Dark before day

I knew it would kill me on the inside if he ever left me. But I never knew exactly how much. I knew this day would come, but it came too quickly. I walked past him. My eyes on the ground. He was looking at me. Obviously sorry for what he did. But it was too late. I knew he moved on. I guess I knew it for a while, but I never wanted it to be true. I can still hear the screams and the crys that are coming from the inside. He grabbed my arm and turned me around.
"Sarah. I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you." I looked at him.
"You didn't hurt me." You killed me. I thought silently. I didn't want to give myself a way. Sam will be here soon to 'talk' to me.I may end up dead any way so it doesn't matter.
"Please don't lie to protect me. I know I have hurt you."
"You haven't hurt me. I'm Not protecting you at all."If I could cry I know I would have.I had to get home. Sam only wants me. The sooner I get home the better.
"Sarah..." I just walked a way. I needed to get home and I didn't care what he had to say. I get to my car and rushed to my house. I got out of the car and was a ready at the front door and opening it. As I walked inside I saw Sam... sitting on the couch. Looking like he was in his own house.
"Hello Sarah." I just looked around.
"Where are my brothers?" Sam stood up and was right in front of me.
"I told you I will get my revenge." He smirked and I smelt the blood of my dead brothers.
"W-What did you do?" I asked shakily.
"Killed them. I told you I would find you and I told you I would get revenge." He smirked at me and I couldn't help but smell the fresh blood.
"You smell them don't you? They all should have died along side your mother. She never should have created them. When she created you that was enough of us in the world." I was shaking with anger.
"Why did you do that?" I could hear the strain in my voice to keep myself from attacking him. And I'm sure he could too. I clenched my fist and he moved closer to me.
"Please don't be so mad angel. I can't help but be close to you. I love you Sarah." I looked up at him. My eyes burning red. "Sarah calm down."
"No! I will not calm down! Why did you kill them?" I wanted to hit him but I knew that would make things worst. She reached my height. Lowering himself down a few inches. I glared at him.
"Don't be mad my love. I wont hurt you."
"I am more afraid what I will do to you that will lead to what you will do to me..." He laughed at me and sat back on the couch.
"Why are you here?"
"I told you. For revenge."
"For not loving you when you loved me? For my brothers protecting me when I needed it? For scaring your heart when I left? I think you are getting your revenge. My love left me yesterday." We both hear a knock on the door.
"Sarah! It's me Patrick! I wanted to talk to you about what I said at school!"

Hey, Untitled! (Yikes, that sounds weird.) Do you have a nickname? I'm Sunny. Welcome to YWS! I'll do my best with this.

