Something Out There

28 posts1, 2
User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 317
Something Out There

Chapter One


The night air was crisp as was the ground under Seth’s footsteps. Fall finally made its entrance with the trees letting go of their leaves as if they knew the leaves were no longer needed for beauty. Seth loved this time of year. It was one of the few times his footsteps made a sound as he walked and tonight he purposely let his feet touch ground, just so he could hear the leaves crackle under his steps.

Seth’s mind was in turmoil, he needed to get this figured out but he could not grasp the reason why. He ran his fingers through his long, golden hair, what was it? There is always a purpose, ALWAYS! Why was this one kept from him? He continued to walk slowly as he willed his mind to match his footsteps, but his mind would not slow to the pace.

How could he exist without his charge? This child who was given to him to protect from the moment he entered his mother’s womb. Seth steadfastly guarded Christian who now celebrated his tenth birthday. He loved this boy with everything in him. His boy had a way of melting his heart by just being in the same room with him. He also knew Christian was different from other children his age; it was something Seth kept to himself. He shut his eyes tight, unable to control the tears now trickling down his face.

Seth did not see the black, boney arm with long, pointed fingernails striking out making him fall to the ground. As he lay in a heap, the demon crawled away with a sneer leaving a sulfuric mist in the air. Seth stayed where he fell unable to find the energy to get up, neither did he have the will. All he could feel right now was sadness so deep, it cut through his soul. Only one other time did he feel this way and it was two thousand years ago, this feeling of helplessness was not something Seth was accustomed to.

The park was full of trees; it gave Seth the feeling of being in a forest and not in the center of the city. It was full of small animals, and it was Christian’s favorite place to be. Christian loved feeding the squirrels and other small animals. “Stop it!” Seth screamed in his mind, trying to keep the memories from surfacing. “This is not going to get you answers.”

Aronn floated barely above the top of the tree line, just enough to keep hidden. His massive wings tucked in so the light would not give away his presence. The darkness of night helped to shroud his large form. His green eyes stood out against his black hair. He was unaware of his beauty, but not his strength. He wrapped his cloak tighter around himself as he watched Seth; he was trying to understand the emotions Seth was emanating. It confused him. Where was Seth’s strength? He looked pitiful just lying there! It filled him with disgust.



Aronn could see the demon following Seth, it would take but a blink of an eye to end its disgusting existence, but he could not draw his sword to send it back to the depths. If he did it would give away his presence. This small of a demon was not worth showing himself. Not yet anyway. Aronn hovered motionless for what seemed like eternity, not moving even an inch, observing the entire park. His job at this moment was to keep an eye on Seth. He would rather be anywhere but here. His passion was going into battle, which was what he was designed to do, not being a babysitter for a guardian, and a pathetic one at that. But he would stay and follow orders.

Seth was still lying there; the only thing moving was his robe in the wind. Aronn was getting extremely annoyed by this, when suddenly something else moved in the dark. It was about ten feet from Seth. He knew it was not one of his kind by the way it crawled along the edge of the bushes. This demon was larger than the one he had seen trailing Seth earlier. Why would they be interested in Seth? This did not make sense, one this size did not waste its time on anything but countries and nations, not parks and definitely not guardians.

Aronn drew his sword, something did not feel right. Does he stay in place or show himself. His orders were to protect Seth but to do it without being seen. His skin crawled as the demon moved beneath him, it didn’t look up; its red eyes focused only on Seth. It watched Seth silently, unaware it had been seen. Its mouth spread in an uneven grin. Aronn did not move, his eyes going back and forth from the demon to Seth. The demon was not moving, and Aronn was sensing a change in its behavior with the breathing becoming heavier and filling the air with a stench. Its eyes are now darting back and forth. The grin had left. It was looking for an escape. It sensed another presence but could not locate it.

Aronn scanned the park; something was making this demon nervous. He knew it could only be one thing. Anger welled up in him, who was being so careless! The light caught both Aronn and the demon’s eyes simultaneously. The demon moved with the speed which did not match its enormous gnarled body. It took flight with thin, black wings. Three sets of large claws extending as fingers from each vein running the length of the wing. It vanished. Aronn laughed to himself, if only the demon knew it ran from a guardian, and a gentle one at that. Aronn sheathed his sword and watched as an angel quietly approached Seth. She bent down and placed her hand gently on his head, “Seth get up” Bri whispered. “You can not stay here, it is not safe!”
Last edited by Kim on Mon Oct 22, 2007 6:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 7740
Reviews 713
Oh my gosh! This so cool! It grabbed me from the start! Totally mysterious. I couldn't find anything wrong with it. I just loved it! lol

There was only some parts that still don't make very much since and I'll show you:

when suddenly something else moved in the dark. It was about ten feet from Seth. He knew it was not one of his kinds by the way it crawled along the edge of the bushes. It was larger than the one he had seen trailing Seth earlier and much larger.

Was that the demon that you were talking about earlier? If it was then it is my fault for not relizing it, but otherwise this story in fantastic! I love it and I hope that other people will realize how great of an author you have become!


Always,
BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 28
I think it is amazing :]
Keep up the good work ;D
Cant wait till the second chapter comes out!
I'm excited to see what will happen next <3

love you




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 114
very good :-) i look forward to reading the following chapters

one thing tho:
He was unaware of his beauty, but not his strength
you have a double negative; i suggest fixing that. apart from that i thought this was a great way to introduce a novel.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 52
Dude, this is awesome!

Kim wrote: He ran his fingers through his long, golden hair comma splice. It should be a period. What was it?


Kim wrote:
Aronn drew his sword, something did not feel right. Should Just a personal suggestion, but I think it sounds better than 'Does' he stay in place or show himself?


