Accidental Exposure

Hello! Again, this is posted in Fictionpress. But it's under the name NJ Collins, my other account. Yes, I know it's long but please bear with me? ^^ And because it's long I will grant extra points to those who bothered to critique.

Title: Accidental Exposure


Genre: Romance/Humor


Summary: When Claudia Simons goes skinny dipping with her friend Layla, she didn't expect Layla to run away with her clothes and their towels. Stuck in the pool naked, she asks for help from a passerby. She didn't know that said passerby was billionaire Raziel Giovanni, who the paparazzi are particularly chasing due to a scandal involving a pregnant ex-girlfriend...Uh-oh.


Start

I stood in the pool, completely and utterly stunned at the stunt Layla had just pulled.

At least it was early morning. Could I risk getting out of the pool naked? It was five AM. It wasn't like there was going to be anybody roaming the grounds near the pool to see me, an eighteen year old college freshman, running around without any clothes on.

I twitched, remembering how Layla ran away with my clothes and our towels, laughing like crazy. I never should have agreed to go skinny dipping with her.

It was just a short run. I was going to make it without anybody seeing me, right? Just as I was about to run out of the pool butt naked, an old man jogged by. Thank goodness I didn’t get out. But now I was stuck there…waiting…and as time would fly by, I knew more and more people would pass. Some might even want to use the pool.

I pushed away the strands of reddish brown hair that fell across my face and frowned. When I got my hands on Layla she was going to regret stealing my clothes and my towel.

Should I try getting out again?

If I got out of the pool, one of our classmates might see me. After all, we came to this resort to bond as a class.

Jeez, I shouldn't had joined this vacation.

Okay, the only way I could get out would be to get some help. But from whom? I couldn't just ask ANYONE who passed by.

I drew up a criteria:

1.) Must NOT be any of my classmates from the University

2.) Must NOT be over forty years old. Don’t want to give anyone a heart attack.

3.) Must NOT be a chaperone.

I mean, I was - and am - Claudia Simons - the straight A girl who never got into trouble! Well, I did really but they just never caught me in the act. I could only imagine their faces if they found me naked in the pool of the Blue Richards Beach Resort.

So I sat in the pool getting wrinkled. Finally, about fifteen minutes later, a man passed by. He was wearing a white polo shirt and some shorts, so I assumed he was about to go on an early morning jog. He was about five years older than me. He should understand where I’m coming from, right?

“Hey!” I called. “You!”

He stopped walking and glanced at me, surprised. He pointed to himself as if to ask, me?

“No, I mean the rock beside you.” I answered sarcastically.

He frowned, picked up the rock and threw it at me. It would have hit me squarely on the head too if I didn’t dive underwater.

I emerged out of the water, making sure to keep most of my body underneath, and shook away the water in my eyes. I glared at him. He laughed at me.

“Okay fine, I’m sorry! I meant you. Will you please help me?” I pleaded. I couldn’t stand it any longer.

He came over with a serious look on his face. “I thought you wanted to talk to the rock.”

“No, I want to talk to you, okay? Look, I know it’s crazy but my best friend stole my clothes. I need you to get a towel for me.” I said, staring into his green eyes in an attempt to make my point. “Please?”

“Why don’t you get it yourself? You’re wearing a swimsuit, aren’t you?”

I looked away. “Uh…Not exactly.”

He snickered. “Playing bad girl, huh? Tsk tsk. You should be thankful you’re adorable or I wouldn’t even help you.”

I hated people who took things at face value. But I didn’t chastise him. I’d do that later, when he got me my towel.

“So please?”

He snorted, walked over to a stall where new towels were stacked, took one and handed it to me.

“Thank you.” I took it, careful to keep it dry. I waited for him to leave.

He stayed, smiling at me. “You’re adorable, you know that?”

“Yes, you already told me. Thank you for the compliment.”

“How long are you staying here?”

“About a month.”

He continued to look at me, smiling.

"I guess I'll be seeing plenty of you then."

Oh God. Of all the people who happened to pass by, it had to be a pervert. I cleared my throat and looked away. He snickered and raised his hands palms up.

Once he turned around I got out of the pool and quickly used the towel to cover myself, running out of there like crazy.

