An Affinity with Love

The plot was confusing several people, so just to make things clear- he left her because he didn't think he was good enough, but she thinks he left her because he doesn't love her anymore. So she's looking back on the past.

She sits in her chair, and stares down at her paper. She bites her lip in frustration, and impatiently brushes away a loose hair. She can’t concentrate. She stands up and puts her homework in her book bag. I’ll do it later, she thinks, although the chance of that doesn’t seem likely, she admits to herself.
She walks onto the grounds, and sits on the grass. She pulls out a small, worn book. She opens it and reads a handwritten letter- it appears to be a past diary entry.

Diary,
I can’t stop thinking about him. I still can’t believe how wonderful my luck is. Out of all the possible girls in the world, I’m the one he chooses. I’ve never been more happy, I’m sure of it. I repeat his name in my head over and over-

She puts down her diary, too sad to read his name. Her eyes are filling up with tears, and though she doesn’t know it, someone is watching her every move.
He watches her carefully, his eyes wandering over her. He wonders why she is suddenly so sad.
She looks at the sky, and a bird flies by- the same as her name. She feels as though this is a sign of good luck until a black crow comes up and sits next to the bird. The crow is the exact color of his hair. She stifles a cry of what she had always hoped for.
He sees the birds too, and he thinks about the past.
She takes out her history book- nothing like good, reliable fact to cheer you up, she reasons. No surprises, everything already gone over. She turns to a random page in a chapter that she has already read. No surprises, everything already gone over.
He watches her take out the book, her fingers lightly opening it. He remembers holding her hand.

Diner the Third believed that the empire could be brought down using a simple trick. She took one of her maids and instructed her to go the king of Deree every day with a gift. Diner hoped that the king would be attracted to the maid, and therefore the maid could be a spy inside of the castle. Diner was not to be disappointed. The king fell in love with the maid. Unfortunately for Diner, the maid loved the king dearly and refused to betray him. Diner-

She throws down her book with a strangled sob. Is nothing safe from the thought of him, she wonders, her thoughts sad.
He stands behind a tree, watching her and remembering. Remembering the days where he could be with her without worrying. But things have changed. He shakes the thoughts from his head, and watches what he wants so dearly, but can’t have.
She looks at the ground, not able to look around at anything else, or she will be reminded of him. She pulls out her iPod, thinking at least music can take her away.
He watches her take out the music player, and remembers the times they laughed over the absurd lyrics of some songs.
She turns on what had been their song. She closes her eyes and leans against a tree, remembering the past. It seems fit that she would cry over their song. It seems fit that she should miss him like nobody ever has missed.
He watches her close her eyes and lean against a tree. They had climbed in that tree, he remembers. Maybe that is why she is crying. I miss you too, he thinks. I've never stopped missing you.

This is very cute. I liked the lines and how smoothly your sentences formed... after the first two paragraphs.

Read the first two paragraphs aloud. Do you see how choppy they are? I think the reasons are that
1. you use 'she' as the beginning of the sentences way to many times and
2. the sentences are too short. Try to string them together and use more punctuation than just periods.


I was a bit confused of the transition between the past and the present. At one point she's saying how great it is that he chose her, and the next she's crying because of him. If you clarify the transition, this would be much more fascinating. Instead of enjoying the writing, I was too focused on figuring out if there actually was a transition!

Other than that, this was quite enjoyable, and adorable.

Keep writing!

Classy

Hey, Sun! Cute little oneshot here; very sad. Having said that, I shall go on to the meat of this review. ;D
------

Diary,

I can’t stop thinking about him. I still can’t believe how wonderful my luck is. Out of all the possible girls in the world, I’m the one he chooses. I’ve never been more happy, I’m sure of it. I repeat his name in my head over and over-

Two things here.

One, I'd recommend putting this in italics. It's written down, not what she's saying or what the author is narrating, so we need something to set it apart from the rest of the next. The same applies to the blurb of text from the history book.

Two, where you have the single dash (-, which is actually a hyphen) should be a double dash (--, a full dash), and don't put a space between it and the previous/next words (hi--hello as opposed to hi- hello). If you use MS word, it should automatically make it a solid line.

Lucky for you, I only have one big quibble with the physical writing here. You don't do much to separate your characters' thoughts from the rest of the narration, either using "" or '' or italics. Here's an example:

Is nothing safe from the thought of him, she wonders, her thoughts sad.

I would make it this instead: "Is nothing safe from the thought of him?" she wonders sadly. (Notice I changed the dialogue tag to show rather than tell; we kinda already get the gist that "Is nothing blahblahblah" is somehwhat gloomy, we don't need to be told directly that her thoughts are sad.)

For the most part, though, your grammar, syntax, yadayadayada is fine. This is a great skeleton to work from. But it needs a little more depth. I'm guessing (stress on guessing) that the boy was killed somehow, in a car accident, other accident, whatever. But it doesn't strike me that he's still alive. That's just the impression I got, but it wouldn't make sense for him to miss her when he's still around; it seems to me they were happy together, so...I dunno. xP

I guess what I'm trying to say is, we need a little more about this couple. To me this is screaming "First person!", but it could work incredibly well as you've got it, too. Even skipping between "narrators" as you have it has lots of potential. But you need to get deeper in their heads and maybe explain some of what's happened to get them where they are. We don't even know for sure if the boy is alive or dead, for example.

As for the beginning--I actually like how you start out. It needs a little clean up, but it flows rather nicely; it caught my attention, at least. After the diary entry, though, you could put in so much more information that adds to the depth of the piece, from both PoVs you've got working here. Maybe make breaks between each narrator (like I did at the beginning of my review), which are like the camera jumps in a movie (at least, that's how I see it... >.>).

Ok, I'll stop yammering now. I hope even half of that made sense... *eyes long ramble anxiously*

~Glad

First thought after reading this was one big puppy dog face

I only put elephants because I couldn't find anything that seemed doggy enough. That's not the point though. I did enjoy this piece on the whole. I liked how your lines of though seemed clear and concise, and that it all flowed through my head with relative ease.

What I didn't like about it was how the guy watches her the whole time. That just struck me as a little creepy. I'm going to declare myself a hypocrite right now for saying that, but that's how I feel about how he watches her over the whole story.

It was good though, keep at it!

hiadel

Hi Sunny! Ok, so this was good! A very good base for a story- maybe as a prologue or something? But anyway. I think that it would make a bit more sense if her thoughts were in italics, as well as the diary entry. Also, your punctuation (commas where there should be question marks, in other words) bothered me. The fact that you used consistent present tense (something I could never do) is unusual, but cool. You could definitely continue this under Romantic Novels, methinks.

Overall, very nicely written, intriguing plot.

It was good a little lengthy but other than that it was good I enjoyed reading your work. I can't say I really have anything to comment on. Keep it up this was a well written piece.

This was cute a little short but then again it is a diary entry so I really can't expect it to be long. Oh you might want to add a little description it would only help your writing. Other than that is was good keep it up.