Chaos Theory: The Zombie Effect-- Chapter 1

Here's both the prologue (short) and Chapter 1. Please review, this is my first story on this website!! Don't be afraid to be picky either. I've tried to edit my tenses to be past tense all the time EXCEPT in flashbacks, where it's present. But that's probably my weakest area of writing, so sorry!~

Prologue
I ran. I didn’t even know why I was running anymore, I just was. I sprinted over roots, through broken down buildings, across a barren field. Then I heard it. A blood-chilling cry, so close to me it was like it was inside my head. I remembered why I was running now. With renewed energy I kept running, desperately trying to survive. Under columns, in between fallen trees, down a stream, over another root- I had misjudged the distance and was caught in it. My whole body suddenly stopped moving, and I fell to the ground, smashing my face into the dirt. As I struggled to free my foot from the root, I heard the cries getting louder and louder. My fingers hopelessly fiddled with the root, my heart was screaming inside my chest. “I’m going to die,” I thought. “No. I’m not going to die…” A brutal realization came over me as I saw one running toward me. “I’m not going to die… I’m going to become one…of them.”
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Chapter 1: Claire
Two weeks earlier
“Are we going to survive?” I asked no one in particular. I might as well have been talking to the wall for all the response I got. I looked over at the people around me, most of whom I barely knew.. Most of the others were sitting together, probably praying to God or something. Denver was sleeping, peacefully sleeping at that. “Hopefully he still thinks this is a game we’re all playing with him: Zombie Apocalypse.” He’s definitely handling it better than me. “I wanna go home” I whispered to myself, and suddenly tears were burning up in my eyes. I didn’t realize until now how much I wanted to leave this damned church. I had only been here for a week, but it felt like a lifetime. “I wanna go home” I whispered again, hoping for Ruby Slippers to drop in front of me, whisking me away from here. “I wanna go home….”
“Claire, get up! Come on, it’s the first day of school, don’t you want to look nice?”
“I’m up Mom, I’m up,” I say dryly to her. Tentatively, I open my eyes and roll over to see what time it is. 5:30. “I really shouldn’t have stayed up till 12:30,” I think to myself. School didn’t start for another two hours, but, like my mom said, I did want to look nice for the first day of school. I stumble over to the bathroom and start to put my makeup on. When I was younger, I thought makeup was gross, and I still do. But if you want to be accepted in high school, it’s a must. Slowly, I paint over myself, masking the bags under my eyes, masking the scars on my face. Transforming myself into a normal, stuck-up, popular girl. Someone I could never be on my own.
“Claire.” Jacob’s monotone voice took me out of my daydream
“What?” I asked, not even bothering to turn around.
“Well… we’re out of food.”
“What?!” I said again, spinning around to face him. “How the hell have we run out of food already? I mean, it’s only been a week!”
“Well, it’s not like we’re living in a grocery store. And there are a dozen of us here…”
“Fine. But, how are we going to get food? You’re not actually saying we go outside?”
“Well, yeah. Antonio said he saw a grocery store when he came here. We can’t go now, since it’s, well, the night. We’ll hit it tomorrow, at noon. That should keep us safe from...,” Jacob’s voice trailed off.
“Ugh. Is Denver staying here?”
“I... don’t know. Jane will probably decide that.”
“Why does Jane get to decide? It’s not like he’s her son or anything,” I said, staring at the pew. When I looked up, Jacob was already back to the little circle of friendship, talking to the others. I mentally prepared myself for tomorrow, running through everything I knew about surviving a zombie attack. It wasn’t much. “Aim for the head or both legs, don’t let its saliva contact your body,” I recited to myself. “Only go out during the day, as they mo-“ A loud bark interrupted my thoughts. I turned around and saw Denver’s dog, CoCo who was facing toward the boarded up, stained glass window, and was barking. I looked over at it. When I had arrived in the church the window was already boarded up, and hadn’t given it much notice since then.
“Wha…what is it girl?” Denver said, waking up. He went over and tried to calm the dog down. The others started to look at the dog, wondering what she could be barking at. I saw Antonio slowly pull something out of his pocket. It was a pistol. The whole room became silent, except for CoCo’s incessant barking. We all waited, tense, as CoCo's barks slowly died down into satisfied pants. I started to relax myself, convincing myself the dog had just barked at the wind. Then suddenly I heard a cry, an ear splitting, fear-inducing cry like fingers scraping a chalkboard. The glass in the window shattered with a crash and I saw a rotten, pale hand grasping the barricades. The zombie had gotten its hand through a space between the planks of wood. I screamed, and stumbled back into a row of seats. Antonio fired a shot at the window and I heard another cry, but this was a whimpering, pitiful cry. It made me think for a second that it wasn’t a monster trying to eat my brains. “This is going to be a long night,” I thought to myself, staring out the window into the dark, merciless world I had to survive in.

