The Island Lovers

3 posts
User avatar
Gender Male
Points 832
Reviews 37
this is a wee bit longer than the other one but it still needs work tell me what you think
If you have somthing else to say to me just hit that PM button (i think we all know what that is) :lol:




Chapter One

The gravel driveway crunched under James’s feet as he began his morning run into the city of Egdon. James was a well built 14 year old boy with jet black hair and piercing blue eyes. The Hindeler mansion’s iron gates swung open to let him pass, James imagined they where screaming “GO AWAY WE DON’T WANT YOU HERE”.

The morning air was cold, birds were only just awaking and an icy spider web hung between two large oak trees. James let the cold grey dawn wash over him, its ice cold fingers curling around his body like swirling waves. The scenery around him began to transform from small country lane to busy city streets. Tall skyscrapers towered on either side of him, he directed himself towards his girlfriend Airia’s workplace.

The city began to awaken from its sleep, early morning drivers trying to beat the rush hour traffic, farmers selling their produce at local markets and a few workers walking to work instead of taking the subway.

James soon neared his destination, a small coffee shop nestled between two large skyscrapers. James reached the door, pushed it open and was greeted by a blast of warm air. Airia was standing behind the counter, she had brown hair trailing down her back and her soft green eyes fell upon James. A smile played across her lips as she ran forward to greet him, “Hey babe” said James, Airia ignored him as she wrapped her arms around his back and kissed him passionately. A tingle ran down James’s spine as he took in her beauty. Perfume intoxicated him, her soft skin warm and soft against his hot and sweaty arms.

Airia broke away from James and crinkled her nose, “You smell disgusting” she said pointing in the direction of the staff showers. James gave her a sarcastic stare and slouched off in the direction of the shower.
Last edited by wizkid515 on Fri Aug 08, 2008 10:25 pm, edited 1 time in total.


Everybody wants to go to heaven; but nobody wants to die.




User avatar
Gender Female
Points 53415
Reviews 1125
Hey wizkid! Stella here!

Remember YWS's golden rule? Two reviews for every piece. I know that you've already posted at least one piece, so you know what I'm going to tell you, get reviewing!!!!

Right so...

I. NITPICKS

James was a well built 14 year old boy with jet black hair and piercing blue eyes.


Show, don't tell, for mercy's sake! Also, fourteen, never 14.

“GO AWAY WE DON’T WANT YOU HERE”.


No need for the caps, the verb "screaming" does enough.

just awaking


waking, not awaking.

to greet him, “Hey babe” said James,


to greet him. "Hey babe," said James...

Also, who honestly says babe anymore? My friends and I use it as a kind of personal joke endearment, but apart from that...

Airia broke away from James and crinkled her nose, “You smell disgusting” she said pointing in the direction of the staff showers. James gave her a sarcastic stare and slouched off in the direction of the


I think you forgot to paste the rest in :D

Okay.

I. PLOT

Um... where is it? He's going to work. But he's fourteen? Aren't there labour laws against that? Shouldn't he be in school?

But I'm not going to say anymore as it would appear that this is only half of the piece.

PM me if you have any questions about the little that I have said!

-Stella.
"Stella. You were in my dream the other night. And everyone called you Princess." -Lauren2010




Random avatar
Gender Female
Points 890
Reviews 7
James imagined they where screaming...
it should be "they were screaming"

“GO AWAY WE DON’T WANT YOU HERE"...
for that you should take off the caps and put an exclamation point instead
"Go away we don't want you here!" would be better.



from small country lane ..
from a small country lane

greet him, “Hey babe” said James,
to greet him. "Hey babe," said James,

i liked the use of babe btw.

also your story ends in the middle of the sentence haha.
but its good. :)



Time is not your best friend - unless you use it wisely.
— Marco Pierre White