A random love story

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Hey. I really liked this. I don't normally read (or write) romance, but I really enjoyed this one.

I do have one little thing to pick at though. In the third last line you said, 'My was heart beating faster, this...' I think you may have wanted to say, 'My heart was beating faster...' But other than that, it was great. I might have a look at some other things I don't usually look at.

Comments, suggestions, and corrections in red.

yuriiko12345 wrote:Those three words… That’s all I have to say.


Just tell her, come on… you might regret it afterwards if you don’t. My instinct started to run from my mind.

My hands and feet were sweating and shaking "so badly" might be a good thing to add here that made it hard for me to breathe in slowly. The sun was setting down and soon, dark clouds covered the warm light. I was slowly goingmoving towards her. I have to say it before it’s too late. I realized my hairs were standing straight from my tanned body.

Knock! Knock!

I was standing across her wooden door. Then, the knob turned and the door slowly opened.

“What’s up, Leo?!” Cammie called my name out loud. I took a big hard swallow and my hands started to shake as I held out to her a bouquet of roses. Anna walked a few steps towards me and I could smell her sweet perfume. She was only wearing her blue sleeveless shirt with her cute navy shorts that made her looked so pretty. Her rosy cheeks and her blue eyes that sparkled under the sunset’s reflection caused my cheeks red and my sweat to perspire even more. Awwe, that was a cute paragraph! I liked his description of Cammie.

“I have to say this…" I paused and exhaled slowly. I stepped in from her small apartment. Her eyes keen on me as I turned and looked down but courage caused me to face her.
Her confused expression started to bug me... I didn't care. First you said it bugged him...then he doesn't care. I think I know what you're trying to say, but it's sort of awkward to read. Maybe something like "But I shook it off" instead of "I didn't care."?

"I like you, Cammie... Do you like me too?” I looked down and my cheeks turned red even more. I’ve been wishing for this moment to finally come. The only sound that ran through my ears was the news reporter on tv, babbling about the increase of the financial crisis. I finally had the courage to look at her. She looked… sad. I saw a tear coming out from her beautiful innocent eyes.

“No.” She muttered and another tear rolled down her cheeks.

Goosebumps started to run from my arms. My heart was beating faster and I could hardly breathe. It was like I was stricken by hundreds of knives and that I could feel the excruciating pain terribly inside me.

“I-I’m sorry… I didn't want this to happen but that’s really h-how I felt—“ , before I could continue my embarrassing stuttered sentence, unexpectedly she placed her index finger against my lips.

“Shh…” She then held my hands and started to look deeply in my eyes. It wasn’t just an ordinary stare. It was like she was telling me something. I saw her sweetest smile appearing and her eyes flickering.

“I don’t just like you, Leo.", she started to laugh a little, then continued, " I love you.” she smiled and I smiled back with contentment. I was feeling something totally indescribable. Happiness filled my soul and mind again. My was heart beating faster, this time it made me feel like jumping for joy. She didn't only like me... but loved me after all.

Before I could say anything, she sealed our lips sweetly with a kiss.

Awwe! That was really, really cute! There are a few phrases here and there that were a little difficult to make sense of and I didn't point out all of them, but if you read it over again I'm sure you can find them.
Overall, this was really cute and I loved the storyline.
Props to you
Thanks for the read!

Awwwww! This was SO cute and romantic!! The storyline was great but it didnt seem very real.
First, he tells this girl he likes her and she cries. This makes sence same with the the no and him stuttering. But "I love you." Really?! You don't say I Love You till you've had a longer relationship. Besides if she really does love him, any boy I know would do something awkard and stupid THEY would kiss HER. not the other way around unless she was some like really popular girl or something.
But don't get me wrong. I LOVED it!!!! That was just a nitpick. Sorry! *sheepish look on face*.
Always a Pleasure,
*sionarama

It was okay I guess but you need work in the description area. The way you worded didn't flow and that's important in writing. If it does not flow then people don't want to read it and you don't want that. You want to grab the readers attention and make it hard for them to look away always wanting to know what is about to happen or could happen. I'm not going to press you on anything else. But please work on the flow of your writing.

Hey yuriko1234. I saw this being on post a lot of times before but then just didn't review it but today I wanted to review something short so just came flying here!

My hands and feet were sweating and shaking, that made it hard for me to breathe in slowly.

I have to say it before it’s too late.

This should be in italics!

“What’s up, Leo?!”

I don;t think its right or even if it is, I don't think it looks good to put three marks together. Two are fine. Remove the exclamatory sign!

She was only wearing her blue sleeveless shirt with her cute navy shorts that made her looked so pretty.

'ed' not needed!

Her eyes keen on me as I turned and looked down, but courage caused me to face her.

The only sound that ran through my ears was the news reporter on T.V, babbling about the increase of financial crisis.

Before I could say anything, she sealed our lips sweetly with a kiss.

Nice ending and the phrase you created!

He loves Cammie and then starts describing after mentioning about Anna. the reader would take it as a description for Anna only though you wrote it for Cammie. I would advice you to italicize 'her' if you want to keep it up his way.

Babymagic rightly said that you need work on the description area. You had to tell us how the road or way looked like whilst he was walking and then how was her home. Also you just told about the dress she wore, the perfume she had on but nothing about how she looked other than the eyes' colour.
I liked how you didn't reveal boy's name.
Overall, it was nice as you described his feelings nicely but not beautifully. You can work on this more and don't consider it final copy. Let me know if I can be of some help.

One question I had: Is this over here?

Flying off for now!

This is nice and cute!