The sunrise that came too late....

Today was the last day he would see her. The last day he would every see her smile. The last day he would hear her laugh. The last time she would stare off into space when ever the teacher would start to teach the class. The last time he would watch her enter and feel his heart stop for only a second. Today was the last day he would be able to say her name, Today was the last day that he could ask her some pointless question just to hear her voice...... the voice of an angle... The voice only
Niki had.But unfortunately today was the last day he would see her unharmed.

"Greg.... Greg..... Hey Greg are you listing to me!!" Jacob said while punching Greg in the arm, to get his attention.

"Man Greg whats up with you and spacing out lately?" John Jacob's younger brother and his best friend asked sounding concerned. in his voice.

"Nothing man, just thinking of all the good things that I'll miss." Greg said with a fake smile.

"Wow you didn't just sound like a girl at all." Michel said with a chuckle.

"Shut up." Greg said while feeling a blush coming on. 'Man good thing I have dark skin that way it's not to obvious when I'm blushing.'


"So Greg what do you think your going to miss the most?" Lela Jacob's girlfriend asked.

"I think I could guess." Jacob said with a glance towards Niki.

"What are you looking at?" Luke asked as he came to sit at the table.

"Um nothing." Greg said while getting up.

"Hey where are you going?" John asked while getting up to follow Greg.

"I'm not hungry." Greg said while passing by Niki's table and glancing at her.

"You know since it's your last day here and all you should tell her how you feel."

"What would Melony think?"

"She broke up with you, remember?"

"Yeah, but I don't know, I've been putting on hints for a while now and she hasn't done anything yet."

"Well what did you do?"

"Well every day I ask her for a pen, I make fun of that one kid she's always with. And your brother helps sometimes by talking to the people she normally talks to. That way I can try to talk to her, but she always seems to have someone else to talk to."

"Well you know maybe she likes you she just embarrassed to say anything to you."

"Wow I just realized we sound like girls talking about love and all. And since when have you start giving out love advise?"

"Well you see this weekend I got stuck in the restroom because we ran out of toilet paper and, my mom had to go to the store and buy some and the only reading material in there was my sisters magazines that or my dad's porn magazines." John said happily.

"Well.... you could of just told me that you read those magazines."

"Hey that wasn't funny!" some guy said while storming out of the cafeteria.

"Wow I can't believe you actually did that Niki." Hannah the girl that Niki normally sat with on the Ag bus said while giggling.

"That was pay back for pushing me into that puddle." Niki said with an innocent look.

"Well how was I suppose to know you were that light.

"Hm I don't Chris know maybe because she's like four nine." Hannah said while patting Niki on the head.

"Nine and a half." mumbled.

"Oh yeah don't forget the half Hannah." Chris said with a chuckle.

"Um is the short one the one you like?" John said while trying not to laugh which was failing horribly.

"Yeah." Greg said while looking away.

"Well that's ironic isn't it." Greg said while trying to keep a straight face.

"I know I know she's like midget and I'm like a giant."

"How tall are you again."

"Six two and a half." Greg mumbled.

"Wow just imagine that scene." Jacob said while walking up to them.

"Hey Greg!!" Kinna said while walking to Niki and her friends.

"So are you going to say anything or are you just going to be a wimp?" Jacob said with a smirk.

"Wimp. You know I'm moving next semester and I don't want to just tell her I love her and then go off and never talk to her again."

"So your not going to do anything your just going to leave." John asked with disbelief.

"It's better this way." Greg whispered.

Heya ^ ^ Just a quick point: I've noticed that you've posted two pieces of your own work. YWS does ask that you do two reviews for every one that you post.

when ever

= "whenever"

The voice only
Niki had.

= Same line?

Today was the last day he would see her. The last day he would every see her smile. The last day he would hear her laugh. The last time she would stare off into space when ever the teacher would start to teach the class. The last time he would watch her enter and feel his heart stop for only a second. Today was the last day he would be able to say her name, Today was the last day that he could ask her some pointless question just to hear her voice...... the voice of an angle... The voice only

Niki had.[Space]But unfortunately today was the last day he would see her unharmed.

I had a few troubles with this:
1) What's with the excessive full stops? An ellipsis is just three (...).
2) After a paragraph of 'the last day', the reader is starting to get a little ticked off. I find it a cheap and easy alternative to actually bothering to show us this in a different spectrum--I'm watching from a mile away. Let us be inside your character (whose name I do not yet know), so that I can learn about who this person is, what Nikki means to him. All right, so we know he thinks she's an angel and all that, but why? What does she do? How does he know it's the last day? If you keep this interesting, a lengthy opening is nothing to worry about--we would be drawn in.
3) I wonder about:

But unfortunately

So, he's fine with everything else compared to seeing her harmed? That's fine, so long as you tell us that. However, the "unfortunately" draws from the initial thought of him caring a lot, if you see what I mean.

Hey Greg are you listing to me!!"

1) listing = "listening"
2) !! = "?"

Jacob said while punching Greg in the arm, [s]to get his attention[/s].

Now that you've brought in two more names, I'm thinking: "What? So which one's the guy? Who's Nikki? Who's narrating?" And these are all questions in an annoying way; what was the point of that initial paragraph? Just show us a little more.

John Jacob's younger brother and his best friend asked sounding concerned. in his voice.

Argh, what? Should this be:

John, Jacob's younger brother and his best friend asked, sounding concerned[s]. in his voice[/s].

That's the grammar, but I'm still thinking about character development; instead of telling us in a one-line introduction, gradually reveal that Jacob is John's best friend. I'm overcrowded, you know? Also, don't tell us that his voice is concerned, but show us. Gow? Well, say, instead of what you have put, try: "asked, his voice faltering as he spoke."

