Aubrey Forbes(rough title)

"Come back!" I squealed, chasing him around the park. Walker stopped suddenly and I toppled over him. He tickled me until I was earning the attention of everyone in ear shot. "Still want me?" He asked. I looked at him seriously. "Always." Walker put me on his lap and kissed me tenderly. I pushed him away. "Everybody is looking at us!" I whispered in his ear. "So?" He asked. I laid down on the grass. He followed in suit. "Walker?" I turned to see his face. "Hmm?" He opened his eyes- the warm,
but cool, pure blue eyes I had fallen for a long time ago were glued to my face. I smiled at him. "This seems to good to be real." He closed his eyes again. "That's what I think, too. I guess we're both lucky people." I sighed. "I'll say."
I sat up and started caressing his face with my thumb. He smiled when he first felt it, but the grin was gone now and his pulse was steady. My heart missed a beat. He was so lovely. Walker's short, buzz cut, blonde hair was perfect on him. He was average height and had a h-e-double hockey sticks of a body. "I love you, Walker. I love you so much." I kissed his fore head. "You know, I don't even think I deserve you." I rolled my eyes and muttered,"Think? You know you don't deserve him." Walker's eyes opened in alarm. "What did you say?" He asked me firmly. I looked at him. "Nothing that matters." He put my head on his chest. "You're the only person in this world that could ever deserve me. If anything, I don't deserve you." He hugged me tightly. "You know I love you, right? And I wouldn't trade the world for you? That I would kill before I let someone else touch you?" I nodded. "I-I just, I don't know." He started running his hands through my thin, brown, curled hair. I burried my face in his chest. "I love you too." I whispered. "You already know that."

* * *
"No! Walker, please. I need you here!" I yelled at Walker. "You just proposed to me, God! Now you're leaving?" He pulled me into his arms. "I'm sorry, so sorry. I need to go. My brother is going and I have to help him." I punched his chest. "War is not the place for family socials!" He rubbed my back, making soothing, shhhhhs. Once I calmed down, I pulled away. "Did you even think about how this would effect me?" He smiled. "Aubrey." I shivered. When he said my name, I always got goose bumps. "I know you'll understand." I shook my head. "Not for as long as I live." I thought for a moment, then told him, "Please leave."

He walked out without another word.

I’ve spaced it out how I think it should be and added any comments about anything I think needed fixing, changing or anything I particularly liked. Dialogue always needs a new paragraph.

"Come back!" I squealed, chasing him around the park.

Walker stopped suddenly and I toppled over him. He tickled me until I was earning the attention of everyone in ear shot.

"Still want me?" He asked.

I looked at him seriously. "Always."

Walker put me on his lap and kissed me tenderly. I pushed him away.

"Everybody is looking at us!" I whispered in his ear.

I like that line above, I thought it was realistic.

"So?" He asked.

I laid down on the grass. He followed in suit.

"Walker?" I turned to see his face.

"Hmm?" He opened his eyes- the warm, but cool, pure blue eyes I had fallen for a long time ago were glued to my face. I smiled at him.

"This seems to good to be real."

He closed his eyes again.

"That's what I think, too. I guess we're both lucky people."

I sighed. "I'll say."

I sat up and started caressing his face with my thumb. He smiled when he first felt it, but the grin was gone now and his pulse was steady. My heart missed a beat. He was so lovely. Walker's short, buzz cut, blonde hair was perfect on him. He was average height and had a h-e-double hockey sticks of a body.

Wait, what? Maybe I’m just stupid but what is h-e-double hockey sticks?

"I love you, Walker. I love you so much." I kissed his fore head.

Forehead should be one word.

"You know, I don't even think I deserve you."

I rolled my eyes and muttered, "Think? You know you don't deserve him."

What? Is she talking to herself? Maybe you should write it like this -
I rolled my eyes and muttered to myself, “Think? You know you don’t deserve him.”.
Hmm, that still doesn’t sound right, I’m not sure how you can fix this, but try because it’s quite confusing.

Walker's eyes opened in alarm.

"What did you say?" He asked me firmly. I looked at him.

"Nothing that matters." He put my head on his chest. "You're the only person in this world that could ever deserve me. If anything, I don't deserve you."

That makes her sound stuck up.

He hugged me tightly. "You know I love you, right? And I wouldn't trade the world for you? That I would kill before I let someone else touch you?"

I nodded. "I-I just, I don't know."

He started running his hands through my thin, brown, curled hair. I buried my face in his chest.

"I love you too." I whispered. "You already know that."

* * *

"No! Walker, please. I need you here!" I yelled at Walker.

"You just proposed to me, God! Now you're leaving?"

Wait, marriage? I thought they were only young in the scene before.