And he checked out of the hotel and that was the end of that.

Ha. I wished. No, not true. Because when I arrived in the room I shared with Layla, she was talking on the phone with someone.

“I swear it was Raziel Giovanni! Yes, as in the billionaire heir to Giovanni Corp. No, I’m not screwing you! Okay, fine you want a description? I’ll give you one. He’s got black hair, kind of messy but neat in a strange way. No, it wasn’t jet black. It’s true when they say it’s got a purplish hint to it. It’s weird but cute. Anyway, his eyes were a crystal clear green color. I didn’t use the internet! I mean, duh, I know who he is. But…I swear I saw him!"

That was a very familiar description. I felt my stomach knot itself as I gathered some of my clothes from my suitcase. Raziel Giovanni? Was I on Punk'd or something?

Raziel. Freaking. Giovanni. Paparazzi tailed that guy like crazy! If they had followed him around in this resort...and taken a picture - or worse, a video - of him talking to me, a naked girl in the water...

Naked girl in water + Hot Playboy Billionaire Heir + Wee Hours of the morning + Media = Dead Claudia

"Oh and guess what? He’s going to stay here for the rest of the month as an escape from the paparazzi! I know, isn’t it awesome? I have the best luck in the world! I can't wait to tell Claudia! She'll be so excited!”

I stared at Layla in dumbfounded belief. I had been hoping he would check out this afternoon…But an entire month? In the same resort?

Excited wasn't really the word for what I felt. Maybe horror. Or terror. Or heart-stopping, gut-wrenching fear.

“Oh hey Claudia. Did you just hear what I said? Amazing, isn't it? I saw him on the way back to our room."

Haha! Wow. I liked this.
It reminds me of something I would do...
Minus the talk to some famous hot rich guy.
Haha.

Okay, well, this was really well written, in my opinion. I don't think I saw any grammatical or spelling errors, but I was so emersed in the story I wasn't really paying attention.
In my opinion, one thing you need to work on is a bit more emotion. There's plenty of sarcasm--got to love sarcasm--and ironic thinking, but you need more actual emotion. For example, when she was about to get out of the pool and an old man walked past, you pretty much just said, "thank goodness" and left it at that.
Try adding a bit more feeling.
You said: "Just as I was about to run out of the pool butt naked, an old man jogged by. Thank goodness I didn’t get out."
Why don't you try something like:
"Just as I was about to run out of the pool butt naked, an old man jogged by. I felt a wave of relief go through my body as I thanked myself for not getting out."
Something like that. Obviously that doesn't have to be it, I mean, it is your story, after all, but keep emotion in mind.

Other than that, I think it's pretty good.
Since this seems like you're going to add more to it, do me a small favor and let me know when you get the next chapter up. =D
-Phantomofthebasket-

Hey there Kara!

You've got a promising story here! Things can really go any way!
A few things here and there that I picked up on, but nothing major!

Jeez, I shouldn't had joined this vacation.

The word "vacation" doesn't seem to fit in well. It may just be because in South Africa we don't really use the word "vacation". I think changing it to "Jeez, I shouldn't have gone on this vacation." would increase the flow just a bit more.
Also, it should be "have" not "had".

I mean, I was - and am - Claudia Simons - the straight A girl who never got into trouble!

Again, the flow of the sentence is broken. This time by the hyphens. I'm a big fan of using hyphens, but I'm not an expert on when you should and shouldn't use them. I think it might work better like this:
"I mean, I am Claudia Simons, the straight A girl who never gets into trouble!" (You may want to check on that though)
"the straight A girl who never got into trouble!" I'm not sure why, but this sentence doesn't seem right to me. Is she still the straight A girl? Then it should be:
"the straight A girl who never gets into trouble" or
"... who has never gotten into trouble"

I twitched, remembering how Layla ran away with my clothes and our towels, laughing like crazy.

That made me smile, because the "twitch" reminded me of when the characters in Pokémon twitch - they always developed a little sweat drop on the back of their head! And a less than impressed look on their face.

Should I try getting out again?

