A Single Flaw

Here is my fifth and final entry for Cal's Song Inspiration Contest. The song it is inspired by is Crushcrushcrush by Paramore, and the word is hamartia. Please, critique!

On the table there is only one candle, dripping with molten wax. The dim light casts dark shadows on Darren’s face, making him look like some sort of demented serial killer. The food in front of me is charred, rubbery, and in every way despicable, but I pick at it anyway, because Darren made it himself. The flowers in the middle of the table are already crisp and dry, because Darren forgot to put water in the vase. The music in the background is composed of whistling flutes and chiming bells, and it seems more appropriate for a spa than a date. Indeed, when I had arrived at Darren's house only ten minutes earlier, I had thought I was going to be receiving a massage. Instead, I had found this pathetic setup.
“Sorry,” Darren says as I choke on a piece of diamond-hard pasta.
“S’okay,” I sputter, chugging down my glass of water: the only part of the meal that isn’t completely revolting.
“So…” he begins, trying to start some sort of conversation.
“So, this is nice,” I lie.
“No. This sucks. I’m sorry I even attempted to cook dinner, and to arrange this whole thing myself. I'm just glad my parents went to a movie, or else my mom would be here laughing at this sad attempt of a date. This is awful.” He shakes his head at his meal, looking like a reprimanded child.
“It’s not. It’s great. You tried, and that’s what matters.” He raises his head, a grin tugging at the edges of his mouth.
“It’s the thought that counts, huh?” he smirks, making me laugh.
“It always is,” I say earnestly, and he stops snickering. Slowly, he leans across the table towards me, and I towards him. I close my eyes just a few seconds before our lips make contact.
“Ahhowch!” he yells, and my eyes fly open. Only, I can’t see a thing.
“What happened, Darren?” I ask the darkness in front of me.
“I, um, knocked the candle over. And I kind of burned myself in the process. Crap, I can’t see…” he mumbles, and I hear a few thuds as he presumably bumps into chairs and walls, trying to find the light switch. Finally, the lights come on, and I can see what happened. Hot wax is soaking through the tablecloth next to the toppled candle, and Darren is inspecting his singed hand. I burst out laughing.
“Is my clumsiness that funny?” he asks.
“Well, that too,” I say between fits of giggles.
“What else?”
“I find it funny that in every way, you are the ideal boyfriend. But your one tragic flaw is your inability to make a romantic evening, well, romantic.” Darren rolls his eyes, but laughs all the same.
“My one tragic flaw isn’t very tragic,” he states, sitting back down at the table.
“No, it isn’t, and that’s why you are so amazing.” This time, when he leans forward to kiss me, our lips meet without a problem.

Hiya there, Chips (do you mind if I call you that? =D), I have decided to review your piece for today . So, first off, I shall go through the whole thing, making [comments/suggestions] and edits or extra adding-ins, then I will go through the whole review with you at the end. So, here we go and I hope this helps you out!! =D

chipsandguacamollie wrote:Here is my fifth and final entry for Cal's Song Inspiration Contest. The song it is inspired by is Crushcrushcrush by Paramore [ooh, I know and love that song!! (: ], and the word is hamartia. Please, critique!

On the table there is only one candle, dripping with molten wax. The dim light casts dark shadows on Darren’s face, making him look like some sort of demented serial killer. The food in front of me is charred, rubbery, and in every way despicable, but I pick at it anyway, because Darren made it himself. The flowers in the middle of the table are already crisp and dry,[delete comma] [s]because[/s] as Darren forgot to put water in the vase. The music in the background is composed of whistling flutes and chiming bells, and it seems more appropriate for a spa than a date.
“Sorry,” Darren says as I choke on a piece of diamond-hard pasta.
“S’okay,” I sputter, chugging down my glass of water: the only part of the meal that isn’t completely revolting.
“So…” he begins, trying to start some sort of conversation.
“So, this is nice,” I lie.
“No. This sucks. I’m sorry I even attempted to cook dinner, and to arrange this whole thing myself. This is awful.” He shakes his head at his meal, looking like a reprimanded child.
“It’s not. It’s great. You tried, and that’s what matters.” He raises his head, a grin tugging at the edges of his mouth.
“It’s the thought that counts, huh?” he smirks, making me laugh.
“It always is,” I say earnestly, and he stops snickering. Slowly, he leans across the table towards me, and I towards him. I close my eyes just a few seconds before our lips make contact.
“Ahhowch!” he yells, and my eyes fly open. Only, I can’t see a thing.
“What happened, Darren?” I ask the darkness in front of me.
“I, um, knocked the candle over. And I kind of burned myself in the process. Crap, I can’t see…” he mumbles, and I hear a few thuds as he presumably bumps into chairs and walls, trying to find the light switch. Finally, the lights come on, and I can see what happened. Hot wax is soaking through the tablecloth next to the toppled candle, and Darren is inspecting his singed hand. I burst out laughing.
“Is my clumsiness that funny?” he asks.
“Well, that too,” I say between fits of giggles.
“What else?”
“I find it funny that in every way, you are the ideal boyfriend. But your one tragic flaw is your inability to make a romantic evening, well, romantic.” Darren rolls his eyes, but laughs all the same.
“My one tragic flaw isn’t very tragic,” he states, sitting back down at the table.
“No, it isn’t, and that’s why you are so amazing.” This time, when he leans forward to kiss me, our lips meet without a problem.

