The Break Up: The Percfect Guy

The Break-Up: The Perfect Guy
Chapter 1


Breakups occur for a lot of different reasons; personal differences, a change in lifestyle, infidelity, a sexual or emotional attraction to somebody else. All of these things Andie knew best; for she had an exceptional talent for breaking up with guys, but not because she was afraid of commitment (oh, never that). But because she has never found the perfect guy.
Andie’s search started when she was only five years old and Anthony Shaw-The boy with the blue eyes- kissed her under the old kindergarten tree and later then hold hands with her. Needless to say she was impressed that he didn’t think she had cuties.
Later, that day at home, she made a scrapbook where she was going to record every moment of her life-To their first kiss till their marriage and kids and death- with Anthony.
Unfortunately Andie’s happiness (oh, so cruel!) lasted only a week, after Anthony made the, oh, so big mistake of shoving a cookie-very rudely- Andie may add- in her mouth. Andie, of course thought of this as inappropriate boyfriend behavior, and at that age her exact words for a break up where: “You’re fired!” Wich I may add that she’d herd a lot from her parents.
From then on, Andies’ scrapbook became her soul obsession-and I mean it- of finding the perfect boyfriend… I don’t need to tell you how that’s going. Andies soul searching has never been quite satisfying. Her luck on guys is great, but she has the unfortunate ability to see peoples (by that I mean guys) defects. Which, clearly, is why she has never landed on a solid relationship.
To cookie shoving, sneezing in her face, farting from the nerves, puking in her lap or other disgusting habits or mistakes, has made her believe that maybe she wont find the perfect guy; the complete gentlemen package. All those disturbing events have made Andie an expert in breaking up with guys. For her, this is a walk in the park.
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“So, let me get this straight. You’re breaking up with me?” Andie was frowning now. She never liked this part… Ok, maybe a little. She had to do it. It was for the better of humanity and her sanity.
“Let me tell you something,” Andie said, while she took a deep tragic I-don’t-really-want-to-do-this-sigh. “You’re great. Any girl would be lucky to have you.”
“You do know that you could be “that lucky girl”, right?” he said, not only with confusion and frustration, but with actual sarcasm. Which only made Andie be more convinced that he wasn’t “the perfect guy”.
“Its not you; it’s me.” With her beautiful smile and amazing perky confidence she left without another word and left yet another “imperfect guy”.
As she walked toward her best friend, Maddie, who had like always a disapproving face. The face that said: “I cannot believe you left that hunk.” See, Maddie did not like or approve of Andies search for the perfect guy. She believed in no such thing, Maddie believed in the term “If he walks, he’s good enough”.
“I cannot believe you broke up with that fine piece of ass! What is wrong with you?” Maddies blond curls where bouncing everywhere as she tapped impatiently her foot, clearly irritated.
“Well, he might incredibly beautiful, but he is too conceited. That totally ruins everything, plus it was like he thought I was a trophy or something. That is totally wrong.”
“Like trying to find a guy with no flaws is not wrong and having a weird book with all the good qualities a good boyfriend should have is not wrong. Need I mention that weird shrine you have on your closet?” Andie quickly grabbed Maddies arm and shushed her with desperate pleading eyes.
“Will you keep it down? It is not a shrine for your information.”
“Whatever, it’s weird.”
“Oh, who cares? I’m probably never going to find him. I should just quit, like right now.” She headed over the trash can and dumped her scrapbook. Andie was giving up; all those years wasted for nothing and all the cute imperfect guys wasted. She was holding back her tears when she noticed somebody picking up her scrapbook and giving it back to her.
“Hey, this is yours,” he said handing it out to her.
“I know; I dumped it. I don’t want it. I quit.” The dark haired guy was looking at her like he would at a math problem, which made Andie think he was dense. That was until he opened his mouth again.
“You shouldn’t quit. If you believe in what you’re doing then pursue It.” he said with a smile, Andie like a little kid at Toys-R-Us smiled back.
“You’re right,” she said shaking her head. “I believe in it and I believe I will find it.”
“Then, you will.”
“Thanks. What’s your name?” Andie asked with real curiosity in her voice… and maybe a little bit of excitement.
“ Jaden and yours?”
“Oh, Andie.”
“Well, Andie, I hope we meet again.”
Taking back her scrapbook and heading back to class she had a thought, a terrible thought. “He could be the one.”

