Terror. The prologue.

Prologue
It was very late and the entire house lay in darkness. The silence that seeped from the house was complete. Nothing moved within its walls. Ben Cartman lay in deep sleep in the upstairs bedroom, with his wife resting mutely beside him. Peace had settled over the house and everyone inside relaxed, deep in slumber. The road outside was just as serene with neither dogs barking nor cars rushing passed.
An hour later, Ben woke from his sleep. He had heard something which had disturbed his sleep and brought him back from the world of his dreams. He looked around the room to familiarise himself with his surroundings. He blinked several times, trying to bring himself back to the harshness of reality. He was still half asleep when he heard another noise. Even in his sluggish state he recognised it immediately. It was the sound of a key turning in a lock.
He propped himself up in his bed and listened more closely. The key had turned and he could now make out the sound of a door being opened and closed. Whoever was doing so took care to be as quiet as possible but failed to hide the sound completely. Ben was intrigued now and he got fully up out of bed, put on his dressing gown and crept out of the bedroom to go in search of the mystery intruder.
He inched his way along the hall and peered over the stairs. He remained there for what felt like hours looking over at the site below.
A man was in the hallway, wearing a neat black suit. He was a young man of average height He had with him three large black bags. He stood there with his back turned to Ben, pressing buttons on a hand-held device. Ben stared on in disbelief.
He lay there for a few more minutes before he decided he had to move. He knew what was going to happen next. He could feel the sense of sheer terror creeping up his spine and his blood froze, his heart stopped. He had waited for this day for years and now it was upon him he was unable to move. He had to get them out. He had to get away. He slowly edged himself from the stairs and tried to return quietly to his bedroom.
“Don’t move, Benjamin,” said the man. “I know you're there.”
Ben froze. He turned back to see the man still had his back turned and was still using the device in his hand. So after a split second, Ben ran.
He ran in to his bedroom shouting and screaming, “Get up Jane! Get up and run!”
Awoken by her husband’s cries, Jane sat bolt upright in bed and looked over at the door to see her husband burst in and stand in the door frame. Screaming at her and telling her to run. But he was too late. A second later a gunshot sounded. Then another. Then another. The whole house filled with screams and shouts. Moments later, it was silent once more.
*
Police arrived twenty minutes later after neighbours overheard the commotion. After searching the house they found Ben’s body with two bullet holes lying face down in the bedroom. Jane’s body lay on the kitchen floor with a knife jammed into her skull. But their 6 year old son was nowhere to be found. He had gone…

Firstly I would just like to say you never leave your story un named when putting it on this site, not if you want feeback any way. Your story title is the one thing that draws the reader in and makes them actually clink on this link and read it. If you leave it untitled no one gets a sense of what it is about or can speculate the plot, they will most likely just look over it.

Your grammar is pretty good, it was more the sayings and descriptions I had a problem with. For example:

It was very late and the entire house lay in darkness. The silence that seeped from the house was complete. Nothing moved within its walls. Ben Cartman lay in deep sleep in the upstairs bedroom, with his wife lying mutely beside him. Peace had settled over the house and everyone inside was relaxed and deep in slumber. The road outside was just as serene. Neither dogs barked nor cars rushed passed.

An hour later, Ben woke from his sleep. He had heard something which had disturbed his slumber and brought him back from the world of his dreams.

You used slumber here seperated by only a sentence, it makes it sound repetitive and rough. Just delete one.

brought him back from the world of his dreams.

I really hate this line. You are writting about something sinister and real, not fantasy and somehow the worlds of dreams sounds a little too fairy tale and la di dah for my liking. Sorry, i am being a nit pick. Other than that the first few sentences are great. Although the last sentence of the first paragraph "Neither dogs barked nor cars rushed passed." sounds too seperate from the rest of the paragraph. Either link it to the last sentence or delete all together.

He propped himself up in his bed and listened some more.

Listened some more? I'm sorry but after all of that amazing description and vocabulary you say "listened some more?", it sounds almost like slang, incorrect english. Change it please!

