Beach scene

We were walking on the shore of the beach. He was close to me, very close.
As we were walking he grabbed my hand. I loved it when he held my hand in his. He used to say that the spaces between my fingers were created so that another's could fill them in, his… However, even though it may have looked like we were together to the outside world, the sad thing was, we weren’t.
We used to go out, once upon a time, but now we were just best friends. Somewhere deep down I always hoped that we would get back together, but I knew it would never happen. He had so many girls running after him nowadays. He was barely ever single.

This new girl had only been with him for a week now.
I hadn’t seen him in ages. I missed him terribly. We told each other everything… well almost everything. All of a sudden I found my self on the sand. He had pulled me down. We were facing each other now.
“Hi," I told him.
He laughed. “Hey”
“I’ve missed you. I haven’t seen you for weeks and you only came today because I begged you to, you weren’t going to come,” I admitted.
“Yeah I know I’m sorry. It’s just these couple of weeks I’ve been very confused,” he said.
“Why is that?” I asked
“Well because yesterday I left my girlfriend, and I’m looking for a serious relationship with this girl. I don’t know how she feels about me, but I think I love her,” he said slowly
“Oh,” my face fell, “So who is she and when are you going to ask her out?”
“I’m not going to ask her out, I’m going to do something better, since you just gave me my answer,” he told me while pressing his lips against mine, finally kissing me.

Hi Elly! Pleasure to have you on the YWS!
Have you checked the Welcome Forum?!? If not, check it only on monday...

Anyways...let's review rhis.

Just a thing, I'm not a reviewer. I will just help you withe basics. If you really want serious reviews, click here and ask for a review. (The We Will Review For Food thread":P

Now, let the action start:

Description

The fist thing I noticed when I read you test was that it wasnt very descriptive. It looked swallow. I couldn't feel any sort of feelings. Itr's very simple and undetailed.

We were walking on the shore of the beach.

What more?

How was the sun?
How was he?
How did the main character felt?

These are all questions that you should have answered when you wrote this. The first paragraph is the more important one. It helps the reader to decide if he wants to keep reading the story or not.
You shouold re-write this piece! <---- Very important advice here!
I know I'm being harsh but you need to improve your writing skills and hat's probably why you are here...

He used to say that the spaces between my fingers were created so that another's could fill them in, his…

Last comma out please.


Composition

Being truly honest with you. This is for you growing as a writer:
You storu looks like it was written on a paper then that paper was taed into pieces. You found the pieces and decided to pull out some ones. Those pieces you took out , you post them here, by the order that you cought them.
The composition is very strange. It looks like pieces that don't stck together. Different pieces that can't "click".

All of a sudden I found [s]my self[/s] myself on the sand..

Hi Elly! Pleasure to have you on the YWS!
Have you checked the Welcome Forum?!? If not, check it only on monday...

Anyways...let's review this.

Just a thing, I'm not a reviewer. I will just help you withe basics. If you really want serious reviews, click here and ask for a review. (The We Will Review For Food thread":P

Now, let the action start:

Description

The fist thing I noticed when I read you test was that it wasn't very descriptive. It looked swallow. I couldn't feel any sort of feelings. It's very simple and un-detailed.

We were walking on the shore of the beach.

What more?

How was the sun?
How was he?
How did the main character felt?

These are all questions that you should have answered when you wrote this. The first paragraph is the more important one. It helps the reader to decide if he wants to keep reading the story or not.
You should re-write this piece! <---- Very important advice here!
I know I'm being harsh but you need to improve your writing skills and hat's probably why you are here...

He used to say that the spaces between my fingers were created so that another's could fill them in, his…

Last comma out please.


Composition

Being truly honest with you. This is for you growing as a writer:
You storu looks like it was written on a paper then that paper was taed into pieces. You found the pieces and decided to pull out some ones. Those pieces you took out , you post them here, by the order that you cought them.
The composition is very strange. It looks like pieces that don't stck together. Different pieces that can't "click".

All of a sudden I found [s]my self[/s] myself on the sand..

I got really confused when I read this.

Is she dreaming?
Is she remembering something from the past?
Is it really happening?
How did she get there?

Like I already told you, description is very needed. I can't undestand the story at all!

Fisrt you say that they are in the beach.
Then they are best friends.
Then he as a girlfriend , probably in school.
Then they are in the beach.
Lovey-dovey in the end...

