midnight chapter one

Hey guy! After a over all good out come with a taster, I decided to go ahead and write the full length story. Hear it go's comments are welcome!!!

I stood there, waiting, waiting for something I had yet to find out my self. I just knew that I wasn't in reality; Well the pink penguin sat in the corner told me that. I heard the foot falls before I saw the person, but my natural reaction was to cower away from him. I felt a cool hand placed on my shoulder and I jumped and shrieked, It felt as though every one turned around to look even though some one in my subconscious mind I knew I had took something, took something and broke the biggest promise I had ever made. God my life sucks.

So there I was, running down the street. It's half past eleven and I was meant to be in almost two hours ago, I stopped to catch my breath and cringed at the thought of what my mum was going to say. I started to pick up the pace all the time thinking -well I'm going to be late any way and no doubt I'll be grounded so why the bloody hell am I running?[ with a big puff of air, I slowed down o a walk. I took in everything around me, the houses still as one on an abandoned movie set , I looked up at the night sky, it was a beautiful sight. You know, if you pay enough attention to the stars you can almost see them smiling at you. No, I'm not high-well, may be a little hehe if you're wondering, but I was majorly creeping myself out, I thought about the neighborhood I was forced to live with. Private residential- never no trouble, come to think of it nothing ever happens hear, I started to think about the movies that were on, and the news reports; well it's true that all the serial killers and rapist come out to play in these small peaceful residential areas. I felt a shiver up my spine that sent me running down the hill at top speed, lungs aching I said, "I could do with a really hot guy escorting me home right now!" and then shut my mouth quickly because I sounded mad.

I quietly walked down the garden path, hoping, that because the lights were off that mum would think I was sleeping at a friends house. But as I heard the key rattling in the door I immediately knew this wasn't the case, and that I as in for a good old tattling from mum...aw shit! I took in a deep breath and opened the door to a furious woman with her hand on hips. Oh how I love been teenager...

Aw man! I muttered, Hood up, music blaring out of my head phones. I must have looked like a total common girl, aha- I was begging to sound more like my mum every day, ouch, not a pretty thought hehe. I thought about the argument about lat night. and the punishment I had received. Yeah, I know I deserve It, well, the grounded part yeah, but since when has dog walking become something I have to do! I was under the impression mum paid for the maid to do it. I had to now, walk the dog twice a day every day for two whole weeks! I heard the dog woof and I looked up to tell it to shut up, but instead of another German Shepard, I saw the most beautiful guy i had ever seen petting my dog. I looked at him, and he looked back a little embarrassed. "Hey. nice dog you have hear, i couldn't resist a Pet " He said, his voice was like a mix between strawberries and cream and music- irresistible.
"Ah, no worries, you new around hear?" I said, my voice confident and a little flirtatious as usual.
"Yeah, folks just bought the shop." He nodded towards the shop I do a park time in. I smiled a little.
"I do a park time job there." I said, an ounce of excitement what he seemed to pick up on in my voice.
"Sw-eet. I could do with some company, what days?" he said sounding hopeful. with a smile i said:
"Mondays. wednesdays, Sundays. and today." His lips, which by the way looked perfect. tugged into a smile. "I'll see you there then."
"Sure will. i have to go now, so, see you about six." I said and with a wink I walked away.

I think the biggest issue with this is that you switch tenses a lot. You mostly stay in past tense so I'm guessing that's what this story is supposed to be in, however there are instances where you say "It's half past eleven", which would be the present tense. Even though after that you're talking about things that happened even further in the past (the MC was supposed to be somewhere before they actually were) you still need to use past tense for everything in narration if past tense is what you're going to use.

Thanks.

First off, this should be rated at LEAST 12 years for swearing. I'd give it sixteen though. Anyway, interesting story, the only flaws were grammar, spelling, punctuation, etc. It seems like you might have rushed through this. Don't do that. Always use the spell check option before posting, and try to reread it. So this is just my little grammatical nitpicking:

I stood there, waiting, waiting for something I had yet to find out my_self (Myself is one word). I just knew that I wasn't in reality; Well the pink penguin sat in the corner told me that. I heard the foot falls before I saw the person, but my natural reaction was to cower away from him. I felt a cool hand placed on my shoulder and I jumped and shrieked, It felt as though every one turned around to look even though someone (Someone is also one word) in my subconscious mind I knew I had took (took should be taken) something, took (same here!) something and broke the biggest promise I had ever made. God my life sucks.

