Pat

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yeah, so. this is my first post. be harsh though, plz, cuz i kinda have experience lol. so, yeah. thanx!
Chapter 1:
“Pat. Move. I can’t see.”
Pat turned around, raised a dark eyebrow so that it arched perfectly over his green, pool deep eyes. They bore into my own chocolate brown ones.
“What?” I yelled, starting to get uncomfortable.
Pat broke into laughter.
“What!” I demanded.
Pat laughed again. “Nothing. Just…your face….okay never mind.”
“Why did you give me that look in the first place, then?”
Pat gave me the look again, except he looked genuinely confused this time. His dark matted curls were actually pretty perfect looking, splayed across his round head. He didn’t have afro-like curls, he had the gorgeous type of curls that were short but curly in a guy way. “Oh, that? ‘Cuz you told me to move.”
I threw my hands up, palms upturned, giving my head one vigorous shake and said, “And?”
He shrugged. “I didn’t want to.”
I stared at him, my head titled, my eyes giving him that look, my mouth slightly open. “Wow, Pat. Okay.”
He smiled at me, medium-sized, perfect, flush red lips. His cheeks were nicely toned, not too thin so they stretched across his skin, but not puffy and round. Perfect. Boyish. Cute. Young, unlike Pat himself. Well, kind of. Pat was mature, but he looked a lot younger and more gorgeous than you’d expect if you just listened to his voice and what he was saying. His skin was a creamy olive color, a result of his Italian descent. Perfect, again. Gorgeous.
Pat had a voice that sort of made your heart melt and pretty much made girls throw themselves at their crushes. He could cover any song in the world, so long as he had his guitar and the lyrics in his hand. And he was wicked smart⎯not just academically, but wise too. He always knew the answer to everything, and what to do when. Sometimes I thought he was a vampire. Sometimes I thought he was Edward Cullen without the pale skin⎯instead, more perfect, beautiful skin that didn’t sparkle, thank God, ‘cuz real men don’t sparkle.
Other times, I considered Pat a mix between Edward Cullen and Jacob Black⎯Edward’s manners and chivalry, both of their beauty, Jacob’s skin color, and Jacob’s arrogance.
“Hey. Ebi. You still there?”
“Oh! Uh, yeah, I’m here.” Not. I’d zoned out trying to soak in all of Pat’s hotness, which of course, in turn, had earned me a Name Butcher⎯or, that’s what Pat and I called it. It was a game we played. When one of us zoned out, we got to butcher their name. Of course, Ebi wasn’t really that off from my actual name, Eboni, but still. Kind of annoying.
Pat smirked. “Am I too much for you? Should I cover up? I mean, I think I could get a space suit…”
“Pat! Shut up!” I smacked his arm, but I was grinning.
“Ow.” Pat rubbed his arm like a little kid, and then looked up at me. “All right girl, you asked for it. I herby challenge you to⎯”
But before the words could get out of his mouth and he could finish his declaration of war⎯or, pillow war in our case⎯I smacked him in the face with a couch pillow and he got a mouthful of fabric and covers.
“Agh!” His voice got muffled, and he yanked it out and stared me down. “I see how it is. You’re on then,” he spat, fake-mad, then grinned at me and hit me hard⎯not enough to hurt me, but enough for me to fall back a steps, then yank a pillow and smack him back. We started laughing, and a few minutes later, we were rolling around on the floor, trying to hit each other with a pillow, but we were laughing too hard to really do much damage to the other person. Suddenly, Pat rolled over so he was close to me and got up on his hands and knees. He hovered over me, and stared at me. Slowly, my laughs died out, and I stared at Pat’s face, trying to read it. His face was getting closer, and I was starting to feel his hot, minty breath on my face.
So sexy, yet something about it felt almost…dangerous. Best friends who fell in love and became couples usually were pretty happy, but their friendship would always be wrecked…which meant that as soon as they broke up, which was almost always inevitable, things could never go back to being the same as before.
And then, before I could think too much, Pat leaned in and closed up the rest of the space between us and suddenly his mouth was on mine…and everything else stopped, including my heart.