But this pieces are nice, but they don't conect. You don't explain how this happends.
Have day passed? Maybe months?
Re-write thi all.
Seriouly.
It's very confusing and raw.
ASk a instructor to help you deeply.

I know I'm acting like a b*** but this is good but it needs to be polished and worked.

Sorry for my crappy review...
I hope you can make the best of this!

Keep going, do not gave up!

PM if you need anything.

Best wishes

Shuani^^

Wow! *stares at computer screen* Shauni reviewed fiction! *throws blue confetti*
Anyway, hi elly! Welcome to YWS, dear. As Shauni, has mentioned, only check the Welcoming forum on Monday. There's a war going on.
Anyway, Shauni has given you a very good review, but I will try to get something more for you

Grammar and punctuation

He was close to me, very close.
As we were walking he grabbed my hand. I loved it when he held my hand in his.

The comma on the first sentence doesn't work. I would advise you to trade it for a period. That way you get a really dramatic effect, and can add something to this.
Comma after 'walking', on the second sentence. 'I loved it...' The 'it' is not needed. It can just be: 'I loved when he held my hand in his'.

He used to say that the spaces between my fingers were created so that another's could fill them in, his…

As Shauni has said, the comma isn't needed, but with out any punctuation, it would sound bad, so put a period.

However, even though it may have looked like we were together to the outside world, the sad thing was, we weren’t.

Excellent punctuation, dear!

Somewhere deep down I always hoped that we would get back together, but I knew it would never happen. He had so many girls running after him nowadays. He was barely ever single.

Comma after 'somewhere0 and 'down'. Comma before 'nowadays'.

We told each other everything… well almost everything.

Comma after 'well'.

He laughed. “Hey”

Instead of a period but a comma, before hey, and a period after hey. Like this: He laughed, "Hey."

Description and emotion (imagery)

As Shauni has mentioned, you haven't got much here. My most helpful advice here, is not to rewrite the whole thing. Just correct the mistakes, and make it longer. Kick more description in!
She must have felt bad, when he told her he was in love with someone. And how could he just guess that she liked him too? Expand the dialogue. Dialogue is important, so that we can know more about the characters. Also, inner thoughts can help too. Tell us exactly what she thought, but don't forget to put in italic.
Also, describe the beach. Beaches are beautiful Was it at sunset? What was the soundtrack? Seabirds or waves? How did the hot sand felt on her feet? Also, body language! Is important. Did he shiver when he told her he broke up with his girlfriend?
Names would be nice too

And that's it, dear! Above all these things, this has much potential! You just have to develop it
Also, I have a WRFF thread (Will Review For Food). Just click on the link on my signature, if you want a review

PM me if you have any questions!
*Kat*

Welcome to YWS! I'm Kaila, nice to meet you. (:

I'm not going to nitpick because the others got the grammar mistakes, but as the others have said, the main problem with this is that it is lacking a lot. It's a very cute scene that could be done really well, but I want more of... well basically everything. I want more descriptions, more emotions, more dialogue... you get the point.

Although it can be very fun to write a love scene, you have to make sure it's realistic. Ok, so they are friends... but if she begged him to come see her, why would he be the one who though he was in love? And would he really be that forward, or a little nervous too. And he just pulled her down onto the sand and she didn't think a thing of it? Did she suspect it would be her at all? Give more details.

Basically try to flesh this out way more. It has potential to be really cute, though.

PM me if you have any questions.

It was a beautiful story you seem to really be into writing stories like this can I ask you a few questions? What got you into writing? Can you see yourself with a book on a shelf someday? Is writing something you would like to do for a long period of time? Sorry if you feel I am bombarding you with questions.

hi babymagic18

well what got me writing was my cousin, mimimac. She always was writing stories and sending them to me and for once I just wanted to send her one story of my own. So I started to write a short story xD not that I'm really good

I would love to have a book published but I know it will never happen since I'm not a very good writer but I came on this site so i can get better and maybe have a book I've written myself.

I only write when I'm bored and I have inspiration for a story. Sometimes I spend hours on a story just a rough draft and sometimes i won't feel like doing anything xD

Don't worry about asking all these questions, I don't mind. Just don't take everything from me because I'm not very good at writing.

Hope I helped you in some way xD