First Thoughts

All of these things Andie new best;

Minor nit pick, new should be knew.

As for the opening paragraph, it's a bit... flat? I think the main issue is that the first two sentences are describing what a break up is and why it happens, which most of us already know. It's not the most interesting way to start a story because to the reader it feels like an info dump, and not a particularly interesting one at that. I would try starting with your last sentence, maybe?

Andie knew why break ups happened,reasons; personal differences, a change in lifestyle, infidelity, a sexual or emotional attraction to somebody else. She had an exceptional talent for breaking up with guys, but not because she was afraid of commitment (oh, never that). But because she has never found the perfect guy.

I little change in wording and sentence structure and I think that it is a bit more effective.

but not because she was afraid of commitment (oh, never that)

I enjoy this bit quite a lot, because it gets your reader involved and simultaneously gives your narrator a voice. A flat narrator typically means a flat story, so bravo on that.

Andies' search started when she was only five years old and Anthony Shaw-The boy with the blue eyes- kissed her under the old kindergarten tree and later then hold hands with her. Needless to say she was impressed that he didn’t think she had cuties.

I like this little story, it's cute, and for me made me think of my first little crush.

Andies' should be Andie's. I've noticed that you use Andies' throughout the story, and I am just wondering if there is a reason behind it that I am missing?

After this little tid bit something quite strange happens with your narrations. You jump from Andy narrating to someone else, and in two different tenses. Sometimes you're in past tense, sometimes you're in present tense. Sometimes it feels like the narrator is just an observer, and sometimes the narrator is Andie herself. For the reader, it's all very confusing.

Unfortunately Andies’ happiness (oh, so cruel!) lasted only a week, after Anthony made the, oh, so big mistake of shoving a cookie-very rudely Andie may add- in her mouth. Andie, of course thought of this as inappropriate boyfriend behavior, and at that age her exact words for a break up where: “You’re fired!”

I am going to slightly question the line, "You're fired!" mostly because I can't see a five year old saying that. I've baby sat a lot of kids, and mostly what you'll hear is "I don't wanna be you're friend anymore!" or something along those lines. I'm not even sure someone of that age will know what being fired means.

From then on, Andies’ scrapbook became her soul obsession-and I mean it- of finding the perfect boyfriend… I don’t need to tell you how’s that going. Andies soul searching has never been quite satisfying. Her luck on guys is great, but she has the unfortunate ability to see peoples (by that I mean guys) defects. Wich, clearly, is why she has never landed on a solid relationship.

With these paragraphs, you have two different narrators. In the first one, Andie seems to be the one doing the narration, but in the second paragraph, the narration switches to "I". Also, in paragraph A, you're in past tense in paragraph B, you're in a mixture of past and present.

I don’t need to tell you how’s that going.

If I were you I'd just switch this up a tad, "I don't need to tell you how that's going." simply makes a bit more sense.

Dialogue

The first bit feels quite a lot like a very typical break up, but the dialogue happens so fast, the only thing you take from it is that... well, Andie is very rude, and pretty arrogant.

“Its not you; it’s me.” With her beautiful smile and amazing perky confidence she left without another word and left yet alone another “imperfect guy”.

The wording of this bothers me, I would nix the "alone", but more than that, it makes your character feel very shallow. If that's what you're going for, then bravo, mission accomplished. However, as a main character she is very unlikable to a broader audience. She feels very unrelatable during the entire sequence.

During the dialogue, Andie and Maddie feel like the same person. They talk the same way, act the same way... it actually becomes quite difficult to tell which one is which. I would attempt to change up the dialogue a bit so that both characters have a distinct voice.

“You know, you shouldn’t quit. I mean, winners don’t quit,” he said with a smile, Andie like a little kid at Toys-R-Us smiled back.

[/quote]

For what was supposed to be an awe inspiring line, the thing he says that really caught this very picky girls attention... this falls flat. Winners never quit? C'mon. He could totally do better than that. I think you should expand on the dialogue between the two of them. If Andie is as picky as you claim she is, I don't think she would be wooed by this little line.

Setting

Where is this all taking place? Right now you have an info dump and then suddenly she's breaking up with a boy, then suddenly her best friend is there, then suddenly a guy is there. Where is all of this going on? Is it a school, the mall, a bowling ally? You've left your reader with little to go off of, so we're left a bit lost.

