Peanut Butter

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Unedited. It's hot man, I can't sleep. This is what happens when that is the situation.

~
Tucker was straining to get in the house by the time I stepped onto the front walk.

It was hot out. My hair felt disgusting, sticking to my neck like spider-silk. I put it up as soon as I was in safe in the house, which was just as hot as outside because we didn’t have air conditioning.

The plumber’s truck squatted in the driveway. It looked like a plumber, that truck.

Tucker ran madly to the back of the house as soon as I unclipped his leash, pausing in the kitchen to bark wildly at what was probably something like an out of place spoon. Tucker was a control freak.

I could hear the plumber upstairs, working on our toilet. I shared a bathroom with my younger sister and younger brother. “I don’t care what the toilet looks like or if it flushes too loud,” my mother had said, even though it wasn’t her toilet or her bathroom. “As longs as it’s functional and cheap.”

Whisps of hair were already falling out of the bun sitting on top of my head. My favorite peach tank top clung to my skin like Saran wrap, hiding the ribs that you’d otherwise see clearly.

I heard our pantry door click open. “El?” I called, thinking it was my younger sister getting Oreos. When there was no response, I paused outside the kitchen door, listening. Someone was talking to Tucker. A man was talking to Tucker. The plumber was upstairs, I knew. I could hear him swearing. This plumber had been to our house before, and he had one of those distinct voices that you never forgot.

But someone was talking to Talker.

I pushed the kitchen door open slowly, a little worried.

A boy was standing in front of the pantry door, looking down at Tucker, who was sitting obediently. The boy had a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a spoon in the other. The end of said spoon was covered with a large chunk of our chucky peanut butter, and the boy had just gotten it into his mouth, when he caught sight of me standing in the doorway in my tank top and shorts that were borderline daisy dukes.

“Hi,” I said, slightly bemused. “Watcha… watcha doin’?”

He took the spoon slowly out of his mouth and gulped. Then he caught sight of my smirk and grinned, widely.

“My dad is upstairs, fixing your toilet,” he said. “I was hungry. Your dog is cute. What’s his name?”

“Tucker,” I said, moving across the kitchen floor to lean on the counter, facing him.

“I’m Oliver,” he said, eyeing his spoonful of peanut butter. “Hey, do you mind if I eat this?”

I shook my head.

He watched me the whole time he was eating that peanut butter. He had gray eyes and dark brown, thick and long hair. He must have been around my age, if not the same.

“You’re beautiful,” he said when the spoon was finally clean.

I didn’t say anything. My heart was fluttering uncharacteristically.

He opened the dishwasher and put the spoon in, then turned to put the peanut butter back into the pantry. The heat pressed on my shoulders until I felt like melting into the kitchen tile. When he turned back to face me, his eyes were refreshingly cool.

He walked towards me slowly, his bare feet sticky on the tile.

“It’s really hot,” I said, my voice not quite fast enough for my mouth, so the words came out hoarse.

He grinned and put his hand on my waist. “Yeah, it’s pretty hot.”

“It’s um, at least 100 degrees, did you know that?” I said stupidly, avoiding his gaze as he put his other hand on my other waist.

“Is it really?” He asked, rubbing his thumbs simultaneously up and down my sides without moving his hands.

I gulped. “Yeah.”

He nodded. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

I looked up at him finally, his whole face was smiling. Our lips met like two sideways crescent moons, like big goofy clown smiles or toy vampire lips without the teeth.

~

<3
Happy first hot week of the summer, for all y'all on the east coast. Woot!
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.




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Hey Drawers!

So, this was interesting. I'm going to leave the grammar and line by line nitpicking to the professionals.

I love the description of Tucker. A control freak dog equals awesomesauce. Although, initially, I kind of liked Oliver, I found myself feeling rather indifferent towards him at the end. He's too forward for my liking. If you had implied that Oliver and your main character had some kind of preexisting relationship, my opinion of Oliver would improve dramatically.

I also find myself not liking your main character (What's her name by the way?) because if a boy I had known for all of two minutes ever attempted to kiss me, he would find himself in a sad state. Of course, that's just me.

I felt that Tucker was the star of this short story, by far the most memorable character. I would love to read more about him :)

Overall, the writing was good, but the characters and/or the back story need some work. With a little more expansion, this has the potential to be pretty good.

Write On!
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Hey there, Drawers, this is Seraph. :D

I put it up as soon as I was in safe in the house,

The bold can be deleted. ;)

The plumber’s truck squatted in the driveway. It looked like a plumber, that truck.

This sounds incomplete. Some thoughts from the MC would be great. :)

But someone was talking to Talker.

'Tis Tucker. ;)
A boy was standing in front of the pantry door, looking down at Tucker, who was sitting obediently.

Earlier you described this person as a "man." Just need a little clarification, such as "oh, he's not as old as I thought he would be..." etc. ;)


he boy had a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a spoon in the other. The end of said spoon was covered with a large chunk of our chucky peanut butter, and the boy had just gotten it into his mouth, when he caught sight of me standing in the doorway in my tank top and shorts that were borderline daisy dukes.