First off, great title. I read it and I was: "Aww, snap!" Ha ha. Awesome.

Anyway, acting my age again, this story is fantastic. Its addicting. You got MY adrenaline pumping by reading the prologue, and chapter one really sets the mood.

Its also well done. There was no spelling mistakes that I noticed, of course I was reading it so excitedly i might have missed them. The only thing I might ask is to put quoted words, what the characters say, on seperate lines. You did that with some but their are also some in paragraphs as if it was just a sentence. It makes the story look neater.

I can't wait to read more,

Trick

This is a good start to something interesting! I like it. :3 I think you can discribe the characters and the church a bit more, it helps with the mental image and that keeps the picture in a person's mind as they see reactions of a character or if a character is walking around where in the church they could be. Near a organ or empty pews or when it comes to characters they could see one staring with creamy brown eyes into anothers dark, bottomless eyes. Something that gives you a feel for the characters and their surroundings. The flashback idea was a good idea too, but make sure you say something before hand that tells the reader that they are daydreaming.But it's off to a good start, I really like it! I have always loved Zombies. X3 Continue writing, I must know more!

I'm a sucker for anything zombie related.

*Will review tomorrow when I am fully conscious*

This is a really good story, I can't wait to read the next chapter!

Aushy here, as requested! :}

Wariofart wrote:Here's both the prologue (short) and Chapter 1. Please review, this is my first story on this website!! Don't be afraid to be picky either.

