Missing - chapter 4

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I've already changed the last chapters according to the reviews, and just to make it clear the main character doesn't know more than the reader. Anyway, please help me make this better! :D

I opened my eyes almost immediately, the sharp pain from falling heavily on the ground arousing me from unconsciousness. However, I wouldn’t let any pain - anything get in the way of finding out – finding out who kept calling me, who wanted to kill me, and what this had to do with Ronny.
I needed to follow them.
I pulled myself up quickly, using the side of my bed as a support. I ran to the window to see if there was any more movement by the bush, but it was still. Whoever it was, they were very good at hiding themselves. I ran down the stairs quietly so as not to wake Dad, my curiosity smothering the pain in my chest. I reached the front door, breathlessly turning the key and, slowly, opening it. Every time it made the slightest creak, I winced, not wanting to scare my pursuer away. Right now, the only thing I wanted was to find out the truth.

I stepped out into the cold night and shuddered. This wasn’t the first time I’d been out at this time, staring at the same, starry sky… I stopped myself before the memory of that dreadful night came back. I didn’t want the tears now. I looked around, hoping I wasn’t already too late. It was hard to see through the thick darkness and drizzle; hard to see through my narrowed eyes, heavy with sleep. Again and again I looked left, and then right, and then back to the bush – but I could see nothing. Damn, I thought. I should’ve at least brought a torch with me.But it was too late to go back now – I had to carry on looking. Slowly, I walked toward the front of our drive. Each footstep sounded like a mini explosion in the silence of the night, making me look around, paranoid, every few seconds. It wouldn’t be good if I woke anyone now.
Suddenly, I saw it. Or rather, him. A man dressed in all black, the hood pulled over his face, the cloak wrapped around his large body. Was this the man who I’d seen on the rooftop at the hospital? The man who’d been pointing a gun at my father? The man… the man who had shot me? He was holding a gun, a big gun. It had to be him. So what was he doing, standing not one meter away from me, completely still? Surely he could see me. He was pointing the gun straight at me, for goodness sake – why wasn’t he pulling the trigger? I looked behind him at the bush that he’d emerged from, to check if there weren’t any more coming. Nothing. No one. I wonder what the dark voice on the phone meant when it said: ‘We’ll never forget'. Who was ‘we’?
“Naomi. Come, come Naomi.” The horrible, snarling whispers came from the hood of the cloak – stopping my train of thought. My jaw clenched, determination running through my every bone. There was no way I was coming towards those cruel words – that hooded monster who stood in my drive, his darkness casting shadows over my house. My feet remained rooted to the ground. Nothing would touch me now.
“Come, come, dear. We won’t hurt you.” he whispered. Again – that we. I shuddered.
“No.” I said. “Never.” My voice was even, but anyone could hear the fear hidden behind the words. Even him. Suddenly, he began walking forward. Towards me.
“No!” I cried, wanting, now, more than ever, to wake my father. But my cry wasn’t loud enough, and the echoing footsteps continued to fall like atomic bombs.
“Are you sure you don’t want to come?” he asked quietly. He pointed his gun, now only a few centimetres away, at my head.
No. I wouldn’t let him win.
“I’m sure,” I gulped.
“Not even to save your life?” he asked. His footsteps continued, until I felt the tip of the gun on my forehead. He pressed, hard.
“Not even for your father’s?”
Don’t let him get to you. He doesn’t mean it.
“No.” I whispered. He wouldn’t kill Dad. Of course he wouldn’t.
“Not even for your mother’s?” he inquired.
His question made me jump. Surely, he’d have known?
“My mother’s dead.” I said, my mouth in a grim line.
“I knew that. Just wanted to hit a nerve.” His tone sounded almost jokey. I could almost see the grin, hiding under that dark hood. I could’ve hit him.
“Shut up! You don’t know anything about my life!” I shouted, tears of rage running down my cheeks. Before I could say any more, he pushed the gun even further into my forehead, silencing me. A horrible pain bashed at my head, over and over. A prisoner wanting to be set free.
“Stupid girl,” he muttered under his breath. “It seems you’re unwilling to come with me. But let’s see how you feel about that when I give you your next option.” he said more loudly. I waited, tense, as he collected his breath. “Would you follow me, my dear, if it meant that you were to see Ronny again?”
And suddenly, in a quiet, trembling voice that didn’t seem like mine, I said it.
I said yes.




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Thanks for the PM. Feel free to keep sending them.

Here are the thing I noticed:
I had to go back to part 3 to check and then I saw the other reviewer who said so: The fainting is very out of character. At the time I thought it was okay. But with her going to look for the man in the bush it just seems really odd.
I can understand that you do not want to make her wake her father, so she does not scream. But she could have stood shock still. That would work better I think.

A horrible pain bashed at my head, over and over.

Describe that more closely. Where does the pain come from? The gun he is shoving into her head? Or is it a headache?
Or does it have anything to do with this and if yes make sure they relate:
A prisoner wanting to be set free.

I think that sentence is very catchy. It makes me curious to what it is. If it is related to she sentence before make that obvious, if not then describe at least where the prisoner is.

Okay that was all I could find at almost midnight my time. But I think you are doing a good job. I can't wait to find out how this continues.
"Do you choose the path you walk upon or does it choose you?" - Abhorsen by Garth Nix

(freely translated form the language I read it in)




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Hey there, Ali! Great story! :D I read the first chapter, and I had to keep going - the writing really drew me in xD

There were just a couple of things I noticed.

However, I wouldn’t let any pain - anything get in the way of finding out – finding out who kept calling me, who wanted to kill me, and what this had to do with Ronny.

I think the way you want the reader to interpret that with emphasis on the anything so maybe it would be more effective as 'However, I wouldn't let any pain - anything - get in the way of finding out. Finding out who kept calling me, who wanted to kill me, and what this had to do with Ronnie.'

My feet remained rooted to the ground. Nothing would touch me now.

I don't quite understand how these sentences are related. And does she mean physically touching, or mentally?

Before I could say any more, he pushed the gun even further into my forehead, silencing me. A horrible pain bashed at my head, over and over.

What is the pain bashing 'over and over'? Is it the gun? If so, why is it bashing at her head continuously, instead of being one sharp pain?

Other than that, it was excellent! I really like how easily you seem to be able to set a certain 'mood' for the story with the words you use and the way you structure the sentences. That's something that doesn't come naturally to most people. You use cliffhangers effectively, too, and Naomi is easy to relate to. I'll most definitely be keeping an eye on this story! :)




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Hello again Lilicia!

This is a brilliantly written piece and there's really not much I can criticise. There's just one thing that seemed a bit weird to me and maybe it's just me, fell free to ignore my advice. I think the fact that the guy threatens to kill her Dad and she refuses to go with him but then he offers to tell her where Ronny is and she sgrees is a tad unrealistic. I mean, she doesn't know for sure that the guy does actually know where Ronny is.

Anyway, Apart from that this story seems to be going in an interesting direction and I can't wait to read more. Please PM me when you have the next part up!

Keep writing!

Afeefah :D
I am who I am. I wouldn't be me if I wasn't. :wink:



Who overcomes by force, hath overcome but half his foe.
— John Milton (Poet)