Characters

Andie- as main characters go, she feels really unrelatable and honestly very arrogant. It's really hard to get a feel for her character other than these two qualities, which tend to stand out above the rest. You make her into this very picky character, and then she swoons over a very dull conversation with a boy with dark hair? It doesn't seem to fit into place.

Maddie- at this point, Maddie has no character. She's just sort of the best friend that disagrees. She and Andie sound too much alike in my opinion. I think you should work on giving her a voice of her own, and really giving her a character.

Dark-haired Boy- Well, we only saw him for a moment but all in all, he's not all that interesting. The one line about how winners don't quit falls flat for the supposed line that makes this girl start to fall for him. As I said above, give them more of a dialogue here, make him a boy that would make *every* girl swoon.

Overall

The main thing I think you need to do here is expand. Give us more to go on. As far as first chapters go, this one feels flat and not all that interesting. The idea of a main character that is not actually all that likable can be really appealing if executed properly, but give us more. If she's not very nice, that's fine, but right now she's not very nice and not actually very interesting at the same time. I would work on expanding your setting and description, and try to work on staying in the same tense throughout the story. Always keep your narrator in mind, switching narrators gets really confusing for the reader.

I think you have a lot of potential here, just try to expand your ideas and draw us readers in.

Hope this helps, PM me with any questions you have.
OverEasy

Hello there Cynara!!! Long time no see!!!! I have to say: Beautiful!! Totally beautiful!!!! I liked it a lot!!! I definitely like how she finds everyone perfect until she actually gets to know them. Ha! Funny So I really like the plot here!!! I totally want to know what happens next. I am like this: You storys always hook me. How do you do it? So I like that guy that she met when she dumped the book. He sounds cute!!! I totally like want to know more about him!!!!

Well this is something that I must do as a YWs-er: I did notice a couple of typos but that is pretty much it. I don't like pointing stuff like that out. So yes I totally want to know more!!! PM me when the next chapter is up, k? See you soon!!! Laters!!!

Cynara! You're back in the game! Excellent! I do love your work. Thanks so much for the PM or I would have missed this!

Well, on with the review!

Nitpicks:

Breakups occur for a lot of different reasons; personal differences, a change in lifestyle, infidelity, a sexual or emotional attraction to somebody else.

Good start. It gives a pretty good idea about what it's about.
"Breakups" should be" Break-ups".

but not because she was afraid of commitment (oh, never that). But because she has never found the perfect guy.

It reads like they should be in the same sentence... O.o
: but not because she was afraid of commitment (oh, never that), but because she has never found the perfect guy. ?

Andie’s search started when she was only five years old and Anthony Shaw-The boy with the blue eyes- kissed her under the old kindergarten tree and later then hold hands with her.

I think the start of the paragraph would be more eye-catching and interesting if it was just: "Andie's search started when she was only five years old. Anthony Shaw..."
Also, I think the capital "t" on "the boy..." should be lowercase. Or maybe just use commas? *shrugs* "Anthony Shaw, the boy with the blue eyes, kissed..."
Wow. Blue eyes. Most people have blue eyes. Are you saying they're bright blue, rather than ordinary blue? O.o
"And later then hold hands with her" should be "and then later held hands with her". Changed the position of "then" and turned "hold" into "held". ^^ It should flow better...
By the way, love how you said "Andie's search" - that really sets up the character for me. ^^

Later, that day at home

I'd scrap that comma, 'cause it's later that day... O.o Yeah, I'm not good at explaining these things... ha ha.

every moment of her life-To their first kiss till their marriage and kids and death- with Anthony.

Lowercase "t" on "to".

(oh, so cruel!)

Mmm.. yeah... I don't know what this achieves. Maybe you'd be better off without it.

after Anthony made the, oh, so big mistake of shoving a cookie-very rudely- Andie may add- in her mouth.

: after Anthony made the oh so big mistake of shoving a cooking-very rudely, Andie may add-into her mouth.
The commas fail with the "oh so". The dash after "rudely" should be a comma. And possibly "into" rather than "in"? That just may be me being picky though.

Wich I may add that

Which! Typo!

From then on, Andies’ scrapbook

Andie's.

soul obsession-and I mean it- of finding

Of course you mean it. Why would you have added that otherwise?

Andies soul searching

Andie's.
Soul-searching.