I woke up the next morning lying on a warm shag rug dressed in a white, oversized t-shirt that wasn’t mine. That scared me immediately, not being dressed in my own clothes. And then, all the events of last night came rushing back to me in one flow. It was like the thin twig that was holding the dam shut snapped and all the water, or, in my case, memories, flowed back into me. Most of the time, that would have overwhelmed me⎯but this time, I thought of everything, and I realized that everything I remembered was good. Everything Pat and I had done had felt so…right. Every single second.
I got up from the floor and headed down to the bathroom. Inside, I discovered I had a pair of blue-and-white pinstripe boxers on and no bra. Oh, boy.
After I’d ransacked Pat’s drawers and scavenged a new tooth brush and a half-full, crusty tube of Colgate, I sauntered into the hallway and back into the living room, finally finding my flannel pajama bottoms that I’d brought for our sleepover (Ugh, God, what were we thinking? Seriously? A sleepover? With a guy and a girl? Both of us straight? C’mon, really?) and slid them on. As I was putting on my own clothes and tugging a comb through my long auburn hair before tying it up, I started to smell something really good. Something like cinnamon with toast, bacon, eggs, and pancakes wafted from the tiny kitchen of Pat’s apartment and into his tidy little living room, where I was sitting, on his small couch, fixing my hair. I jumped up and sauntered over to where I sensed the smells were coming from and just as I stepped into the kitchen, Pat spun around, stepped into me, with a smile on his face, and kissed me.
“Hey, there, sleeping beauty. I was just about to wake you. How’d you sleep?”
I smiled back. “Fine, but. I, er…how much did we even sleep?”
He gave a sly grin. “Well, me? We were, uh, I’ll admit, a little busy for a while last night⎯” Pat paused, his smile went away, and a troubled look crossed his face. He scratched the back of his neck with his free hand that wasn’t holding a slightly greasy spatula. “Hey, Eb, I hope that was okay. You know, what we did last night. I just⎯I needed. I⎯” Pat paused and took a deep breath and finished, “ I just needed to express my feelings for you. And I…I didn’t know how else to, you know, express that to you with us being such good friends. I hope that was okay.”
I stared up into Pat’s gold-tinted eyes, which were deep and earnest and searching. What I felt for him had started out as a simple friendship, but I knew now just how badly in love I was with him. So I reached out and grabbed the collar of his clean polo shirt and pulled him towards me. “Pat. I love you. And last night? Well, we didn’t even go all the way but I can promise you that was the best night of my existence.”
Pat stared into my eyes, his mouth open slightly, eyes widened, looking extremely surprised, and then a slow smile crept onto his face. “Really?” he whispered.
“Without a doubt,” I grinned back.
He sighed in relief. “Well in that case, as I was saying…I didn’t get much sleep after that, but you…phew. You were knocked out, girl.” Pat smiled at me, and I smiled back. Little did I know how true the words I’d just exchanged with Pat, about last night being the best night of my existence were. I’d thought that as soon as we actually did make it all the way, I could tell him that I’d changed my mind⎯that was my new greatest night of my life. But I was wrong, so wrong it actually hurt. This is my story.
Last edited by Pozoe12 on Wed Apr 15, 2009 8:38 pm, edited 1 time in total.




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Helllo Pozoe!

Welcome to YWS!!! A few things, because you are new:

- Rate your work! This should be a PG 13 or R.

- For every post you must review two others. This shows in your review count, so you can't just say you did.:wink:

- Reviews have to be three lines or longer.

- No chatspeak! Here on YWS we write. Don't use chat speak please.

-Go to the Welcome forum and make a post there (Don't worry you don't have to do two reviews to post in the community forums) then everybody will explain everything YWS and answer all your questions.

Well, I won't do the nitpicks, just reread it for some needed comma's or other puncuation, grammer, errors. There weren't that many though. Good job on that!


:arrow: Description!

- You described Pat very well. Nicely done.

- You should describe Ebi, more. How she looks, why she and Pat are so close, etc. After all she is the MC (main character)

- Other than that, it was pretty good.


:arrow: [b] Overall{/b]

- Pretty interesting. You could add a bit more description to flesh it out though.

- Nice cliffhanger. It makes me want to read more... :)

- Reread it to fix all the nitpicks/small mistakes.

- Make sure to follow all the rules of YWS. You'll be a better member, be more known, and it will help you get more reviews.


