The Introduction Of My Novel :) - Serpent Riddle

It was black. Pitch black. The moon shone brightly in the sinister black sky as it glided like a ghostly ship across the dark expanse. Not a star could be seen. Not a sound could be heard. Above the silent, still and dangerous world a thin misty fog surrounded the atmosphere.
Beneath the skies, four silhouettes loomed across the grounds. As Christie, Holly, Lola and Sapphire bounded out of school after a laborious and exhausting clearout before the summer, they gossiped eagerly about the exhilarating adventures they had planned for the seemingly infinite summer holidays.
They tried to watch their steps as they became aware of the gloominess. The ancient oaks that were dotted around the school grounds twisted like bony fingers creating an unwanted presence. They could feel the company of an unnecessary visitor, watching, waiting, stalking their every movement. The wind howled and the leaves rustled, creating a ghastly whisper. They regretted staying late at school but trudged on, pretending to forget about the insecurity of the hours of darkness.
The fourteen year old girls had been inseparable for as long back as they could remember. Each individual had different qualities however they all had one thing in common. Neither of them believed in ghouls, ghosts or spirits.
Holly studied the space around her and was lethally stunned. They were not alone. The flapping of a cloak echoed around them. The teenagers had been thrilled as they had leapt from the mystifying building that was Saint Grimstons High. But as they watched the ground with every step that they took and the moonlight seemed to fade faster and faster, they became even tenser. They seemed not to have even one inch of happiness left in their blood as they approached the Woodland Walk.
The Woodland Walk had never been described as ‘spooky’ before. It was a peaceful nature path that led the pupils out of the rusty metal gates that separated the slightly more ordinary world from the eerie, mysterious world of Saint Grimstons. However in the darkness it looked like the perfect location for a murder. The moonlight was enough to lead them towards the gate but not so strong that it could show their menacing stalker.
It was silent, deadly silent. Lola scraped her scorching forehead with her razor-edged nails as she reached out for Christie’s hand. She squeezed it tightly, gallons of sweat seeping from her moist skin. They waited until all four of them were joined, gripping each others hands and swallowing hard. Sapphire took a deep breath as if to signal for them to proceed. At that exact moment they all put one foot forward and began to shuffle over the undergrowth.
Christie pondered for a moment. All she had to do was run. If she darted past all the crooked dark shapes and figures and blanked out her fears of murder and nightfall she’d feel safe. All she would have to do then was to keep strong and walk home. She would be in her silky, spongy bed unaware of the fearful events that took place outside the comforting safety of her room. She would be enclosed in the walls that acted like guards protecting her from the hair-raising beasts out in the gloom. Murderers, kidnappers and stalkers; she wouldn’t have to worry, she wouldn’t even know that they were there, lurking in a murky corner, out of sight.
Christie tried to force herself to sprint so fast that it would soon be over but something seized her in her tracks. She realised it was such a powerful force, the most important think of all. It was friendship that stopped her. She couldn’t possibly bring herself to leave Holly, Lola and Sapphire. They would have to all go through it together because friendship had won over conscience and Christie was proud of it. She exhaled as her legs stung with numbness, as if she was paralysed.
After an awkward pause which seemed as if the girls were waiting for something to happen, Lola broke the silence. She whimpered and wheezed like a dog waiting for its dinner.
