Dental Rehab

my teeth scream bloody
tears of holes

fill me up
fill me up
fill me down

light is scary, I like the
Dark(ness)

(Re)volving pain inside my
Crown. My crown is rev(o/lving)
inside my mind.

no, don’t
you’ll suck my life’s
saliva out and I will be

dry.


Burn burn burn
burn burn
burn
I.

exist in a vacuum
but I can’t get clean
I wish my teeth were whiter

Than my soul.

wither dentist
in my dream where all the cavities
are welcome.

While this piece does have good lyrical meter to it, and it would do very well as a song put to music, it is very similar to gothic style poetry I'd expect to see from high school age emo kids. It, I dare say, just doesn't feel original to me.

It seems more like you half-imitated something by E.E. Cummings. There was really no point behind it; there was no intensity, no invoked feeling. It was just kind of...there. I got the message out of it, and saw the symbolism, even if you didn't mean to place it, but all the audience has to visualize from this is...a jaw, maybe.

e e cummings totally.

Yup yup E E Cummings deffinately... Blegh

Although my currently drugs-orientated mind did see something more, but I know you didn't mean it so...

*laughs* I have no idea why the other people didn't like this it was HILARIOUS!!!! It TOTALLY cracked me up.

no, don’t
you’ll suck my life’s
saliva out and I will be

dry.

*HAHA. Okay, when I first read this I thought it said "No you don't, you'll suck out my life's saliva..." and I think it's funnier that way.

Burn burn burn
burn burn
burn
I.

exist in a vacuum

*AH! I like it! It looks so cool not to mention it's kind of like...oh, just awesome.

but I can’t get clean
I wish my teeth were whiter *don't we all

Than my soul. *try crest whitening it really works

wither dentist *HAHAHA
in my dream where all the cavities
are welcome.

SHWeEEEETtt. It made me laugh.

hey...my writing style is similar to yours maybe you'd like to look. Piecing it together is in other stories...if you feel inclined...haha lol

in all, I give this...*thinks hard* **** four stars


by the way--

light is scary, I like the
Dark(ness)

*AHhhhhhh...it's so beautiful. I changed my mind. FIVE STARS. TWO THUMBS WAY UP (don't you hate it when they say that in like, ALL of the movie commercials?

I don't get it. Too surrealistic.

YO, thanks for the replies, they were very interesting. Whille there defintely was meaning here, I can see how it might be lost in the structure of the poem. And the fact that some of you fund it funny is great, since that is certainly one aspect of it. The piece is generally about a man undergoing dental surgery without anesthetic, because he's in drug rehab, but there are some other metaphors in there.

Thanks for the advice. I think I'll go tidy it up later.