The key had turned and he could now make out the sound of a door being opened and closed. Whoever was doing so took care to be as quiet as possible but failed to hide the sound completely. Ben was intrigued now and he got fully up out of bed, put on his dressing gown and crept out of the bedroom to go in search of the mystery intruder.

If I woke up in bed and heard someone breaking into my house I would be more than curious. I would be horrified, try to get across more emotion that just curiousity.

He inched his way along the hall and peered over the stairs. He remained there for what felt like hours looking over at the site below.
A man was in the hallway, cloaked in a mask and wearing dark clothing. He had with him three large black bags. He stood there with his back turned to Ben, pressing buttons on a hand-held device. Ben stared on in disbelief.

The description of the man in a mask is a little too cliche for my liking. I have been told before on my own stories this exact same thing. You really need to seperate your criminal out from the rest, give him his own idenity instead of the stero-typical dark clothes, masked stranger.

He lay there for a few more minutes before he decided he had to move. He and his family were obviously in danger. He had to get them out. He had to get away. He slowly edged himself from the stairs and tried to return quietly to his bedroom.
“Don’t move, Benjamin,” said the man. “I know your there.”
Ben froze. He turned back to see the man still had his back turned and was still using the device in his hand. So after a split second, Ben ran.
He ran in to his bedroom shouting and screaming, “Get up Jane! Get up and run!”
Awoken by her husband’s cries, Jane sat bolt upright in bed and looked over at the door to see her husband burst in and stand in the door frame. Screaming at her and telling her to run. But he was too late. A second later a gun shot sounded. Then another. Then another. The whole house filled with screams and shouts. Moments later, it was silent once more.

This paragraph really confused me, you give out the impression throughout the text of the character being young, a teenager, then he is shouting to his wife? I was really suprised at the age of your MC, if this is deliberate then I apoligize but it not then you need to back track and add in some more information about his appearnce.

Police arrived an hour later. After searching the house they found Ben’s body with two bullet holes through his chest, lying face down in the bedroom. Jane’s body lay on the kitchen floor with a knife jammed into her skull. But their 15 year old son was nowhere to be found. He had gone…

Like where this is going, intesrted to see what you will do with the next paragraphs, pm me when you have the next chapter


izzy

I think you should try to show, not tell. Sometimes it makes the story seem very passive and unemotional.

Example:

He lay there for a few more minutes before he decided he had to move. He and his family were obviously in danger.

Maybe give the reader a glimpse into the character's head: He could feel blood pulsing against his skull as he lay in disbelief. His only immediate instinct was to guarantee the safety of his family.

Give the characters some more dialogue between each other to more fully illustrate the situation and the amount of fear they have.

hello,

I would like to say first off very interesting. I like the plot so far murder mystery and disappearance. So the story drags in peoples curiosity.

I didn't really see a lot of errors. In some spots I found it to sound a little awkward, but maybe it was just me. As for grammar I didn't see anything extreme, a few things here and there.

So good job with the story so far hope to read the next chapter soon, and comment more.

Hey, this is octocoffee. My input is quite long, so I hope it amounts to something for you.

It was very late and the entire house lay in darkness. The silence that seeped from the house was complete. Nothing moved within its walls. Ben Cartman lay in deep sleep in the upstairs bedroom, with his wife lying mutely beside him. Peace had settled over the house and everyone inside was relaxed and deep in slumber. The road outside was just as serene with neither dogs barking nor cars rushing passed.

You’re a bit passive in your writing, which fails to compel the reader and keep their attention. In an introduction, it’s especially important that you color your sentences with active verbs. Personally, I will go over and search for every is, was, were, am, etc. and rewrite the sentences. Of course, some of these just cannot be changed or sound better as is. However, I suggest changing things like the last line: “Serenity enveloped the road outside as well, as neither dogs barked nor cars rushed past.” This is a horrible example, but you see that using active verbs and reversing the sentence adds some variety to your paragraphs.

An hour later, Ben woke from his sleep. He had heard something which had disturbed his sleep and brought him back from the world of his dreams. He looked around the room to familiarise himself with his surroundings. He blinked several times, trying to bring himself back to the harshness of reality. He was still half asleep when he heard another noise. Even in his sluggish state he recognised it immediately. It was the sound of a key turning in a lock.

