The Accidental Run-In

The Accidental Run-in
I had the most exciting night of my entire life. It was my 8th grade Grad night field trip. The field trip took place at Six Flags Magic Mountain. There were only three buses going so space was limited. Only the people with good grades would go to the trip. Grad night was a special day and an honor to participate in it to because this trip was meant for those who worked hard to keep their grades on par to participate. Grad night is also special because only schools were allowed inside the park. Some of the teachers were strict about Grad night because when a student buys a ticket then it was mandatory for the student to show up because they didn’t want to have a student buy a ticket and be a no show because that ticket could have gone to another student so the teachers said “if you are a no show you will be dropped a letter grade”. I wasn’t going to go at first because my friends didn’t have the grades to go but I already bought my ticket so I didn’t want to become a no show.
Grad night came and every bus was all filled up and ready to go. During the ride to the theme park I was silent the whole trip there because none of my friends got to come along. I was a little bit sad but I wouldn’t let this problem ruin my night. So the bus pulled up to the theme park and when we got to the parking lot it was full of only yellow and black colored bananas on wheels. We had to park pretty far because the lot was pretty full. I got off the bus and started walking towards the entrance and I finally made it to the gate and was happy that I am here to part take in this event.
When I entered the park I stopped and looked over my shoulder and It still seemed that I was alone so I didn’t mind being alone so I started walking by myself and started heading to a close roller coaster near the entrance it was called Revolution. After the ride was over I started heading towards these two rides called Water Rapids and Tatsu. I wanted to get on water rapids but that was a big no because the ride needed like 8 people to get on and I was alone plus I would have gotten wet to and I would have to walk around the park alone with wet pants and that wouldn’t look good, if you know what I mean. So Tatsu was the best choice but the line was so big it looked like the DMV line because it moved slowly and it was huge to so I just sat down on a bench. When I was sitting by myself I saw a game booth that I wanted to play it was this basketball game and it was pretty simple just shoot the ball through the hoop and win a basketball right but I suck at basketball each game was only five dollars I had fifty dollars so I gave it a shot. It took me seven shots when I finally got my prize it was the most horrible thing I have ever done because I was left with half my money.
The next ride I was heading to was Batman which was a ride I loved because it had a nice scenery. I like Batman because I like how they tried to make it look like Gotham city. I was getting pretty bored to and the time was running low to because there was only one hour that we could stay in the park, So I got on Batman the ride and after the ride I started heading towards the exit of batman to see the pictures of me on the ride. After I saw the pictures I started to walk and I started dribbling my ball until the ball slipped out of my hands like a bar of soap I was so embarrassed I felt like time was stopping on me and all I saw was the ball rotating in mid air. Then the ball hit the tip of the curb like the edge and started rolling really fast and it hit this girls foot. I was so embarrassed so I walked really slowly to her and I got onto my knees to pick up the ball and I looked up and saw the most beautiful girl I ever seen in my life so I started a conversation with her I started by saying sorry to her about the ball hitting her foot then I stopped to think for a second because this girl looked like the girl I always liked since kinder garden so I decided to tell her “hey you look exactly like this girl I really lo” she interrupts me and she says “David it’s me Wendy” I felt like my heart stopped, my body unable to speak, and my body unable to move like if something traumatizing happened to me. I felt so embarrassed that I didn’t notice her quick enough and I was super shy to because I was about to tell her my true feelings to a girl that I didn’t know that was Wendy because I am like secretly in love with her I call it love from a far. I didn’t want to stay and converse with her more because she was a with a friend and I was alone I didn’t want to give her the impression that I was alone so I told her my friends were calling me so I walked away from her. When I was walking away I was happy that I bumped into her that was the highlight of my night because it was a long time since I saw her when I was walking away I decided to run back and try to look for her and maybe hang with her but I didn’t find her the whole night but I was just glad I got to see her gorgeous face again. It was time to go home. When I was on the bus I told myself this accidental run in with Wendy would be a memory I would always treasure in my mind forever I kept playing this incident over and over in my mind.
This day was a day I will always remember. I don’t believe in luck but this one experience changed everything for me. This run-in even took all my solitude away. I think being the good guy has its rewards and I think I got my reward that day. Everyone in the world has a memory that they will always treasure mine happens to be the day I accidently bumped into a precious friend.

