Yearning

Her hair. Her smile. Hell, even her smell. He was addicted to her. Every second of every day he longed to be with her, ached to have his hands on her, to wrap his arm around her waist and pull her close to him, to bury his face into her beautiful, long, mahogany hair.

Her skin was the softest he’d ever stroked, her hands fit perfectly into his, her head fit perfectly into the crook of his neck. He could never quite push her from his thoughts. His friends said he was going crazy and that he needed to stop talking to her, so he instead stopped talking to them.

Melissa was perfect for him. He would always believe that. Her silvery laugh that wrapped itself around him, cocooning him like a blanket, warming his every cell and purifying him, was more than words could describe. He truly felt safe around her. He would always trust her with his heart. Always.

She drifted through his thoughts once more as a sob broke through his body; tore through his soul.

Jason pulled over his ’48 Ford pickup truck and stepped out into the pouring rain, umbrella-less and shivering. Slowly he walked across the soggy ground, his boots making dull squish noises as they sunk into the mossy soil.

He stepped in front of the small marker and, as if it were a trigger, his woebegone body sunk to the ground as sobs ripped from his chest.

Melissa DeMarco, the stone read. May you rest in peace.

Jason used all his strength and uncurled his hand from the bouquet of flowers he had in his hand.

Every day he longed to be with her, ached to have his hands on her, to wrap his arm around her waist and pull her close to him, to bury his face into her beautiful, long, mahogany hair. Every day he reminded himself that he wouldn’t see her again. But that didn’t stop him from wishing. He would always wish to be with her. He would every day until he died. Then, and finally then, he would be able to see his Melissa again.

Rest in peace, he whispered. I love you.

Author's Note: Does anyone actually do Author's Notes on here, or is that just on Fanfiction.net? I'm new here, if you can't already tell! This is my first post, I'm aware it's really short, but I really hope you enjoyed it. I'm looking forward to a long time here on YWS! -Aliyah Jones

Welcome to the site! Hope you enjoy it here- it's quite a remarkable place.


This was a great piece.
You used the emotion very well, and I love how you made it seem like a love story at first, only to have it degenerate into a story in which she had died. Excellent.
I would think about incorporating more memory into it- at times, it sounded almost like a one-sided relationship, like he loved her and she didn't love him back. I would make the feelings seem more mutual, describe their love more, and delve into the past they shared together. Having said that, this was, again, very good.

Wonderfully written.
(And don't worry about the length- I too tend to write really short short stories. I just write until I'm satisfied, and then stop.)



Great job!

-Coral-

Hello, welcome to YWS.

I: Nitpicks.

Melissa was perfect from for him.

Alright so a little mishap here. I was starting to think that there would be no mistakes but I caught this one up. Instead of writing for, you said from. Maybe you intended this but to be honest, it just sounds conjucted. To me, this sounds a lot better and it really gives the sentence rythm.

She drifted through his thoughts once more as a sob broke through his body; tore through his soul.

As these both sound some what like two sentences, I suggest instead of placing in a commar, you use a semi-colon. This makes it easier to read and also makes two different sentences into one without making it sound confusing.

Every day he longed to be with her, ached to have his hands on her, to wrap his arm around her waist and pull her close to him, to bury his face into her beautiful, long, mahogany hair.

Now I know for sure that this was supposed to be placed in here to add effect, but it just sounds repetitive. Just get rid of it, or change it into something different. Trust me, it'll sound a lot better!

II: Plot.

In all intense purposes, I have nothing bad to say about the plot but that is only because it is short. But nonetheless, you really have a way with words. I was captivated! My only reccomendation is that you don't keep your stories this short in the future. Ooh and explain your MC (main characters) a little bit better. Those are the things you may have to work on, but then I haven't read any other stories that you've written. They could be Ace and I wouldn't even know.

III: Overall.

A great piece.

Keep writing!

Hey, welcome to YWS Aliyah,
I found your piece interesting, it went from a happy love story to the death of the MC's love; it flowed well.
I was captivated, even though the length was a tad short, but never mind that because it was beautifully written.

She drifted through his thoughts once more as a sob broke through his body; tore through his soul.

The only thing i have to say that is at all nitpicky is.. that you can use semi-colans to join sentences together. I know Apple aready said that but i thought it was an important thing to say.

Anyway, keep writing.
Love Georgiexx

Thank you guys so much! I edited it and fixed all the grammatical errors. (Another question, are these used as Forums or are replies just reviews? Sorry to be such a newbie, just don't want to mess up as soon as I get on here! Thanks in advance!)

Hello Aliyah!

I'm here to review as requested.

This sort of thing isn't really my cup of punch. It's not that I mind romance or death, it's just that I feel that something vital is missing from this. I think it might be the fact that there's no sense of time, place or context until the very end. I realize this was probably intentional, but I feel like you need something to ground this piece. Describe what's going in the car or on the road while he's thinking this. Is the road eerily quiet, or obscenely loud? Nothing long-winded, just a sentence or two.

I feel like I'm drowning in a lot of emotional words. In fact, I felt this was too smooth in places; too "prosey". You're telling us a story about a man who lost the love of his life. It needs a bit more of a rough edge; even if it's not from his point of view.

Maybe even try a little bit of unconventionality. Like, instead of bringing her flowers, he brings her favorite book. I've seen the "bringing flowers to the gravesite" scene unfold too many times. Maybe the gravestone could say something that gives us a little more info about Melissa.

That being said, it was good. Your imagery of Melissa was great. I can almost picture her, but she's still abstract and I like that. You definitely have a way with words

Write On!
Lette

Hello there.

Welcome to YWS! hope you like it.
First off, I really liked your short story, yes it's short, but isn't what a short story's supposed to be?


The only thing that bothered me was the repeating of a couple of sentences at the end... Like Apple here already mentioned. I don't know if you meant it like that, or it was just a coincidence. Either way, I think you should just reform the sentences so it doesn't repeat the same thing.

Every day he longed to be with her, ached to have his hands on her, to wrap his arm around her frail body waist and pull her close to him, to feel her cool hands pressing against his, to bury his face nose into her beautiful, locks long, mahogany hair.

Okay, this is just an example, you don't have to use my sentence. But it was just to show you that you can still have the same idea and just use synonyms or change your sentences a little bit so it's not too repetitive.

Keep on writing, i really liked it!

-Other One