This paragraph is much better! You’re very active here, and it’s much more interesting than the previous one. The imagery is much more vivid. You mention that Ben is still half-asleep when he recognizes the sound. Does the sound awaken him completely? It’s just my own curiosity.

He lay there for a few more minutes before he decided he had to move.

You use the word ‘lay’ a little too much. Perhaps you can try another word?

“Don’t move, Benjamin,” said the man. “I know your there.”

‘Your’ should be ‘you’re’.

He ran in to his bedroom shouting and screaming, “Get up Jane! Get up and run!”

‘in to’ should be ‘into’.

Awoken by her husband’s cries, Jane sat bolt upright in bed and looked over at the door to see her husband burst in and stand in the door frame. Screaming at her and telling her to run. But he was too late. A second later a gun shot sounded.

I feel like ‘sat bolt upright’ is a little strange. Just try ‘bolted upright’. I think ‘gun shot’ is one word.

Overall, you should just skim through your work and look for passive writing. There were a few more instances, but I think you can find them on your own. When you write actively, the style is great and captivating! I’m really interested to see where you lead this, since your dialogue is well-done and I enjoy the description. I was really just being nitpicky throughout all of this because I didn’t find glaring content or style errors. Nice work, I'm really excited to see you continue this!

In the beginning, like the other commenters, I had the impression that Ben was younger. But other than that, as a prologue it works in that I'm interested enough to stick around to find out what happens next. Who was the man, why did he kill Ben and his wife, where is their son (who only got a mention in the last sentence) and what was that device the man was fiddling with.

The only question I would ask is why did it take the police an hour to get to the house? If someone had heard the shots and called the police, I would've expected a faster response time. On the other hand, if no one had heard the shots then the bodies may have lain undisturbed for much longer. Especially, if the killer closed the front door and made it look like nothing was out of the ordinary. I know it's a pedantic point to make, but unfortunately, that's the way my mind works. Sorry

To begin with the critical, you say "the man" too many times and there's not enough description. Tell us about the shadows in the house, the sound of the wind making the walls groan, the drop of sweat rolling down Ben's temple. You just need to heighten the tension and atmosphere, you know?

But I did like the title - caught my attention. And I like the whole mystery of it. Who was that man? Why did he kill that family? Where did the boy go? Good stuff. Keep writing.

KJ

Hi I'm Erin. When I read this, I actually liked it. I am not a big fan of these types of stories, but it was very interesting. I like how you had used third person, it gives a good awareness of the surroundings compared to how in first person you normally get a better awareness of the main characters thoughts. Of course though I had found some gramatical errors. To cut back on these it's always good to try to look over your posts before you submit them, but hey we all mess up sometimes right?
I actually had a few issues with how repetive you start to get, it's almost like you can't find another word to use for the one you used in the sentence right before it. Like:

An hour later, Ben woke from his sleep. He had heard something which had disturbed his sleep and brought him back from the world of his dreams

Adding sleep again is a little senseless, perhaps you could just drop the second sleep or replace the first one with slumber. It’s just a suggestion and you the writer have to make that decision on your own.
Overall aside from your repetiveness and your everyday gramtical errors, I really enjoyed it. Of course if you have any questions you can just send me a message, but I am really going to read more of your work.

Hi, PenNPaper here to review!

height He

A period if you want to start a new sentence.

You do not have many mistakes which is good. Though you did not really describe much of their thoughts and feelings, making it sound pretty dull and boring. Character development wise, I did not understand the feelings of your character, his personality..etc..You ended with a suspense, that is good too. So overall you need to work on your character's feelings and thoughts. Good luck!

OK, I liked this story. A good mystery is something I am always interested in. I saw one mistake that hasn't been mention yet I think.

dannyr122 wrote:Prologue
He had gone…

I'm not sure what you were going at when you wrote this. I know it was supposed to the the prologue, but wouldn't it be "He was gone" or "He was no where to be found"

Otherwise, I liked it.