Imprisoned

Every day for the past nine years I've sat staring out the prison's barred windows wishing these walls would crumble before me and let me be free, but for nine years no such thing has happened. I stay in my head most of the day because in there no one can stop me. I'm free to do what I want, when I want. I can fly above the highest cloud, run in the most beautiful meadows, swim in the deepest oceans. But in there, there is no one to love, no one to care for. I'm lost and alone in my own prison, and there's no way to escape. I'm Imprisoned.

3285 days I've been here. today is October twenty first, the ninth anniversary of when I got here. It seems decades ago, the last night of my life. I remember every second of it. My wife Chloe and I had just gotten home from a night on the town. We were both drunk as hell I couldn't even take my shoes off without falling over. Chloe told me she was gonna take a bath before we messed around. I grinned and sat on the couch, turning the TV on to see the news. Same old thing. Just someone doing something stupid for attention.

I was dozing sleepily. I could here Chloe's bath water running steadily as I left consciousness. A scene took form: Chloe was watching me jog from the porch. Her eyes felt warming, she smiled and the scene faded. I awoke still tired. yawning, I glanced at my watch. I had only been out for about half an hour. The news was still on same damn story though. I turned the TV off and laid my head on the couch. Suddenly I realized Chloe's bath was still running. I raised my head toward the direction of the bathroom. The door was shut. I sat up stretching and walked over to the bathroom door. A pool of water was streaming from underneath the door. I opened the bathroom door, and there she was lying on the floor with a blank stare, a large kitchen knife plunged deep into her chest. A jerk in my stomach made me fall to my knees.

My head was spinning. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't even cry. I just couldn't comprehend what I saw. I stumbled over to her, pulling the blood soaked knife from her chest and tossing it across the room. Bloody water surrounded me as I lifted her head, checking for a pulse. There was nothing. She was gone. I laid next to her screaming for what felt like hours. Eventually one of the neighbors called the police. I heard the sirens getting closer and closer. All I wanted to do was hold sweet Chloe in my arms one last time.

The judge sentenced life in prison for something I didn't do. It doesn't matter. My love, my Chloe, she will be waiting for me.

Hey, Greg!! Welcome to YWS! I'm Lee-Anna, and I'll be your reviewer for today.

This is good! I like the idea of the story so far. I haven't really read any story like this on YWS before . Since no one has reviewed this yet, I'll just tell you every mistake I caught. I hope you don't mind if this is really lengthy!

Every day for the past nine years I've sat staring out the prison's barred windows wishing these chains, these walls would crumble before me letting me be free, but for nine years no such thing has happened.

I think there should be a comma after years and windows. Personally, I would change "these chains, these walls" to "these chains and these walls," but that's just my opinion. And I think it would sound better if you said "...these walls would crumble before me and let me be free...." Again, that's just a personal opinion.

I stay in my head most of the day, in there no one can stop me.

This is a comma splice. You could put a period or a semicolon here, but I think it would sound better if you got rid of the comma and put because.

I'm free to do what i want, when I want.

Just forgot to capitalize the I. Sorry, little tiny detail are the things that annoy me .

I can fly above the highest cloud, run in the beautifulest meadows, swim in the deepest oceans.

Beautifulest isn't a word. It should be most beautiful. Just to let you know for next time you post, there's a nifty little spell check button in the upper right hand corner when you post something new on here!

I'm lost and alone in my own prison and there's no way to escape, I'm Imprisoned.

There should be a comma after prison and a period after escape.

Three thousand two hundred and eighty five days I've been here, today is October twenty first, the ninth anniversary of when I got here.

There should be a period after here, not a comma. And 3285 isn't supposed to be spelt out.

I remember every second of it, my wife Chloe and I has just gotten home from a night on the town.

There should be a period after it and has should be had.

Chloe told me she was gonna take a bath before we messed around, I grinned and sat on the couch turning the TV on to see the news, same old thing just someone doing something stupid for attention.

There should be a period after around and news, a comma after couch, and either a colon, em-dash, or period after thing.

I was dozing sleepily, I could here Chloe's bath water running steadily as I left consciousness.

There should be a period after sleepily. Watch out for those comma splices!!

A scene took form, Chloe was watching me jog from the porch, her eyes felt warming, she smiled and the scene faded.

I would put a colon after form, but you could also put a period. There should be a period after porch.

I awoke still tired, yawning I glanced at my watch.

There should be a period after tired and a comma after yawning.

I had only been out for about half an hour, the news was still on same damn story though, I turned the TV off and laid my head on the couch.

There should be a period after hour and though, and there should be a comma after story.

