Words Cut Thin

I understand this is bad and needs a lot of work, but that's why I've submit it. I'm working on my romance writing for a larger story, so all critiques are greatly appreciated.

***

Chapter 1- A Lovely Nightmare

Daniel swept in from behind and wrapped his arms around my waist.  I jumped, but he seemed highly amused and laughed as I turned around ready to beat the crap out of him.

"Always sneaking up on me," I said between giggles and swings to his face. He grabbed my swinging arms by the wrists and pulled me closer until our noses touched and my vision was filled in a sea of green. The gold flecks there seemed to dance as they saw me and looked into my own eyes. Daniel was always in a happy mood, even if the times were tough.

"Ah, a little feisty there, aren't we?" And just like that we were kissing, all my edginess slowly diminishing... but not totally.  I couldn't forget why I was here.

I broke away to catch my breath and speak. "He should have been here by now." I looked around to the closed little door in the corner the room.  It was closed, and seemed to stare me in the face and say ‘Try me, Stella. Behind me is a nightmare you’re just waiting to see.’

"Hush, Stel.  Everything is going to be fine.  Just trust me on this one," he whispered close by my ear.  It tickled as his breath came onto it, like a gentle wind that sweeps by.  Daniel was known for giving a simple, sweet gesture just when I needed it.

I pulled away and looked around the waiting room in the hospital.  I remembered why we were here and all the grim circumstances that held me in place.

We stood on carpet colored a puke shade and the walls stood a brilliant yellow.  Windows were stationed everywhere, and when the late noon sun spilled in it created a more cheerful atmosphere.  It was an illusion, though.  A trick of the mind.  The sunlight was but only temporary, and the sun would soon disappear into the horizon.  The happy glow in the room was from the paint, and made it seem something it's not.

"Stella, can you please stop worrying so much?  I'm sure it's fine and the doctor is coming in a few minutes.  Relax."

But I couldn't.  I was facing probably the most frightening realization that I might be sick, and I mean really sick. In a few moments, I would face a doctor and be told whether that was true or not. And the truth was that I didn’t want to know, because either way I’d tremble. Either way I’d be hurting.

A nurse told me I could go through the small door I'd had my eyes glued to for the past half hour. It had seemed like forever until I could go see the doctor, and now I was simply terrified to walk over. The door had chipped paint and a brass doorknob that seemed to make my hands even sweatier as I grasped it. I wiped my hands on my jeans and took the steps through it and into the hallway.

Daniel followed close behind, ready to give anything. He once said he’d give me the world if I asked. I remember asking him how he’d plan on doing so, and though we were just playing around, he looked seriously into my eyes and said some thing I’ll never forget.

“If you ever need something, I promise I’ll get it to you. You just name it. As long as you’re my angel on earth, I will always find a way for you.”

I was lucky to have him by my side now, and his presence was all I could ask for. I tried to focus on him instead of how long the hallway seemed to be, and how close the doctor's office really was. That made me the perspiration come even more, until I could feel it beading my forehead and making my breath come faster and harder. I didn’t notice I was panting and dizzy until someone came up behind Daniel and I, making me come back to my harsh reality.

"Stella, Dr. Johnsden will see you now," a nurse told me once again. I hadn't noticed I'd stopped walking as I got nearer to the office. It was so close that I could feel the cool air coming from it and see the door left ajar, just waiting for me.

I thought of my mother as I took those few last steps. She couldn't be here today, even though she wanted to, because she had a nursing shift. Ha! Even when we were in the same building together she still couldn't come with her own daughter to go to the doctor's office. I was sad, yet happy Daniel was here. If there was anyone in the world I'd want by my side at this moment, it would be him. He grabbed my hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze as we entered the tiny little doctor's office.

The doctor sitting behind the desk, Dr. Johnsden, motioned towards two chairs stationed on a little silk rug in front of his huge desk. It seemed to take up half the space in the room. Daniel led me over to a chair and then took his seat. He was still holding tight to my hand the whole way through, and I was grateful. If he hadn't been, I may have just collapsed then and there. I felt so weak, so powerless. The doctor was about to say what I hadn't wanted to hear in such a long, long time.

"I have your test results, Stella, and I'm afraid I have some bad news." The doctor seemed to give his sympathy in those words, but it never came across. All I heard echoing in my head was bad news, bad news. I tried to brace myself, but nothing could prepare me for what I was about to hear.

"Stella, dear, you're relapsing. Your cancer is back." The only thing I'd been feeling was Daniel's clammy hand, and even that slipped from my grip. Everything fell away from me, the plush chairs, the huge desk, the doctor, Daniel, and was replaced by my swarming mind. Denial flashed before my eyes, but one thought stood out the most.

