A Random Choice of Poems

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Points 2159

Reviews 35

Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:06 pm

HomelessPorcupine says... · Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:06 pm

Remember the Holocaust; Do Not Be Silent.

Some write
out of phobia -
a phobia of
inadequate expression
or of
vocalizing emotions.

I write
so that I
can breathe.
I write
out of phobia -
a phobia of death;
of silence.
I write for
the eternal salvation
of my soul.

The tool
of tyrants
and dictators -
their tool
is silence.

Do not be silent.

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Simile

Poetry without music
is like a politician
giving a speech.

Poetry with music
is like a politician
giving a speech
and handing out
whiskey.

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What To Do?

Writing is for pansies,
singing is a chore;
football is for men
who want to lose
their brain cells
a little bit more.

The Army is for heroes,
navy life is for a lout.
The Marine Corps. is just
Too tough.
(The Airforce seems easy,
but their uniforms make me doubt.)

A publisher is too stressed,
a lawyer is too hated;
how can I choose
a job at all
when all my paths
seem so ill fated?

Spoiler

**Partial Edit**

Last edited by HomelessPorcupine on Mon Sep 26, 2011 5:51 pm, edited 1 time in total.

"I can't afford a teddy bear, so I sleep with this contact solution."

Taran: He will not succeed in this. Somehow, we must find a way to escape. We dare not lose hope.

Fflewddur: I agree absolutely, your general idea is excellent; it's only the details that are lacking.

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Horizon

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Points 1240

Reviews 4

Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:30 pm

Horizon says... · Sat Sep 24, 2011 11:30 pm

Hey, I'm Izon and I'm going to review your poems. From the initial reading, I really enjoyed your poetry and I believe you have strong talent. With a little TLC, I can see these poems going from good to great.

As for the initial poem, I don't understand the title. I don't get a Holocaust feeling out of this at all. I felt like you were specifically talking about creative writing, or maybe... I don't know, people who need help and find it in writing, hence "write out of phobia".

Some write
Out of phobia - When you use "phobia" in this way, it seems awkward. I'd maybe use "fear" instead.
If the previous line is changed to "fear", this line should begin with a better introduction -
"Some harbor" A phobia of
Inadequate expression
Or of
Vocalizing emotions. Again, I feel like "vocalizing" isn't the write word. I would say "expressing", but with the use of "expression" in a previous line, that sounds repetitive.

I write I like the use of a new stanza, from "some" to "I"
So that I
Can breathe. Maybe put these two lines together - "I write/to breathe"
I write
Out of phobia - Again, phobia sounds weird
A phobia of death; Maybe a bit more specific? A phobia of mental illness, imaginative death? Something more?
Of silence.
I write for
The eternal salvation
Of my soul.

The tool
Of tyrants
And dictators -
Their tool
Is silence. This last stanza doesn't fit at all. I feel like it could be another poem if you work at it, but I'd kick it right out of this one.

Do not be silent. Same as above

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Poetry without music
Is like a politician
Giving a speech.

Poetry with music
Is like a politician
Giving a speech
And handing out
Whiskey. This made me laugh. I think it's humorous. If you weren't going for that, change it. But otherwise... I like it. A lot.

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Writing is for pansies,
Singing is a chore; If you want to change this semi-colon to a comma, you could, but it kinda works here.
Football is for men
Who want to lose
Their brain cells
A little bit more. I'd get rid of "bit"... actually, I'd clear this line. It's a very forced rhyme and it doesn't really work. Maybe "Football is for men/to clear their brains/a little more" or something, though it also sounds somewhat forced. The three lines between rhymes really doesn't appear to work, though.

The Army is for heroes,
Navy life is for a lout.
The Marine Core is just
Too tough.
(The Airforce seems easy,
But their uniforms make me
Doubt.) This all sounds very forced... it needs more natural flow, less forced rhyme, and a few less lines.

A publisher is too stressed,
A lawyer is too hated;
How can I choose
A job at all
When all my paths
Seem so ill fated? Again, same thing. The beginning is good, but the end... needs work, yeah. "How can I choose a job/when all the choices/are so ill-fated?", though I'd even try to change "ill-fated"

So yeah... I really liked the first poem, and the second, but the third could use quite a bit of work. You show great promise. Keep writing!
-Izon

Call me Reuth or Izon.
Watch me on deviantART!
Follow me on Tumblr

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Lumi

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Gender

Points 1626

Reviews 745

Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:12 am

Lumi says... · Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:12 am

Porc!

