Wyatt Grunst was born on the planet Nylar. When he was eleven his home, along with the settlement of Casca, was razed to the ground by the Crimson Dust raider gang. From that day he vowed that he would fight evil in all its guises. Wyatt grew up and joined the United Space Navy, he is held in high regard around fellow soldiers and his superiors call him “the perfect soldier”. Wyatt has unending faith and unshakable loyalty to the USN and would go to any ends to make sure that Earth, and more importantly Nylar, are kept safe from any invaders, human or otherwise. Wyatt has jet black hair in a military style buzzcut as well as two emerald green eyes and convex nose. He also has normal sized mouth and dark tanned skin, which is native to the Nylar colonists. The skills he has acquired due to being in the USN have made him into dangerous adversary, unmatched in close quarter combat. He is a deadeye marksman, a graceful pilot and a logical engineer. However he uses his reputation as a mask to hide from his traumatising childhood experience.
I want to see you choke on your lies, Swallow up your greed, Suffer all alone in your misery.
A good start for a character profile, with a great variation description words. If this is going to be a part of a sci-fi story, then I think Wyatt would make a good central character. Do improve try describing his physical traits, eg. build, scars etc. Overall this is a good first piece, but try using more in-depth description, and maybe include a bit more of their personal history, so we cantry and get into the characters head.
But overall a good job. Keep up the good work!
Laments of passion Obstructed by fear. Under guises of jovial chatter; Incredulous hopes Steadily feasting away- Eating away at my heart.
K. This doesn't sound original at all. Run Wyatt through some Mary Sue tests. Link One and Link Two for Mary Sue tests.
If Wyatt comes out fine, then great! You can feel extremely free to punch me in the face. It's just that reading over your description, he comes across as very Mary Sueish. If you've not heard of the term before, in the first link, there's another link to the Wiki article, so that should be helpful. Mary Sue traits include getting one's family killed, getting one's home destroyed, having a traumatic childhood, vowing to fight evil because of said traumatic childhood, being great at what they do, etc.
His physical description also bugs me. A convex nose? What does that mean? Does it matter? Why mention his nose? Does the shape of his nose have any great bearing on the story?
I don't read a lot of space science-fiction, so I don't know whether the USN thing is usual, but when I read that, all it made me think of was Starfleet--the implication being, it's been done (brilliantly) before.
I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. It's not meant to crush you and leave you in a bleeding lifeless heap on the floor, and I do apologise if I came across as deliberately mean, but it's genuinely meant to help. The Mary Sue tests have helped me loads, so I hope they help you too. PM me if you have any questions!
-twit
"TV makes sense. It has logic, structure, rules, and likeable leading men. In life, we have this."
Ah. Midgit. Didn't know you'd written this... I feel soft for saying it after twit there ripped you to pieces, but this was pretty good. My only question is, what do you plan to do with it. If you aren't planning on using it in a story then I question the sanity of writing it. Buy if you will use Wyatt in something later (having said that, he's the one in your prologue, right?) then you seriously need to be critical with this. While I don't have a clue what a 'Mary Sue test' is, twit makes a few good points. What a convex nose is and why it is relevant to the story is one thing, but more simply just check your wording. Drop a little of the spiel in favour of information that you would need to know for a story to make sense. Other than that, good job. Post something else!! Crow29
At the end of the day, when the sun is gone and the light is lost, the shadows will play.
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