Center Stage

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*Okay I just started this today and I was wondering if I should continue or if it's a lost cause.*

Rasia stood in the wings waiting for the music. Her body trembled with anticipation. Her trained eyes could barely make out the shape of Kevin standing, with his back to the audience on the stage.
Rasia heard the drums start lightly and then the singer start to croon accompanied by the guitars. Her feet moved on the word ‘doorway’ and Kevin held his hand out to her. Rasia’s legs gave under her dramatically as the lyrics continued to go on. Kevin did a chassé towards her and put his hands underneath her arms, dragging her to the middle of the stage as her feet moved lightly to help him.
Rasia had always loved doing the modern dances at the recital. They were always so much fun and their teacher, Angel, had a fun and spunky personality that she put into her choreography. But this dance was different. It was sad and slow. Angel had said the song was called Cellar Door but Rasia had completely forgotten who it was by. Rasia wasn’t really into the whole music scene. She’d just never really gotten into it so she didn’t really care what she danced to as long as the songs that her teachers picked were in time with the steps and made sense.
The stage lights glistened off Rasia’s pale skin as she started a fondu. It almost looked white next to Kevin’s olive toned skin. Her back to the audience, she lifted her leg in a developpé and Kevin grabbed it, tipping her body back a bit. As her back arched some of her dark curls fell from their pins.
It was time for the big jump. Rasia had been nervous about this. Kevin wasn’t a very good at catching a five pound medicine ball much less a hundred and ten pound dancer. They’d worked on it a lot though and Angel said he’d be fine.
Rasia ran at him quickly, all her weight on the padded part of her ‘paws.’ Her costume billowed lightly against the wind. She leaped and his hands grasped her hips and he lifted her up. He was breathing heavily but she knew that he was smiling. Rasia was proud of Kevin. Proud and thanking god he didn’t drop her.
The song and lights faded as Kevin slid Rasia down his body sensually and held her inches from his face. Rasia and Kevin heard the crowd applaud and sauntered off stage.
Their eyes glistened as they ran down to the dressing rooms, their hearts thumped with joy. When they burst through the door of their dressing room, startling their friend Evelyn, they started to laugh. They were overjoyed by their performance.
“You guys were astonishing!” squealed Evelyn. Rasia looked over at the plasma TV just as the Little Mermaid started to play and five cute little girls in tutus walked on stage their hands held above their heads like prima ballerinas.
“Thanks.” Kevin breathed out heading straight for the mini fridge to get water. Kevin’s hands grasped two bottles and threw one at Rasia. Her hand quickly snatched the bottle before it fell. Rasia looked over at the costume rack after she heard Kevin plop onto the couch. She tip toed over to it and pulled her next costume off the rack.
“Raz, can’t you wait two minutes? You’re not on till after intermission.” Kevin said looking towards her.
“But this is my favorite one!” Rasia wined back.
“Yeah Kevin. It’s her favorite one!” Evelyn said adding sarcasm. She turned towards Kevin and Rasia, holding the curling iron in her hair. Rasia rolled her eyes and started to pull away the light brown fabric of what she was already wearing.
“All of them are your favorite.” Kevin told Rasia, chugging the rest of his water bottle and throwing it in the little trash can.
Rasia slid the costume down her torso and off her hips, kicking it away as she pulled on the flowing, ivory dress that seemed to fly when she spun. Rasia bent her head and stretched the crossing straps down her thin back. Her delicate fingers grasped her arm bangles that had sheer, billowy fabric attached.
Rasia went over to the second vanity next to Evelyn and sat down as she poured a little make-up removed onto a cotton ball. She wiped away the dark shadow above her eyes and replaced it with a loud violet. Her hand was steady as she painted on the liner thickly.
“I’ll be going now. Watch me.” Evelyn walked out in her black jazz shoes shaking her mini skirt attired hips. Rasia shook her head and smiled before she went back to applying her mascara.
“Do you remember what she’s dancing to?” Kevin asked, looking confused in his own mind.
“No, I don’t actually.” Rasia said, scanning her eyes for any little mistake. She applied a thin layer of pale pink lip stick before she plopped down beside her friend and Evelyn’s dance.
They’d all been friends since pre-k. All of them had even enrolled in dace at the same age. Five. The youngest our school would take anyone. It’d been ten years since then and they were all still inseparable.
Rasia slipped her ‘paws’ off and stuck them in Kevin’s lap. His head rolled towards her lazily and Rasia smiled.
“Please Kevin?” Rasia asked, coating her voice with sugar for him.
Kevin sighed and picked up one of her feet and started to massage it for her. Rasia reached over, having to bend her long legs a bit, and ruffled his hair.
“Thank you Kevy!” She cooed happily.
“You are welcome Raz-a-Paz” He replied, smirking as her smile fell at the mention of nickname she loathed.
Some say laughing is the best medicine but what do you do when you can't laugh anymore?

Multiple personalities are just good social skills.




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Hey!
I'm back! Thought I'd start off by reading your latest. Very nice. Some really good description. Bit of nit-picking...

Her trained eyes could barely make out the shape of Kevin standing, with his back to the audience on the stage.

Her trained eyes? Trained for what? Perhaps this will make more sense as the story progresses, but for now it seems a little irrelevant.

Rasia’s legs gave under her dramatically as the lyrics continued to go on.

Take off the 'go on'. Continued will do.

Rasia wasn’t really into the whole music scene. She’d just never really gotten into it so she didn’t really care what she danced to as long as the songs that her teachers picked were in time with the steps and made sense.

You repeat yourself here. You've already said she wasn't into the music scene. Just go with 'she didn't really care what she danced to'.

Kevin wasn’t a very good at catching a five pound medicine ball much less a hundred and ten pound dancer.

Chuck a comma between 'ball' and 'much'.

Rasia ran at him quickly, all her weight on the padded part of her ‘paws.’

What are these paws you speak of? I assume it's part of her costume, and if so tell me about it. It must be worth noting if it entails wearing paws...

five cute little girls in tutus walked on stage their hands held above their heads like prima ballerinas.

Comma between 'stage' and 'their'.

The youngest our school would take anyone.

Slipping into first person.

You seem to have an understanding of different dance moves and their names, but your reader may be unfamiliar with these terms. I certainly have no idea what a developpé is... It probably wont matter much, but if you use too many of these unfamiliar words your reader will just skim over all your beautiful descriptions of the dancing. Just keep that in mind.

Overall I think it is a great beginning. Your already hinting at the bonds between your characters and the dance was a beautiful introduction. I don't know what this story will be about, but I'll be waiting to find out. Definitely not wasting your time :D

~Hailey~ xox
Last edited by deavarna_satina on Fri Jul 18, 2008 6:43 am, edited 1 time in total.
The problem with falling for the enemy is that you can't take them anywhere ~a Titleless Tale




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Hey! I think the description in this story is really good, I like the way you describe the dance and the cancers physical descriptions and motions. You use a lot of dancing terms and don't define them, which is problematic for a non dance educated reader (I.E. me). If you don't want to chop up your flow defining them in the story then drop a glossary at the end of the chapter. It hurt my ability to 'see' some of the dance moves.
Characterization was sorta bland, like, I didn't feel the characters were all that interesting or fluid. Not boring mind you, but I didn't feel like they were anything more than dancers as far as development goes. The dialouge was pretty good as far as being realistic in a young adult manner but again wasn't as engaging as it could have been.
Your 'action' writing is really strong, just get the other stuff up to that level and you'll be great. Good job!



She conquered her demons and wore her scars like wings.
— Atticus