This just didn't sit right with me. I mean, your MC's reaction to this sounds very unnatural. Think about it: this random guy just took some of her food without asking, and doesn't apologize or explain or anything. We need a reason for her to react the way she does.

“You’re beautiful,” he said when the spoon was finally clean.

Captain obvious. :smt040 Sometimes that's fun to read. Just have to be careful with it. :D

He grinned and put his hand on my waist. “Yeah, it’s pretty hot.”

“It’s um, at least 100 degrees, did you know that?” I said stupidly, avoiding his gaze as he put his other hand on my other waist.

“Is it really?” He asked, rubbing his thumbs simultaneously up and down my sides without moving his hands.

I gulped. “Yeah.”

He nodded. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

I looked up at him finally, his whole face was smiling. Our lips met like two sideways crescent moons, like big goofy clown smiles or toy vampire lips without the teeth.


:smt107
I know you want to ad something romantic, but this is way, way too much too fast. Again, we need reasons- good reasons for things like this to happen. Personally, I think it would be amusing if your MC's imagination ran away with her, i.e., she imagines this situation with this cute guy, then comes back to reality when he's like "you're peanut butter is good," or something. :D
Suggestions... the beginning sounded a little disjointed, but got better up until the last conversation. Read through your work when you feel you're at a good stopping point before posting, and you'll be able to see how it flows. Read out loud if you need to. :D Feel free to PM me if you need anything. :D :D :D

*Seraph*
:smt051
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Hi I think you mean Tucker
[quote]But someone was talking to Talker.[/quote]

The rest of the story was superb. I really enjoyed it. You really do well with "Show don't Tell"
You story captures the reader getting them involved in your story.
Can't wait to read more.

SimonCowellLuver (SCL) :D
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2. you just tried it
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Well hello there, seems its me again. ;) I'm trying out a new way of reviewing stories, you're my test subject. Aren't you lucky.

Red - Mistakes
Green - Corrections
Purple - Parts I Liked
Pink - Suggestions

So guess what, I really liked it. No surprise there!

Drawers wrote:
~
Tucker was straining to get in the house by the time I stepped onto the front walk/garden path.

It was hot out. My hair felt disgusting, sticking to my neck like spider-silk. I put it up as soon as I was in safe in the house, which was just as hot as outside because we didn’t have air conditioning.

The plumber’s truck squatted in the driveway. It even looked like a plumber, that truck.

Tucker ran madly to the back of the house as soon as I unclipped his leash, pausing in the kitchen to bark wildly at what was probably something like an out of place spoon. Tucker was a control freak.

Agreeing with ScarletteRose, I love the idea of a control freak dog.

I could hear the plumber upstairs, working on our toilet. I shared a bathroom with my younger sister and younger brother. “I don’t care what the toilet looks like or if it flushes too loud,” my mother had said, even though it wasn’t her toilet or her bathroom. “As longs as it’s functional and cheap.”

I love how you added in a sentence from the characters mother, effortlessly adding in detail in such a subtle and interesting way!

WhispsWisps of brown/blonde/black/red hair were already falling out of the bun sitting on top of my head. My favorite peach tank top clung to my skin like Saran wrap, hiding the ribs that you’d otherwise see clearly.

Again, nice subtle description here.

I heard our pantry door click open. “El?” I called, thinking it was my younger sister getting Oreos. When there was no response, I paused outside the kitchen door, listening. Someone was talking to Tucker. A man was talking to Tucker. The plumber was upstairs, I knew. I could hear him swearing. This plumber had been to our house before, and he had one of those distinct voices that you never forgot.

But someone was talking to Talker/Tucker.

I pushed the kitchen door open slowly, a little worried.

A boy was standing in front of the pantry door, looking down at Tucker, who was sitting obediently. The boy had a jar of peanut butter in one hand and a spoon in the other. The end of said spoon was covered with a large chunk of our chucky(?) peanut butter, and the boy had just gotten it into his mouth, when he caught sight of me standing in the doorway in my tank top and shorts that were borderline daisy dukes/I realised I maybe should of worn a longer pair of shorts.

“Hi,” I said, slightly bemused. “Watcha… watcha doin’?”

He took the spoon slowly out of his mouth and gulped. Then he caught sight of my smirk and grinned,/no need for the comma here widely.

“My dad is upstairs, fixing your toilet,” he said. “I was hungry. Your dog is cute. What’s his name?”

“Tucker,” I said, moving across the kitchen floor to lean on the counter, facing him.

“I’m Oliver,” he said, eyeing his spoonful of peanut butter. “Hey, do you mind if I eat this?”

Not sure why, but this line made me smile.

I shook my head.

He watched me the whole time he was eating that peanut butter. He had gray eyes and dark brown, thick and long hair/thick hair that fell way past his shoulders. He must have been around my age, if not the same.