I knew it would kill me on the inside if he ever left me.(So, this opening line isn't the strongest. Either do: I knew it would hurt if he ever left me, or I knew it would kill me if he ever left me. One or the other. But I never knew exactly how much.
NP>> I knew this day would come, but it came too quickly. I walked past him, my eyes on the ground. He was looking at me, obviously sorry for what he did. But it was too late. I knew he moved on. I guess I knew it for a while, but I never wanted it to be true. I can still hear the screams and the [s]crys[/s] cries that are coming from the inside. He grabbed my arm and turned me around.
"Sarah. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you." I looked at him. (His words imply the opposite of what he's saying. I'm getting this robotic voice in my head saying, "I'm sorry" without meaning it at all. Try to give us some inclination of his feeling.
"You didn't hurt me." You killed me, I thought silently. I didn't want to give myself [s]a way[/s] away. Sam will be here soon to [s]'talk'[/s] talk to me. (Two spaces here) I may end up dead any way so it doesn't matter.
"Please don't lie to protect me. I know I have hurt you." (Again. Robot. Ugh.)
"You haven't hurt me. I'm [s]Not[/s] not protecting you at all." (2 spaces) If I could cry I know I would [s]have[/s].I had to get home. [s]Sam only wants me[/s]. The sooner I get home the better.
"Sarah..." I just walked [s] way[/s] away.. I needed to get home and I didn't care what he had to say. I got to my car and rushed to my house. (Very fast. Is she super powered that she can just sit in her car and think herself home? Kidding. You ought to give us a little more time here, instead of just "I went here, went there, did this, did that." It makes it very choppy.) I got out of the car and was a ready at the front door and opening it. As I walked inside I saw Sam... sitting on the couch. Looking like he was in his own house.
"Hello, Sarah." I just looked around.
"Where are my brothers?"
NP>> Sam stood up and was right in front of me.
"I told you I will get my revenge." He smirked and I smelt the blood of my dead brothers. (Whoa. Wait! That was way too unexpected to actually be appreciated. She walks in, there's this guy there and suddenly her brothers are dead. Before I thought Sam was a friend. You need to make the threat clearer. Seriously.)
"W-What did you do?" I asked shakily.
"Killed them. I told you I would find you and I told you I would get revenge." He smirked at me and I couldn't help but smell the fresh blood.
"You smell them, don't you? They all should have died along side your mother. She never should have created them. When she created you that was enough of us in the world." (Uh-huh. This cryptic utterance did nothing to improve (or disprove) the mood. Maybe get rid of it. Or clear it up so we know what he's saying.) I was shaking with anger.
"Why did you do that?" (This is killing me! She sounds like Sam stole her teddy bear and put it in the fire! "Why did you do that?" should be a scream, a shriek of both anger and horror. Would you be *calmly* shaking with anger if your brothers' killer was smirking at you like that? I don't think so!) I could hear the strain in my voice to keep myself from attacking him. And I'm sure he could too. I clenched my fist and he moved closer to me.
"Please don't be so mad, Angel. I can't help but be close to you. I love you, Sarah." ("So I thought I'd kill your brothers for a Valentine's gift. Surprise!" This part I like. It's an interesting twist and it makes me hate him even more.) I looked up at him. My eyes burning red. "Sara, calm down."
"No! I will not calm down! Why did you kill them?" I wanted to hit him but I knew that would make things worst. [s]She[/s] He reached my height, lowering himself down a few inches. I glared at him.
"Don't be mad, my love. I [s]wont[/s] won't hurt you."
"I am more afraid what I will do to you that will lead to what you will do to me..." He laughed at me and sat back on the couch.
"Why are you here?"
"I told you. For revenge."
"For not loving you when you loved me? For my brothers protecting me when I needed it? For scaring your heart when I left? I think you are getting your revenge. My love left me yesterday." We both hear a knock on the door.
"Sarah! It's me, Patrick! I wanted to talk to you about what I said at school!"

OVERALL: This is a good idea. The base story is enticing, and your writing is good. You need to add a little personification to your characters, such as in the voices. And you also need to give us some hint of what's going on. Don't go into great detail, leave some for later, but don't surprise us like you did with "I smelled by dead brothers' blood." Yikes. I mean, it's wonderfully exciting, but it makes your brain explode after saying, "WHAT?!"

Also: You need to hint Sam. Please. I am so confused. Is he the guy that dumped her and the whole "I know I hurt you" thing went on? Or was that another guy? And then Sam pops up, kills the family, Sarah acts all pissed (please change her emotion. Have her in rage or tears, just not "Why did you kill them".) and here comes this man Patrick.

I am confused about characters and circumstances, but the story is great and so is the base writing. I hope I helped. PM me for any questions, and when you post the next chapter!

~Sunny

Hey there, I'll be your reviewer today *cheer*

Allright, so let's get on with it:


I knew it would kill me on the inside if he ever left me. But I never knew exactly how much. I knew this day would come, but it came too quickly. This is a good start, and it does catch our attention, but I suggest you elaborate slightly on the "I knew this day would come" way in which your character views things. Maybe explain that previous relationships all ended to leave her hurt, or something of the like?


I can still hear the screams and the crys that are coming from the inside. Spelling mistake: cries, not crys. Also, this sentence doesn't appeal to me so much. Consider rephrasing?