This can't be happening to me again.

first off I have to say. Having Cancer sucks. But anyways not bad. I got into it. Which is actually quite a feet since I get bored easily.


The main thing is that this chapter is sort of repredative. " I couldn't, I broke, I looked, I jumped"

try to turn some of those into sentences like....

I broke away to catch my breath and speak.= Braking away, I tried to catch my breath and speak.

The sunlight was but only temporary, and the sun would soon disappear into the horizon. The happy glow in the room was from the paint, and made it seem something it's not.

try to rewrite it a little bit

The sunlight was only temporary, and it would soon disappear with the night. The paint created a happy glow, making it into something it's not.

Not much, just makes it easier to understand.



Overall I really liked this. You were great with the character development and diologue. Also the description was great. Just make the sentences more interesting.


Pm me when chapter 2 is done ^_^

Hi Selene~

This seems like an interesting story. I'd love to read more of it. So anyway, here are some of the errors I found:

I jumped, but he seemed highly amused and laughed as I turned around ready to beat the crap out of him.

I think there's something wrong with this sentence. I think it'd be better if you separated the sentences into two? Like maybe, I jumped. He seemed highly amused and laughed as I turned.....

We stood on carpet colored a puke shade and the walls stood a brilliant yellow.

"carpet colored a puke shade" sounds a bit too much. Maybe make it, puke-shaded carpet? or maybe puke colored carpet?

Windows were stationed everywhere, and when the late noon sun spilled in it created a more cheerful atmosphere.

Perhaps you should change the word "it" to room, because, from the way I understood the sentence, "it" can also be the window...

The happy glow in the room was from the paint, and made it seem something it's not.

I thought the sun spilling into the room made it more cheerful?

That made [s]me[/s] the perspiration come even more, until I could feel it beading my forehead and making my breath come faster and harder.

I didn’t notice I was panting and dizzy until someone came up behind Daniel and I, making me come back to my harsh reality.

I think the last part of this sentence is wrong... there wasn't any indication in the previous sentences of the paragraph that she had been day dreaming... Also... How can she not notice being dizzy? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think it's possible...

I hadn't noticed I'd stopped walking as I got nearer to the office.

I think this sentence is inconsistent... Didn't you mention earlier that she grabbed the brass doorknob? From there, I understood that she was right outside the office...

I was sad, yet happy Daniel was here.

I don't know if it's just me, but I think you should add something after the first part (I was sad...) because from what I understood, she was sad and happy because Daniel was there? Maybe you could make it, I was sad that my mother wasn't here with me, yet happy that Daniel was here. (But if you meant that she was sad and happy because of Daniel, then disregard my comment =D)

The doctor sitting behind the desk, Dr. Johnsden, motioned towards two chairs stationed on a little silk rug in front of his huge desk. It seemed to take up half the space in the room.

I think there's some contradictions in these two sentences... In the second sentence, when you said "it" did you mean the rug? or the chairs? Because if it was the rug, then I think you shouldn't say it's "little" (...stationed a little silk rug in front of his huge desk) due to the fact that you just mentioned in the second sentence that it took up half the space of the room. But if you meant the chair, then disregard this comment, again

The doctor was about to say what I hadn't wanted to hear in such a long, long time.

How can she know what the doctor was about to say? Wasn't she there to hear the results?

The only thing I'd been feeling was Daniel's clammy hand, and even that slipped from my grip.

There isn't anything wrong with this sentence or anything, but I just feel that the phrase 'clammy hand' (...Daniel's clammy hand..) could be replaced with a better phrase to maximize the strength of the sentence? I believe that it would be better to replace it with: strong grip? (or something to that effect) Because wasn't Daniel holding her hand the entire time? So wouldn't his grip on her hand be strong? And if a person's grip is strong, it'd be hard to slip from his grip, thus giving more strength to your sentence. This is just a suggestion though, so it's okay if you don't use it, or anything...


I can't really say much about the plot at this point of the story. But I'm interested in seeing how it will go. I'm terribly sorry if I nitpicked too much, but I hope that my review helped you. =D

Hey hey hey, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

I said between giggles and swings to his face. He grabbed my swinging arms

Replace one of the "swings."

Daniel was known for giving a simple, sweet gesture just when I needed it.

He was known for it? He was good for it? He was known to do it? Just a little rewording needed, methinks.

Windows were stationed everywhere,

Everywhere sounds weird in this context...

and said some thing I’ll never forget.

something=one word.

Okay...

II. BEGINNING

The beginning of this piece gave me no indication of what was to follow. All we saw was the two of them being lovey-dovey and sort of nauseating. I didn't have any idea where they were or what they were doing and was a bit like "Ach, not again..."

