Trust your instinct

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I woke up with that feeling. That he had done something. I could taste it. I called the cell phone company, and pronounced his name as a woman’s. The things these people fall for. “Hiiiiii. My name is Ryanne Jameson, and I lost my cellular phone last night, I was wondering if you could just tell me the numbers that the phone called between eleven p.m. and 2 a.m?” Here it comes. Ohgodohgodohgod. My heart started pounding. Maybe I’m wrong, maybe he went home after Cheddar Bob's. “Sure thing ma’am. Let’s see.. It looks like the number 7577297879 was called…quite a few times… fifteen times between eleven and eleven thirty five.” 7577297879... 7577297879 why does that ring a bell? No way. If anything, I thought MAYBE he had gone to Lil Rob’s. But BRYE? Again? This can’t be serious. My heart started beating, and I leaned against my mom’s bed, “Than…-thank you..” My heart was pumping, I could hear it in my ears and feel it in my throat. I couldn’t breathe. My vision started to go black. Now what, dear god. How can he keep doing this. Every time I let myself think we are doing good, we aren’t fighting, he isn’t disappearing.. I calmed down with the bitching.. Still. Always has to prove everyone else right. He will always be. This.

Think. What am I going to say, how can I get this all out to him without exploding. Okay, ill ask him what happened last night, and see what he says he did. I picked up the phone and dialed his number. The number I had known from heart since that day at the payphone in the hallway on Friday before I went home. Yawn. “What?” Deep breath. Stay calm and collected. Say things with no emotion. “So what did you do after I dropped you off at Cheddar Bob's? I called you for like thirty minutes and you never answered.” “Ohh ummm… He wasn’t there so I came home and took a shower and passed out. Why what’s up?” I heard Talen crying in the other room. “ well, I called the phone company, and they said you called Vickie fifteen times… how did that end up happening?” Silence. “Therese, I can’t believe you checked my phone records! That is NONE of your business. And you KNOW you are always going to start a fight when you do things like this. I can’t believe you did this to me, this is bullshit. I can’t believe you called and told me!” What? This is not my fault. No way, no how.

I hung up the phone and called Brye from the house phone, she would be more likely to answer a number she didn’t know. It rang twice and then someone picked up.
“Holler.” Seriously. Not in the mood for this blonde’s want to be gangster phrases.
“ So, how many times have you and Ryane hung out, and why and what happened and when.” My adrenaline was running. I was still feeling that oh so familiar pain of self worthlessness at getting cheated on yet AGAIN. I am the mother of his CHILDREN. He’s the one who said he wanted to be a family. This is far from being a family team player.
“ Wow Rese, I can’t believe you still don’t want us hanging out. All of that is done and over with. Ryane loves you and the boys, and I love Steve. All we do is get up and smoke blunts together occasionally, it is not that serious.”
“Right, like when you told me you couldn’t get over Christopher and the hickies that I saw on your neck last time I saw you WEREN’T from Ryane? Why should I believe either one of you?”
“Look…Rese…why don’t you come pick up me and Sissy and we can talk about this one on one? I’m at the gas station on the corner.”




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Hello and welcome to YWS!

First, you should go on over to the Welcome Forum, introduce yourself, and read the rules. We have a 3:1 review to work ratio here. Basically, you have to review three other things before you can post your own work.

Now onto your story.

For one, I really liked the title. It made me want to read your story. Also, you have an excellent beginning. It drew me right in. You do have some issues with spelling and grammar. I suggest that you read over your work a couple of times before posting. A lot of grammar/spelling errors tend to drive readers away.

I also noticed that you put a few words in caps. It looks a whole lot better when you just italicize it.

You have an interesting idea plot-wise, but right now I'm not really sympathizing with your character. Describe her feelings more. I know she's ticked. But, what else is she feeling? Also, add in some more descriptions in general. What did the phone look like? What does the room like? What's the name of the guy she called? What did his voice sound like? All in all, you should show the reader more and tell them less.

I hope this helped and welcome to YWS! You have a good idea so PM me when you post more.

Sasha.
You told me not to break down. It's the only promise I plan on keeping.




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I found your beginning to be quite good as well. The commenter above me is pretty much bang-on, but as mentioned, I wasn't feeling it, you know?
In terms of mood, you need to work on setting that. The more in-depth your story is in terms of mood, the more readers will enjoy and can even say they can relate to the feelings of your character. I myself adore stories with capability like that.
Overall, everything was pretty good besides what I had mentioned.
Happy writing!



Reading is one form of escape. Running for your life is another.
— Lemony Snicket