This is present tense and although it's the MC's thoughts, you've been writing in past tense until now.
I was always under the impression that a characters thoughts still have dialog "tags", like:
Should I try getting out again? I thought
Again, I could be wrong about that.
You could also change it to:
I wondered whether I should try getting out again
It's up to you though.

He snorted, walked over to a stall where new towels were stacked, took one and handed it to me.

If the towels were on a stall close enough for Claudia to see him get to it, then why didn't she just make a run for it? Rather make him disappear for a while and then come back with a fresh towel.

Yes, as in the billionaire heir to Giovanni Corp.

Cut the "billionaire" part. It makes the word "heir" difficult to read, and interrupts flow.

Ha. I wished. No, not true. Because when I arrived in the room I shared with Layla, she was talking on the phone with someone.

You can use the phrase "I wish!" but it doesn't work as well in past tense.
If I were Claudia, I wouldn't just walk into the room. (her best friend just left her naked in a pool and she had to ask a stranger to help her) I'd storm in, shouting and maybe cussing! Claudia seems too at peace with the idea.



Characters:

This is just the beginning, so I don't expect fully developed characters. I honestly can't find any flaws in them. I think Claudia's flaw is that she's too trusting. She trusted a strange man to get a towel for her? And she didn't expect her friend to steal her clothes? (When I say flaw, I mean it in a good way! Your character isn't perfect and that's nice to read about.)

Plot:
Can't wait to find out what happens with the heir to the Giovanni fortune and little old Claudia!

Overall:

It was a good read, despite the flow of the story that gets broken from time to time. It read a bit like "Bridget Jones", plenty of humour and a dash of the unexpected!

Keep me posted if you write more!

~ Terpsichore ~

Grammar:

[spoiler]Red = My corrections.
Purple = My Suggestions.
Small Purple = My comments.
Italics = What I’ll be commenting on.
[s]Strikethrough[/s] = Omit
¶ = I started new paragraph.

I stood in the pool, completely and utterly stunned at the stunt Layla had just pulled.

At least it was early morning. Could I risk getting out of the pool naked? It was five AM. It wasn't like there was going to be anybody roaming the grounds near the pool to see me, an eighteen year old college freshman, running around without any clothes on.

I twitched, remembering how Layla ran away with my clothes and our towels, laughing like crazy. I never should have agreed to go skinny-dipping with her.

It was just a short run. I was going to make it without anybody seeing me, right? But just as I was about to run out of the pool butt naked, an old man jogged by. Thank goodness I didn’t get out. Now I was stuck there, though – waiting – and as time would fly by, I knew more and more people would pass. Some might even want to use the pool.

I pushed away the strands of reddish brown hair that fell across my face and frowned. When I got my hands on Layla, she was going to regret stealing my clothes and my towel.

Should I try getting out again?

If I got out of the pool, one of our classmates might see me. After all, we came to this resort to bond as a class.

Jeez, I shouldn't have joined this vacation.

Okay, the only way I could get out would be to get some help. But from whom? I couldn't just ask ANYONE who passed by.

I drew up a criteria:

1.) Must NOT be any of my classmates from the University

2.) Must NOT be over forty years old. Don’t want to give anyone a heart attack.

3.) Must NOT be a chaperone.

I mean, I was - and am - Claudia Simons - the straight A’s girl who never got into trouble! Well, I did really, but they just never caught me in the act. I could only imagine their faces if they found me naked in the pool of the Blue Richards Beach Resort.

So I sat in the pool getting wrinkled. ¶

Finally, about fifteen minutes later, a man passed by. He was wearing a white polo shirt and some shorts, so I assumed he was about to go on an early morning jog. He looked about five years older than meso he should understand where I was coming from, right?

“Hey!” I called. “You!”

He stopped walking and glanced at me, surprised. He pointed to himself as if to ask, ‘me’?

“No, I mean the rock beside you.” I answered sarcastically.

He frowned, picked up the rock and threw it at me. It would have hit me squarely on the head, too, if I didn’t dive underwater.

I emerged out of the water, making sure to keep most of my body underneath, and shook away the water in my eyes. I glared at him. He laughed at me.

“Okay fine, I’m sorry! I meant you. Will you please help me?” I pleaded. I couldn’t stand it any longer.

He came over with a serious look on his face. “I thought you wanted to talk to the rock.”