“You’re beautiful,” he said when the spoon was finally clean.

I didn’t say anything. My heart was fluttering uncharacteristically.

He opened the dishwasher and put the spoon in, then turned to put the peanut butter back into the pantry. The heat pressed on my shoulders until I felt like melting into the kitchen tile. When he turned back to face me, his eyes were refreshingly cool.

A very nicely put together bit of description.

He walked towards me slowly, his bare feet sticky on the tile.

“It’s really hot,” I said, my voice not quite fast enough for my mouth, so the words came out hoarse.

He grinned and put his hand on my waist. “Yeah, it’s pretty hot.”

“It’s um, at least 100 degrees, did you know that?” I said stupidly, avoiding his gaze as he put his other hand on my other waist.

“Is it really?” He asked, rubbing his thumbs simultaneously up and down my sides without moving his hands.

I gulped. “Yeah.”

He nodded. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

And who said chivalry was dead!?

I looked up at him finally, his whole face was smiling. Our lips met like two sideways crescent moons, like big goofy clown smiles or toy vampire lips without the teeth.


Hope this helped, it took me forever! So I hope you appreciate it. ;)

xo
"If you want to be a writer, you must do two things above all others: read a lot and write a lot. There's no way around these two things that I'm aware of, no shortcut." - Stephen King.

EDDiE. :]

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I live on the east coast and the heat has been brutal, I sympathize completely. I really liked this as a little short story.

Tucker was a control freak

That made me laugh.

One nitpick, it's unclear how old the boy is (until you say that he is about your age). Perhaps introduce his age immediately. When I hear boy eating peanut butter, I think of a younger kid.

It's kinda random that he just stands up and kisses her but what the hey, its a good story.

And lastly I had a dream two nights ago that this random guy I don't know came up and said "I'm going to kiss you now" so I find that kinda funny :)
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Hey Drawers!
I hear you on this east coast heat, gosh that's why I'm inside reviewing! Nice story you have here (: It's cute, but I have a few things I wanna point out.

A man was talking to Tucker. The plumber was upstairs, I knew. I could hear him swearing. This plumber had been to our house before, and he had one of those distinct voices that you never forgot.

But someone was talking to Talker.

I pushed the kitchen door open slowly, a little worried.

You need more emotion in this! Is the MC fearful? I think she would be if she heard an unrecognizable man's voice in her kitchen! I would be a little more than worried. I suggest describing something along the lines of her mind racing with thoughts about who this could be, why he was here, etc.

“It’s really hot,” I said, my voice not quite fast enough for my mouth, so the words came out hoarse.

He grinned and put his hand on my waist. “Yeah, it’s pretty hot.”

How did she feel when he put his hand on her waist!?! Elaborate more

I gulped. “Yeah.”

He nodded. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

You should really create a build up before you have the two of them kiss. Like beef up the scene with cute little things like the MC thoughts, or maybe something about Tucker, etc. Don't just have them go all into it.

PM me if you have any questions!
-SodapopLunchbox
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I really liked this. And I loved how the boy asked to eat the peanut butter after he got it out. Wahaha. Story of my life.
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I'd your story up to "your beautiful." You have to be a little more realistic. Most guys don't just go up to a random girl and tell her she's beautiful. And there wasn't a name for your main character, that took away from your story. Along with the fact that your main character didn't show much emotion. Your setting was good, the way the two meant was good, over all your only missing a few things. keep writing!

Sierra :mrgreen:
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HAHA. I liked it. Like what others said, I liked it up to the part when the boy said, "You're beautiful."
After that...well...it was too fast. I mean, who would want to kiss a boy you've only met for a few minutes?
I know the MC was supposed to like him and find him attractive. But honestly, even if I did meet a gorgeous guy that I wouldn't probably meet for the next hundred years, I still wouldn't kiss him after a few minutes. ROFL.

Anyway, I like Tucker. I like Tucker better than the MC.

You're pretty good. So, this is what the heat does to your brain? HAHA. You should be in the sauna bath everyday. I like the way you write.

Keep writing, okay?

-KAT <3
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Hey,
First off i just wanted to tell you how much i loved your characters. I know others have said that Oliver was a bit up front, but i think thats what makes him such a great character from my point of view. If you happen to write anymore on this story, i advise you to keep Oliver as the spare of the moment decision maker, keep him spontanious.

Also, i loved the description of Tucker- very lovable, a big star of this story as it seems.

Just make sure the spelling/grammar is correct.

Lastly, your a great writter, kept my attenion(which is something not easy to do).
Keep writing,
Love Georgie xxXXxx
Today im happier than a bird with a french fry ;)




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Hey!, first of all, i love your story! it was short, it was funny , and it was amazing!
Your characters are great, and the plot was simply sweet (: !
keep on writing! :D

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and I sure won't budge when the earth does shake
when the flood comes up, I will dance in the rain
'cause it's all the same to me



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