We Have An Emergency

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 5214
Reviews 150
(I won't develop this into a story. It's just a one-shot.)

“When do you leave?”
I looked over at him. He was staring up at the sky, tracing imaginary shapes with his finger.
“Next week.” I whispered.
A hollow laugh ripped from him. His arm dropped, “Next week. Dammit.”
“Shane…”
“I know, Kyle. I know. It’s not you,” he looked over at me, a rueful smile twisting his lips. “It’s just your parents.”
I found myself smiling back at him, except it was more of a bitter grimace. “I’m 16, Shane. You know I wish I could stay here with you.”
“So stay.”
“You’re barely an adult,” I said.
The smile on Shane’s lips turned humoring, amused. “Only three more weeks until I turn 18.”
“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Shane,” I said. My attempt at lightening the mood didn’t work. I could still feel the resentment pricking my eyes.
Shane thought different. He poked me in my stomach. Right where it tickled. A squeak escaped my mouth. Followed by a chuckle as my lips curled. Then I yelped as Shane poked me again.
“Stop it!” I hit him.
“Or what?” Shane poked me a third time.
“I’m gonna murder you.” I lifted myself off, slapping him playfully. He responded, holding my hands away from him and lifting himself over me, grinning. I cried out as the hammock swung dangerously.
“Shane!” I said. “The hammock.”
“It’s fine. But you are not.” Shane drew me in his arms, kissing my forehead. “You’re sad.”
The silence filled the night. I avoided his gaze, knowing I would cry if I met his eyes.
“I can’t believe I met you here.” I said, staring up at the stars.
“In a good or bad way?”
I turned my face in his chest, “Bad. Definitely bad.”
“I’ll spend every second with you until you have to go.” Shane promised. I could feel his breath hitch as he said go.
I said nothing more. And neither did he.
And we'll be a dream...

"Dee Dubbleyou." - BigBadBear




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 18529
Reviews 176
Oh wow... Ummm yeah, sorry I promise I'm not a homophobe.. But yeah.

This is very well written, even though there is basically no plot :) silly.

I turned my face in his chest, “Bad. Definitely bad.”

The comma in this should be a period.

Only three more weeks until I turn 18.

I think you should write out all numbers below twenty. But thats just what I think.. yeah.

Nice work. Cheers,
Lena
stay gold, ponyboy




User avatar
Gender Male
Points 1040
Reviews 189
I really don't have too much to say.

However, I think if you could flesh it out a bit more...it'd be better. I get that they're on a hammock...but where? His back-yard...the beach?


Also. I would like to see this made into more...no matter what you say. I'd like back-ground on how they met, etc.

Character description? Yes, do it. Meat them up a bit. (Not fat...but...you know what I mean!)

Erm...just expand on it, really. It's a good idea.
Gay Writing/Support Group. Gay or not, spread the word!

Support GLBT people -- God does.

Got YWS?



For a short space of time I remained at the window watching the pallid lightnings that played above Mont Blanc and listening to the rushing of the Arve, which pursued its noise way beneath. The same lulling sounds acted as a lullaby to my too keen sensations; when I placed my head upon my pillow, sleep crept over me; I felt it as it came and blessed the giver of oblivion.
— Mary Shelley, Frankenstein