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Argh! If I hear these names once more I think I will scream! If I were you, I would change them just so people take your piece more seriously!

his velvet soft - like voice comming to a complete stop after he said my name.

Take out the hypen and like...velvet soft voice...that'sa nice enough description...correct the typo on coming

Jake was my little soldier who would not give up the battle, he would never surrender.

I'd use the bit after the comma as a separate sentence, or maybe that's just me!

I thought about how much this would affect him much more then it already has.

This sentence seems awkward...consider a rephrase?

But I also can't go to the rehab center.

I was told never to start a sentence with a conjunctive but everyone else seems to....

"And you know damn well that I'm not gonna stop, admit it!"

"Admit it" needs to be a stand-alone statement


This piece has promise, but it seems rushed and I'm not keen on the way the characters are speaking to each other...there's not enogh desperation of the guy trying to get his best friend better and her drug induced state doesn't seem very ral..it's a piece you need to research well to get it right....don't go trying any crack though! Hahaha!

I like this! A lot!

There are quite a few errors, so you might want to re-read your stuff.

Over all I really like this. I can't wait to read more. I also agree with what olivia1987uk said this is quite rushed, so slow it down a little. Also, give more description. I really like this Pm when you post the next chapter!

-Krisy

Hi,
Like olivia1987uk said, I would consider changing the names. Not both but just maybe one. Change the boy's name maybe. I really like the name Bella too. I really like your story, it was very interesting. I think maybe, if it was me, I would chage around some words when they are fist talking. Maybe make her fumble over her words or be giggly. From what I've seen, people who do drugs are out if it, even after their first 5 seconds.

I am in class right now and my next one is statring soon, so I will finish this later on tonight.

Love,
N

Lol, I love it when I'm right! Yay! hehe xx