A/N: Partically true story. Written in despration
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I stand on the edge.
It's such a long way down.
I can feel the wind caressing my face, running it's ringers through my hair. The ocean waves far below call to me. I can feel my body leaning forward, rolling over on my toes; the rock beneath my feet is hard and cold. Just like his body buried six feet under now.
I hear my so-called friends chatting behind me, enjoying the warmth of the fire. Enjoying it! How dare they! He was their friend too! His funeral was only three days ago! Yet, here they sit, talking and enjoying themselves just as if he were still here.
But he isn't!
I feel tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat, my shoulders shake, and I tip forward more, looking down on the black waves. It was usually now that I would feel warm arms around my shoulders, and a velvet voice whispering that everything would be alright…that he'd always be here for me. I would feel his heart beat against my back as I lean into him, enjoying the warmth and the love that flows off him like water.
But no. Not this time. Not now. Not ever. He was dead.
My heart beats out of habit, not out of need anymore. The only person that I cared and lived for isn't on this Earth any longer, he has abandoned me--No! God took him from me! He was seventeen! No one should die at seventeen!! I feel a hole in my chest…a deep, dark, sad coldness that was once filled with love. What do I have to live for anymore? I ask my self this every minute of every day now that he's gone.
I have nothing.
I feel my foot inching forward. It's easy, just like walking. My bare toes peek over the edge, the rocks are even colder now.
"Hey! What are you doing?" I hear a voice call to me. It's Mike, the only other one who seemed to be upset that he's gone.
I ignore him. He doesn't care as much as I do. He will go on living his life as if nothing happened. He will amount to something: football star, big executive of some amazing company, something great.
Not me. I will never amount to anything anymore. My life is worthless now. One of my feet touches air now, and I balance precariously on the edge of the cliff.
"NO! Vanessa! STOP!"
"Get back, it's not safe!"
Only words. Only voices. I see the ocean falling up to me. No, wait. 'm falling to it. The crisp, salty ocean breeze slaps me in the face as I fall, and I smile, thinking that I will be with him soon.
Suddenly, I feel warm arms wrap around me, and my falling slows. I am very confused now. I can still hear Mike and the others screaming for me from the top of the cliff. No one would dare jump with me. But…the warm arms…
"It's alright, I'm here for you."
My heart skips a beat; I quit breathing. Time slows down for me. It's him, holding me in his arms as I fall. My mind races; I try to come up with a rational explanation. Many things go through my mind: he's come back, he was never really dead. But, no, I think not. That's not possible. My only explanation now is that he has come to collect my soul from the water. Leave my broken body floating in the ocean and take my soul away with him. I smile and only wish the ocean would come faster.
My wish comes true; fast and cold and hard. I feel bones break, but I don't know which because all over I feel pain. It's mid winter and the ocean is freezing cold. Knives stab me all over, thousands of knives buried deep.
Where is my angel now!? I look up through the salty water and see him standing above me, looking very sad and pained.
That's wrong…an angel shouldn't be in pain, nor should he be sad. I try to ask what's wrong, but the ocean water flows in my mouth and into my lungs, I can feel the weight of the water pulling me down now. I look up to try and find my angel, but he's gone.
No! Where did he go! My mind screams. I am scared now, not knowing what hapened. What if I don't die? I have upset him now; what if he doesn't love me anymore?!
My body is numb, but I still feel the knives which have turned to dull jabs of a needle on my skin. I can't move…I can't breathe.
I am going to die, and I'm happy with that. I will see my love soon.
But, yet again, I am surrounded. The pain stops; and, instead of feeling the weight of the water both outside and inside my body, I am being pulled up. I look around, or try to, I can't move, but I see feminine hands on one arm, and I feel the strong, firm pull of him on my other side. Who is helping him?
We break the surface of the ocean, dangerously close to one of the sharp rocks. I can barely move my head as I am dragged against the current to the shore by my two guardian angels: my love, and my mother. She had died when I was only seven, but I have missed her. I tried to smile, but I don't know if I succeeded, my face was numb, and I couldn't feel it. I must have because my mother smiled back, a heart warming smile that almost brought the feeling back to my body. She smelled of the home made desserts she used to bake. That was always my favorite part of her. She always smelled so sweet; I guess it followed her in the afterlife.
I felt the rough grains of sand under me now as they sat me on the small beach at least a mile from the cliff. I choked and coughed up the water onto the sand then sat up, and looked around. They both smiled at me, but my mother kissed my cheek and stood.
"Please do not try something so silly again," she told me, laughing almost. "You have much to do in your life; God has plans for you." She ran her hand over my hair, smiled once more then dissolved in a warm, golden light while I stared open mouthed after her. I looked over to him, expecting to see him smiling at me as my mother had, but he still had that same sad expression on his face.
"That was stupid," he told me simply, his voice tight. I felt horrible instantly, and I shrank away from him. He must have noticed because he put his arms around me and pulled me against his chest. I broke down immediately and started crying into his chest.
"I'm so sorry, Joseph!" I sob, clinging to him. "But you left! I had nothing to live for…" I could feel him shaking his head even before I was done speaking.
"No, no…Vanessa, baby, you're wrong." He stroked my sopping wet hair and kissed my forehead gently. This is what I wanted to stay like for the rest of eternity. Wrapped in his arms…feeling his love and his gentleness. "Your mother told you, and now I am. God has many amazing plans for you. When he told me, I was amazed." he seemed too shocked for words. "..My baby…my love…" he whispered but would say no more on the subject, even after I asked and asked. He told me that mortals are not to know their fates until God decides it is time.
So I accepted that and held him close. I stared at him, memorizing his features. The curve of his jaw, the glint in his eyes when he smiled. When he moved, I could feel the powerful muscles in his back adjust to hold me closer, trying to keep me warm. He was doing a fine job of that too. Even though it was below fifty, I was as warm as if I was in Hawaii in summer. I was happy.
We sat and spoke of times past, of our memories, the favorite things we did together: sitting in the park, teaching me how to fish. He laughed as we remembered how I squealed when a fish jumped off the hook and landed on my lap. I laughed too, but tears still spilled down my cheeks in salty waves.
After what only seemed like five minutes, I heard voices yelling my name. My heart sped up now, knowing that he was going to leave me. I looked up at him fearfully.
"Please don't go…" I whisper desperately. But he only smiled sweetly and sadly.
"I have to, I am being called back to Heaven. Oh, Vanessa, I can't wait for you to see it. It's absolutely amazing….I'll be waiting for you."
I choked back a sob as he gently kissed my trembling lips and stood up. I reached out to take his hand, to try and keep him here with me.
But he too, disappeared in a halo of light. His fingers slipped through mine, as soft as air, but I heard him whisper as he left, "I am watching over you, I love you."
He was gone.
Just like that.
I stared at the spot where he had stood only a moment before. Not even footprints showed he had existed. A new wave of tears burst from my eyes. He had now left me twice. But I know that he's watching me, I can live again. I smile and think of the past few days: the car crash, the funeral, my depression, attempt at suicide, …my rescuers. I will see them again someday. I know. I have things to do as of now; they both told me so. So I will sit and wait for my friends to find me; they obviously know where I am, for I hear them yelling and rushing towards me, and then I will live happily. I will show God and Joseph and my mother that I am strong, that I will be in Heaven with them when I finally depart from this world.
I stand and turn to my friends as they reach me, shivering and cold now that he is gone; yet, somehow, I am still happy.
His words still ring in my ears,
"I'll be waiting for you."
