Romero and Julia

I closed my eyes and tried to remember my lines for the part of Amy in the newest film called A Dark Secret. My nose twitched as I began to speak, " But, you see," I said as I strangled to remember what I said next, " we can never tell anyone what we heard today!"
This time it was Adam, the male vampire's turn to talk, " I know," he said as he bit his lip, " but we have to tell at least someone!!"
" OK, take 5 everyone!" yelled Andy, the director. He strut over to me, " Julia, Julia, Julia!" he sighed through his clenched teeth.
" Andy, Andy,Andy!" I said trying to lighten the mood.
" You need to try, at least TRY acting like a real vampire!" he screamed.
" Well, it's hard being the star of a horror movie!" I yelled at him. I know it is kind of pathetic, but we do this every day!! We might act like brother and sister, but we aren't!!! We are dating one another, and we thought doing a movie together would bring us closer, but it just brings us farther apart!!
" Well, SORRY Miss. Movie Star!!" he screamed as he ran to his movie trailer and slammed the door in my face.

" MOVIE STAR!!" I screeched as I struggled to open the locked door, " Oh, no you DIDN"T! I am NOT a movie star!! And you will NOT slam that door in MY face ever again!!"

" Sure thing diva," he said through the door.

" This is the last time you'll be hearing from me! I QUIT!!! Send the paycheck to my house, and you know what, we're through!!" I screamed as I ran to my car.
" Wait, Julia come back, PLEASE! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!!" he burst out of the trailer with tears streaming down his cheeks as he chased me to my car.

" Sorry won't cut it this time! We have had way to many fights, and I'm tired of it!" I said as I rolled down my window, " I'm sorry Andy, but goodbye!"


I quietly drove home as tears streamed down my cheeks. I never want to see that jerk again! I waited in the traffic as rain fell down from the sky. The only noise I heard was the soft pitter patter of the rain against my window. The streets were forming puddles as I sat there, I felt as if my tears were the cause of this rain, but I knew that wasn't possible. Finally the light turned green.
All I knew was that I wanted to get out of there,noticing there was no car ahead of me I sped up. I tried to slam on the brakes but it was to late. My car spun and slid across the slippery road, rapidly increasing in speed by the second.I strangled to call for help, as my car rammed into a telephone pole. It felt as though my life was flashing by. I looked around and saw a warm hand touching my shivering shoulder.
I looked up and tried to make out the blurry face. I heard police sirens, and many voices calling to me. " Are you OK?" asked the figure above me.
" Andy?" I asked, as the policemen lifted me into the ambulance.
The figure didn't answer me, but it stayed by me in the ambulance. My vision began to clear, and I instantly remembered who the figure was, it was my friend Romero.

" Julia, are you OK?" he asked me again, with a look of concern on his face.
" How did you find me? "I asked as I tried to sit up.
" The police found your cellphone on the ground and called everyone on your speed dial," he replied as he held my hand.

" Is Andy here?" I asked.
" Yes," replied Romero as he rolled his eyes at the thought, " he claims he's the cause of your crash."
" Actually, he is." I said as the tears came back.
I held Romero's hand as I told him the whole story, Romero told me he would bring Andy right in. I watched as he left and waited for Andy to open the rooms door, that's when I realized where I was, I was in a hospital room. I thought back to the moment I first woke up, I had seen something on Romero's face, they were tears. I remembered the happy expression on his face when I sat up.
" Hey,"
I jumped as I saw Andy enter the room, " How are you feeling?" he asked as he began to walk towards me.
" Get away from me!" I screamed at him as he tried to hold my hand, " You are the last person I want to see!"

" Hey, I'll leave when you forgive me!" he said in an ominous tone.
" Romero!" I screamed as I struggled to stand up, " Romero, get him out of here!"
As if waiting on cue, Romero burst into the room, scooped me up, and carried my away from Andy. I leaned over and gave Romero a kiss on the cheek. He looked at me and blushed as he turned around and stuck his tongue out at Andy.
I knew two things for sure, I Never wanted to see Andy again, and that I was falling head over heals for Romero!! :):)

Hello Emmy! I'm Jayleigh and I'm here to review.

the newest film called A Dark Secret.