"Sarah. I'm sorry I didn't mean to hurt you." I looked at him. It sounds like she is saying this... which I don't think is the case.

I may end up dead any way so it doesn't matter. Uh, why?

"You haven't hurt me. I'm Not protecting you at all. The "not" shouldn't be capitalized.

I just walked a way. It's "away", not "a way". Also, show us some emotion and atmosphere here.

I needed to get home and I didn't care what he had to say. I get to my car and rushed to my house. I got out of the car and was a ready at the front door and opening it. As I walked inside I saw Sam... sitting on the couch. Looking like he was in his own house. Maybe you can expand on this a little bit ^^

"Hello Sarah." I just looked around.

"Where are my brothers?" Sam stood up and was right in front of me.

It is confusing which character says what. Make sure you avoid such confusions, because they distract from the story.

"W-What did you do?" I asked shakily. Okay, she's shaking... but show us what she feels.

"You smell them don't you? They all should have died along side your mother. She never should have created them. When she created you that was enough of us in the world." I was shaking with anger.

"Why did you do that?" I could hear the strain in my voice to keep myself from attacking him. And I'm sure he could too. I clenched my fist and he moved closer to me. It seems slightly unnatural to ask "Why did you do that?" when you've just discovered that your brothers are dead. This makes me think she didn't have such a connection with them. Also, the MC is a girl, right? Would she really try to attack Sam - a male who has just murdered her brothers - or would she be afraid?

She reached my height. Lowering himself down a few inches. I glared at him. This is confusing; who reached whose height? What exactly is going on?

"For not loving you when you loved me? For my brothers protecting me when I needed it? For scaring your heart when I left? "Scarring", not "scaring".

Allright. I do think you have something good going here, but you throw us into the story too abruptly, and then break it off too abruptly as well. This doesn't make the reader a happy panda.

Try to elaborate more on the surroundings; describing the room, the characters clothes and general appearance, etc.

Good luck editing, and; keep writing

PM me for anything ^^

XxxDo

Hello!!

I like your idea, the origina but still sort of classic if that makes sense!

The only things I would say on the negative side is that maybe you could describe the scenes a little more and characterise a little more?
I found it a bit confusing to figure out which one was speaking a few times.

Other than that, however, there seems to be a lot of potential here!
A great idea for a story, with lots of hidden secrets to come out from the sounds of it-I hope we get to read more!

Alrighttt, so this was a loaddd of confusion for the first while, but an interesting concept indeed. I did enjoy reading it and i do think you have quite the writer's flare, you just have to concentrate on honing it and perfecting it.

well, onto the critique.

I knew it would kill me on the inside if he ever left me. But I never knew exactly how much. I knew this day would come, but it came too quickly. I walked past him. My eyes on the ground. He was looking at me. Obviously sorry for what he did. But it was too late. I knew he moved on. I guess I knew it for a while, but I never wanted it to be true. I can still hear the screams and the crys that are coming from the inside. He grabbed my arm and turned me around.

alright, i really liked the first line of this. it was very catchy indeed and i thought there had to be something grand about this story just because of it.

Of course, the rest of the paragraph seemed very 'this happened. this happened. this happened.' it didnt quite flow like you just wanted to go through the phases.

try adding coma's instead of periods and using connective words to make the sentences long and flowing. not so short and point-like.

I get to my car and rushed to my house.

alright this sentence could have gone either way depending what tense you were going for. You could have written 'got' instead of 'get' or 'rush' instead of 'rushed'. either way, you sentence is contradicting.

"I told you I will get my revenge." He smirked and I smelt the blood of my dead brothers.

alright, two things wrong with this area persay. he said 'i told you i will get my revenge' should have been a 'would' because he had spoken to her about it before and it was implying that he already did.

also, it seems like shes making assumptions when it said 'dead' brothers. you could put, the blood of my brothers, so it will be more hurtful to know this sam character was the one who killed them.

