Young Writers Society

Matthew is a 35 year old father sitting next to his daughter in a hospital.

It was that moment when the realization of a divine truth occurred. Somehow everything just began to unfold right in front of me. Suddenly everything made sense. All the pain, all the struggle. This moment took forever to come but yet the beauty of it, God bless, I can never decode. I set my eyes on you, my first child, and the cleansing of my being took place.

It felt like back in time I was a spirit and I was bonded with this little gem. You and I, we floated together until I found a material body and brought you here 25 years later.

They were blank impulses, baby, blank impulses that had my facial muscles contracted forever into a smile. It … it felt like no one could take this moment from me, never. I could comprehend the sunshine, the rainbow. I couldn’t have been more grateful than that, than having you in my arms.

You were the star I wished on every night, weren’t you?

You were sleeping when I first saw you; a band of angelic colors integrated into one light, one being. I realized I had just become the richest man in this world. I remember kissing you on the forehead and wanting to hold you high. I felt like the happiest man on Earth. Happiest man, you hear.

I had gently run my hand through your small face, studying every fold, every crease. You had the face of your mother. I felt the pride equivalent to conquering this world. You know what daddy wanted to do? Daddy wanted to place a diamond tiara on your head. You were the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

When I placed you back into the crib, I looked at you all night and it was the most beautiful night of my life. I could already imagine you calling ‘dada’, I could imagine you holding my hand while I take you to the shop, winning a race and running into my arms, going to college and making me and your mom proud.

You know, you were the best thing to ever happen to me right?


Baby … baby does your head still hurt? The bleeding stopped, right? So you’re okay, right? Won’t you hold my hand now and ask for some candy? Daddy has candy for you; you know that … that table right there? I kept it there. I kept it so I could surprise you. Won’t you ask me for it?

You know I’ll do anything for you, right? I’ll bring you the moon; I’ll change the colors of the noon. My little gem, my baby, why doesn’t your heart beat? Why can’t I hear it? Daddy’s right here, won’t you open your eyes and look at me? Do you like to hear me crying for my baby? Tell me you love dada? You’re just sleeping, aren’t you? Baby …?

You won’t listen. I know you can hear me but you won’t listen. You left me, you left daddy. My best part’s just been ripped out of me. But baby you know, if I knew; if I knew I’d have you for only 10 years, I’d never let you leave my lap. Daddy would never let you leave his sight.


I can feel your presence, are you talking to me? I can see you smile. You don’t want daddy to cry? Okay, I won’t cry. What did you say baby? You want me to kiss you goodnight and tuck you into the blankie? You’re daddy’s little girl and I love you, baby.

I love it it was great keep it up and I started following you. So if you can follow me back that would be great

Thankyou!

Okay I'll start with the boring stuff:

I had gently run my hand through your small face, studying every fold, every crease

If you just look at this you can see this conjures some weird imagery...fix please?

I could already imagine you calling ‘dada’,

You forgot a "me" before "'dada',".

going to college and making me and your mom proud.

This one was really picky, but I feel the need to point it out. It's a general rule when writing that you put the other person before yourself when you write about another person, so this should be "making your mom and me proud".

As a final critique, I would just like a liiiittle bit more information. We know his daughter's in the hospital, dying/dead, but why? What happened? Why is she bleeding? Also, I didn't know that she was hurt until the end. All we know is that she's in the hospital. She could have cancer, or another serious medical condition and your readers are confused and left in the dark until the end.

Now I'll step back...

Oh...My...Gosh. This was so incredible. I read the end and almost cried, and I never cry. It had a good introduction, it was captivating throughout, well thought-out, with an ending to satisfy all endings. Very, very well done. I loved it.

Yo. I'm tired. Yay.

*cough* Anyway.

You should not--and I want to emphasize this--put the setting in italics the way you have done. Either use one (or more, whatever) sentence(s) in normal type to explain what's going on, or simply use lines or something to signify that the setting has changed.

Example:

"Thoughts thoughts more thoughts I'm thinking this is a bunch of thinking I'm just typing that I'm thinking because I don't feel like coming up with my own monologue at the moment blah blah monologue thinking daddy's little girl

-------

Thinking in a different setting more monologue blah blah thoughts more thoughts blah de blah blah blah"


So I obviously didn't put much effort into my example, but that's more like what you should do, structure-wise. (Not the fragments and zero punctuation. That's bad. )

Really, it just looks better. If the tone has changed (as it does when you change scenes, after the daughter has actually died) then you don't need words to indicate the change, just the scene change.... I'm not saying this well.

In your monologue, you are already conveying the emotion of the father. That's good. In your italics, you're telling us what he's doing. That's bad--at least the way you did it here. "Calms down" and "Panicks" are something you would see in a script for a play, not a monologue. Because you can already tell that he's panicking and calming down from the words he's saying, to say that he's panicking and then calming down is just superfluous. You don't need it. Your writing doesn't need it--and that's a very good thing.

What I've basically been trying to say to you is, show, don't tell. (Don't click that link unless you have a lot of time on your hands! I mean it. Tvtropes is dangerous. ) You'll hear that a lot, from various people--it's what writers should strive for. The good news is, you've pretty much done that, here. The bad news is, you kinda killed it with the italic parts. (Not a problem--just use the back button! ^_^)

Now, if you want to show where the father is without breaking the monologue style of the piece, you could put something in there where he's saying to himself that he never thought he'd be sitting by his baby's hospital bed, or something to that effect.

Having said all that...

This is beautifully heartbreaking, and you did a fantastic job. I can guarantee you that some fathers will find this hard to read, because it will touch them so deeply.

It needs a little cleaning up, but in the long run, that doesn't matter. You've grasped what writing is [i]for[i].

To me, that's the most important part.

Hi there!

Wow, this is a great! I can definitely feel the oodles of emotion in this. You did a great job getting inside the father's head. I like how you have him describing how he feels other than having an outside party describing the baby. It means so much more when it comes from the actual person. I am a little confused though, did the baby die? I think that's what happened at the end, but I'm not sure.

Overall this is a good piece. Keep writing!

I already gave you my review before we handed in our coursework. Just posting here for a point or two. I'm bored, basically so...y'know what I mean, right??? I lOve You!!!!

Matthew is a 35 year old father sitting next to his daughter in a hospital.

You could SAY this somewhere in the text. NEVER EVER EVER write it like this. You've already lost me. Already >.>

Starts panicking.

You've lost me. Any emotion that you had conjured up crashed and burned. Tell us the thoughts, tell us why he is panicking. Like this:
My heart beat quickens, and I glance at the moniter, seeking the solace knowing your precious little heart is still beating
See how much more emotion is in that?

I did get a little tear. It made me very sad
Nice Story.
~Drama

Why did this never get featured? manush shob pagol. JAI hok, the grammar, flow, description, content, emotion, story plot, shob awesome silo- I still love this piece alot.

You know I’ll do anything for you, right? I’ll bring you the moon; I’ll change the colors of the noon. My little gem, my baby, why doesn’t your heart beat? Why can’t I hear it? Daddy’s right here, won’t you open your eyes and look at me? Do you like to hear me crying for my baby? Tell me you love dada? You’re just sleeping, aren’t you? Baby …?

Ilove this most.

Thank you. <3