Other than the little grammar things (That I suffer with too, terribly), sounds awesome! Please pm me when you post the next chapter!
Give me time, i'll crit your work XD I promise.
GO HORACE!
I have some IA on Venus, but I don't know how long it'll last. my com's getting crushed.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."~Carl Jung, psychologist and psychiatrist.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 78
It's great - I was hooked immediately and now I'm intrigued. I desperately wnat to know what happens next, which is a testament to your skills as a writer. One thing;
[quote]




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 78
It's great - I was hooked immediately and also very intrigued. I desperately want to know what happens next, which is a testament to your skills as a writer. One thing;
He knew it was not one of his kinds by the way it crawled along the edge of the bushes.

Should it be 'not one of his kind'?
Well done - it's great!
Bkwrm :)




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 317
thank you for commenting. my word program keeps changing it to one of his ( kinds). i prefer (kind) also. it make me wonder if the program is always correct. :)

i took your advice and changed it,




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 27175
Reviews 387
(Does this belong in fantasy?)

Okay. Unlike everybody else, I wasn't partial to this piece. I found the description awkward and the internal dialogue confusing. The beginning portion - which concentrates on Seth - should be longer. You should also heighten the tension before introducing the demon. Let your story play out. Don't force it in a certain direction. Chracters always come before story; so spend some more time describing Seth's feelings.

"Aronn"

Fall finally made its entrance with the trees letting go of their leaves as if they knew the leaves were no longer needed for beauty

It was one of the few times his footsteps made a sound as he walked and tonight he purposely let his feet touch ground, just so he could hear the leaves crackle under his steps.

There is always a purpose, ALWAYS!

Seth did not see the black, boney arm with long, pointed fingernails striking out making him fall to the ground.

She bent down and placed her hand gently on his head, “Seth get up” Bri whispered. “You can not stay here, it is not safe!”
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 23
Your Story was sooo good!! Wow thats the only word i can think of right now!! Very very gooD!!




Random avatar
Gender None specified
Points 1176
Reviews 56
Overall, it is very good. The only thing I wasn't crazy about was the sudden mentioning that he was in turmoil. In the first paragraph, it seems he is very glad. In the second paragraph, it is suddenly revealed this is not the case. But that's just my opinion.




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 4790
Reviews 42
This is well written as far as the story line, there are a few grammar errors, but i see they have already been brought to your attention. although i am not into this stuff you are writing about, i did like the story tho.
good job.
lysolstinks




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 43
A friend told me to check this story out. WOW what an interesting story, I look forward to reading the rest of the chapters, I can see it has alaready been critiqued so I will move on to the next chapter. I just want say your style of writing is very good for a first time writer. Kudos.

Hummingbird
I hate mean people




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 1162
Reviews 61
O ops i read the 1st draft of chapter One. I like how you developed it more, intersting way how to introduce so many characters within one chapter. Why is there a larger gap in the middle? Im going to read the next few.

xxFlora




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 890
Reviews 85
This first paragraph doesn't feel right. Something is wrong with that second sentence. It's the tense. It should be 'Fall had finally...' if you keep it in present tense then it sounds as if right there, then, fall came. Which, I'm assuming isn't what you're saying. And after that third sentence I wouldn't end it with a period, use a semi-colon. Those two clauses are very similar and a period is too strong in my opinion. Other than that stuff... I don't like the paragraph at all. It's awful.

The reason: tone. Your first paragraph portrays Seth as this happy, go-lucky guy that loves autumn. Your second paragraph throws the whole thing off by saying his mind is in turmoil and shoves us into this new paradigm where Seth is trying to sort some problem out in his mind.

On top of that, your first paragraph is pointless. It's useless. You didn't even give us a setting. You told us Seth is walking and that he loves the fall. How does that help your story at all? Whenever you write something there needs to be a purpose to it.

You should get rid of the whole first paragraph and just make your second paragraph your beginning.

Now, about your second paragraph. It's also not very good. It feels like you're forcing everything into this great height of exclamation! WHY, WHY, WHY!?!? That's what it feels like when I read it. You need to tone it down. Also you've put like four questions in there that all need answering which immediately sets me into confusion and I need to go back and reread it just to make sure I caught each question because each question you set up says something about the character. I will portray what goes through my mind as I read your second paragraph.

Character: he needed to get this figured out but he could not grasp the reason why

Me: what does he need to figure out and why does he wonder why he needs to figure out (that's confusing)

Character: He ran his fingers through his long, golden hair

Me: Long, golden hair? Sounds like rapunzel. Get rid of that description.

Character: what was it?

Me: What was what?

Character: There is always a purpose, ALWAYS! Why was this one kept from him?

Me:
Always a purpose for what? Is he always told the purpose of this 'thing', whatever it may be?

Character: He continued to walk slowly as he willed his mind to match his footsteps, but his mind would not slow to the pace.

Me: What a ridiculous sentence. Why is he trying to will his mind to match his footsteps. And why am I being told this? I want to know the answers to my other five billion questions, screw him trying to synchronize his mind and footsteps.

The reason I showed these responses was to show what may go through a reader's mind. Hopefully you can see that you've presented far too many questions in one paragraph. You need to spread them out over the narrative so it's not too much at once.

As you can hopefully see your first two paragraphs are disconcerting at best and need a lot of work. I've stopped reading because I generally only read the first 2-3 paragraphs of a narrative to decide whether I'm going to continue reading it. A publisher probably will not even give you that. Good luck with your writing.

-aero
Last edited by aeroman on Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
They haven't invented the missile that can kill an ideal.



I think Amelia Earhart wants you to get some ice cream.
— SilverNight