When she created you that was enough of us in the world.

this would have made more sense to put it into two sentences.

like saying 'when she created you that was enough. there was no need for anyone more of us in the world.' it just would have sounded more professional that way.

"Please don't be so mad angel. I can't help but be close to you. I love you Sarah." I looked up at him. My eyes burning red. "Sarah calm down."

okay so this part completely threw me for a loop. He went from being all 'i killed your brothers' to 'please dont be mad cause i love you'. honestly, it just doesnt sound right for someone who was supposed to be this cruel sort of fellow to randomly be kind. i didnt much care for that. there could have been a more despicable way of doing it.

like maybe this 'Be angry my angel. They deserved what they got, but I myself cannot help but be close to you. I am infatuated by you.' sort of deal right there. something a little less comforting cause he did in fact just kill her brothers. he deserves her anger, so he shouldnt be the one comforting.

She reached my height.

should be he. little detail.

"Sarah! It's me Patrick! I wanted to talk to you about what I said at school!"

i like the idea of the cliffhanger, but i dont really like how he said 'what i said at school!' im sure she already knows what they talked about, and it would make more sense if he just said 'i want to talk to you'.

well thats my basic critique.

overall, i got confused for a bit, but i did enjoy the storyline and i think you have something going for you. you have potential and some talent so keep practicing and i would love to read my of your work.

if you want me to review anything, just pm me and i'll be glad to do so!

Hello Untitled21. I'm Jas and I will be your reviewer for today.

I knew it would kill me on the inside if he ever left me.

I know this may seem like a strong opening line, but it isnt. Dramatic, yes. However, it is a run on and awkward. Somehow use the next sentence and this sentence and revise somehow. Yes?
~~~~~~~~

But it was too late.

but, it's a conjunction. Using it in the beginning of a sentence is oh so very wrong.
~~~~~~~~

"You didn't hurt me." You killed me. I thought silently. I didn't want to give myself a way. Sam will be here soon to 'talk' to me.I may end up dead any way so it doesn't matter.

Not many people do this, and I have no clue why, but when there is an internal thought, put in italics so it doesnt get all scrambled with everything else. Also after 'you killed me' put a comma and make that one sentence.
~~~~~~~~

"Please don't lie to protect me. I know I have hurt you."

Protecting? How would that be protecting?
~~~~~~~

If I could cry I know I would have.I had to get home. Sam only wants me. The sooner I get home the better.

These sentences are a bit choppy and robotic like. reword them so they flow and explain how she feels.
~~~~~~~~

"Hello Sarah." I just looked around.

Hello comma sarah. Who is sam, by the way?
~~~~~~~~~
\

He smirked and I smelt the blood of my dead brothers.

Whoa whoa whoa! Slow down here, nelly. I thought sam only wanted her? why would he kill her brothers? who is sam? why can she smell blood? it is odderless.
~~~~~~~~~~

When she created you that was enough of us in the world."

Seriously. Slow. Down. Arg, i cant keep up. Elaborate please?
~~~~~~~~~~~

"Please don't be so mad angel.

Mad comma angel
~~~~~~~~~~~

I love you Sarah."

You comma sarah.
~~~~~~~~~~~

"Sarah calm down."

Sarah comma calm down.
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She reached my height. Lowering himself down a few inches. I glared at him.

huh? Confusing pronouns here.
~~~~~~~~~~~

"Don't be mad my love. I wont hurt you."

Mad comma my love
~~~~~~~~~~~

"I am more afraid what I will do to you that will lead to what you will do to me..."

Er, awkward.
~~~~~~~~~~~

okay, a lot of untouched things here. you just threw sam at us in the middle of nowhere. you were talking about her 'love' then BAM sam only wants me. then why doesnt she want to be with him? Well yes he killed her family, but a family of what?
This could be interesting, but it is too confusing in this stage.
sorry if i wasnt much help.

--jas