I know it's only a few paragraphs, but it did throw me off slightly. Maybe have a line beforehand, or describe the emotion in his eyes when she looks in him. Surely he's not going to be that highly amused if this is the reason they're there?

III. DOCTOR

A line or two, or even the dialogue that it would be concerning would be good when they go into the doctor's office. There's nothing to indicate that he greets them, the first thing he says is "I have bad news." Wouldn't he, you know, ask how she's feeling or anything? Really, think about it... Doctors are nice people, and even if they're not, they're at least going to say "hello."

IV. OVERALL

It's not bad- as I said, the lovey-dovey beginning was a bit eurgh, but overall it was good!

Hope I helped- drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

I can't say much more than what's all ready been said, except that I got into this story too.

I just have to point out how similar Denial AND Daniel are. The E and the A are flip flopped. Neat*

I really like your few opening paragraphs Gives an easy understanding to the relationship between the couple.

We stood on carpet colored a puke shade and the walls stood a brilliant yellow. Windows were stationed everywhere, and when the late noon sun spilled in (maybe use a comma here? not completely needed but i had to read this sentence twice to understand it.) it created a more cheerful atmosphere. It was an illusion, though. A trick of the mind. The sunlight was but only temporary, and the sun would soon disappear into the horizon. The happy glow in the room was from the paint, and made it seem something it's not. (I love your description here! Really sets up the atmosphere for your story.)


But I couldn't. I was facing probably the most frightening realization that I might be sick, and I mean really sick. In a few moments, I would face a doctor and be told whether that was true or not. And the truth was that I didn’t want to know, because either way I’d tremble. Either way I’d be hurting. (I like your description of her emotions towards this. I don't really know why but I do.)


Daniel followed close behind, ready to give anything. He once said he’d give me the world if I asked. I remember asking him how he’d plan on doing so, and though we were just playing around, he looked seriously into my eyes and said some thing I’ll never forget.

“If you ever need something, I promise I’ll get it to you. You just name it. As long as you’re my angel on earth, I will always find a way for you.”

I was lucky to have him by my side now, and his presence was all I could ask for. I tried to focus on him instead of how long the hallway seemed to be, and how close the doctor's office really was. That made -->(remove me) the perspiration come even more, until I could feel it beading my forehead and making my breath come faster and harder. I didn’t notice I was panting and dizzy until someone came up behind Daniel and (make the "I" a "me), making me come back to my harsh reality.


[b]I really like what you have going here! Don't say it's a mess and needs corrections because I almost found it flawless! Maybe some nit-picky editors will find just a few things but above all i find it a great start and I definitely think you should continue with it
Happy writing!

<3 Sara.

Review time! Ok here we go.

***

Chapter 1- A Lovely Nightmare

Daniel swept in from behind and wrapped his arms around my waist.  I jumped, but he seemed highly amused and laughed as I turned around ready to beat the crap out of him.
In this line the thing that didn't sound right to me was the beat the crap out of him part. It didn't sound right to me.






I broke away to catch my breath and speak. "He should have been here by now." I looked around to the closed little door in the corner the room.  It was closed, and seemed to stare me in the face and say ‘Try me, Stella. Behind me is a nightmare you’re just waiting to see.’

At first I thought they were at home, and then you just kind of jump to a doctor's office.


"Hush, Stel.  Everything is going to be fine.  Just trust me on this one," he whispered close by my ear.  It tickled as his breath came onto it, like a gentle wind that sweeps by.  Daniel was known for giving a simple, sweet gesture just when I needed it.

I love your detail it is simply amazing in this.



We stood on carpet colored a puke shade and the walls stood a brilliant yellow.  Windows were stationed everywhere, and when the late noon sun spilled in it created a more cheerful atmosphere.  It was an illusion, though.  A trick of the mind.  The sunlight was but only temporary, and the sun would soon disappear into the horizon.  The happy glow in the room was from the paint, and made it seem something it's not.


Sounds just like a doctor's office.





"Stella, dear, you're relapsing. Your cancer is back." The only thing I'd been feeling was Daniel's clammy hand, and even that slipped from my grip. Everything fell away from me, the plush chairs, the huge desk, the doctor, Daniel, and was replaced by my swarming mind. Denial flashed before my eyes, but one thought stood out the most.


This really caught me it was so sad and I just knew that was going to happen.


I think that in this you should have them talking more. It is really descriptive but it kind of stops at that. It seems that was your main focus and your only one.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

This can't be happening to me again.[/quote]

Review time! Ok here we go.

***

Chapter 1- A Lovely Nightmare

Daniel swept in from behind and wrapped his arms around my waist.  I jumped, but he seemed highly amused and laughed as I turned around ready to beat the crap out of him.
In this line the thing that didn't sound right to me was the beat the crap out of him part. It didn't sound right to me.