“Christie,” she moaned, impatiently. “Christie, this is freaky.” She spoke in a whisper but loud enough for her voice to bounce from tree to tree, echoing. She was a tough figure at school but she found it hard to control her emotions and it was easy to tell when she was scared.
“I know, just keep up, after all it’s probably only the caretaker,” Christie giggled, unsurely. Then that awful sound came, the sound of footsteps in sync with the thudding of her heartbeat.
As misty condensation swirled above her mouth and she breathed in and out rapidly, Sapphire remained silent. The last time she had had a proper conversation with her friends was a long time ago. Christie knew that she held in a secret that she could not tell. No matter how she tried to hide it Christie could detect something.
“Hurry up!” Christie scowled at Sapphire as the sycamores seemed to twist and curve above their heads. Sapphire trudged on behind, as her friends rushed ahead. She looked at her red sneakers that were encrusted in mud as they glimmered in the moonlight.
The abnormal silence settled once more creating a dodgy, unsafe atmosphere. Nothing made a sound. It was lethally quiet. Not a leaf rustled and the wind stopped howling in the time of a single heartbeat. But then the sound, that blood-curdling sound echoed and boomed from shadow to shadow.
The clash of a blade and the cry of a beast followed by sudden, thumping footsteps. Christies head throbbed as strange images and peculiar shapes were created in her minds eye. Holly yelped and swallowed a clump of mucus in her throat as the footsteps came closer and closer. Sapphire forced her eyes shut not wanting to be a coward or to see the ghoul that panted so heavily behind her. But Lola just screamed. The scream sprang off every corner of the school grounds and was ear-splitting enough to alarm anybody. Then it was over. It was all over. The footsteps trailed away and stillness returned.
As death covered every space of the air, Christie stared down at the body, Lola’s body. At first she could not take in the unbelievable fact. She wanted to forget about what had happened and open her eyes from this fairytale. But it was not a dream. As the word ‘death’ started to rush through her blood she realised what had happened. It was such a small word but one that could haunt you for life. Lola was dead.
Lola’s eyes glared widely at Christie and her pale white skin looked almost icy. Christie gently tapped Lola’s cheek and the coldness made her fingertip tingle. She didn’t know whether to cry, scream or run until she felt the uncontrollable tears rolling down her face mixing with the blood of the scratches from branches on her face. Carefully, she lifted the corpse’s hand and noticed something she had never seen before. A scar. A luminous crimson scar in the shape of a serpent. She let her tears mingle with the wound for a second then forced herself up and draped her jacket over the corpse.
Behind her she could hear rasping and sobbing. Christie spun on her heal and in front of her was Holly crouching on a bed of spiky and prickly twigs. She sniffed as she rubbed a wound on her ankle. Her golden caramel coloured hair was tangled and her jeans were ripped. Beyond her smashed glasses, her hazel eyes were welled with tears and were full of fear.
Christie lurched towards her and knelt down.
“What’s happened?” Christie muttered as she placed her arm on Holly’s shoulder. Holly gritted her teeth as she shook her head.
“My arm, I can’t feel my arm. It’s numb. I tripped over something.” She struggled to speak as phlegm gathered in her mouth. Christie examined Holly’s arm and noticed that it was slightly bruised. She covered it with a corner of Holly’s now tattered jacket.
“It should be alright. Lola’s…”
“Yes, I know,” Holly interrupted not wanting Christie to finish the sentence. “Sapphire. Where is she?” Christie scanned the area around her and noticed that the bravest of her friends was no where to be seen. But then, something caught her eye. A piece of ink-blotched paper lay by Christie’s swollen foot. She picked it up with her less-injured hand and read what was written out loud.