This may be the first review I’ve given you~ Let’s get started.

I really like your first piece, here. Now, there’s a very obvious disconnection between the content of the title and the content of the poem: there’s not really a nod to the holocaust (save the word ‘dictators’), and I really never would’ve put it together towards genocide without the title. So perhaps a tweak here and there could benefit you. Now, I am a fan of this first piece: the confession of catharsis, a sort of cathartic catharsis, as it is. I have a distinct desire for you to correct your capitalization and punctuation; it seems that you’ve bought into the misconception that all lines in poetry must begin with a capital letter. That’s not true, and that advice should carry through with you for the rest of your poetic days.

And honestly, other than beefing the first piece up a bit, I don’t have much to add. I love the lyricism and the carnal bluntness of the words. Heck, I even like the frequency of your line breaks. I think that’s what gives you the carnal feel, so you’ve definitely got a win here in my book.

__ __ __ __

The second piece just made me smile, honestly. I love your sense of humor, so that’s all I have to say. Hah. Also, you’re getting a like for this thread for #2 alone.

__ __ __ __

Your third, again, is fairly light. I want you to take some time under the hood of this poem and pay some attention to the rhythm and beats of each line and how you pull them off. There are definitely some places that feel forced (particularly football…a little bit more), and others that made me smile (uniforms make me doubt).

Just so you know, it’s Marine Corps.

All-in-all, for a light-hearted poem, you do really well. I love your stuff, and how you don’t try to carry so much depth with everything. It’s refreshing, almost Tom Lehrer-esque. Again, pay attention to your capitalization/punctuation, and keep writing. I love your stuff.

-Lumi

I am a forest fire and an ocean, and I will burn you just as much
as I will drown everything you have inside.

-Shinji Moon

I am the property of Rydia, please return me to her ship.

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Justagirl

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Points 2218

Reviews 297

Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:16 am

Justagirl says... · Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:16 am

Out of phobia -
A phobia of death;
Of silence.

Loved these lines.

Do not be silent.

Great ending!

Simile Is a kind of random and short poem. It's like it needs to be lengthened and elaborated on more. Because it's just a few words that are put together an have no emotion in them, it's kind of sad.

A (took out the word 'little' because it interrupted the flow) bit more.

What To Do? is also quite random and needs much more emotion. Although it's a little funny a poem is about emotion and imagery and (for me) venting your feelings. Both What To Do? and Simile are lacking in those areas.

I liked the first poem best, to me, it was really the only one that seemed a true poem. I don't really want to judge you on all of your poems just of the ones that I see here but if most of your poems seem like these (lacking imagery + emotion) then I recommend writing a poem when you are filled with inspiration and emotion. Both are very important: Imagery for the plot of the poem and emotion for most of the imagery and, of course, emotion!

Keep writing,
Just

"Just remember there's a difference between stalking people on the internet, and going to their house and cutting their skin off." - Jenna Marbles

~ Yeah I'm letting go of what I had, yeah I'm living now and living loud ~

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gleek456

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Points 1850

Reviews 82

Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:52 am

gleek456 says... · Sun Sep 25, 2011 12:52 am

Hey there!

I really liked all your poems! They were funny, and interesting.

Here are my seperate thoughts:

First Poem: I love reading anything about the Holocaust, because it just gives me a whole new feeling about how those poor people who died in those horrid concentration camps felt. Anyways, I love the concept, the form is great, and I just love the lines. Like Justagirl said, I also love the ending.

Simlie: Yup, that's definitely a similie. I liked the simlie. The comparisons are pretty funny, which sets a good mood with the reader. I have no nit-picks for this one.

What to do?: This poem needs emotion. The concept was confusing, because there were a lot of concepts running through my head. Emotion, emotion, emotion! That's what it needs.

Overall, I like all your poems! They're really good. Great job and keep it up!

- gleek456 <3

YOU'VE GOT THAT ONE THING

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retrodisco666

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Points 189

Reviews 333

Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:28 am

retrodisco666 says... · Sun Sep 25, 2011 8:28 am

HI!