I won't go into any more nitpicks, since I find it difficult to focus on any of the characters for too long, and I can't snatch the scene from any viewpoint. Start off with a single character, and gradually throw together everyone else. Some people will say you need fast pacing right from the off--so do I, but if everyone seems to be understanding within the scene, why am I not? As you can see, this confused me. Think more about the order in which things come through. I found that there was such a jumble, I couldn't concentrate on the story and none of the characters bore any real significance to me, so it again confused me.

Also, be sure to proofread your work--it can solve a lot of grammar issues easily. But keep with the idea.

OK, best, of luck,
Mark

Hello!

The last day he would [s]every[/s]ever see her smile.

But unfortunately today was the last day he would see her unharmed.

I didn't quite understand this. Are you building up on this? It could just be me, but explain this a little more.
Ok, well every line is basically starting off with a quote. Why don't you mix it up a bit. Instead of saying,
"What's up?" Lena asked as she walked over to their table. You could say,
Lena walked over to their table and asked, "What's up?"

"Man, Greg what's up with you and spacing out lately?" John, Jacob's younger brother and his best friend asked, sounding concerned. [s]in his voice.[/s]

Well there are a lot of grammar mistakes and the story's kind of boring. To me, I would explain Greg a little bit more and make him come alive. Like a lot of people say, show and don't tell. Also, when you are ending a quote, you seem to end it with he said or he asked. Find other words to describe what they are saying. For example, questioned, whispered, mumbled, grumbled, hissed, etc. Just change that up a bit.
Overall
I thought that this story definitely has some potential. However, I'm not too interested to read what happens next. Give a little more detail and explain your characters more. Also, work on the grammar and variation. Just keep editing and writing more and I'm sure that you will grab my attention! =]

-Lindsey

You finally put something new up! This is really quite sad once I saw what it's most likely about...

Okay, now on to the editing...

Today was the last day he would see her. The last day he would every see her smile. The last day he would hear her laugh. The last time she would stare off into space when ever the teacher would start to teach the class. The last time he would watch her enter and feel his heart stop for only a second. Today was the last day he would be able to say her name,either put a period or make the t lower case Today was the last day that he could ask her some pointless question just to hear her voice...... the voice of an angle... The voice only move this up hereNiki had.But unfortunately today was the last day he would see her unharmed. foreshadowing???

"Greg.... Greg..... Hey Greg are you listing to me!!" Jacob said while punching Greg in the arm, to get his attention.

"Man Greg whats up with you and spacing out lately?" Johncomma Jacob's younger brother and his best friend asked sounding concerned.take out in his voice in his voice.

"Nothing man, just thinking of all the good things that I'll miss." Greg said with a fake smile.

"Wow you didn't just sound like a girl at all." Michel said with a chuckle.

"Shut up." Greg said while feeling a blush coming on. 'Man good thing I have dark skin that way it's not to obvious when I'm blushing.'


"So Greg what do you think your going to miss the most?" Lelacomma Jacob's girlfriend asked.

"I think I could guess." Jacob said with a glance towards Niki.

"What are you looking at?" Luke asked as he came to sit at the table.

"Um nothing." Greg said while getting up.

"Hey where are you going?" John asked while getting up to follow Greg.

"I'm not hungry." Greg said while passing by Niki's table and glancing at her.

"You know since it's your last day here and all you should tell her how you feel." who's talking?

"What would Melony think?"

"She broke up with you, remember?"

"Yeah, but I don't know, I've been putting on hints for a while now and she hasn't done anything yet."

"Well what did you do?"

"Well every day I ask her for a pen,is that what that means? hehe j/k I make fun of that one kid she's always with. And your brother helps sometimes by talking to the people she normally talks to.comma, no period That way I can try to talk to her, but she always seems to have someone else to talk to."

"Well you know maybe she likes you she just embarrassed to say anything to you."

"Wow I just realized we sound like girls talking about love and all. And since when have you start giving out love advise?"

"Well you see this weekend I got stuck in the restroom because we ran out of toilet paper and, my mom had to go to the store and buy some and the only reading material in there was my sisters magazines that or my dad's porn magazines." John said happily.

"Well.... you could of just told me that you read those magazines."

"Hey that wasn't funny!" some guy said while storming out of the cafeteria.

"Wow I can't believe you actually did that Niki.comma" Hannahcomma the girl that Niki normally sat with on the Ag bus said while giggling.

"That was pay back for pushing me into that puddle.comma" Niki said with an innocent look.

"Well how was I suppose to know you were that light."

"Hmcomma I don't Chris know maybe because she's like four nine." Hannah said while patting Niki on the head.

"Nine and a half." mumbled.

"Oh yeah don't forget the half Hannah." Chris said with a chuckle.

"Um is the short one the one you like?" John said while trying not to laugh which was failing horribly.

"Yeah." Greg said while looking away.

"Well that's ironic,[.b] isn't it." Greg said while trying to keep a straight face.

"I know I know she's like midget and I'm like a giant."

"How tall are you again.[b]?"

"Six two and a half.," Greg mumbled.

"Wow just imagine that scene." Jacob said while walking up to them.

"Hey Greg!!" Kinna said while walking to Niki and her friends.

"So are you going to say anything or are you just going to be a wimp?" Jacob said with a smirk.

"Wimp. You know I'm moving next semester and I don't want to just tell her I love her and then go off and never talk to her again."

"So your not going to do anything your just going to leave." John asked with disbelief.

"It's better this way." Greg whispered.

Is he a warewolf???? j/k!
Hope you write more.

Sorry for not responding sooner, but I had to go visit my grandma out in the middle of nowhere. Anyway

I see what all of you mean, and thank you for revewing. I think I'm going to change this to first person, because I suck at third person. That is if I ever have enough time, with all my homewoek and all.