“No, I want to talk to you, okay? Look, I know it’s crazy, but my best friend stole my clothes. I need you to get a towel for me.” I said, staring into his green eyes in an attempt to make my point. “Please?”

“Why don’t you get it yourself? You’re wearing a swimsuit, aren’t you?”

I looked away. “Uh…Not exactly.”

He snickered. “Playing bad girl, huh? Tsk tsk. You should be thankful you’re adorable or I wouldn’t even help you.”

I hated people who took things at face value. But I didn’t chastise him. I’d do that later, when he got me my towel.

“So, please?”

He snorted, walked over to a stall where new towels were stacked, took one, and handed it to me.

“Thank you.” I took it, careful to keep it dry. I waited for him to leave.

He stayed, smiling at me. “You’re adorable, you know that?”

“Yes, you already told me. Thank you for the compliment.”

“How long are you staying here?”

“About a month.”

He continued to look at me, smiling.

"I guess I'll be seeing plenty of you then."

Oh, God. Of all the people who happened to pass by, it had to be a pervert. I cleared my throat and looked away. He snickered and raised his hands palms up.

Once he turned around I got out of the pool and quickly used the towel to cover myself, running out of there like crazy.

[s]And[/s] He checked out of the hotel, and that was the end of that.

Ha. I wished. No, not true. Because when I arrived in the room I shared with Layla, she was talking on the phone with someone.

“I swear it was Raziel Giovanni! Yes, as in the billionaire heir to Giovanni Corp. No, I’m not screwing you! Okay, fine you want a description? I’ll give you one. He’s got black hair, kind of messy, but neat in a strange way. No, it wasn’t jet black. It’s true when they say it’s got a purplish hint to it. It’s weird, but cute. Anyway, his eyes were a crystal clear green color. I didn’t use the internet! I mean, duh, I know who he is. But…I swear I saw him!"

That was a very familiar description. I felt my stomach knot itself as I gathered some of my clothes from my suitcase. Raziel Giovanni? Was I on Punk'd or something?

Raziel. Freaking. Giovanni. Paparazzi tailed that guy like crazy! If they had followed him around in this resort...and taken a picture - or worse, a video - of him talking to me, a naked girl in the water...

Naked girl in water + Hot Playboy Billionaire Heir + Wee Hours of the morning + Media = Dead Claudia

"Oh and guess what? He’s going to stay here for the rest of the month as an escape from the paparazzi! I know, isn’t it awesome? I have the best luck in the world! I can't wait to tell Claudia! She'll be so excited!”

I stared at Layla in dumbfounded disbelief. I had been hoping he would check out this afternoon…But an entire month? In the same resort?

Excited wasn't really the word for what I felt. Maybe horror. Or terror. Or heart-stopping, gut-wrenching fear.

“Oh hey Claudia. Did you just hear what I said? Amazing, isn't it? I saw him on the way back to our room."
[/spoiler]

So you definitely don't have a poetic story going, but I actually really liked it. Claudia's personality really shines through, and it's definitely a story more focused on thoughts than actual actions.
Like, we get very little cause, but a lot of effect... not a bad thing, btw.
One thing I will say, though... You got the thoughts down, but you could do with a little more emotion.
In general, though, I really enjoyed reading this, and I'm curious to find out what happens next.

your writing is really something...I guess it's new to me I've never read a story on something so how should I say? (different). overall it was good.

Kara,

Hello again, me once more.


Quote:
I stood in the pool, completely and utterly stunned at the stunt Layla had just pulled.
Word play. “Stunned” – “stunt” = no. Substitute first?

Quote:
But now I was stuck there…waiting…and as time would fly by, I knew more and more people would pass.
“as time flew by”

Quote:
When I got my hands on Layla she was going to regret stealing my clothes and my towel.
Comma before name.

Quote:
Jeez, I shouldn't had joined this vacation.
Have.

Quote:
I couldn't just ask ANYONE who passed by.
Consider: any passerby


Quote:
I mean, I was - and am - Claudia Simons - the straight A girl who never got into trouble!
I don’t like the was/am. Boring and hurts the eyes.


Quote:
3.) Must NOT be a chaperone.
Consider cutting period?


