Young Writers Society

Hey everyone,
Today's poem is about a depressed girl .... Stuck in a hell that only she can see.
A hell that she has created herself...
Lorna
xxx

Heart stops beating,
Head droops dead,
Life is cheating,
Death is ahead,

White lights glaring,
An angel sings,
Looks so caring,
A loud noise rings,

Flames and fire,
Trapped in hell,
Feelings so dire,
Wonder why I fell,

Demons screeching,
Words so bold,
The dammed preaching,
Words never to be told,

Now I'm waiting,
For a savior or a sign,
It's me that I'm hating ,
In this hell of mine ...

That's very impressive. I like this portion the best:

White lights glaring,
An angel sings,
Looks so caring,
A loud noise rings,

Flames and fire,
Trapped in hell,
Feelings so dire,
Wonder why I fell,

I'ts a smart usage of an overly used cliche. I'd personally like to hear about her surroundings as she's down there though, like how would the things going on down there tie into her own hell to make it more personal for her. For example, Saying Liars lips flapping, but not a sound escapes. Saying this would tell me she's possibly lied to get here.

It's a great poem though and I really like it.

Hi Lorna xx !

Its Cookie again to review, Review!
Your poem is very In.Ter.Rest.Ing
To tell the truth, it becomes better and better day by day, man! :O

Anyway, I like the concept of these but you have tiny grammatical mistakes to done.
For instance, you poem doesn't have a stop. It all ends with a comma (",") . :S

Follow the red markings.

Lornydoo wrote:Heart stops beating,
head droops dead.
Life is cheating,
death is ahead.

White lights glaring,
an angel sings.
Looks so caring,
a loud noise rings.

Flames and fire,
trapped in hell.
Feelings so dire,
wonder why I fell.

Demons screeching,
words so bold.
The dammed preaching,
words never to be told.

Now I'm waiting,
for a savior or a sign.
It's me that I'm hating ,
in this hell of mine ...

That's all for now.

Overall: Awesome! Would give this a 9/10. (Y)

Cheers,
Cookie _V_

Hi there, Lornydoo!

I'm going to try to give you a good review, one that makes sense. xD

Okay, in the first stanza: I feel like you could've give us something more than just that. I suggest you to out of every line, make another line that explains more. That'll give your poem an attractive start. Eh... Wait, I'll explain exactly what I meant by that. You started saying: "Heart stops beating," and you can make it catchy by making up a metaphor.

And I say this, because I feel like you're rushing the poem. Though you gave us a great imagery. But when writing, take your time. Let your words fly around your imagination. And always remember that metaphors counts, readers appreciate them, especially if they're creative.

And the ending was lovely, by the way.

Good job! ^_^

~Solly<3