Speechless

This is for jDawn's Inspiration contest. It's based (loosely) off the song Speechless by Lady Gaga. It's very short, and I think it's a little too cliche. Any suggestions on how to make it longer? Should it stay this length? How can I make it better? Please rip it to shreds.

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"I know it doesn't matter what I say anymore, I know you're leaving me, but please, just don't leave like this, not when you're this drunk. It's not safe." I stared at him, wanting to grab his too-long hair and hold him back.

"Don't sweat it, babe. I'll be fine." He took a lighter from the pocket of his vodka-stained skinny jeans and lit his cigarette. His speech was slurred, his laugh crazed.

Was this all a joke to him?


Biting my lip, I raised my bottle of vodka, tried to whisper, "This one's for you," but when the words didn't come I settled for taking a long gulp instead. Some dribbled onto my chin, mixing with my tears.

A single crack echoed through the night as the bottle hit the ground.


For a long time, I stood there and cried, and he stood there and laughed. Two girls came up and took each of his arms, the arms that I should have been holding on to, that should have been holding on to me. I stared as he walked out of the bar, asking only, "Please?"

Between giggles and drags, he managed to repeat, "I'll be fine."


I fell to the ground. Glass dug into my knees and the vodka stung the cuts. I'll be fine, I mouthed, unable to manage saying the words aloud.

Moonlight glinted off a shard of glass and flashed on the gravestone.


A few minutes later, a horrible sound echoed outside the bar. Horns blared, tires screeched, and metal crunched. "No," I whispered. "No!" Sobbing, I ran outside as fast as I could.

The other car had hit the passenger's side of his head-on. He was sitting in the driver's seat of our old van. Blood covered one side of his face and most of his body. He looked at me with his James Dean glossy eyes, clearly in pain, and said he was sorry he'd wanted to separate. Sorry he'd ignored me and driven anyway. Sorry for everything. With his last breath he smiled faintly and said, "Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be fine."

I knelt there speechless until someone dragged me away.


The stone felt cool against my wet cheeks. "You always lied." A car horn from the nearby freeway drowned out my whisper, and I felt all too speechless once again.

Hey,
Very well written. Loved that the song fits in nicely with the story. Okay so i dont have much that i found wrong with it.

"Don't do this. You know it's a bad idea." I stared at him, wanting to grab his too-long hair and hold him back.

At first i didnt understand what they were talking about. That may have been what you were aiming for but i found it a bit confusing, maybe you could add- "He looked at me with his James Dean glassy eyes, jingling his keys pointaby in front of me." ....i addded the James Dean glassy eyes, seeing as its in the song- but if you dont like it, dont add it.

Also i found that the setting was a tad jumpy. but that could just be the way im reading it.

Anyway, i loved it. If you need anything, feel free to PM me.
Georgiexx

Hey, very nice. I'm sorry I don't know the song that goes with it. But I did kinda get the flow of it. I think you coulf have done a little bit more to explain exactly what was going on, the conflict seemed very down played until the end. I also think that you did a great job hinting but not really giving away what was going to happen; very mysterious. What help you make it longer would be explaining the guys wounds and how he died exactly. And by helping the reader visualize the scene better; don't be afraid to get into detail after detail after detail. I can give you more advice if you get stuck. =) Just PM me anytime.
Proceed your creativity---ASH

All right, here's my review.

He took a lighter from the pocket of his vodka-stained skinny jeans and lights his cigarette.

There's a tense jump there. It goes from past to present in the same sentence, so it's a little confusing. Some simple editing will fix that right up.

I don't see any other specific grammar mistakes, which is a very good thing, though I have to agree with ASH1397 in that you need to explain how he died. I had to reread it to figure out exactly what had happened, because there wasn't really a clear reason as to why he had died.

Sorry if that came off as harsh, but overall it was a good story that went along well with the song.

-AliyahJones

Thank you all for commenting!

@Georgiexx: I'll definitely try to expand on the first sentence a little and add the James Dean glossy eyes thing. ^^
@ASH1397: I'll definitely try to better explain how he died. I knew I was being too vague at that part but I'm really horrible with that type of scene.
@Aliyah Jones: Thanks for catching the tense change! I'll change it right away! As I said above, I'll try to explain how he died. It didn't come off as harsh at all; it was really helpful. ^^

Thanks again for reviewing! I really appreciate it, and I'm sorry I didn't reply sooner; I've been swamped with homework lately.