Silly's Little Love Story

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Points 757
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White walls. White sheets. White clothing. Same routine every day. Rather tiresome looking at the same, boring things every day. Trapped in a bed that you aren’t allowed out of. Yet they wonder why I won’t talk. They consider that maybe I simply can’t speak.
The same nurse as always sits next to my bed. She plucks the newspaper from the lamp stand and begins reading. She talks as if I’m a five year old. Says things such as, “Isn’t that amazing?” It gives me half a mind to break my silence and tell the abhorrent woman to shut her trap.
As she goes on about earthquakes and politics, I close my eyes. I miss Thomas. My first and only love. My best friend. I still remember the first time that we met. I was only six and boys were still repulsive, cootie carriers.
I pedaled my bicycle down the street, swerving in and out of the middle of the road. My mom was in the apartment unpacking her few things.
I was exploring my new neighborhood taking in the fresh smell of trees and grass. I saw a boy about my age sitting on his front porch with his head tucked into his knees, sobbing. This struck me as remarkable seeing as how boys aren’t supposed to cry, they aren’t built for that. I dropped my bicycle on the sidewalk, and cautiously tottering towards this boy.
“Why are you crying?” I asked him. “Boys aren’t supposed to cry.”
He looked up at me, his tear streaked face indignant.
whatever we lose, (like a you or a me)
it's always ourselves we find in the sea.
-e.e. cummings




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there isn't really enough to talk about yet but I don't understand the title
Know that she's back in the atmosphere I'm afraid that she'll think of me as a plain old Jain told a story 'bout a man who was to afraid to fly so he never did land. ~Train




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Like the daisiamari said the title doesn't fit the story and I liked where you were going with the first paragraph and all, but then when I came to the ending I was stuck wondering where's the rest of it? I wished it was longer.
"I became insane,with long intervals of horrible insanity."

"Their ideology is that human nature is fundamentally evil.In other words, humans are evil from the day they are born."

"Human is beatiful. Perfect is boring."




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Hello there and Welcome to YWS!

Is this your first submitted work? Well, as what others have stated above, your story didn't fit well with the title. I like the flow from the first paragraph but when I was going to the end, all of a sudden you left it hanging (you understand me?)Anyway,I think it would be better if you continue this.

Keep Writing!

Peace out!
"Life is a poem keep it in the present tense." -Sherrel Wigal




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Points 1761
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It reminds me of 'GardenState'
We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, it's to create something that will.
[Chuck Palahniuk]




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Gender Female
Points 1510
Reviews 37
I agree with the story not being long enough. Why was he crying? What happened next? Why isn't she speaking? The first paragraph did hook me, though.
We all have moments of desperation, but if we face them head on, that's when we find out just how strong we really are. - Mary-Alice Young, Desperate Housewives




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Gender Female
Points 4708
Reviews 33
Hiya!

I think the beginning of this is awesome and very grabbing, but i feel like it should be longer to get a better sense of what's going on =]

As she goes on about earthquakes and politics, I close my eyes. I miss Thomas. My first and only love. My best friend. I still remember the first time that we met. I was only six and boys were still repulsive, cootie carriers.
I pedaled my bicycle down the street, swerving in and out of the middle of the road.

The tense change here isn't very clear - it sounds a bit like she just got out of bed and found a bike. Maybe if you say 'I was pedalling' or 'I had been pedalling' it would be clearer =] Also a paragraph break would help divide the past and present a bit better.

I dropped my bicycle on the sidewalk, and cautiously tottering towards this boy.

Control your tenses, woman. You should add an extra bit on the end ie 'cautiously tottering over, I asked what was wrong' OR just change the tense of tottering to tottered. Otherwise this action is kind of floating around with nothing to anchor it. :D


But overall I really like this - it's intriguing why she's in the ward, and I want to know more about her! She seems a very interesting character through the voice you've given her. Please PM me if you edit this, your writing style is very nice :)
Elizabeth: "There will come a moment when you will have a chance to show it. To do the right thing."
Jack: "I love those moments. I like to wave at them as they pass by."




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Gender Female
Points 6817
Reviews 74
You really have two ideas coninciding with one another....it doesn't make the best of sense. The reader just ends up being confused. At least maybe keep the writer interested while still guessing at what might come after the ending. Why is the character in a hospital and always has a lady talking to her? What's the history between her and Thomas?
Keep on writing!
-Jane
Apple of my soul,
Eats me whole,
Take one bite,
No delight,
Rotting hole.




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Gender Female
Points 3816
Reviews 24
I really enjoyed reading your story. However, it did seem to stop abruptly as if the ending was missing. Also, whenever I think of the title "Silly's Little Love Story" I picture a chick flick. This title just did not fit the story's description. Nevertheless, it was a great piece and I encourage your writing, especially in the romantic area. :)
“Take one fresh and tender kiss
Add one stolen night of bliss
One girl, one boy, some grief,
some joy Memories are made of this.”
Johnny Cash




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Gender Female
Points 1694
Reviews 14
The title doesn't fit the story at all. And i agree, it should be longer. Give readers something to hook themselves on. Explain to us why he was crying and why she loves him. Don't leave us hanging. Not with a short story.
~Cassi
Try smiling in the rain. When you are sad. It's harder than it looks.
~Cassi (me)




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Gender Female
Points 1162
Reviews 21
Hi!

This wasn't too bad! I believe that once you add a little more to it and do some of the things above users have said you chould have a great start! PM once more is up!
"We rest-A dream has power to poison sleep;
We rise-One wandering thought pollutes the day;
We feel, conceive or reason, laugh or weep;
Embrace fond woe, or cast our cares away:"
(Mutability, Shelley)




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Gender Female
Points 940
Reviews 21
I agree..the title doesn't fit the story at all! I think the plot was about her and him loving each other, but its hard to figure out... I also have one nitpick...I didn't know when the story went back in time...is she having a flashback? That is my only problem..others then that, I loved it! I hope you write more! :D
Love from the girl who wishes she could fly and be a wolf,

J. L. S.

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