Her luck on guys is great, but she has the unfortunate ability to see peoples (by that I mean guys) defects.

I'd scrap the stuff in the brackets. Or replace "peoples" with "guy's". "Peoples" should be "people's" as the defects belong to them.

she wont find the perfect guy

Won't.

“So, let me get this straight. You’re breaking up with me?” Andie was frowning now. She never liked this part… Ok, maybe a little. She had to do it. It was for the better of humanity and her sanity.

Personally, I think this would sound better if his speech had a line all to itself.
“So, let me get this straight. You’re breaking up with me?”
Andie was frowning now. She never liked this part… Ok, maybe a little. She had to do it. It was for the better of humanity and her sanity.
Maybe expand on why she likes breaking up with people.

Andie said

Past tense. Try "Andie says". |:

“So, let me get this straight. You’re breaking up with me?” Andie was frowning now. She never liked this part… Ok, maybe a little. She had to do it. It was for the better of humanity and her sanity.
“Let me tell you something,” Andie said, while she took a deep tragic I-don’t-really-want-to-do-this-sigh. “You’re great. Any girl would be lucky to have you.”
“You do know that you could be “that lucky girl”, right?” he said, not only with confusion and frustration, but with actual sarcasm. Which only made Andie be more convinced that he wasn’t “the perfect guy”.
“Its not you; it’s me.” With her beautiful smile and amazing perky confidence she left without another word and left yet another “imperfect guy”.

Flesh it up with more description! Where are they? What do they look like? Their facial expressions. Are they walking or just standing together? Try and throw n his name here or something to make it more realistic.

As she walked toward her best friend, Maddie, who had like always a disapproving face.

I'd scrap the "as", 'cause it sounds like you're going to describe an action Maddie/Andie is going to do, but you don't.
Put a comma after "who had" and then another after "like always".
Oh ... maybe move the "had" to before "a disapproving".

: She walked toward her best friend, Maddie, who, like always, had a disapproving face.

approve of Andies search for

Andie's.

Maddies blond curls where bouncing everywhere as she tapped impatiently her foot, clearly irritated.

Maddie's.
"Were" instead of "where".

Like trying to find a guy with no flaws is not wrong and having a weird book with all the good qualities a good boyfriend should have is not wrong.

I just feel this should be a question.

She headed over the trash can and dumped her scrapbook.

Oh. She has her scrapbook with her? Perhaps you should have mentioned that earlier. I thought it was safely at home or something. This is all PAST tense!

and all the cute imperfect guys wasted.

I don't really get this...
Comma after "cute".

she noticed somebody picking up her scrapbook and giving it back to her.

From the bin? Ew.

“Hey, this is yours,” he said handing it out to her.

Well done, Einstein. *rolls eyes* Seriously, that wouldn't happen. Uh-uh, no way.
Comma after "said".

what you’re doing then pursue It.” he said with a smile, Andie like a little kid at Toys-R-Us smiled back.

"like a little kid at Toys-R-Us" seems like a really weird simile to use. A kid with a new dolly/toy? O.o
Why has "it" got a capital "i"?
Typo! The full-stop you have after "it" should be a comma.
I'd turn the comma after "smile" into a full-stop.
Comma after "Andie".
Another comma after "Toys-R-Us".

she said shaking her head.

Comma after "said".

“ Jaden and yours?”

Typo. Scrap the space between the opening speech mark and "Jaden".
Comma after "Jaden".

Taking back her scrapbook and heading back to class she had a thought, a terrible thought. “He could be the one.”

Comma after "class".
I'd put "a terrible thought" as another sentence to give it more impact. I'd also take off the speech marks from the thought and put it in italics, giving it its own line.
: Taking back her scrapbook and heading back to class, she had a thought. A terrible thought.
He could be the one.

Tense:
Our favourite issue. You keep switching! I'm assuming you're in present tense, although you tend to write in past for a sentence or two before going back to present. It's really confusing, and disrupts the flow! I may have missed a few "past tense" parts, but if you go through with a keen eye, you should spot them.

Description:
Cynara, there's a massive lack of description in the second part of this chapter. I've had to make up my own setting; a mix of a park and the school grounds. I have no idea what any of your characters look like. When writing from third person, like you are here, you should be able to at least describe the main character a little. In both first and second person, you most certainly should be able to describe the other characters. You have the perfect opportunity to describe Jaden as Andie has never seen him before. If she's such a picky person and is desperately searching for the one, wouldn't she run a critical eye over him automatically?
And when is this happening? Morning, afternoon, evening, at night? Although I'm leaning more towards afternoon.