Titles are either italicised or underlined.

My nose twitched as I began to speak,

Period, not comma.

I said as I strangled

Struggled would sound better here.

to remember what I said next

What she should say next.

" OK, take 5 everyone!"

Okay and five.

" You need to try, at least TRY acting like a real vampire!"

Try italics, not caps.

but we do this every day!!

Stop using so many gosh darn exclamation points. Serously...stop.

" MOVIE STAR!!" I screeched as I struggled to open the locked door, " Oh, no you DIDN"T! I am NOT a movie star!! And you will NOT slam that door in MY face ever again!!"

Whoa whoa. Slow down. Less caps. Less exclamations and more descriptions. Where is the fire behind her words? I don't see it.

" Sure thing diva," he said through the door.

Comma after thing.


Okay. Umm. I would have finished nit-picking this, but I decided against it.
One thing I'd like to point out is the lack of descriptions.
Another, if she is dating Andy, she wouldnt have kissed Romero.
Another, if she's in the hospital, she's probably injured and can't just be scooped up and leave.
Another, Romero wouldn't stick out his tonuge. That is very imature.
Another, just reread and edit.

-Jayleigh

Hi, I think this is going a little too fast. How can she be falling for him already? its kinda...um iffy. and also, you need to show not tell. Talk more about their friendship first. The reader doesn't know about how they met or anything...so yeah. Just do as my English Teacher always tells me, "Show don't tell."

Hello, I'm Kate and I'll be reviewing you. (Funny how a lot of us start a sentence like that.) This has some good potential. I like how you have Romero acting as The Knight in Shining armor, but there are a few things you need to smooth out.

I think Jayleigh caught most of the grammatical errors, but I want to say this: There are way too many exclamation marks. Immediately, when I began reading I felt rushed, overwhelmed, and completely turned off. It's good to show strong emotion, but you can do that by [i]showing[i] us with descriptions of what she is feeling and strong words.

The Andy character plays an important role. And, unless I misunderstood the story, he was suppose to be a 'jerk'. Well, I didn't get much of that. Also, when he comes running after Julia crying, that was very melodramatic and you need to steer clear from that!

I love Romero. But, (there's always a 'but' isn't there?) he needs be more realistic. His phrases don't really seem like something you would really hear someone say. Also, his actions in the hospital definitely don't fit. As Jayleigh said, he can't stick out his tongue, and he couldn't just pick her up from the bed if she was in a hospital.

So, re-read, and re-read again. Try to make sure everything flows well together. Watch those exclamation marks!

Sorry if this seemed harsh. You have great potential and I would love to find out what happens with Romero and Julia!

If you have any questions, please PM me and I would love to try and clarify any questions you have.

Keep Writing!

Kate

I liked your story. It was pretty gripping.
But it had some minor faults here and there which can be corrected.

I felt that the accident part and the story which continued it was a little too fast. It would have seemed better if you could have described Julia's emotions in a more detailed manner.
The second thing i could not understand in the story was i couldn't understand whether Julia wanted Andy in her hospital room or not. First she asks for him and then as soon as he comes, she wants him to go.
The last thing I found a little awkward was that Romero lifts and takes Julia out of her hospital room when she is recovering from an accident. Usually, the patients are not allowed to move. You should write something like Romero makes Andy get out of the room.
But otherwise, i liked your story. I would like to know what happens next so do write more. When you add something to this story or write any other, then please PM me so that i can come and read it.
And welcome to YWS!

I loved your story I think everything about it was perfect!!!!!:):):):):) I loved the quotation marks!!!

I loved it but as Forestqueen said you are moving a little too fast.
Slow down and show us what was supposed to be the relationship.

I thought it was very well written I like a love story with a bit of drama to it. I feel it make it more exciting to read ya know to know if it's all going to be alright. Don't listen to others i love the title. I have a title of a story I started working on it's called Adam and Eva but I'm probably not going to finish it. Anyway your story I really did enjoy reading it. If you have the time I'd appreciate it if you read some of my writing and told me what you thought of it.