, not changed at all.

It was getting more and more complex as I was getting deeper into the concept. So many years were passed; I never ever noticed something this disturbing in my life. First, our parents were murdered, then our building blew off, than we were appointed a guardian who was mother of our father’s very good friend and the detective who was assigned this case was in some relationship with the person too. It was eating my mind, piercing all of my imagination and intelligence.

I couldn’t sleep at all; it was 4:00 a.m. in my clock when I looked at it last. Sleep was now started to take me over. I gave a rest to my thoughts and closed my eyes.
I would be glad if you review my work, How difficult life could be




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Sorry everybody, I know this is pretty long chapter and I waited a lot before posting this one but I had no time these days and it was getting difficult for me to write something. Anyway, I would love to have your reviews on this one.
I would be glad if you review my work, How difficult life could be




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Hey,
Thanks for requesting a review. I had a very long detailed review written but when I came back my computer deleted it, and i do not feel like repeating everything. So, I will give you the shortened version sorry.

1) You switch tenses alot between present and past tense. This jumps the reader out of the story and could be a good deal confusing.

2) The story held no description or details. You told us everything instead of showing us. I know that when reviewing other stories of your's I have described the differences between these so I won't waste your time and do it again.

3) this seemed poorly written. I suggest you re-read it slowly going over all the grammar mistakes and such. Alot of the sentences were confusing so maybe try to rewrite some of them as well.

I've seen you do better, and I know with alot of work this can be better too. I don't mean to be harsh, and I am so sorry if this review is mean in any way, but I just want to give you the tips to be the awesome write I know you can be. :)

If you have any questions please PM me or write on my wall,

Have a good day,
Tiffany
There is nothing to writing; all you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein~ Red Smith

Who needs a review? :) http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic38078.html




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Hey! Thanks for the help, I wish I if I could have got the complete version, but anyway, thanks for putting in your time. I will surly revise it as soon as I get more time.\
-Chetan
I would be glad if you review my work, How difficult life could be




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Hey! Here I am, as promised, to fulfill your request. Again, I'm really sorry that I hadn't gotten to this yet, but I hope that this review helps! :) So without further ado, let's begin!

Plot

This chapter was a bit confusing to read because of the grammar mistakes, though I'll get to those later on. Since you jumped around quite a bit throughout, it didn't do much to keep the plot moving at a consistent and easy to understand pace. Rascalover pointed this out also, but since it's extremely important I'll say it again. Make sure you keep in one tense throughout the whole story. There is nothing more annoying/confusing than a story that changes tenses all the time. Just make sure to watch out for that, as getting rid of this would also help you develop your plot better.

This was also mentioned in Rascalover's post, but it as well is extremely important. Make sure you SHOW your readers what is going on. You do a ton of telling, but we don't get a picture of your story. Humans are very visual, and we want/need to see what's going on to understand it, therefore understanding the plot. You want us to be able to understand what's going on!

Character Development

As with plot, character development relies heavily on good grammar and showing us what's happening. If your story is confusing or lacking description, we won't get to know your characters. Maybe try making a character profile for each of your characters. List all their characteristics, likes, dislikes, personality traits, etc. Once you have this, all you need to do is find a way to blend it into your story, and make your characters come to life. Just one thing to watch out for is inconsistency. For example, you don't want to establish that your one character loves say, mushrooms one day, and then a few paragraphs later he can't stand them. If you have anything like that, it'll only confuse your readers, and it won't make them want to read more.

Grammar

And now, as always, we get to the nit-picks. I'll do my best to cover all your different mistakes, though if you have multiple mistakes I'll most likely just let you find the few ones I left out, though I will tell you what to look for. As a writer you really need to master the art of checking over your work for mistakes and awkwardness, though this is a hard skill to learn. Just remember that, as with anything, practice makes perfect! :)

I thought that light was flickering, but soon I realized that it was my eyes which can no longer withstand the dim light and strong stress.


Should be "that the light"...

This sentence is also worded very awkwardly, and is possibly a bit of a run-on. Watch out for this!

I was exhausted enough to fall down any moment, but I insisted on my body to stay alert for a few more minutes.


"Down at any moment"

"But I insisted that my body stay alert for a few more minutes."

