random writing?

I'm starting my writing and wrote this as either a preview or just a fun, random story thing. It's obviously not done. Mostly I just wanted to have someone read my writing , so please help review or just enjoy.
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Chapter ?
(sorry but I have NO IDEA what I am supposed to call this O.o)
Title: ?


I woke to the the dead silence of the on-going night. The shadows of my room were still out and about, slowly creeping as if to prey on any light that had not been extinguished. Though not looking like it, it was actually 6:00am, time to get ready. My legs slowly cracked along the floor boards with each step, my body not yet used to the sensation of gravity. I slipped my sulking legs into a pair of straight leg jeans and grabbed the first random blouse I could find. Then, with the small amount of strength I still had, I lifted my monstrous book bag around my shoulders and made my way out my house's red, shutter doors.
My Grey garage door came up slowly, almost torturing me, as my arms gave way to the mercy of my backpack. a long *boom* echoed from the force of my bag while the burning silence crept on. No cars or dog walkers would be even thinking about coming into the streets this early, not in my neighborhood for that matter. My rusted, purple bike read my name Anna on it in black, faded sharpie right below the silver of the handlebar. It may have been the worst ride to have in the whole state of Michigan, but I was just excited to have anything to use in order to ride to school.You see, my house is a few long miles away from Clemens High, a walk in the winter to the dreaded place would probably be enough to stop you straight in your tracks from going anywhere.But, To my dismay I continued on to the frozen tundra of my dying neighborhood to come to the one event that frightens all: first day of school.

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I know that was like nothing, but that's what I want. I thought maybe if I just showed you a bit of the writing, you would be able to judge whether you want to hear more or not. I don't know, it may be stupid and it may not, but that's what I did. so please help tell me what i need to do overall. more description? less description? or anything!

Hello "eviltypewriter" : )

Welcome to YWS!

In regards to this piece of writing, I wonder if maybe it belongs somewhere other than Romantic Fiction, however, I don't know where the story is headed if you decide to continue it, so who knows!

Okay, just to be frank, this needs a little bit of work. I think you have a good idea working here, but there needs to be a little more detail and explanation. Why is she so weak? Why is the "grey garage door" torturing her? What is going on? : ) You get my point.

My Grey garage door came up slowly, almost torturing me, as my arms gave way to the mercy of my backpack.

Alright, I don't think you need to capitalize "grey," and once again, we need information of why it's torturing her? Is she lifting it??

a long *boom* echoed from the force of my bag while the burning silence crept on.

Capitalize the first letter of the sentence. I don't think you should use the cute little stars to emphasize "boom." Maybe try boom or even put it in quotations. It just looks better.

My rusted, purple bike read my name Anna on it in black, faded sharpie right below the silver of the handlebar.

This wording is kind of jumbled up and confusing. Maybe you could try something like "My eyes scanned across the faded letters of my name--Anna-- on my rusted, purple bike, right below the silver of the handlebar." I don't know, it seems like you tried to come up with a creative way to introduce the character's name, which is great--but try to make it more natural.

It may have been the worst ride to have in the whole state of Michigan, but I was just excited to have anything to use in order to ride to school.

Why is she excited to go to school?

But, To my dismay I continued on to the frozen tundra of my dying neighborhood to come to the one event that frightens all: first day of school.

Try not to start that sentence with "But." You could probably just omit that or replace it with "however." It just sounds better. Also, to better emphasize "first day of school," I would adjust the sentence to "the first day of school."

Okay, so overall, I honestly believe you could make something out of this. The suggestions I've offered are ones you could use or adjust to something preferrable to your own individuality. There isn't a lot for me to critique as far as your style of writing, but so far I think you're great! : )

Keep up the good work, I hope I helped!

Best of Luck,

FA

I slipped my sulking legs into a pair of straight leg jeans and grabbed the first random blouse I could find.

Hey! Okay, so first of all, I like this sentence, but I think you could add a bit more detail. Also, I think sulking legs sounds a bit awkward, but that's just my opinion. If you do decide to change it, maybe you could try sagging?

No cars or dog walkers would be even thinking about coming into the streets this early, not in my neighborhood for that matter.

Why is that? You need to add more detail.

My rusted, purple bike read my name Anna on it in black, faded sharpie right below the silver of the handlebar.

I like this sentence, especially how her name is written in sharpie (: that's pretty cool haha. Getting back to point, I think you need to replace some of the words, because it's a really boring sentence. Also, I'm kind of confused. Are you trying to say under the silver part of the handlebar? Because why would you write your name under your handlebar? Or, are you trying to say, under your SILVER(As in color) handlebar.

But, To my dismay I continued on to the frozen tundra of my dying neighborhood to come to the one event that frightens all: first day of school.

I agree with fallenangel, don't start the sentence with but. Just delete it, if you ask me (: It'll make the sentence stronger. I love how you used the word tundra. That's an awesome word (: haha.

So, overall I like this piece. But I think you should write more and expand it and add more detail to it. PM me when you post more (: if you do

I woke to the the dead silence of the on-going night.

I do not understand how someone could be awakened by silence. It would've been much better if you had Anna wake to her alarm clock or something.

Though not looking like it,

The sentence would sound much better if you had said "Though not seeming so,"

it was actually 6:00am. Time to get ready.

These should be two seperate sentences.

My grey garage door came up slowly

Unless you are using "Grey," as a pronoun, it should not be capitalized.

a long boom echoed from the force of my bag while the burning silence crept on.

"Boom" is better off italicized, and I do not think "Burning" is a good way to describe silence.