Hope this helps! Feel free to PM me if you have any questions about YWS or my review. ^_^

~Stormy :D
"You know when you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."
~~~
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I love this story great use of writing




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I like your writing the type of writing where two bFFs fall inlove and turn into bf gf i love those kind of stories the beginnaing was great especially tat hot sexy kiss it spiced me up I wish the story was longer but this is a pretty good piece of wok i mean i didn't read the whole thing but over all it was super good




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The review below is rated as the story should be - PG-13. Just thought I'd let everyone know. ;-D

-

You have pretty good grammar, and only a few typos - which with a read-over or two will be quite taken care of. No, the real problem was the story itself.

A lot of these have been popping up lately - the really attractive guy hanging out with the boring and flat main character (female, usually), the latter of which is most often derived from the author herself. It starts (predictably) with the two of them talking, or joking around, and ends with them either sleeping together, making out, confessing their true and innermost feelings to each other, or all three. All three most commonly. The part the author misses most often is the story part. How many people, really, want to read about someone else's dirty day-dream? I don't. I am rather sick, in fact, of:

His dark matted curls were actually pretty perfect looking, splayed across his round head. He didn’t have afro-like curls, he had the gorgeous type of curls that were short but curly in a guy way.


and

He smiled at me, medium-sized, perfect, flush red lips. His cheeks were nicely toned, not too thin so they stretched across his skin, but not puffy and round. Perfect. Boyish. Cute. Young, unlike Pat himself. Well, kind of. Pat was mature, but he looked a lot younger and more gorgeous than you’d expect if you just listened to his voice and what he was saying. His skin was a creamy olive color, a result of his Italian descent. Perfect, again. Gorgeous.

Pat had a voice that sort of made your heart melt and pretty much made girls throw themselves at their crushes. He could cover any song in the world, so long as he had his guitar and the lyrics in his hand. And he was wicked smart⎯not just academically, but wise too. He always knew the answer to everything, and what to do when. Sometimes I thought he was a vampire. Sometimes I thought he was Edward Cullen without the pale skin⎯instead, more perfect, beautiful skin that didn’t sparkle, thank God, ‘cuz real men don’t sparkle.


It's disgusting, really; these guys who are nothing but perfect, from their perfect curly hair to their perfectly perfect feet. I mean, look at all the times you used perfect in just these paragraphs above. Perfect lips and perfect skin and a perfect voice. What's the fun in it? Why can't he have beige hair the texture and cleanliness of a horse's mane? Why can't his voice be high and squeaky? Why can't he have - as Peter Wimsey says - a silly face? Does he have to be intelligent, wise, smart, gorgeous, kind, and chivalrous? It's boring! Boring to us, and no challenge for you, either. The moment I read this, I thought, She's wasting all that talent that she could be using to make a really interesting character on 'gorgeous Pat.' Because you are. Pat - the only thing about him that isn't completely cliche is his name. Everything else, from his voice, to his beautiful Italian skin, is perfectly cliche.

Well, that's what we call a rant, cheri. Sort of. But on to my main point - you can do better. You can do much better than a story - if story it can be called - about two best best friends of the opposite sex sleeping over and making out and, next morning, confessing their true and sappy feelings for one another. Where's the pain, where's the excitement, where's the sadness? Where's anything that makes a story real; makes a story readable? I used to write like this too - in fact, not very long ago at all. And then my sister - Chern. She's on here. She kind of rocks the world with her coolness - told me how sick and boring I was being, how I was wasting any amount of talent I possessed. In short, my perverted stories were crashing bores.

So I cleaned up my act. I took all my nasty stories, and I either threw them right into my fancy digital trashbin, or I re-wrote them 'til they were entirely unrecognizable. No more perfect characters, no more ill-written sex crud.

And I like my writing so - much - better. Chern seems to, too.

There. I'd better get going before I turn completely into a lecturing mother-hen. I hope I gave you a little bit to think about. Stories are so much better when they're not based on things like Twilight and other such lit-porn.

PM me if you've got a question or two, won't you? =D

-SELA
Well, I can't eat muffins in an agitated manner. The butter would probably get on my cuffs. One should always eat muffins quite calmly. It is the only way to eat them.

--Algernon, The Importance of Being Earnest




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Gr8 job

COntinue.

Please.

(I chat speak all the time)
Don't tell anyone, but nobody likes you. Shhh!




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I really liked this. I was really good. I think you really captured their feelings well. And it's well written too. Only thing it, it's very cliched. Two best friends, one very average, who doesn't think she's good enough for her perfect guy best mate, who just so happens to be in love with her. It's sweet, it really is. But chiched. IF I were you, I'd try and change it, make it less chiched', add excitment and pain, and heartbreak.