So there I was, running down the street. It's half past eleven and I was meant to be in almost two hours ago, I stopped to catch my breath and cringed at the thought of what my mum was going to say. I started to pick up the pace all the time thinking -well I'm going to be late any way and no doubt I'll be grounded so why the bloody hell am I running?[ (random typo) with a big puff of air, I slowed down to a walk. I took in everything around me, the houses still as one on an abandoned movie set_(no space), I looked up at the night sky, it was a beautiful sight. You know, if you pay enough attention to the stars you can almost see them smiling at you. No, I'm not high-well, may be a little hehe if you're wondering, but I was majorly creeping myself out,(This could become a new sentence) I thought about the neighborhood I was forced to live with. Private residential- never no (should be any, it's two negatives and supposedly you shouldn't have two in a sentence, according to my English teacher) trouble, come to think of it nothing ever happens hear (wrong form of "here". You see, the here you're using is the one meaning to listen. A way to tell which is which is with hear, to hear you must use your ears, and ear is part of the word hear.), I started to think about the movies that were on, and the news reports; well it's true that all the serial killers and rapists come out to play in these small peaceful residential areas. I felt a shiver (try a verb here, like crawl, or travel, etc. Just give the shiver some motion.) up my spine that sent me running down the hill at top speed, lungs aching I said, "I could do with a really hot guy escorting me home right now!" and then shut my mouth quickly because I sounded mad.

I quietly walked down the garden path, hoping, that because the lights were off that mum would think I was sleeping at a friend's house. But as I heard the key rattling in the door I immediately knew this wasn't the case, and that I as in for a good old tattling from mum...aw shit! I took in a deep breath and opened the door to a furious woman with her hand on hips. Oh how I love been (shouldn't been be being?) teenager...

"Aw man![color=#FF0000" (if she's speaking, it needs quotations)][/color] I muttered, hood (hood shouldn't be capitalized)up_, music blaring out of my head phones. I must have looked like a total common girl, aha- I was begging (shouldn't begging be beginning?) to sound more like my mum every day, ouch, not a pretty thought hehe. I thought about the argument about last night. (either capitalize the A in and or use a comma instead of the period.) and the punishment I had received. Yeah, I know I deserve It (the i should be lowercase in it), well, the grounded part yeah, but since when has dog walking become something I have to do! I was under the impression mum paid for the maid to do it. I had to now, (no comma) walk the dog twice a day every day for two whole weeks! I heard the dog woof and I looked up to tell it to shut up, but instead of another German Shepard, I saw the most beautiful guy i (I is a proper noun, always capitalize it when used in this way) had ever seen petting my dog. I looked at him, and he looked back a little embarrassed. "Hey. nice dog you have hear (wrong "here" again.), i couldn't resist a Pet(pet should be lowercase)" He (he after dialogue should be lowercase)said, his voice was like a mix between strawberries and cream and music- irresistible.

"Ah, no worries, you new around hear (wrong "here")?" I said, my voice confident and a little flirtatious as usual.

"Yeah, folks just bought the shop." He nodded towards the shop I do a park time in. I smiled a little.

"I do a park time job there." I said, an ounce of excitement what he seemed to pick up on in my voice.

"Sw-eet. I could do with some company, what days?" he said sounding hopeful. with a smile i said:

"Mondays. wednesdays, Sundays. and today." His lips, which by the way looked perfect. tugged into a smile. "I'll see you there then."

"Sure will. i have to go now, so, see you about six." I said and with a wink I walked away.

Hey there!

One big thing I noticed about this piece was the amount of typos, which meggwrites kindly picked up for you, but you should learn to read over your works before posting them. Small typos like that should be easy to catch, or at least shouldn't be this great in a piece. Being able to read over your own work and catch errors is a good skill to have, so practice it.

Now, onto the content! I really don't know what to say. I couldn't tell what you were writing about? I started getting confused and spaced out midparagraph. I know how terrible that sounds. I tried to stay interested!

I think the problem is that you don't know what you're writing about. You don't know what your purpose is. So you just write about anything that comes to mind. For example, your second paragraph wanders off about the neighborhood and everything. But is that important to this chapter, right now? Does it matter, at all? One important aspect about writing is that everything you write should have a purpose and a reason for being written, otherwise it can verge on nonsense and will be difficult to read.

I think you should consider what you're trying to do with this. What is your purpose? Think about the plot. What is the conflict? What does your main character want? Where is a good place to begin? Who do you need to introduce? So it doesn't seem so wild and jumpy like it is right now. Pick up your favorite book and read the first chapter. You'll see that everything is well together and purposeful, and that's the same thing you want to do.

I hope this review helps! If you have any questions feel free to PM me or post on my wall.