Christie and Holly,
I know about Lola. Please don’t worry about me.
I’m safe. Don’t bother looking for me. I’m fine.
See you soon, Sapphire xxx

“She must be alive,” stated Christie with the faintest hint of relief. “But how could she write a note and get away so quickly? Unless…” Christie raised a hand to her mouth and gasped as tears rolled down her cheeks.
“Don’t you even think that Sapphire did this!” croaked Holly with power and sombreness. “She’d never do that!” Christie wiped her tears with the back of her hand and sighed.
“I appreciate that. I just don’t know what to think. How are we going to survive, Holly?”
She shrugged and winced in pain.
“I don’t think I will. But let’s go. I can’t stand this place any longer. We have to talk to the police.”
Christie nodded and supported Holly as she stood up. She noticed her bloodshot eyes widen and her mouth dropped open.
“Lola’s body! It’s gone!” They scrambled over to where the body was and glared down at the empty space.
“The murderer’s probably taken the body so the police won’t be able to do tests on it and find out who it is,” whispered Christie. “There’s nothing we can do, come on, I need some answers.”
And with that the two heartbroken teenagers left their school and entered the abandoned and shattered town of Grimston.

Hi I'm Phoenix and I'm here to review

It was black. Pitch black. The moon shone brightly in the sinister black sky as it glided like a ghostly ship across the dark expanse. Not a star could be seen. Not a sound could be heard. Above the silent, still and dangerous world a thin misty fog surrounded the atmosphere.

The first two sentences are a bit cliche try to come up with a better way to say it was dark. Make a list off all the things you know of that are black and work on incorporating them here. Second I think you mean silence not silent. In fact the last sentence is kind of confusing so you may want to reword.

They could feel the company of an unnecessary visitor, watching, waiting, stalking their every movement. The wind howled and the leaves rustled, creating a ghastly whisper.

I don't think this word fits. Maybe try unwanted.

The fourteen year old girls had been inseparable for as long back as they could remember.

Seems like a odd place to mention their age. You can do this more subtle by indicating them talking about how next year they'd be freshmen in highschool. (I think that's the right age)

Each individual had different qualities however they all had one thing in common. Neither of them believed in ghouls, ghosts or spirits.

Show don't tell

Holly studied the space around her and was lethally stunned. They were not alone. The flapping of a cloak echoed around them

.

Again I think the word choice is wrong. I think stunned would be enough.

It was silent, deadly silent.

dead silent would be better. Also I think you could come up with a better comparison then that.

Lola scraped her scorching forehead with her razor-edged nails as she reached out for Christie’s hand. She squeezed it tightly, gallons of sweat seeping from her moist skin.

Why is she hot, it's night. If she is in a climate that is hot at night then this should have been specified in the original description. "It was a dark humid night." or something like that.

Christie tried to force herself to sprint so fast that it would soon be over but something seized her in her tracks.

I think this is a bad way to phrase it. What is the it that would soon be over. If you specify it will sound much better.

She whimpered and wheezed like a dog waiting for its dinner.
“Christie,” she moaned, impatiently. “Christie, this is freaky.” She spoke in a whisper but loud enough for her voice to bounce from tree to tree, echoing.

Don't quote me on this, but I'm pretty sure that's not possible. First a whisper is a whisper if it's loud enough to be heard and echoed then it's not a whisper. Second I'm almost sure a echo can't bounce off trees.

She was a tough figure at school but she found it hard to control her emotions and it was easy to tell when she was scared.

Show don't tell. I believe you are using the omniscient point of view. Which means you have to be careful with showing not telling. The fourteen year old girls was an example of that.

The abnormal silence settled once more creating a dodgy, unsafe atmosphere. Nothing made a sound.

Word choice

As death covered every space of the air, Christie stared down at the body, Lola’s body. At first she could not take in the unbelievable fact. She wanted to forget about what had happened and open her eyes from this fairytale.

Considering what happened I'd say nightmare would be better suited.

Lola’s eyes glared widely at Christie and her pale white skin looked almost icy.

Word choice. Glared indicates anger. He stubbed my toe so I glared at him. See unless Lola died angry this doesn't make sense.

“Lola’s body! It’s gone!” They scrambled over to where the body was and glared down at the empty space.

Again I don't think they are angry.

“The murderer’s probably taken the body so the police won’t be able to do tests on it and find out who it is,” whispered Christie. “There’s nothing we can do, come on, I need some answers.”

First in this day an age teens have cellphones they could call the police now. Second this statement seems odd. I can't imagine anyone saying such a thing. Have them say something along the lines of. "Where did it go ." "I don't know." simple, but considering the situation a much more accurate depiction a humans reaction.

And with that the two heartbroken teenagers left their school and entered the abandoned and shattered town of Grimston

.

Show don't tell

+ In several places you had excellent description.
+You built up some mystery to make me wonder about a few things.

-Word choice. In several places you use inappropriate words for the situation. Words are very definite. There are several ways to look at someone and they are all different. Glared, gazed, ogled. I suggest combing through your piece word by word and ask yourself is this the best word for the situation.

-Show don't tell- A good way of stopping this is getting rid of was and is and replacing them with description. Also avoid telling personality traits, such things are best shown in dialogue and action. Since you have little dialogue you miss the opportunity.