Tons of run-on sentences! Makes it hard to read!

As for the actual story, it's kind of sweet in its own way, although it's nothing amazing. I would develop the character a little more. I would add more detail, so we can paint a picture of the scenery in our minds. When you said that Wendy was the most beautiful girl, I would describe Wendy. I would re-write the whole piece with more detail and description, so it reads nicely and holds the readers attention longer.
It's okay though. I see that you're new, as time goes by you will learn a lot on this site, and become more experienced.

Thank you man yeah im a fix it more then im new to this

i hope more people read my essay. i did it in class for a project i want to see what other people think about my essay i think its a good one but yeah run-on sentence other then that i think it pretty well please comment on this essay and give me tips on how to make it better if you want

Oh my God that was so cute! I loved this so much! I really like the last part too, the ending paragraph was brilliance! Are you writing more to it> If so let me know. But it is more effective to leave it as a one-shot because it looks like that it the way it was intended. Anywho, if you ever need a review let me know. TTYL happy writing kiddo!

i didn't really like it that much. I was kinda good but I thought it would be an actual story. You know?? Oh well, and you didn't really explain if it was a girl or a boy in the beginning. I imagined it as a girl. You needed to add more details.

thanks for the comment and yes this is a true story lol i wrote it how i saw it this story was about the most exciting time of my life so yeah the story is about a girl lol but thanks for the comment im a try to make it better

Hey! It's youreit, here to do my little reviewing thing!

Okay, first of all, there were way too many run-ons. If people can't understand the first paragraph of your writing, they will end up putting it down. As a writer, this is definitely not what you want. So go over it with both a spell checker and the handy dandy editor portion of your brain before you post. Also, I'm not sure if you've read the rules yet, but text-speak is not okay here. The occasional lol will be grudgingly accepted where it is apropriate, but otherwise, leve ur txt spk on ur fone plz.

Now, grammer aside, I did think that the content of your story was really cute, and you could definitely turn this into something that makes a big impact. My suggestions would be to focus on the fact that your MC feels alone in the beginning but doesn't let that get him down, then skip over all the junk about what rides he went on and how much money he had and lead into the part about him being embarrassed. At this point, I would focus mainly on the beauty of the girl, because beautiful to you is probably not the same as beautiful to me. What was her most dominant feature? What color were her eyes? Was she a blonde? A burnett? Was her hair long and flowy or short and choppy? I think you get the picture. I think sometimes when we write from our own experiances, we forget that our readers don't actually know everything that we do.

Overall, I see that you have potential. With a little practice and a lot of hard work, you could write really well. But let me warn you that writing isn't all fun and games. Not everyone is going to love your work, and you just might end up getting a review that makes you cry. (Although good reviews can make you cry too.) So, if your heart isn't in it, don't give up, but know that your work will suffer because of your lack of commitment.

I hope this review helped, and I'm sorry if I was harsh. Welcome to YWS! This place has become my personal writing refuge, and I hope it turns into that for you, too.

-youreit

Hi.
I'm now going to write you quite a long review as the ratio has just gone up...damn, that's annoying!
Your story was good. Quite a lot of sentences that should have been shortened so as it's easier to read and a few grammar mistakes hear and there but, it was the format it was written in that I wasn't quite sure on. It was written as if it was a school essay on 'My Treasured Memory'. Maybe that's just me being picky but it sounded more non-fiction then fiction.
Maybe try to work on that?

All in all, it was quite good.
Thanks for the read,
Woozey