Guilty

What if I kill myself? What are you going to do?

You're probably going to say: "it depends on the circumstances"

Well, what if I'm richer than Richie Rich?

You'd probably say: "Do I know you?"

Yes, you do

"Well, how close are we?" you'd reply

Closer than two peas in a pod

I bet you're going to say: "Well, I'd wonder why you killed yourself"

I killed myself because of you

"What did I do?" your mind mutters

Oh, not much. Just got a kitchen knife and tore the throat of my beloved

I swear on my own grave that you're going to say: "What? I never did that!"

Don't deny it. After all, I saw you do it.

"Oh yeah? Where's your proof?" is what you're thinking

I sigh. The knife you threw at the garbage can with your bloody fingerprint on it.

"h-how did you know that?" comes out of your mouth in a frightened whisper

I saw you do it

"w-who are you?" would be the wisest response you make

I am you.

"w-what?" when this comes out of your lips, your eyes are bulging

What is it with you and stuttering? I already gave you a clear enough answer: I am you

"I can't help that I stutter" you say with your eyes narrowed. "What do you mean by 'I am you’?"

I'm you're conscience

"W-what? That’s impossible! I can't talk to my conscience" you gasp

You can if you're crazy

Tell me what you think! I wrote this as a spur-of-the-moment thing...

That's really cool! Interesting idea too.

I love the: "What did I do?" line. I could picture someone muttering that. Very interesting and very nice flow. It was odd, which made it cool.
-Elise

Reading your comment makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside! thank you!

First of all, I would get rid of the italics. It's unnecesarily distracting and makes it somewhat difficult to read.

Veerocious wrote:What if I kill myself? What are you going to do?
You're probably going to say: "It depends on the circumstances."
Well, what if I'm richer than Richie Rich?
You'd probably say: "Do I know you?"
Yes, you do.
"Well, how close are we?" you'd reply.
Closer than two peas in a pod.
I bet you're going to say: "Well, I'd wonder why you killed yourself?"
I killed myself because of you.
"What did I do?" your mind mutters.
Oh, not much. Just got a kitchen knife and tore the throat of my beloved.
I swear on my own grave that you're going to say: "What? I never did that!"
Don't deny it. After all, I saw you do it.
"Oh yeah? Where's your proof?" is what you're thinking.
I sigh. The knife you threw at the garbage can with your bloody fingerprint on it.
"H-how did you know that?" comes out of your mouth in a frightened whisper.
I saw you do it.
"W-who are you?" would be the wisest response to make.
I am you.
"w-what?" when this comes out of your lips, your eyes are bulging
What is it with you and stuttering? I already gave you a clear enough answer: I am you
"I can't help that I stutter" you say with your eyes narrowed. "What do you mean by 'I am you’?"
I'm you're conscience
"W-what? That’s impossible! I can't talk to my conscience" you gasp
You can if you're crazy.

As you can see, I made a few changes above, punctuation, capitalization and such. I changed it to "to" in line 18; I think it makes more sense that way.
In general, this is fantastic. I love the voice, the style, you have good rhythm.

I think I'd completely nix the last 6 lines completely. They detract from the style of the rest of the poem, and from the surprise of the line "I am you."
The last lines don't add anything to the poem.
I loved the line "I am you." It was surprising. And again, it would definately make a good ending.

I really liked this. It was very original. I liked the tone, the voice, everything:) Good job!


*adna*

Thanks for a very helpful criticism! I will definitely correct those errors as soon as possible!

I think this is original, I liked the stuttering, that's something I can imagine someone doing in these circomstances. I only have one thing that sorta bugged me... and your going to think its really stupid.

"h-how did you know that?" comes out of your mouth in a frightened whisper

The word frightened seems pointless here, because they're stuttering, which already shows that their afraid. i would just scratch it, I think it might help the flow.
Other than that, I think its great. I especially loved the ending. Brilliant!
~MV

Thanks! And I will try you're suggestion to see which is better!

This was awesome, but sort of weird... which makes it awesome! There should be more stuff like this.

I really liked it.
At times it could get confusing.
But i liked the voice.
Good.

Very interesting. I see someone else caught the grammar, so I'll skip that.

One small thing: when 'I' say that 'I' can't help it if 'I' stutter, I think 'I' should be stuttering. Kind of irony there.

Also, I think you should expand a bit on the part leading up to when he told 'me' who he is. In between 'What is it with you and stuttering?' and 'you gasp.' The ending is great, though.

Yeah. A short review for a short (but great) piece. Really showed the emotion - just try to flesh the ending a bit.

PM me with questions. Stupid migraine is affecting my critiquing skills. ;P

~JFW1415

EDIT: Gold star. Also, I'm in love with your avvie. ;P

Is she talking to herself? Its really good but to me it makes me think she is talking to her self. This really hits the reader.