Violent Roses (the first 2 pages.)

Ok, I really just want to see if this is a good start to my new book. Please tell me how you feel reading it, and if it really draws you in the way you like. Thank you


It was just past midnight when her eyes violently snapped open. She looked around to see what had startled her, but was surrounded by darkness. There was nothing, just the sound of her brother, Lucca, breathing as he lay there on the couch. Just before she laid her head back down, she heard it again. This time, it was louder than before. She got off the floor and stared down the hall. There was a light coming from her parent’s room, that suddenly flickered off. Sliding down the narrow hall, lined with moving boxes, she reached the edge of their door. She peeked her head in just in time to see her mother’s limp body thrown across the room, hitting the wall, and crashing to the floor with a huge thud. But there wasn't thud, no sound at all. Thinking she was going deaf she screamed as loud as she could. Hearing the faint echo, a look of relief came across her face but then turned into horror as her mind and eyes jumped back to her mother's lifeless body. Not caring who or what was in the room, she ran to her mother's side. Blood was pouring out of her neck and forehead. She quickly took her mother’s had in her own and checked for a pulse. There was nothing. No movement, no breathing---nothing. She screamed for her brother but nothing came out. It was like someone stole her voice in a matter of seconds. She turned her head just slightly to see a dark image leave the room. Tripping over her feet, she ran to the living room and stopped dead in her tracks. There, standing above Lucca, was a blonde haired, pale man about 6” 2’ and wearing a leather jacket. “Lucca!!! Get up!!” “He can’t hear you, so there’s no use straining that pretty little voice of yours,” the man said swiftly, catching her off guard. “Sh-shut up!!”

OK thanks! I actually just wrote this in class and I didn't think about putting in the spaces necessary for it. Sorry! but I am glad that you liked it. Is there anything I can do to make it better? Besides the spaces?

Could have used a much better choice of words. Some punctuation and grammar might be lacking, and everything seemed to happen a bit fast. On the other hand, the story line was very good and I WAS interested in what happens next.

Thanks for your submission and keep writing!

4 out of 10 stars.

Hello!

As others before me mentioned, this is one chunky block of a paragraph. The general rule is to start a new line when a new characters begins speaking. Splits other than those, though, are also needed. Chop! 'Enter' is a dear friend.

My main problem is that so much happened so quickly. Merely one paragraph (and I admit, despite my previous harping, not so very very long), and the girl (she? why not give her a name? if we're naming Lucca...) wakes up, hears sthing, sees her mother, and some man.

Slooow down. I mean, keep the fast pace - but slow down in terms of words. Expand. Elaborate. For example, she heard what, really? The reader never gets to know. Describe it? The mother - more, more!

We're being told what's happening. But how does the character feel? What's happening inside her head? In stories dealing with traumnatic incidents, the inside is as important as the outside. Character reactions! I'm told what's happening (which moves the plot forward; things happen - that's good), but have the odd feeling that I only scraped the surface.

So, how owuld someone placed in the girl's situation feel like? What emotions? How would that manifest in behavior (think: body language and others, e.g. heart rate?). Choose a few, no sense info-dumpling, but use them. Make us feel sympathy for her. Make her real, live, breathing.

Esme

Hai!

First off – hu-uge paragraph! I know everyone else has already said that, but it’s a very important thing – first impressions and all that – so do take note.

It was just past midnight when her eyes violently snapped open.

This is a dramatic opening, but it’s a little too dramatic. Changing the time to something other than midnight would help, I think. At present, it’s bordering on the melodramatic.

She looked around to see what had startled her, but was surrounded by darkness.

Should that be she was surrounded? This doesn’t give a very clear picture of where she is. Is she in her room? The kitchen? Heck, is she even in a house? For all I know she could be on the doorstep of a Tibetan monastery.

There was nothing, just the sound of her brother, Lucca, breathing as he lay there on the couch. Just before she laid her head back down, she heard it again.

Heard what? The “nothing” of the previous sentence?

Thinking she was going deaf she screamed as loud as she could. Hearing the faint echo, a look of relief came across her face but then turned into horror as her mind and eyes jumped back to her mother's lifeless body.

She’s thinking very clearly in a traumatic moment. If you saw your mother thrown across the room, would you be thinking, “Hm, that’s funny, I don’t seem to be able to hear myself as well I should. Let’s scream and test it before I get too worked up about the whole throwing-the-parent-across-the-room thing.”

It was like someone stole her voice in a matter of seconds.

If you replace “like” with “as though” it sounds a bit better.

There, standing above Lucca, was a blonde haired, pale man about 6” 2’ and wearing a leather jacket.

Again with the unrealistic thoughts. When you see a guy – an intruder who’s just killed your mother in the middle of the night – are you immediately going to catalogue him in terms of height and skin tone? Or are you going to be thinking, “Oh God, please don’t let him kill me as well”?

“Lucca!!! Get up!!” “He can’t hear you, so there’s no use straining that pretty little voice of yours,” the man said swiftly, catching her off guard. “Sh-shut up!!”

The dialogue needs to be spaced out better, as right now it’s a bit difficult to discern who’s saying what. Start a new paragraph with each new speaker. Also, tone down the exclamation marks. If you have loads of punctuation marks like “!!” or “??” or “!?” it looks a bit childish and patronising. It’s like adverbs when describing speech – if your dialogue’s good enough, you shouldn’t need more than a very few.

~

I know some of that probably sounded mean, but it’s only meant to help. You can only get better if people tell you how badly and in what ways you suck. Life is pain. Anyone who tells you different is selling something. Mostly, what you need to work on is believable characters. So far, they’re a bit meh. I don’t even know the main character’s name, yet, and it’s nice to be introduced fairly early on. It’s also nice to know the character’s surroundings so we can visualise the action. You know everything about the character, the house, the whole shebang, and we know only what you tell us, so make sure you do! Tell us, that is.

Keep writing and PM me if you have any questions!