Suddenly I realized Chloe's bath was still running, I raised my head at the direction of the bathroom, the door was shut.

Period after running and bedroom. I think at should be to or toward, but I'm not sure which.

I sat up stretching and walked over to the bathroom door, a pool of water was streaming from underneath the door.

A period is needed after door, not a comma.

I opened the bathroom door, and there she was lying there on the floor with a blank stare, a large kitchen knife plunged deep into her chest, a jerk in my stomach made me fall to my knees.

You don't need there after lying. There should be a period after chest.

My head was spinning, I didn't know what to do, I couldn't even cry.

Replace all the commas with periods.

I just couldn't comprehend with what I saw.

I don't think you need "with".

I stumbled over to her pulling the blood soaked knife from her chest tossing it across the room.

There should be a comma after her. Add "and" after chest.

Bloody water surrounded me as I lifted her head checking for a pulse, there was nothing, she was gone.

There should be comma after head and a period after pulse and nothing.

I heard the sirens getting closer and closer, all i wanted to do was hold sweet Chloe in my arms one last time.

There should be a period after closer. The I isn't capitalized again, but that's an easy mistake to make.

The judge sentenced life in prison for something i didn't do, it doesn't matter, my love, my Chloe, she will be waiting for me.

Make sure the I is capitalized! There should be a period after do and matter.

Okay, I promise, I'm done!! I'm so sorry this is so long! I just get carried away sometimes, hahaha. I know all that probably sounded really harsh, but the story was really cool! Just make sure to look out for those comma splices . If you throw those out of this story, this will be perfect! I can't wait to read more!

Feel free to PM me if you need anything or when you post the next part/chapter!
~~Lee-Anna

First off, I have to say you should really take this more slowly. At the pace you're going right now everything's a bit rushed, and it takes away from what is otherwise a great story. I really like the ideas you have so far, and they work well together.

Every day for the past nine years I've sat staring out the prison's barred windows wishing these chains, these walls would crumble before me letting me be free, but for nine years no such thing has happened.

For a first sentence this is a bit long, and you want to attract the reader and pull them in. I don't think you should change what you've written, but definitely split it up.

I stay in my head most of the day, in there no one can stop me.

Okay. This is something you'll definitely have to fix in whatever you write. Instead of a comma you need to use a period or a semi-colon. Notice how the statements on both sides of the comma are two separate ideas. When you use the incorrect punctuation it makes your sentence run on, and it's difficult to read. Of course, this particular part that I'm quoting is only an example; you do it a lot.

I can fly above the highest cloud, run in the beautifulest meadows, swim in the deepest oceans.

This one is just a nitpick. "Beautifulest" isn't a word. Instead it's "most beautiful".

And as for the rest, just slow it down a bit! Don't be afraid to fill it in with tons of details, because it really paints a picture for the reader. And other than those things I really liked this! Good job.

-Knightley

Ok I am new at this so Hi I am Keinseele reviewing your story
I thought it was very deep and also very good but some mistakes but everyone does it

I was dozing sleepily

really confused and and really made no sense

today is october twenty first

it would sound better if it was worded "October the twenty first" thats what i think ^__^

I could here Chloe's

the here is the wrong kind of here it should be "hear"

My head was spinning. i didn't know what to do. i couldn't even cry. i just couldn't comprehend what i saw.

that should probably be one sentence and cut some stuff out and make it flow

BUT OVERALL I LIKED IT ^__^

I really like this because it is different from other love stories. I can see the pain that he feels because of Chloe's death. The worst thing is that he was blammed for killing the person he loved the most. You wonder how anyone could put a person through something so terrible. I also like stories that keep you turning the page, this would definitely be one of those.^_^
There were a few things you could perfect, but don't be discouraged.
Thumbs up!

This type of thing really happens in life though people are sent to prison for crimes they really didn't commit but others choose to believe otherwise and i think that is just plain stupid. Anyway this is a good piece I enjoyed reading it. Keep it up I look forward to reading more of your work.

I really liked the material that was covered in this piece but at the same time I feel like you are taking this story way too quickly. To me the ending seemed so abrupt, and I couldn't find the reason as to why it was meant to be abrupt. I'm totally fine with stories that seem to end to quickly as long as the author shows some signs as to why he intended to do so. Having your wife kill herself for no apparent reason other than maybe being to drunk seems a little to far fetched and I couldn't believe the story at that point. Also, having your character say "Oh, and btw, i got in trouble" seemed really weird and put in at the last minute before publication. If you were to add a little more build up (like maybe a lil info on why the wife is depressed?) to support the drama that unfolds would make it more worthwhile. Other than that it seemed to be heading in the right dirrection!

Hiadel