-Develop the characters- You don't show the characters that much, part of this is due to the fact your pace is a bit fast. My point is that I know very little about the characters except for the facts you tell me. Because of this I find myself not caring when they are attacked and Lola dies. If you develop her more you can make the death emotional for not only the other characters but for the reader. This too falls into the category of show don't tell, make the reader feel the emotion don't just say it make your characters heartbroken.

Overall I see potential. Like I said the mystery of what happened does intrigue me, and if you fix the things I mentioned then I cansee this piece being really quite great.

I hope I helped.

Thanks a lot for taking the time to review that, you have made some really useful points!

Firstly, you mentioned that I tell rather than show and that I need to develop the characters. You have said that a way to overcome this could possibly be to add dialogue. Well, I think dialogue is one of my weaker points because I can never get it to flow. Do you have any tips on how to write a good conversation? If so, they would be really appreciated.
Also, on the subject of developing the characters, this was just the first chapter and so in the next chapters you do begin to learn a bit more about the characters. Do you think I should have a prologue or something at the beginning to introduce them before the murder?
And finally, you said that some of my word choices don't really fit in such as 'lethally stunned' and 'unnecessary visitor' which reading back now, I do agree with. I try to write more maturely and so add lot of adjectives and adverbs. Therefore, I want to make it more interesting rather than just putting, ‘she was stunned’ or ‘the visitor’. However, I do feel like sometimes I try too hard and was wondering whether that came across at all?

Anyway, thank you again!
Sophie.

Hi Sophie, thank you very much for the gift. I decided to critique your work in exchange, hope this is alright!

I think PhoenixBishop is spot on with most of his comments, as well as picking out the small flaws, so I am just going to do an overview and try and answer some of your questions.

Overall, I think this has some real potential. You are very good at description, however it moves from original to cliche - you just need to weed out the unneccessary parts, then it will be easier to picture. I found myself thinking about the writing rather than the story. There is a lot of build up at the beginning, and a rather shorter end. I think the best way to go about sorting this would be to cut down the beginning, but this might sort itself out when you get rid of some of the description. I love the title and all the menace at the beginning. It has a great 'feel' to it, it's just, like I said, the picturing it that's difficult.

With writing dialogue, try just writing out a conversation with no description, no speech marks, nothing, just write a practice conversation, picturing the words being said in your head. Then try reading it out loud to see if it sounds natural. When you're happy with it, fit your action and description around it. Another thing I'd suggest for showing not telling is writing something out like you normally do, or taking something you've already written, and looking through it, picking out every sentence to scan it for telling. If it does have telling think 'how would they show that?' and change it, e.g.:
Telling: Elizabeth was freezing cold.
Showing: Elizabeth shivered, rubbing her blue arms to warm them.
I think you could introduce the characters a bit more, especially Lola. I wouldn't suggest inserting a prologue unless it has a place in the story - maybe just try and build them up a little in this first chapter?
It does come across a little that you're trying to hard, as if you are thinking more about writing well than the actual story. Just try and relax and 'get into' the story. Pretend to be your characters and treat them like real people. Make sure you're not writing about something just because you think it is a good story, write because it's a story you want to tell.

I hope I helped a little! I'd love to see this when you've edited it.
Sophie

Looking at this selection at face value, I think I see what it was that got you a good amount of the negative comments from PhoenixBishop. It looks like you're going far out of your way to find really fancy words to replace terms that would be just fine. Are you using a thesaurus, or something similar? In this process, you use words that might be too strong for the tone of the sentence you're trying to convey, or words that just don't really fit. Try to use words that you're familiar with instead, and make sure you fully grasp the meaning of words that you want to use that might sound better. That way, if you learn the words, you'll be able to use them at will later on.

One of the other things that I was worried about was the way the story was paced. It felt like things were happening way too fast, and that you could have given more time to develop the characters, setting and plot before propelling us readers headfirst into a lot of action. Also note, that when you plan on killing off a character, make sure you build him/her for us so that you can convey the emotion of death--a sad one, that--to the readers. Readers remember a powerful story, and emotion is what really makes a powerful story.