Cinder: Chapter 1 My Perfect Life

Prologue: viewtopic.php?t=50700

My Perfect Life (I’m crossing my finger’s behind my back in case you didn’t notice.)



“He what?!” I squalled, spitting diet coke across the room. It splattered the filthy yellowed wall and I felt like bursting out laughing, the anxiety and worry just let loose in my brain was running around my head like the Tasmanian devil and I felt slightly drunk. (At least what I supposed being drunk would feel like, I’d never actually drank anything alcoholic which was a great surprise since everyone in my family save for number seventeen drank).
Ok, maybe I should start using their names, you think? Calling them Seventeen and Eighteen is a little lame, I admit. The brother only a year older than me was Michel, we all called him Mike. Next up was Daniel we all called him Dan. And everyone called me either Butthead or Cindy. In this latte da family Butthead was the norm. And then there was good old Adam Holmes, yep dear little dad.
“Ya, that’s right Cindy. He just called.” I flopped down in the filthy couch and turned ‘Charmed’ off with a quick jab at the controller. The TV blinked off with a loud static sizzle and I sighed. Mike was standing over me, worry plastered across his face. He had on a filthy tank top and baggy blue jeans. His feet were bare and it was apparent he hadn’t shaved in a few days.
I sighed and rolled onto my belly. “Go get a haircut man, you ruin your figure. You look like a mop that just survived a tornado. Take a bath too, you smell like some old homeless beggar.” I heard his deep chuckle and glanced at him under my arm.
“What?” I demanded, (major annoyed here).
“What do you care Cinderelly? You look ten times worse. Weird huh? Even though Cinderella in the movie lived in rags, she was always clean and had fair skin and no acne to speak of.”
“Shut up you!” I hit him in the head with a pillow. I sighed as I looked around our living room. This house needed a Mom badly. It was a wreck. I highly doubted it had been cleaned once in the nine years we’d been here.
“Go do your home work Butthead, or we’ll be getting another call from some flippin’ teacher.” I scowled.
“I’m thinking here Mike, just go bark up somebody else’s tree if that’s not too much to ask for. Chill for a bit. You know as well as me Dad will be home soon. Dread the horror before you have to live it.” Mike sighed but luckily he scrammed and left me in peace.
I clambered from the sofa and raced up the stairs and barged into my room. I scowled at Mitsy who lay sleeping on my bed.
At last! You could tell some sane person lived in this house. My room, (unlike my pack rat siblings dung heaps), was as neat as a pin and clean. I sighed and threw open a window. The salty air I still loved flowed over me, its cool touch refreshing.
“Move over big butt.” I gave Mitsy a shove and she looked at me glumly. I knew if she could talk she’d probably ask ‘What was that for Stupid? I’m sleeping here, find somewhere else to place your oversized human fanny!’ I smiled, cats’ didn’t think much beyond that, (well at least not Mitsy), maybe somewhere else there lived a more intelligent cat.
I ran my fingers through my hair and groaned. Tomorrow was another boring school day and I was falling behind again, no surprise there. School sucked, it was dull, boring, stupid, pointless, need I go on? I mean the learning part is ok, get this, I actually like to learn, oh wow. It’s the way the school went about forcing all this knowledge on you at once. I mean I read this book once, ( I don’t remember the author’s name) but way to go author, this book would have shamed any teacher. It’s all about how children naturally are curious to learn and if allowed will grow and learn themselves if taught the right things at a right time and a certain allowance is allowed.
This school, no way, it was like if you didn’t finish a paper you’d committed a crime so evil and horrible, you were a bad kid. Now if school wasn’t bad enough they have to drown you at home with Home Work. It should be called Home Torture more like it. I personally think the old prunes running the joint should dry up and ditch the H.W. Who knows? Maybe kids at school would be less likely to act out in such violent ways, (I’m not saying I’m actually one of those kids).
Ok, back to the beginning, I guess I forgot to tell you what Mike had so graciously let me in on. Dad was drunk, had lost his job, and was headed home. Not too unusual, he’d lost three jobs this year and everything kept going downhill. I wanted to ditch this joint and be like gone. I envied Dan so badley, the day he’d turned eighteen he was so outta here, like I dreamed of doing every day of my freakin’ life.
Unlike myself, (who would have scrammed halfway around the world), Dan had moved his dung heap up to Fort Bragg so he could be closer to his beloved gang. If you asked me, nine miles between me and a raving lunatic of a dad would never be satisfactory. Oh yeah, I also forgot to tell you in these past years I discovered that Mom had indeed married an Evil Step Father and my old man was now a raving lunatic and a nutcase. How picturesque.