I liked the first one as it had very little form, much like that of E.E.Cumings, and i liked what you were writing about. So I don't really have any points for this one, part from Well Done.

The second one i did not like. It just feels like a filler poem, it doesn't seem to have voice, or purpose or true meaning, bar a fault in a political system but a poem is not needed for this fact to be shown. It reminded me of Fat Sams Grand Slam, from the musical bugsy malone, but I don't think that was the intention.

maybe you could elaborate the poem more or write more, so that it has more about it?

The last one when i started reading I thought was going to be terrible due to the rhyme scheme, however, I was pleasently suprised. I liked the penultimate twist

So anywho, well done

~Retro Disco666

'I have loved to the point of madness, which for me is the only true way to love'
~Francoise Sagan

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Angelreader77

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Points 3055

Reviews 66

Sun Sep 25, 2011 11:32 am

Angelreader77 says... · Sun Sep 25, 2011 11:32 am

I really like your poems.
First poem : Now this was really interesting one , an unusual but really well expressed topic. Just a nitpick:

HomelessPorcupine wrote:I write
Out of phobia -
A phobia of death;Comma
Of silence.

HomelessPorcupine wrote:Do not be silent.

I love the ending!
Second poem: Now that was funny!

Third poem : It is nice but I think you kind of loose the flow of the words, especially here :

HomelessPorcupine wrote:Writing is for pansies,
Singing is a chore;
Football is for men
Who want to lose
Their brain cells
A little bit more.

Try making it a bit shorter.
Apart from that really nice poetry and a good choice of words!

-Angel

"The cure for anything is salt water- sweat, tears or the sea." --Isaac Dinesen

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Nightlyowl

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Points 302

Reviews 93

Sun Sep 25, 2011 11:52 pm

Nightlyowl says... · Sun Sep 25, 2011 11:52 pm

I loved all your poems. My favorite was:

Poetry without music
Is like a politician
Giving a speech.

Poetry with music
Is like a politician
Giving a speech
And handing out
Whiskey.

It made me laugh and it competly makes sence. Great job keep up the awsome work: 5 owls out of 5.

~Owl

~Nightlyowl

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mollycarraway

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Points 1236

Reviews 40

Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:01 am

mollycarraway says... · Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:01 am

Remember the Holocaust; Do Not Be Silent.

Some write
Out of phobia -
A phobia of
Inadequate expression
Or of
Vocalizing emotions.

I write
So that I
Can breathe.
I write
Out of phobia -
A phobia of death;
Of silence.
I write for
The eternal salvation
Of my soul.

The tool
Of tyrants
And dictators -
Their tool
Is silence.

Do not be silent.

THIS is a lovely poem. Seriously, it has such a great message in it, and it's so beautiful. I really think, though, that you need to reconsider your line breaks. It makes for very awkward reading.

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Simile

Poetry without music
Is like a politician
Giving a speech.

Poetry with music
Is like a politician
Giving a speech
And handing out
Whiskey.

I was a little thrown off by this poem. It most definitely is a fantastic simile, but I feel like it should be expanded upon MUCH much more. Describe the experience in detail. Tell me more, give some imagery. And definitely give it more voice.
Also, line breaks.
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What To Do?

Writing is for pansies,
Singing is a chore;
Football is for men
Who want to lose
Their brain cells
A little bit more.

The Army is for heroes,
Navy life is for a lout.
The Marine Core is just
Too tough.
(The Airforce seems easy,
But their uniforms make me doubt.)

A publisher is too stressed,
A lawyer is too hated;
How can I choose
A job at all
When all my paths
Seem so ill fated?

This is so cute! Talk about a serious predicament for modern adolescents. Haha but anyway, on to the reviewing part. I think the rhythm could use a little bit of working with. Read it out loud to yourself and figure out how you would want to do that. Also, just a little tidbit: I think you meant the Marine CORPS. It sounds like CORE, it's actually spelled CORPS. Screwy, I know. But oh well.

Overall, great job!! Keep up the good work!!!

"Music - that's been my education. There's not a day that goes by that I take it for granted."
-BJA

‎"I always thought insanity would be a dark, bitter feeling, but it is drenching and delicious if you really roll around in it."
-The Help

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