Into that good night

Into that good night
By: Zackary Turner


It was night; we were alone, in this house, built with my grandfather’s last string of sanity. The soft glow of the fire on her mild skin was something of amazement to me; she smiled, causing my face to brighten. I wonder to myself if this moment was real, could she really be mine, or was this some torment from my imagination. This pondered my mind constantly, her right hand moved slowly onto my left palm. I hadn't a clue what to do, my heart began to race, before I could tell my right hand was stroking her blond golden locks of hair, I moved it to her face where I caressed her cheek, then she moved her left hand to my right hand, to guide it around her rose lips, her touch was an addiction to me, as if I were an animal who has this desire to feed. Her lips slowly, gracefully, edged towards mine, and when they met, my hunger was cured. She was the answer to my prayers, she was the goddess of my life, this causing me to be her willing slave. She began to retract her lips from mine, and we lay together on the floor me holding her in my arms, and her hands upon my body. I looked into her eyes, I saw the truth, the sorrow, the death, the birth, but most of all I saw the love I had for her and she had for me.

Hi there! I will be reviewing your work this fine day, but just beware, I can be a bit of a nit-picker; but all I say is meant to be constructive criticism. And now with that said, let's get on with the review!

The first thing I noticed was just a nit-picky thing, which is the fact that you used semi-colons in places where you could have used a period. Semi-colons are great tools, when used properly. But if you don't use them properly they just make the sentence seem like a run-on, which you don't want.

For example, take a look at your very first sentence.

It was night; we were alone, in this house, built with my grandfather’s last string of sanity.

This really doesn't need to be kept one sentence. You need to expand it with actual description and switch up the punctuation so that it doesn't sound like you're just dumping the setting on us all in one run-on awkward sentence. Maybe try something like this:

It was a dark and dreary night, and we were alone in the house. The very house that my grandfather built with his last string of sanity.

Also, I noticed that this whole thing was just one big clump of a paragraph. People don't really tend to like to read that. Remember that you have to make a new paragraph every time the scene, topic, time or person speaking changes. Maybe just go through this and look for places that can be made into a new paragraph.

Lastly, the piece doesn't really have plot, conflict or character development. We need to know why we should care about this guy. Also, the basic building blocks of stories are just those. Plot, conflict and character development. Without these, your story just falls flat and nobody will be interested.

However, you do have a good scene in here, but maybe for the middle of a story. Remember, we need to know why we should care about your characters, who they are, and why they're in his grandfather's house.

I hope I get to read more, but just fix this up and add the building blocks. I'll keep a look out for more from you! Good luck, and PM me if you have any questions or comments. See you around!

~ Trish

Thanks for the advice! It's very helpful, i wrote this in a matter of a couple of minutes, I like to call it raw, simply because of that. When i reviewed what you said it made since, you are very informative, I will look for stuff of yours to review!