Untitled

Spoiler

As usual, all comments welcome. In addition, title suggestions would be much appreciated, even if it is something simple or obvious. Thanks!

The silver blade slides slowly along my skin;
I feel the sting down to my bone.
My flesh divides, making room for
this new being. Red cells seep out slowly
onto my skin. I glance over the fading white
scars beneath the fresh red marks, and wonder
now how this even started.

Something that once disgusted me so has
become my only retreat. I don’t know any
other way to make the pain disappear, even
for a short while. How have I come this far?
To drop even to this level? Creating physical
pain so I don’t have to deal with the emotional?
Seeing my skin tear under the knife’s cool steel:

it’s the only thing that calms me now. Lines of
red are drawn across my skin and I’m too far
gone to even think of coming back now. I can’t
help myself, can’t find anyone to help me. I scare
myself, but I can’t stop. What is wrong with me?
I don’t know why I do this to myself. I’m trapped
if I do and trapped if I don’t.

I’m held prisoner by pain; it draws me under,
as I drown in the depths of it. And I can’t stop,
need more, want more. Now the knife is my drug,
and I don’t care where I am. Find myself wanting
more all the time, as I lose myself to this sick
addiction. And the people near me, they ask me
why. Why?

You have taught me not to feel,
not to express what I need to say. My emotions
tangle up inside me until I have to cut them
out. And the relief it brings me is something
I know you’ll never understand.

This is amazing and true. It's heartfelt, too. I've never read anything that so perfectly combines pain, emotion, and want in such a beautiful way. I just hope you don't actually do this, or anyone for that matter. The poem itself is absolutely wonderful.

Wow, that was really good. I loved the imagery in the first stanza; it really caught my attention and made me want to keep reading. The last stanza as well was written really well. I have to say that that was not where I thought the poem was going to take me, so good job for being original! Keep writing!

I've had a good number of friends who were on the verge of doing such a thing. It's scary to me, but to them it almost seems like the only way out. Reading this poem really helps me know what's going through their heads. Because, you're right, I don't understand.
I loved this poem! Don't stop writing!

I liked this alot, because I have freinds who used to do this, but could never express why. You did a wonderful job with tdoing thatl, I didn't see any mistakes or anything.. Though I do have a suggestion for the title. While I was reading this stanza;

"I’m held prisoner by pain; it draws me under,
as I drown in the depths of it. And I can’t stop,
need more, want more. Now the knife is my drug,
and I don’t care where I am. Find myself wanting
more all the time, as I lose myself to this sick addiction.
And the people near me, they ask me
why. Why?"

The word "Prisoner" Stuck out. Maybe you could use just that word, or maybe those words together, "Prisoner by pain."

Just a thoght,
Amber.

Hey, tigershark!
I loved the concept and message of this piece. You've managed to explain an emotion in a new and original way. I can only say I hope you don't know from personal experience.
Nitpicks:

My flesh divides, making room for
this new being. Okay, this made me think of some episode from a sci-fi series where an alien invades the human body through an open wound...I think it's the work "being."

Red cells seep out slowly"Red cells" is a little too scientific for my taste. While I appreciate your originality in phrasing, it just doesn't seem to fit in. You're writing about raw emotion, and using such a scientific term gives the impression of detachment, if that makes any sense. Also, you used "slowly" earlier in the stanza. Maybe the blood can "ooze" or "course."

I glance over the fading white
scars beneath the fresh red marks,How can you see white scars if you've cut over them?

Something that once disgusted me so has
become my only retreat. I love this line.

How have I come this far?
To drop even to this level? Creating physical
pain so I don’t have to deal with the emotional? Personally, I don't like series of questions. Don't use questions to tell us what the narrator is feeling - show us. Or, you could replace the first question mark with a comma, make "to" lower case, and replace the third question mark with a period. I think I'm starting to ramble...

I’m held prisoner by pain; it draws me under,
as I drown in the depths of it. And I can’t stop,
need more, want more. Now the knife is my drug,
and I don’t care where I am. Find myself wanting
more all the time, as I lose myself to this sick
addiction. And the people near me, they ask me
why. Why?This stanza was beautiful.

My emotions
tangle up inside me until I have to cut them
out.Great wording

General Points:
For me, this seemed like it might fit into prose better. This is just my opinion, but I felt like you were trying to force it into the poem mold, and thus your line breaks didn't really flow for me. You might try experimenting with writing it in different structures.

I loved the overall idea of this piece. My critiques were very few and extremely picky, so yay! As for title suggestions, how about "My Steel Drug?" I'm really bad at coming up with titles. Great work, and as always, PM me if any of the above is confusing. Happy writing!
-Sea-

Hi there!

This poem was really deep and got your emotions across very clearly. As for title I would suggest: You'll never understand or My Drug.

Well, what I didn't like about this poem was the layout. Sentences were cut off and put onto a new line or even a new stanza and that kind of annoyed me. I would rather you had long sentences or rather made them shorter.

Seemed more like a really short story than a long poem, but it was really good and I enjoyed reading it a lot.

Deanie x

Hey tigershark17,

I think you've done a really good job with this poem. In poetry, misery and self-harm seems to be quite a reoccuring subject, and that bothers me - because not many people do a very good job of explaining how it actually feels. It all seems to add to the "attention-seeking-emo" theory that so many people seem to have nowadays.

You, however, haven't done that. You've delved deep into a self-harmer's mind, and explained with sensitivity and deep, desperate emotion how it feels. It's not a thing that many people can express so well.

It shows amazing insight into why a self-harmer doesn't just stop, into why they feel as if they're stuck in a rut and often can't remember what it felt like not to be in such a position, such a horrible state of mind.

You have taught me not to feel,
not to express what I need to say. My emotions
tangle up inside me until I have to cut them
out. And the relief it brings me is something
I know you’ll never understand.

This is such a true, beautiful stanza. I especially love the last line, purely because of its painful honesty.

The silver blade slides slowly along my skin;
I feel the sting down to my bone.
My flesh divides, making room for
this new being. Red cells seep out slowly
onto my skin. I glance over the fading white
scars beneath the fresh red marks, and wonder
now how this even started.

I also love this stanza; it's also so true. However, I have just one point I want to pick with this one - you've used the word skin twice and it somehow just sounds slightly off when you use it for the second time. It still fine - but I think that it would sound even better if you replaced the second one with something else. Perhaps something along the lines of "Red cells seep out slowly through the crevices" or "Red cells seep out slowly, dampening the pain" or "Red cells seep out slowly, moist and coppery". On second thought, none of my suggestions really fit ... but I'm sure you could come up with something else to make that first stanza even better.

I see why you have left the name of this poem as "untitled" as it's quite a hard thing to come up with a title for without sounding cliche or melodramatic in any way. Here are some of my suggestions:

- Understanding
- Numbness
- To Feel
- Pain
- Incisions
- Cuts
- Trapped
- Torn Skin
- Wounds
- Escaping

I don't know if you'll want to use any of these or not - none of them are particularly good. I think that the title should be something fairly simple but effective. I haven't managed to think of such a title yet - good luck in thinking of one!

~MorningMist~

I really liked your poem, it's so vivid and expresses the emotions felt by someone who self-harms very well. Personally i think it would be good if the title would reflect the emptiness felt by the persona rather than the addiction itself. But it's up to you . Also in the third stanza, I think you made a typing error "Linesof". Aside from that it's brilliant.