mysterious

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CRUNCH! I looked down to see something golden and shiny poking out from beneath my black converse. I let go of my boyfriends hand an pick it up. I hold it up to the light.

"Chad what does this look like to you" I ask.

"It looks like a shell casing. Where did you find that?"

"I stepped on it. Where do you think it came from?"

"I don't know and I don't really care. C'mon I really wanna show you this place."

"I'm coming I'm coming." I roll my eyes and follow along.

We come to a clearing and Chad just stops and stares at the spot. It is full of garbage and very little grass. I walk up to a pile and see a crumpled, faded comic book and a discarded soap box. Chad just sits down on the grass head in his hands.

"Chad whats wrong?"

"This place used to be so beautiful. Flowers blooming and tall green grass. Look at it. Its disgusting."

"Chad its alright. Don't worry about it. Lets just go back and have some pizza. I don't mind really."

As we walk back Chad keeps looking at me.

"You know I love you right?"

"Yes, And you know I love you too right?"

"Yes." He looks as though he is about to cry.

The next day I call his cell phone to see where he is. Straight to voice mail. I don't even bother to leave one. I grab the keys and decide to go see what is going on. I knock on the door and wait. No answer. I decide that he is just out and forgot to turn his cell on. I go home and decide to fill my time painting.

The next day I try to call his cell again and it goes straight to voice mail. I call his house phone and I get a non-existing number message.

I walk in the door after school and look at the mail in my hand. I got a letter...from an address I've never seen before and no name.

"Elli,
I love you so much and I would have never left if I had any hope for the future. I know you can figure this out. It is too risky for me to tell you.

I love you so much
Chad"

I turn the envelope upside down and out falls the crushed shell casing. I feel my eyes tearing up. What is going on?
Last edited by Jessey on Sun Nov 29, 2009 1:37 am, edited 1 time in total.
When you are in love with your instrument you know you are a band geek!!<3




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Hi, welcome to YWS! I'm Voxina. Feel free to PM me if you have questions or want to talk to someone.

I'll give you a review. First, to let you know, any suggestions I have are just that, only to make the story, "Mysterious" better. I apologize in advance if it sounds harsh or anything...

This is a great story! But it needs some work so that people will take it more seriously.

1) You must capitalize the pronoun "I" no matter where it is in a sentence, and sentences should always start with a capital letter.

2) You don't tell who the main character is. I'm pretty sure it's a girl, but what's her name?

This is the main issue with your story. I have nothing to add, except that this is great!

Please write more... I am dying to know what is happening to... the main character who loves Chad!




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I just read the first couple paragraphs...

Okay, the object you described would be a bullet cartridge. They are the shiny gold things used in rifles. However, they do not make a "crunch" sound. However, shell casings do. those are for shotguns. However, they tend to be red or yellow or blue, not gold and shiny. They are also very dull and usually dirty.

Just wanted to clear that up
stay gold, ponyboy



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