Outlived

Spoiler

Reviews are really appreciated! This is my attempt at a Haiku, and I think I've probably done it wrong. I've tried to make the underlying message as deep as possible. Enjoy ( well...)! And I've tried to do it the traditional way...ish?

Trees: mute, ignorant;
Yet our few years they surpass,
Our lifetime of flaw.

heey Amelia!
I don't know a lot about haiku, but I think you've done it right! XD
I like this poem and I like the message behind it. And yup, that's pretty much all I've got to say I think XD
Nice write! I enjoyed reading it
-qaralynn-

Hey.

Let me set your mind at ease and say that you did very well on this haiku. You followed all the rules. You had five syllables on the first line, seven on the second, and five again on the third. You used personification and unusual combinations of words. Well, okay, almost all the rules, and I don't know if this actually is a rule, but haiku are usually about nature. I realize you used "trees" as one of your precious five syllables, but they are mostly about nature, what you see, feel, taste, etc. Sensory things. But I've never really stuck to it as a rule, and I like your haiku, especially the title (I'm a title person, ya know?). Anyway, you did very well and it is a lovely haiku. Can't wait for the next one.

~Sleepthief

The title, like someone else said, is very nice, and is what drew me to your poem. I feel like you really struck a chord with this poem. The statements are powerful, contrasting trees and humans, humbling the reader and making trees seem grander, wiser than one might of thought. Of course your structure and form fit the haiku mold, and there are no errors to be found. My one tiff is that I feel like you failed to give the special haiku-esque essence of a "moment." Perhaps that doesn't make sense, in which case disregard it.

Spot reserved! Too busy right this second, but I'll get a review in this arvo!

Hi Amelia, here is my review, as promised.

First, well done on attempting a haiku. I find they're rather tricky to get right. To some of the other reviewers here, there is so much more to haiku than counting syllables! Read this for more information.

Second, your idea is a very good one. The comparison drawn between the ageless trees and the temporary human is good. Also, the overt statement of humanity's flaws and the necessary implication of the trees' perfect existence is clever.

Third, I have a thing to say about your execution. You have two very strong ideas presented, with a host of secondary ideas implied. This is exactly what a haiku is supposed to do. Also, it contains the 3 crucial elements of on, kigo, and keriji. However, two things I feel you could improve. Firstly, I think you haven't put your keriji in the best spot. I think the second line ties to the third better than the second. I would recommend you re-organise your ideas, re-write the piece to something like this:

Trees: mute, ignorant;
Yet they surpass our few years,
Our lifetime of flaws.

Here, the first idea is in blue, the keriji is in green, and the second idea is in red and purple. The purple text is what is known as a pedal point. It is sort of like a fulcrum on which the ideas turn. This technique not strictly necessary, but I find it helps me develop my keriji a little more by employing it.

Secondly, "tree" is a non-seasonal kigo. While this is fine, it could be better. Because the poem has a bleak, critical, almost cynical aspect to it, I think you should try to use a winter kigo. Perhaps try to incorporate withering, falling leaves, flowers out of season, or root veggies such as turnips or onions. These are all plant-related winter kigo. If you can, see if you can find a good saijiki (a list of kigo) book. There are some on the internet, but I'm yet to find a really good one.

Finally, Your topic has to do with human nature and vices (though not explicitly). This borders on senryu. Remember, haiku are short poems about nature, senryu are short poems about humanity. While I think this piece could be called a haiku, many haiku purists would disagree. But hey, it's your piece.

Overall, this is a very good attempt at haiku. Writing a great haiku definitely takes practice, so keep it up!

K