He pulled me into his arms. "I'm sorry, so sorry. I need to go. My brother is going and I have to help him."

I punched his chest. "War is not the place for family socials!"

He rubbed my back, making soothing, shhhhhs. Once I calmed down, I pulled away.

"Did you even think about how this would effect me?"

He smiled. "Aubrey."

I shivered. When he said my name, I always got goose bumps.

"I know you'll understand."

I shook my head. "Not for as long as I live."

I thought for a moment, then told him, "Please leave."

He walked out without another word.



Overall I thought this was a nice piece. Not a favourite, but still a nice piece of writing. I’d like to read more if you ever write more.

Hey Lolli!

Nit-picking

"Come back!" I squealed, chasing him around the park. Walker stopped suddenly and I toppled over him. He tickled me until I was earning the attention of everyone in ear shot.

This beginning has an abrupt feeling to it. Could you add more description? It's best to flesh out setting and maybe just a brief mentioning of Walker's movements or looks.

"Still want me?" He asked. I looked at him seriously. "Always." Walker put me on his lap and kissed me tenderly. I pushed him away. "Everybody is looking at us!" I whispered in his ear. "So?" He asked. I laid down on the grass. He followed in suit. "Walker?"

You need to remember that when new dialogue from a different individual starts, you need to begina new paragraph.

I had fallen for a long time ago were glued to my face.

Glued to my face... that isn't a very pretty image.

He was average height and had a h-e-double hockey sticks of a body. "I love you, Walker. I love you so much." I kissed his fore head. "You know, I don't even think I deserve you." I rolled my eyes and muttered,"Think? You know you don't deserve him." Walker's eyes opened in alarm. "What did you say?" He asked me firmly. I looked at him. "Nothing that matters." He put my head on his chest. "You're the only person in this world that could ever deserve me. If anything, I don't deserve you." He hugged me tightly. "You know I love you, right? And I wouldn't trade the world for you? That I would kill before I let someone else touch you?" I nodded. "I-I just, I don't know." He started running his hands through my thin, brown, curled hair. I burried my face in his chest. "I love you too." I whispered. "You already know that."

- Because you didn't start new paragraphs with the dialogue, I'm not really sure who is saying what - the format is very confusing. You need to start new paragraphs, or the dialogue all blends in together.
- In bold is a typo, buried.


Overall

This is really short, so I don't have a lot to go by. The story seems like you have a lot coming, plot-wise and with the characters, but the issue lies in the fact I don't really know the characters at all. All I know is that the main character loved Walker, and Walker loved her. And then he leaves her because of war. I don't know who she is as a person, or who Walker is as a person. You haven't developed the characters outside of the relationship at all. You could do this by describing their actions outside of the relationship, which you don't do - in a condensed piece, you show us nothing but the relationship.

Try not to condense your story so much. Slow down the storytelling pace. Stroll around and have fun with the characters first.

When writing, you need to at least answer a few "who, what, why, wheres" from the start - I suppose sometimes you can leave everything a mystery, but in this case you should answer a few things. Some questions are: Why do the characters like each other? Why does he legitimately leave her? What war is this? What is the location? Why does he feel such an allegience to his brother? And most importantly, who really are these people? Not all of these questions need to be answered right away, like I said - but a few would be nice.

Of course, this was very short. I'd like to see you write more! Develop the idea.

Keep writing, and PM me if you have questions.

~ Clo

lollipop89281 wrote:"Come back!" I squealed, chasing him around the park. Walker stopped suddenly and I toppled over him. He tickled me until I was earning the attention of everyone in ear shot.

I think this makes the sentence sound awkward. Maybe try, He tickled me until I had the attention of everyone in earshot. Just something simple that doesn't sound weird.

"Still want me?" He asked. I looked at him seriously. "Always."

When a different person starts speaking, you should begin a new paragraph.

Walker put me on his lap and kissed me tenderly. I pushed him away. "Everybody is looking at us!" I whispered in his ear. "So?" He asked. I laid down on the grass. He followed in suit. "Walker?" I turned to see his face. "Hmm?" He opened his eyes- the warm, but cool, pure blue eyes I had fallen for a long time ago were glued to my face.

End your pargraph here.

I smiled at him. "This seems to good to be real."

too.