Quote:
Excited wasn't really the word for what I felt. Maybe horror. Or terror. Or heart-stopping, gut-wrenching fear.
Ha.

Quote:
I stared at Layla in dumbfounded belief.
Disbelief?


***

Well, that’s what you’re getting as far as line-by-line is concerned. Now onto the more interesting stuff.



Introduction

Opening sentence – lovely, with the exception of the highlighted words. Those are just two similar, and give off an awkward, or perhaps not awkward, but /something/that is just not good. But as openings go, very nice.

Then on we have the second paragraph, which start I like so so, and end I adore. Last sentence of that paragraph? Brilliant. But then this I don’t like:

Quote:
At least it was early morning. Could I risk getting out of the pool naked? It was five AM.

Those three sentences up above just don’t connect. They float aimlessly, and are rather irritating. What has sentence A to do with sentence B? And then we go back to A. In some situations a certain lack of – rhythm, so to say – are by all means fine. Here, no. Just throw off.

I expect to see the quoted transformed into something matching the rest of the terrific introduction.



Naked?! Oh em gee. Reactions.

Basically, emotion. The MC is trapped in a pool, naked, which is not very funny. It’s dramatic, melodramatic even. And while we as the readers can follow the MC’s trail of thoughts – I’d also like to see more reaction in terms of emotion and body language.
Of course, she does not necessarily have to be panicking. She can continue to be relatively calm, whatev. But show that – sho-o-o-ow – in her action. Let us know what she is feeling. Is she biting her nails? If not, then perhaps state why. Is she moving around restlessly? Is she fighting back mentioned panic? Is she agitated? Taking deep breaths? Hyperventilating? etc., etc.



Where am I?

I don’t know, not really. And if I do, it’s in a very vague sort of way. Resort, pool, class, Blue Richards Beach Resort. Not too many details, really.
I’d like that sense of setting to be improved. I’d like to be able to sort of move around there, you know? I’m not advising info dumps, no, but a craftily added detail here, another one there… Large pool? What’s around the pool? etc. How far is it to her room? A towel, any towel at all?
Give me that sense of her surroundings. I need it.



Criteria
Read: Humor
Nice, very nice, I liked it and it put a smile on my face. I’ve never been too good with coming up with that myself, so I do appreciate it in someone else’s writing. Beware, though. The fact that you started this story in a certain style means that it will be expected that you continue in it.



/Him/

In dialogue I liked him. But the way he was introduced, in terms of the walking by? No. Perhaps it’s more of paragraph structure than the character itself, but there you have it. That whole part was just floating around, so sudden in not so good a way.

It’s more her fault anyone. Have her fret a bit, stew a bit, and then have him pass by. Not: a few minutes passed and he appeared.

He snorts, he snickers, he smiles and speaks. In dialogue, I said, I liked him. I understand that at this phase, that is all we’re getting – no name, no description of him. And good, mysteries rock. But then you have to figure out a way to make him more three dimensional, and ignite that spark of life element. Flare, blare, whatever. Give him a bit more substance.



Claudia

Definitely a character I can relate to; funny, lovable, so to say.
What I disliked is the way she described herself – the quoted am/was, and then the straight A. I have nothing against straight As, nothing whatsoever. But I don’t like how it was portrayed. Her image is wobbly. She’s wobbly in my eyes. That whole paragraph just doesn’t do it for me. It was boring, and crashing two separate personalities in a matter of two sentences and striving for an immediate effect – no. And it wasn’t funny at all.

Claudia hates people who take face at value. Okay. Fine… I guess. Hmm. She could have said, “I’m for world peace, blah blah”. See, that sounded like a Miss Sthing contestant answer. It didn’t make me feel any warmer to her. Alienated me a bit, if anything. States something horribly horridly positive-important, and then zooms off to something else. Please, no?

Other than that, I’d like to see more emotion and body language in her.



Miscellaneous (maybe I’ll learn to spell the word)
- Dialogue punctuation. I flee.
- The friend only in trouble? Labeled: reactions.
- Perhaps emphasize that it’s because it’s early morning that not so many people would be up and about?
- Mention for how long she'll be staying, with her class, to clash with his month?


Esme