Watch out for missing/unneeded words.

It was half midnight; I was in Steward’s room.


"Half past midnight."

You could also replace the semi-colon with "and" since this would make it less awkward. Make sure you know when and how to use semi-colons properly. Maybe take a look at this page to give you some tips: http://writinghood.com/style/grammar/pr ... sentences/

Darkness spread all over was partly penetrated by my handy flashlight and little lamp outside the door.


Awkward.

It is pretty usual for her to wake up at this time and go for toilet.


You changed to present tense here, watch out for this.

Also, change "for" to "to the" to correct your grammar.

Have I mistaken suspecting Steward?


"Have I made a mistake in suspecting Steward?"

Is it a waste of time? Have I mistaken suspecting Steward? It seems that she is a good lady. But no, Kelly was right too, there was something, something going on beyond our sight that I needed to figure out. Oh! God, this isn’t going to help; I should be trying something else from now on to resolve this mystery. It is important for me to know about this. It was already too late, Steward was almost back till I decided to have some rest and left the room closing the yellow colour wooden door as gently as I could.


This paragraph could easily be separated into a few individual ones. Make sure you remember the rules for when to make a new paragraph!

Also, this is a very good example of how you are telling, not showing. Add more description!

And remember to always watch out for awkwardness, which I found in this paragraph as well.

It’s really been a long time since I’m doing this, but this time I have something else in my mind; a better notion!


Awkward.

Asked Kelly coming out of her room dropping a cloth on the table

“Not yet.” I replied with a sigh


After dialogue tags, you don't need to always start with a capital letter. It's mostly like you're starting in the middle of a sentence, you only need to capitalize names, "I" and places.

Also, make sure you always use punctuation! Both these lines don't have periods at the ends, which is very bad...

“I’ve got a different preparation, wait and see me trying it.”


Confusing.

She just seem too naive to do anything dreadful. I have no idea of why these things are coming into my mind, but one thing that I knew was that I needed to push them out soon. Think; Well..! As today is Sunday I’ve got a lot of time to think about this matter.


"Seems"

Another prime example of failing to show. Go through this and the rest of your chapter for too much telling, and add description! And, as I've said before, watch out as well for awkwardness.

Will it be okay if..! No. Ah!


Your use of punctuation is very confusing. Make sure you don't use two types of punctuation directly after one another, like...! Choose either a period, or an exclamation mark, not both!

There is nothing in my head. Totally worn-out, I was totally worn-out when I decided to turn on the TV, a news channel was flashing at my first sight. TV was on but not my sight, I had no idea why I even turned it on when I had no intention to watch whatever was going onto it. Everything in my memory was cold before I heard the new report starting on TV which flashed another chart into my mind.


??

‘Social engineering, a very well known trick for blackmailers as well as police seems to grow in the darker part of the world more than anyone of us ever expected. We today are going to discuss how it propelled west part of the country robbing $1.25 million last weak. One of the greatest ways to reach the life of the victim is to strike their mind which was well performed by our bank robber calling himself Saviour X.’


Always use double quotation marks when a person is speaking. This piece of dialogue is also a bit confusing, maybe go over it and watch for awkwardness.

Also should be "week". "Weak" refers to being weak, not seven days. Eg. "Bob is very weak."

I got the idea, strike the mind, strike the mind. I don’t think if it was too complicated to get into Steward’s head as she still holds no logic of what was going in my picture.


??

Where is Steward”, I asked her excitedly


Ahhhh!!! Remember, question marks after questions, and you always need some sort of punctuation to end your sentences! :O

“She’s out for market, but what is it? Can I get you anything?” she replied.


"She's out at the market."

Also this seems like awkward dialogue. Make sure your characters

I influenced her as though I wanted her to stay out of this.


??

I decided to have some sleep till she gets back, sleep which I was sure that I am not going to have, especially in this condition when I’m wide awake like this.


Awkward, and switches tenses in the same sentence. Also could be separated into two different sentences and reworded to help it make more sense.

So, she is out for market, what a fool I am, I disturbed lots and lots of nights, why didn’t I use the morning time for my investigations. But now all these things don’t matter as I’ve already moved to direct check-mate.