Prologue
I ran. I didn’t even know why I was running anymore, I just was. I sprinted over roots, through broken down buildings, across a barren field. Then I heard it. A blood-chilling cry, so close to me it was like it was inside my head. I remembered why I was running now.Now? But, aren't we in past tense? Shouldn't it be 'then'? With renewed energy I kept running, desperately trying to survive. Under columns, in between fallen trees, down a stream, over another root- I had misjudged the distance and was caught in it. My whole body suddenly stopped moving, and I fell to the ground, smashing my face into the dirt. As I struggled to free my foot from the root, I heard the cries getting louder and louder. My fingers hopelessly fiddled with the root, my heart was screaming inside my chest. “I’m going to die,” I thought. “No. I’m not going to die…” A brutal realization came over me as I saw one running toward me. “I’m not going to die… I’m going to become one…of them.”
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Chapter 1: Claire
Two weeks earlier
“Are we going to survive?” I asked no one in particular. I might as well have been talking to the wall for all the response I got. I looked over at the people around me, most of whom I barely knew. Most of the other’s No apostrophe needed there. were sitting together, probably praying to God or something. Denver was sleeping, peacefully sleeping at that. Hopefully he still thinks this is a game we’re all playing with him. “Zombie Apocalypse”.Period inside the quotation marks. I know, it's weird, and it took me a while to realize that too. He’s definitely handling it better than me. “I wanna go home,” I whispered to myself, and suddenly tears were burning up in my eyes. I didn’t realize until now how much I wanted to leave this darned church.Uhm. I don't like the whole 'darned' thing. It just makes the whole sentence odd. It's your sentence though, so keep that in mind whilst editing. I had only been here for a week, but it felt like a lifetime. “I wanna go home,” I whispered again, hoping for Ruby Slippers to drop in front of me, whisking me away from here. “I wanna go home….”
“Claire, get up! Come on, it’s the first day of school, don’t you want to look nice?”
“I’m up Mom, I’m up,” I say dryly to her. Tentatively, I open my eyes and roll over to see what time it is. 5:30. “I really shouldn’t have stayed up till 12:30,” I think to myself. School didn’t start for another two hours, but, like my mom said, I did want to look nice for the first day of school. I stumble over to the bathroom and start to put my makeup on. When I was younger, I thought makeup was gross, and I still do. But if you want to be accepted in high school, it’s a must. Slowly, I paint over myself, masking the bags under my eyes, masking the scars on my face. Transforming myself into a normal, stuck-up, popular girl. Someone I could never be on my own.
“Claire.” Jacob’s monotone voice takes Takes? What tense are we in?me out of my daydream.
“What?” I asked, not even bothering to turn around.
“Well… we’re out of food”
“What?!” I said again, spinning around to face him. “How the heck have we run out of food already? I mean, it’s only been a week!”
“Well, it’s not like we’re living in a grocery store. And there are a fair number of us here…”
“Fine. But, how are we going to get food? You’re not actually saying we go outside?”
“Well, yeah. Antonio said he saw a grocery store when he came here. We can’t go now, since it’s, well, nighttime. We’ll hit it tomorrow, at noon. That should keep us safe from...” Jacob’s voice trailed off.
“Ugh. Is Denver staying here?”
“I... don’t know. Jane will probably decide that.”
“Why does Jane get to decide? It’s not like he’s her son or anything,” I said, staring at the pew. When I looked up, Jacob was already back to the little circle of friendship, talking to the others. I mentally prepareprepared? myself for tomorrow, running through everything I know about surviving a zombie attack. It isn’t much.I'm really doubting the tense now. “Aim for the head or both legs, don’t let its saliva contact your body,” I recite to myself. “Only go out during the day, as they mo-" A loud bark interrupted my thoughts. I turned around and saw Denver’s dog, CoCo facing toward the boarded up, stained glass window, barking. And now we're in past tense again. I looked over at it. When I had arrived in the church the window was already boarded up, and hadn’t given it much notice since then.
“Wha…what is it girl?” Denver said, waking up. He went over and tried to calm the dog down. The others started to look at the dog, wondering what she could be barking at. I saw Antonio slowly pull something out of his pocket. It was a pistol. The whole room became silent, except for CoCo’s incessant barking. We all waited, tense, as CoCoCoco's barks slowly died down into satisfied pants. I started to relax myself, convincing myself the dog had just barked at the wind. Then suddenly I heard a cry, an ear splitting, fear-inducing cry like fingers scraping a chalkboard. The glass in the window shattered with a crash and I saw a rotten, pale hand grasping the barricades. The zombie had got its hand through a space between the planks of wood. I screamed, and stumbled back into a row of seats. Antonio fired a shot at the window and I heard another cry, but this was a whimpering, pitiful cry. It made me think for a second that it wasn’t a monster trying to eat my brains. “This is going to be a long night,” I thought to myself, staring out the window into the dark, merciless world I had to survive in.

Alright, let's start with the problems:
1. Comma Placement
You seem to forget to place commas frequently after someone says something. Remember. :}
2. Tenses
Are we in the present or past tense? It's very unclear, seeing as you change tenses many times.

And now the good:
This was a very nice piece, over all. You're a good writer and you definitely should keep editing this until it's perfect! :} I'd love to read more when it's out. PM me or come to my shack by clicking 'reviews' on my signature.

Good job, and keep writing!