My rusted, purple bike read my name, Anna, on it in black,

There should be a comma after "Name" and another after "Anna."

faded Sharpie right below the silver of the handlebar.

I think it's rather cliche' to use real-like namebrand items in fictitious stories, and if you are to use them "Sharpie" should be capitalized.

You see,

Not needed.

the first day of school.

"The" should be added to this.

Overall: You're writing is okay. Not great, but okay. Maybe, since what is going on in the story right now is pretty bland, your skills do not really shine. There are plenty of grammical errors, so always check over your work before submitting it on here or showing it to other people. I don't know how long you have been writing, but I suppose this is an alright way to start off.

Hey TypeWriter ^^ I'm Shina and shall be your reviewer this afternoon.

I woke to the the dead silence of the on-going night.

Kind or ironic,don't you think? It sounds like the silence made her wake up when I think you're actually trying to say the MC woke up but everything around her was silent. You need to rephrase this to something like "My eyes struck open, welcomed by the deadsilence and emptiness of the night." I'm not really sure if that works, but I do know that there needs to be some rephrasing here.

The shadows of my room were still out and about, slowly creeping as if to prey on any light that had not been extinguished.

Nice description, but I don't think "extinguished" should be here. Makes it seem like you wanted to be fancy. Just use "put out" because it works just fine. You don't need to add any silver-lining to an already nice sentence.

Though not looking like it, it was actually 6:00am, time to get ready.

You said it was nighttime and now it's 6 a.m.? Also, at 6 am it's dark during the winter and fall.

My legs slowly cracked along the floor boards with each step, my body not yet used to the sensation of gravity. I slipped my sulking legs into a pair of straight leg jeans and grabbed the first random blouse I could find. Then, with the small amount of strength I still had, I lifted my monstrous book bag around my shoulders and made my way out my house's red, shutter doors.

If the house's red shutter isn't significant, you don't really need to take note of it. Also, no breakfast? No teeth-brushing? You could just say that she got ready for the day or something.

My gray garage door came up slowly, almost torturing me, as my arms gave way to the mercy of my backpack. A long boom echoed[i] from the force of my bag while the burning silence crept on.

"Grey" shouldn't be captalized, and it's spelled "gray" unless you're in the UK. The first sentence makes no sense. You say the garage door comes up slowly and then it tortures the MC, but it's actually the backpack.Two separate things, dearie
Also, "echoed" should be in italics since it's a sound. Nice description, though.

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Positives: Your descriptions are really nice and your hook is decent. You show rather than tell ^^ Score!

Negatives: Your descriptions are sometimes too long, and get confusing. Don't silver-line where it's not necessary. Don't use a lot of words to describe a little. Only write what's necessary.
Also, your storyline is very, very cliche. First day of school? As the beginning of the book? Used many times before, so you might want to add a twist to it. Also, I see no confict other than the cliche first day of school deal.

Just work on the things I mentioned and I think it could turn out into something fine ^^ Good luck!

-Shina

I honestly think this is a pretty good beginning for the first two chapters of a book...BUT!


Your first paragraph focuses on many irrevelant details; you should focus on the character more and try to establish why she is weak or you should describe what is in her room to show what kind of girl she is.
The second Paragraph Focuses on the characters surroundings and I suggest you try to establish what type of enviroment she is, but otherwise I like how you make me want to read more of the story, and that is what all writers strive for right ^^'?

Hey there, I do my critique in bold in the quote for a more thorough look through stories etc.

eviltypewriter wrote:
I woke to the the dead silence of the on-going night.<I get the feeling this is slightly ironic, but I shall go along with it anyway... The shadows of my room were still out and about, slowly creeping as if to prey on any light that had not been extinguished. <I really like the description in this sentence.Though not looking like it, it was actually 6:00am, time to get ready. You should consider the time of year when talking about the time of day - what would the outside be like? Would it be cold, or muggy? etc. My legs slowly cracked along the floor boards with each step, my body not yet used to the sensation of gravity. Why isn't this person used to gravity? Or am I being dense? I slipped my sulking legs into a pair of straight leg jeans and grabbed the first random blouse I could find. Then, with the small amount of strength I still had, I lifted my monstrous book bag around my shoulders and made my way out my house's red, shutter doors. I think your first paragraph is good. But it doesn't tell us anything about the character... I think you should work on bringing out the personality of the character more in this paragraph.
My Grey I don't think the 'G' on grey is really neccisary. garage door came up slowly, almost torturing me, as my arms gave way to the mercy of my backpack. A long boom echoed from the force of my bag while the burning silence crept on. No cars or dog walkers would be even thinking about coming into the streets this early, not in my neighborhood for that matter. My rusted, purple bike read my name, Anna, on it in black, faded Sharpie right below the silver of the handlebar. It may have been the worst ride to have in the whole state of Michigan, but I was just excited to have anything to use in order to ride to school. You see<I think this is really unnecisary, my house is a few long miles away from Clemens High, a walk in the winter to the dreaded place would probably be enough to stop you straight in your tracks from going anywhere.But, To my dismay I continued on to the frozen tundra of my dying neighborhood to come to the one event that frightens all: The first day of school.

Generally, I really like your style of writing. I am not intirely sure to be honest, but I love your description. I think you could improve it slightly here and there, but generally, very good. Although, sometimes they can be too long, but it hooks the reader to read on.

I think you should keep writing this, although I do not know what you will continue this with.

At the end of what you have posted, question really arise in the reader's mind... What's going to happen? Is it going to be a good day? Or a bad one? Will they meet some one new that's out of the ordinary? This really keeps the reader grasped in your story, which is good.

I wish you all the best!