Both these sentences seem to be a bit wordy and awkward. Also, you might want to make sure you use the right words for what you're trying to say; for example when you used the word "disturbed" in this particular context, it just doesn't sound right.

As for the second sentence, the wording doesn't really make sense. I'd reword at least the last part of the sentence, or possibly the whole thing so that it's easier for the reader to comprehend what you're trying to say, without having to read through it over and over again because it's so confusing.

After all, she was back home. I tried to make it as usual as possible. She bet she saw me poignant as she entered the room, and that was exactly what I wanted her to see in me.


This is sort of awkward as well since you tell us she's home again and then talk about her entering the room. I would show us her entering the room, so you don't have to tell us that she's back from the market since we'll know that she is. Make sure you show us the events and characters in the story, don't just tell us, as I've told you before.

It's also a bit confusing when you say that "she bet she saw me poignant as she entered...." because you're talking in first person as Tim's character. How does he know what she thinks? This is also really important, just like present and past tenses. You can read more about the different narratives that are used in writing here: http://www.tarakharper.com/k_frstpr.htm

This site is perfect to show you how and where to use all the different points of view, and it's important to know how to use them and not get them mixed up, so you avoid confusion.

“What is it Tim, you seem a bit gloomy today?”


Should be "glum".

“Nothing!” I replied adjusting my back on the sofa, “I was... just thinking back past. I wonder why my parents.., well, never mind.”


Add a comma after "replied".

Also, I've said this earlier, but this is another example of problems with punctuation. Remember to only use one type for each instance, and use the proper type, and maybe also try to only use the triple periods when absolutely necessary. If you use them too much it might seem a bit amateurish and awkward.

But soon I changed my mind as my brain pulled my heart back to its position.


Confusing.

IMPORTANT!!
I just also wanted to point out one very important thing that I've noticed especially around this part of your chapter. This is that you've established in the preceding chapters that Steward is a bit harsh, mean and generally un-talkative. However, you seem to change her character here into a much nicer and more open person. I just thought that this was a bit inconsistent with your other chapters, and you always want to be consistent with your characters and plot. If, however you do have your characters go through a character change in your story, which is crucial for the main characters at least, you need to make your changes more gradual and explained. Your readers need to know what makes your characters change, you can't just make them have multiple personalities. (Unless, of course, you establish that they are in fact schizophrenic and therefore do have multiple personalities. ;))

She opened the lower section and moved her hands through cloths lying there;


This is misspelled, should be "the clothes".

I went thorough that closet many times but never bother looking at that place.


"...but never bothered looking in there."

But I was shocked watching this one;


Should be "...looking at..."

She stopped abruptly as she tried to resist tears leaving her eyes.


Awkward.

I saw my father talking to him on phone many a times when I was eating diner with my once existed family.


Awkward, and should be "dinner".

“Ya-Ya,


"Yeah, yeah."

“I should go, take some rest.”


"...get some rest."

“Tim! What are you doing, it’s half midnight.”


"...half past midnight."

her sleep was disturbed because of the sound I produced in excitement.


Awkward.

I just forgot to put some things in my school bag for tomorrow class.


You could reword this to something like "...for tomorrow's class." or "...for school." or "...for class."

First, our parents were murdered, then our building blew off, than we were appointed a guardian who was mother of our father’s very good friend and the detective who was assigned this case was in some relationship with the person too.


"up", "then", and "was the mother."

Also this is a run-on sentence, and an extremely awkward one at that. Try rewording and breaking it up a bit.

Sleep was now started to take me over.


"...starting..."

Overall

Overall this was an interesting continuation, and it certainly leaves the reader waiting find out more. However, as I've pointed out earlier, you really need to watch out for all the awkward wording etc. and add much more description. Once you do this, it will definitely help the flow and make it more interesting for your readers. Keep working on it and revising it, and with more work this will be a great story. Great job so far! :)

Sorry this was so long, but I really hope that it helps! Good luck and I can't wait to read more! ;) Bye bye for now!

~ Trish :smt006
~ Patricia Tina :smt006

Don't look in the spoiler.

Spoiler
I lost the game.

"I always hear punch me in the face when you're speaking, but it's usually subtext."
~ Dr. John Watson



constant state of confuzzle
— Quillfeather