Distance:
I haven't felt the connection to you MC you usually make me feel. Perhaps it's because this is third person and not first, but I feel like the narrator is sitting back and telling me all abut Andie. I don't want that. I want to be there. This can so easily be achieved, perhaps removing the "I" statements, and opinions the narrator has of Andie. I want to feel closer to Andie. Perhaps you could mix in both by subtly giving your opinions of Andie via the description.
E.g.

I don’t need to tell you how that’s going.

Could easily be

It hadn't been going too well for Andie.

Overall:
I actually really enjoyed it. You've got great ideas, Cynara. And I loved the first part of this. It was all too adorable! And I got more of an idea of what your character was really like. I can tell you feel for Andie. Which is great.
I do hope you continue this, and be sure to PM me if you post the next chapter! If I sounded a little tired towards the end of the review, I apologise. It's 'cause I am. So tired.
Well, keep on writing! I hope I've been helpful.

~EmmaJane

Great begining!
I loved the way you let us relate to the main character first before dropping the "new guy" bomb! That was really effective. Also, I like how you made the main character much like the average romantic girl. I know that everyone is searching for "the one" and that makes your character easy to relate to. Not only did you do that, you also dramaticized it, which makes for a great story. I love it when writers take one major trait or value and make it the theme of their story.
I think everyelse got the nitpicks, so that's all I have.
All in all, it was a great start. PM me if you write more.
-youreit

Hi!!!!! Thanks everybody for your reviews. They help. A LOT! I really appreciate it and don't worry I'll write more soon and also have my next chapter for round like the moon real soon.

Again, Thanks!!
You guys are the best!

Sorry this took me an age to read

So, this is quite the interesting story you have started. The idea is great. Every one can relate to it. The execution is almost perfect! Just a few things:

It would be awesome if there was a bit more description on Andie's surroundings. It becomes very confusing when you switched the settings from her memory to her breaking up with the guy. Also, Maddie just seemed to pop out of nowhere, you may want to mention she was sitting, watching Andie break up with the guy before Maddie begins to talk.

I think it would also be good if you went into detail about the characters a little more also. As someone said earlier, Andie and her best friend seemed really similar through their dialogue. Give Maddie a bit of pizzazz haha. Just give her a unique style. The way a character talks reveals so much about them, it's a great way to add depth to the characters.

I really enjoyed this! Please write more, it's definitely an interesting story already. And I want to know about this new guy pm me when the new addition is up, please.

Keep Writing!
~Dommy

This was very cute, I enjoyed it. Most everything has been said, you get in trouble for not describing your characters enough and I get in trouble for over describing them, I think we should trade places.
Other then that, I like Andie, she's my type of girl always on the prowl for an awesome top of the line boyfriend, I like her, don't think you should settle for second best, go for the gold,
I can't wait to read what happens next, I mean does she meet Jaden again, in another setting? I mean all you said was dark hair, and I pictured short dark hair, cool green eyes, a smile that made you swooon, and I meant to put in that extra 'O'
So please write more, and describe your characters more. Great job!

So I finally read it!!!! your nagging finally got me around to it. The chapter was awesome and as usual I am hooked and can't wait for the next one. I love the main character and her best friend seems funny. Everyone else seemed to get all the nitpicks so I wont take up your valuable time with it. Again loved the chap and it's great.
Love ya,
Keep writing(update soon)


P.S. I just love this elephant!!!

Awww so cute!

At first, I thought this was going to be like any other depressing break-up story, but once I read the first paragraph, I knew it wasn't going to be like that. I agree that your intro. paragraph fell a little flat and that you should spice it up a bit. I didn't find a lot of serious grammatical/spelling/etc. errors, so you don't have to worry about. I do agree that Maddie and Andie seem a lot alike. Individualize your characters and take some time to make each one unique in their own way.

I absolutely love the plot and I can so relate. I have been in search of the perfect boyfriend since I hit 6th grade.

The only other thing that I would work on is the setting (I'm pretty sure someone has also mentioned this), but add in descriptions of the setting so we get a clear view of where this story is taking place.

Sasha