My imaginary friend says that you have problems...

The waste basket is the writers best friend.

=]




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Basically, I agree with every word Sela said. Your writing is great, you have good description and pacing, and it flows very well. But your characters are . . . well, Pat, I guess, is completely uninteresting. The literary world is sick of perfect beings - we had enough of "perfection" with Edward Cullen and now most of us are reeling from the after effects - and your character being a mixture of Jacob Black and Edward Cullen disinterests us even more. Well, I should be fair and say that there are some people out there (Edward fans) that wouldn't mind having another perfect boy to daydream about, but perfection makes a character seem unreal. And frankly, Pat does seem unreal. Fake. A mix of Edward Cullen and Mary-Sue's male counterpart. And also, the supposed romance with the two friends spending the night together totally turned me off. Like, in two seconds.

And now that I've expanded on Sela's flaming rant, I shall stop. [/rant] :)

As I said before, your writing is pretty well balanced, it flows nicely, etc. But there are still some things for you to work on. :) PM me with any questions.

~Sunny




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I, too, agree with everything Sela had said.

Also, unless I missed this the three times I read over it (And reading it the fourth right now) How old were the characters?

It seems as though Pat has his own place, but he is mature, and they were just having a pillow fight?
Well I guess everybody could have a little fun now and then but you just made it seem like they were kids, and then let Pat live on his own. Seemed a little off to me


So sexy, yet something about it felt almost…dangerous. Best friends who fell in love and became couples usually were pretty happy, but their friendship would always be wrecked…which meant that as soon as they broke up, which was almost always inevitable, things could never go back to being the same as before.


Although I am not completely positive, shouldn't "they" be we?
It can be they too, but then you are just saying the same thing as you did in the sentance previous to it.
For example: Best friends who fell in love and became couples usually were pretty happy, but thier friendship would always be wrecked... Which meant that as soon as [best friends] broke up, which was almost inevitable, things could never go bac to being the same as before.

If you make it "we" though I think it would make a little bit more sense. Just my opinion of course.



And then, before I could think too much, Pat leaned in and closed up the rest of the space between us and suddenly his mouth was on mine…and everything else stopped, including my heart.


I have no idea if this is correct or not but in my opinion I would not have written it this way.
It seems a little redundant. "And everything else stopped, including my heart"

And we shipped everything to iceland, including the goods.

And I hate every kind of ice cream, including chocolate.

Get what I am saying? Not really a big deal but just putting it out there.


After I’d ransacked Pat’s drawers and scavenged a new tooth brush and a half-full, crusty tube of Colgate, I sauntered into the hallway and back into the living room, finally finding my flannel pajama bottoms that I’d brought for our sleepover (Ugh, God, what were we thinking? Seriously? A sleepover? With a guy and a girl? Both of us straight? C’mon, really?) and slid them on.


I think thoughts Hehe, I think thoughts. Hopefully this sentance will get more obvious later on should be in italics. I am pretty new to this rule too but that is what I was told.

Just a few other small things I am not going to bother listing.

Well other than all those tiny things and what Sela had said, nice job.

I started reading it and I had to finish and overall it was "Pretty perfect" Sorry, just had to remind you about the overusage of the word perfect. No wonder your alluding to twilight. Hmm, I wonder if I spelled "Alluding" correctly, probobly not.

Alright that was just a little reviewers joke, I will stop now.

Anyway, pretty good just work on what was said!

~Author-of-15
Check out my website for my projects, my store (To be developed) and forums for other upcoming authors. Get your works and projects reviewed at
www.Author-of-15.tk




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I agree with everyone here. Best friends falling in love with each other is so common for a story idea, that it's not even funny. I think that you giving some of Jacob's and Edward's traits for Pat makes you seem like a twilight fan. I've noticed that you use the word 'perfect' a lot, but there are other words than that! Our minds do not need the illusion of perfection, but overall it was very well written. Next time try not to base one of your characters on twilight and try to make flaws in Pat's character.




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Besides the reference to perfection and twilight book characters,
I enjoyed it ^^. Question though how old exactly are your characters? And I'd like to know more of how Ebony looks. I can almost picture Pat but not the girl.
I'll keep a look out to the continuation of this. good luck! :)
- Fear not for I will be there to hold you when the darkness comes.




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this is good. it needs more detail and an introduction paragraph that really pulls the reader in so they want to read. The beginning was a little boring. otherwise, it has a lot of potential good job.
"I thought we'd be dead at step one, so this is going great."



I don't do time.
— Liberty