Last Minute Views
Well this was quite short, so I don't really have that much to comment on =P. However, the read was an enjoyable one and it would be great to see a bit more from it (: . I have a few tips you could take on board if you want to lengthen it out a bit:

--> Firstly, instead of springing straight into the event (the date), you could build up to it a bit, which helps us have more of an insight into your MC and her relationship and feelings with Darren, too.

--> Also, you could expand a little on their background. For example, where your MC says that Darren is 'the ideal boyfriend' try and show us how he is and why your MC thinks that.

--> Lastly, I'm gathering that they are at Darren's house? If so, where are his parents? Did your MC enter the house as it was at candlelight, with dinner on the table, or did she watch as Darren struggled to make the last-minute preparations for the meal, because your MC turned up too early? There are a number of situations that you could throw in to make this longer, and even adding in some memories about your MC and Darren's past will lengthen this also (:

--> This is a great little piece, but I just think that to improve this further it needs to be fleshed out more, more things added to it, so we're not thrown straight into the event of the evening, it gets built up. Don't get me wrong, I love it as it is, but I just think more needs to be added to make this more of a short story.

Great job, Chips and I hope this review helped you out!! (: If you edit this further or add more chapters to it, PM me as I'd love to carry on reading this story you have here. Also, if you have any questions or anything at all, please don't hesitate to PM me as I'm always more than happy to help .

Keep Writing!
-Lucyy xx

Hey =]

I love the song you've written this story too. It's by my favourite band - if you haven't guessed already from looking at my avvie lol

Anyways - back to topic.

I have nothing bad to say about this and I couldn't find any nit-piks at all, so well done on that.

I love how you portrayed Darren as a hopeless romantic and I really did sympathise with him. I could really imagine their disastrous date =] They seem like a really sweet couple.

Sorry for the non-helpful review, but I just wanted to tell you what a great job you did on writing this. Good luck in the contest, too!

xDudettex =]

This is a really nice, funny piece - it made me laugh, because it sounds a lot like what... someone I know would do. I like the voice of your character, and the piece flows very nicely. It's so good, in fact, I could see this becoming a novel - you have a nice idea, a nice couple - if you build on it, it has the potential to become an excellent book

Hi there! I loved this piece. Loved. It. I normally dislike romantic fiction very much, and dispise visiting the forum, but this piece is awesome! I didn't find anything to nit- pick, or to say about it except for make it a tad bit longer please .
Also! I love how the candle is the first thing you said in the story, then it came back to bite one of your characters in the butt later. That was hilarious.

I so rarely never have any nit- picks. That means this piece= pure grammar goodness! It has a great start and an awesome finish. Good job.

~April

P.S. submit this to the COMPLETELY EVIL PLAN! Seriously! Even Snoink wants you to. It's good, no, awesome enough, AND it isn't totally depressing! Perfect!

Thank you all so much! But I must ask, what's the Completely Evil Plan?

S’okay,” I sputter, chugging down my glass of water, which being the only part of the meal that isn’t completely revolting.

I close my eyes just a few seconds before our lips made contact.

Overall:
It's good to know that other people write short, quick stories based on their favorite songs aswell, but this story was only cute. Not remarkable, not great, but cute. I feel as though it could have been a whole lot better if you made it appeal to the reader's emotions. You could have possibly told of how how the MC and Darren met or the things they do together. If you fix it up, this story has great potential.

Hi there chips, I’m here and I’m gonna review, get used to it.

So first off, I love the song choice. I’m not generally a huge Paramore fan but the song is definitely a good one.

To be honest, there isn’t much to say about something this short. The situation is a cute one because it’s one I’ve been in multiple times. My boyfriend tries hard, he really does, but sometimes it just sorta flops. But no matter how bad the evening turns out, I still love him.

Anyway, you definitely captured that feeling of an awkward date sooo well.

~lilymoore

PS. Good luck on the contest.

it was very good you should keep up the good work i am right now working on a story I started a while back not sure if people would really take an interest in it but hey i've got to give it a try. There are so many good writers out there but I always wonder do they write just to write or do they write to someday they hope to be recognized do you someday hope to be recognized?

nice work. i couldn't get a lot of discription of the characters, so there wasn't much of a feel.
there were some grammer mistakes, but i hate correcting that kind of stuff...i find it boring. other than that the plot was great!
~Livi J.