Oki doki! ^_^ Here I am reading the new story of cinders. It was interesting, no doubt about that. You could have managed without things like this

(major annoyed here).

or

(I’m not saying I’m actually one of those kids).

You understand. You could have inserted these without the need of () in a very narrative way.
What I really loved is, that from the way your character talks is a real image of how she grew up and how she is. Not the most ladylike way of speech. You got really well into the characters voice and sort of let her take over and tell her story...if you ask me. ^_^ I love when writers have strong relationships with their brain-children. You seem to me like one of those that have it.
Keep it up ^_^

Hi!
First of all, I really like the MC's tone. It's really realistic, and makes the reader want to read on. I loved it how you completely changed Cinderella from the orginal, and gave Cindy a really normal teenage attitude.
Now for the nit-picks...

It splattered the filthy yellowed wall and I felt like bursting out laughing, the anxiety and worry just let loose in my brain was running around my head like the Tasmanian devil and I felt slightly drunk. (At least what I supposed being drunk would feel like, I’d never actually drank anything alcoholic which was a great surprise since everyone in my family save for number seventeen drank).

This sentence is too long, and a bit awkward. I suggest changing it to something like this:

It splattered the filthy yellowed wall, and I felt like bursting out laughing. The anxiety and worry just let loose in my brain was running ran around my head like the Tasmanian devil, and I felt slightly drunk. (At least what I supposed being drunk would feel like, as I’d never actually drank anything alcoholic, which was a great surprise since everyone in my family save for number seventeen drank).

Or something like that.

Next up was Daniel, but we all called him Dan.

Comma after Daniel, and putting 'but' in will make the sentence less awkward.

And then there was good old Adam Holmes, yep dear little dad.

Comma after 'yep'. Or maybe you'd prefer to put it like this:
And then there was good old Adam Holmes. Yep. Dear little dad.

For some reason, I think that that way it's funnier - or maybe it's just me. xD

“Ya, that’s right Cindy. He just called.”

I still don't know who 'he' is, but I see you explained at the end what it was about. Still, maybe you could say it earlier - so the reader can feel for the MC, and understand her reactions?

“What do you care, Cinderelly? You look ten times worse.

Comma after 'care'.

“Go do your home work Butthead, or we’ll be getting another call from some flippin’ teacher.” I scowled.

Homework is one word.

I scowled at Mitsy, who lay sleeping on my bed.

Comma after Mitsy.

‘What was that for, Stupid? I’m sleeping here, find somewhere else to place your oversized human fanny!’ I smiled. Cats’ didn’t think much beyond that, (well at least not Mitsy). Maybe somewhere else there lived a more intelligent cat.

That sentence was hard to follow. I put my corrections in red

I envied Dan so badley

Should be 'badly'.

How picturesque.

This is a great ending, so in character.

Okay, so overall, great work, and not that many grammar mistakes! I love your characters. The only thing I can advise is to read over your work thoroughly, so you can detect any super long sentences, and try to make them shorter.
I can't think of anything else for now.

Keep writing, and hope I helped!

Hey there! There were some things I had some trouble with: When the narrator says "this house needed mom badly", I didn't know what to think. I didn't think it was necessary to put in that her brother (if I'm assuming right) was named Daniel, but everyone called him Dan. Also the same thing with her other brother. I also didn't know how old she was and that would help when she's talking about school to help the reader wrap their head around her complaint. I hope I helped!