He closed his eyes again. "That's what I think, too. I guess we're both lucky people." New Paragraph I sighed. "I'll say."
I sat up and started caressing his face with my thumb. He smiled when he first felt it, but the grin was gone now and his pulse was steady. My heart missed a beat. He was so lovely. Walker's short, buzz cut, blonde hair was perfect on him. He was average height and had a h-e-double hockey sticks of a body. New paragraph. "I love you, Walker. I love you so much." I kissed his fore head. "You know, I don't even think I deserve you." I rolled my eyes and muttered,"Think? You know you don't deserve him." Walker's eyes opened in alarm. New Paragraph "What did you say?" He asked me firmly. New Paragraph I looked at him. "Nothing that matters." He put my head on his chest. "You're the only person in this world that could ever deserve me. If anything, I don't deserve you." He hugged me tightly. "You know I love you, right? And I wouldn't trade the world for you? That I would kill before I let someone else touch you?" New Paragraph I nodded. "I-I just, I don't know." He started running his hands through my thin, brown, curled hair. I burried my face in his chest. "I love you too." I whispered. "You already know that."

That was really long and you need to break it up so the reader doesn't get lost. Also, it's like writing law that you have to start a new paragraph anytime a new person starts talking.

* * *

"No! Walker, please. I need you here!" I yelled at Walker. "You just proposed to me, God! Now you're leaving?" He pulled me into his arms. "I'm sorry, so sorry. I need to go. My brother is going and I have to help him." I punched his chest. "War is not the place for family socials!" He rubbed my back, making soothing, shhhhhs. Once I calmed down, I pulled away. "Did you even think about how this would effect me?" He smiled. "Aubrey." I shivered. When he said my name, I always got goose bumps. "I know you'll understand." I shook my head. "Not for as long as I live." I thought for a moment, then told him, "Please leave."

He walked out without another word.

This last part was good, but again, break it up.

I thought this piece was nice, but I do think you could add some more description. Put the reader in Aubrey's shoes. Make them feel exactly what she feels. What does she feel when she touches Walker? How does she feel about the sunlight catching in his hair? About his shoes squishing the dirt underfoot?
Stuff like that.
Keep writing. :]

-jade.

Interesting peice. I basically agree with everyone else.

You need more description etc but the main problem is that I had trouble following what was going on. Remember to make seperate paragraphs for dialogue and to make it clear who is talking.

"I love you, Walker. I love you so much." I kissed his fore head. "You know, I don't even think I deserve you." I rolled my eyes and muttered,"Think? You know you don't deserve him." Walker's eyes opened in alarm. "What did you say?" He asked me firmly. I looked at him. "Nothing that matters." He put my head on his chest. "You're the only person in this world that could ever deserve me. If anything, I don't deserve you."

I have no idea who is who here. I think you need to put Aubrey's thoughts in italics when she is thinking to herself.

The paragraph under the "stars" was on the other hand, easy to follow but i didn't really understand what was happening. Maybe some more detail on that one?

Though good job. I usually don't read romance fiction, but to see that someone titled their story similar to mine (Aubrey's Raven. its under other fiction if you want to look at it for me ) kinda made me interested. Now, under all the confusion, I want to see where you are getting at!

Hey there, love
I do like the overall tone of your story - it's a good writing style, light, easy to read. Check out the tips on spacing above, though. You do need to put a new line for each piece of dialogue. I'd also suggest you try to flesh out your story more. There's a lot of dialogue just flashing back and forth between the two. Aren't there a lot of thoughts that go on in your mind before you say something? I mean, there should be. The reader wants to make a connection with the character, wants to know what they're thinking. There are also physical ramifications of those thoughts. For example:

"Hello," I said.

"Hi. How have you been?" he replied.

"I've been okay... you know what, I won't do this again. I hate you!" I screamed.

See, that's a little confusing, because we have no idea what the tone of the conversation is. That's a little more extreme than yours, of course. Here's a spruced up version: (remember I'm making this up on the spot, so the writing's not very good. )

Here he came. I couldn't believe it was him, again. Anger, fear, and attraction sent butterflies through the pit of my stomach. What to say? What to do? And how could I still be attracted to him, even after all he'd done?

"Hello," I said blankly as he arrived in front of me. He looked as good as ever, tall, suave, blue eyes twinkling. I'm sure he was laughing at the total wreck I'd made of myself since he'd left.

"Hi. How have you been?" He sounded assured, like he knew he'd hurt me bad, and he just didn't care.

"I've been okay..." I gritted my teeth. I just couldn't do this again. All those months of heartbreak boiled in my stomach. I tasted bitter bile rising in my throat. "You know what, I won't do this again. I hate you!"

Anyway, it's just an example of what I mean. The point is, we need more detail so we can get more attached to your characters. When we really feel a connection to the characters is when we actually care what happens to them.

Okay, bear in mind that I still think your piece is an EXCELLENT bare bones story - it just needs fleshing out. I'm going on and on... I'd better stop now. Nice job, and feel free to pm me if you ever want me to critique something. I love your writing style, so it will be a pleasure.

Cheers,
MademoiselleKool