I broke away to catch my breath and speak. "He should have been here by now." I looked around to the closed little door in the corner the room.  It was closed, and seemed to stare me in the face and say ‘Try me, Stella. Behind me is a nightmare you’re just waiting to see.’

At first I thought they were at home, and then you just kind of jump to a doctor's office.


"Hush, Stel.  Everything is going to be fine.  Just trust me on this one," he whispered close by my ear.  It tickled as his breath came onto it, like a gentle wind that sweeps by.  Daniel was known for giving a simple, sweet gesture just when I needed it.

I love your detail it is simply amazing in this.



We stood on carpet colored a puke shade and the walls stood a brilliant yellow.  Windows were stationed everywhere, and when the late noon sun spilled in it created a more cheerful atmosphere.  It was an illusion, though.  A trick of the mind.  The sunlight was but only temporary, and the sun would soon disappear into the horizon.  The happy glow in the room was from the paint, and made it seem something it's not.


Sounds just like a doctor's office.





"Stella, dear, you're relapsing. Your cancer is back." The only thing I'd been feeling was Daniel's clammy hand, and even that slipped from my grip. Everything fell away from me, the plush chairs, the huge desk, the doctor, Daniel, and was replaced by my swarming mind. Denial flashed before my eyes, but one thought stood out the most.


This really caught me it was so sad and I just knew that was going to happen.


I think that in this you should have them talking more. It is really descriptive but it kind of stops at that. It seems that was your main focus and your only one.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

This can't be happening to me again.[/quote]

Review time! Ok here we go.

***

Chapter 1- A Lovely Nightmare

Daniel swept in from behind and wrapped his arms around my waist.  I jumped, but he seemed highly amused and laughed as I turned around ready to beat the crap out of him.
In this line the thing that didn't sound right to me was the beat the crap out of him part. It didn't sound right to me.






I broke away to catch my breath and speak. "He should have been here by now." I looked around to the closed little door in the corner the room.  It was closed, and seemed to stare me in the face and say ‘Try me, Stella. Behind me is a nightmare you’re just waiting to see.’

At first I thought they were at home, and then you just kind of jump to a doctor's office.


"Hush, Stel.  Everything is going to be fine.  Just trust me on this one," he whispered close by my ear.  It tickled as his breath came onto it, like a gentle wind that sweeps by.  Daniel was known for giving a simple, sweet gesture just when I needed it.

I love your detail it is simply amazing in this.



We stood on carpet colored a puke shade and the walls stood a brilliant yellow.  Windows were stationed everywhere, and when the late noon sun spilled in it created a more cheerful atmosphere.  It was an illusion, though.  A trick of the mind.  The sunlight was but only temporary, and the sun would soon disappear into the horizon.  The happy glow in the room was from the paint, and made it seem something it's not.


Sounds just like a doctor's office.





"Stella, dear, you're relapsing. Your cancer is back." The only thing I'd been feeling was Daniel's clammy hand, and even that slipped from my grip. Everything fell away from me, the plush chairs, the huge desk, the doctor, Daniel, and was replaced by my swarming mind. Denial flashed before my eyes, but one thought stood out the most.


This really caught me it was so sad and I just knew that was going to happen.


I think that in this you should have them talking more. It is really descriptive but it kind of stops at that. It seems that was your main focus and your only one.

Keep Writing

-Flower-

This can't be happening to me again.[/quote]

First of all let me say that your outline of the story is great!! I have read two books that were about a girl with cancer so I know a little bit (in a way...) about it.

It was an illusion, though. A trick of the mind.

You can make those two sentence into one and get away with it. Maybe you could try it like:
It wan an illusion, though; a trick of the mind.

But I couldn't.

Never, ever, ever, ever, start a sentence with the word 'but'. Maybe you could change it to:
I couldn't stop worrying, though. It isn't the best example, but at least it doesn't start with 'but'.

Everything fell away from me, the plush chairs, the huge desk, the doctor, Daniel, and was replaced by my swarming mind.

You need to put a semi-colon after the word 'me' in the sentence.

Charicters: I think you should describe them more. Did the nurse have a distracting mole on her nose? Did Stella have short, curly blonde hair? Was the docter bald? We need to know these things to be able to picture what's happening in our head.

Scenary: You described the scenary good enough for us to picture it in our head, bu we also want to know what the hallway looked like, and what the docter's office looked like. We want to watch T.V. in our heads!!!

Overall: You did very well writing the story! I like the way you make Stella express her feelings and I love the outline of the story. I like your writing style an think that you should write some more.

Sorry about the evil face. I sometimes embarrass myself.
I'm also sorry if I ripped it to shreds. Maybe you could do that to one of mine sometime.