Love & Blessings,
Aushy

“I’m up Mom, I’m up,” I say dryly to her. Don't forget those commas. Tentatively, I open my eyes and roll over to see what time it is. 5:30. “I really shouldn’t have stayed up till 12:30,” I think to myself. School didn’t start for another two hours, but, like my mom said, I did want to look nice for the first day of school. I stumble over to the bathroom and start to put my makeup on. When I was younger, I thought makeup was gross, and I still do. But if you want to be accepted in high school, it’s a must. Slowly, I paint over myself, masking the bags under my eyes, masking and the scars on my face. Transforming myself into a normal, stuck-up, popular girl. Someone I could never be on my own.

I suggest you omit that word and add the 'and' in it's place.

“Claire.” Jacob’s monotone voice takes me out of my daydream.

Change that period into a comma. You never use periods to end dialogue. Unless it is the end of the sentence. Which it probably is here, so maybe it is OK for it to be there in this situation. But that probably means that the action should be brought down a line after the "Claire"

“Well… we’re out of food.”

A period is needed here.

“Wha…what is it girl?” Denver said, waking up. He went over and tried to calm the dog down. The others started to look at the dog, wondering what she could be barking at. I saw Antonio slowly pull something out of his pocket. It was a pistol. The whole room became silent, except for CoCo’s incessant barking. We all waited, tense, as CoCo barks slowly died down into satisfied pants.

I started to relax myself, convincing myself the dog had just barked at the wind. Then suddenly I heard a cry, an ear splitting, fear-inducing cry like fingers scraping a chalkboard. The glass in the window shattered with a crash and I saw a rotten, pale hand grasping the barricades. The zombie had gotten its hand through a space between the planks of wood. Added the missing 'ten' for you. I screamed, and stumbled back into a row of seats. Antonio fired a shot at the window and I heard another cry, but this was a whimpering, pitiful cry. It made me think for a second that it wasn’t a monster trying to eat my brains. “This is going to be a long night,” I thought to myself, staring out the window into the dark, merciless world I had to survive in.

Since the girl is thinking those quotation marks aren't needed. You just need to put the thoughts in italics.

Closing words:

Like I said before, I absolutely love anything zombie related! What I find really neat here is that you are using the running variety of zombies. The slow shuffling zombies of old just aren't scary are they? Just how is someone caught and eaten by a slow corpse?

Now as for the 28 DAYS/WEEKS LATER fast agile zombies you are using, that is awesome! (If you haven't seen those movies than you simply must)

There were a few typing mistakes in your piece every here and there, but nothing that detracted from my entertainment from it. God job.

-

Okay, thanks to everyone who edited my story, I've updated and edited it, so hopefully all the mistakes are gone.
Thanks again!

Hi Wariofart,
It's a great story I must say. Zombies is something that sound foolish to me but you have made this so interesting that i can not stop reading it more.No mistakes that I noticed for i am bad at this.Keep up !!!!!!!! PM me when next is complete.

Hello WarioFart!

Ok so I really liked this, you kept me gripped. You have corrected all of the mistakes except this one that I noticed:

We can’t go know, since it’s, well, the night. We’ll hit it tomorrow, at noon. That should keep us safe from...” Jacob’s voice trailed off.

'know' should be 'now'

You did a very good job with this, you just have to watch the placement of your comma's and your tenses as well. You could also develop your characters a little more, there is no need to lauch straight into the action. Give us a little more description of the setting and the main characters involved
Whenever I think of zombie stories I think of little kids writing them in a classroom, but you have changed my perception of zombies for life now

I'm going to go and read the second chapter now.

Well Done
Keep Writing

~Lydia

It was really interesting. I am so gonna read the next chapter! Good plot!

This had absolutely nothing to do with chaos theory at all. Which disappointed me, such a misleading title.

Hey, Your a very good writer. Loving the way your story pulls the reader in. I found a couple mistakes but they are very minor. The chapter 1 of Infected is nearly ready I am just working on the edges.
Good Job and keep writing.

Smexay