Mi sol, mi sol

Spoiler

Lazy today, acents appear after the vowel they're supposed to be on. Sorry is some of this is incorrect, I used my spanish 2 skills plus a dictionary. Translation at bottom. Don't use Google translate-it will turn out weird.

Mi sol, mi sol
Co’mo vueltas tu cara de mio
?Porque te escondes?

No ma’s haces me tocas con tu cordialidad
No ma’s haces dar tu’ calorante beso
Porque me dejadas aqui,
Y solo obscuridad restos

!Volves, mi sol, apareces!
Un nueva di’a llega,
Y el horizane esta’ brillando
Reflejar su luz en la tierra
Para darme tu sonrisa una vez ma’s

Spoiler

My sun, my sun
How you turn your face from mine
Why do you hide yourself?

No more do you touch me with your kindness (warmth)
No more do you give to me your warming kiss
For you have left me here,
And only darkness remains

Return my sun, appear!
A new day arrives,
And the horizon is shinning
Reflect your light on the earth
To me give your smile once more

Hi: I liked this poem. It was sweet. I didn't have to rely on the spoiler, and since my spanish is pretty basic, that's probably a bad thing. That's just it. The poem was basic. It was nice. But certainly did it pack no punch. Next time, spice up your writing with fluent imagery and vivid description. Aswell, writing in spanish may have been a bit of a turn-off for some of the other readers. I'm sure you wrote this in your native tongue, and true, more can be expressed that way from the heart, but do put English first, and the spanish as an extra. Just my opinion. Well done, and, gramtically, no errors.
Well done!
~ Amelia

First off, thanks for the translation! It really helped a lot. I went back and read your piece- the Spanish part- as a whole, and it seemed to speak more lovingly in a different language than in English. I like the fact you used Spanish, since that's a lot different than the other poems around here- obviously. It's good to branch out and use different methods to express yourself, which you went above and beyond to do. This speaks to those lonely and left to wonder whether their beloved will return spiritually to them- or that's the assumption I got. Thanks for sharing, and I hope you keep writing.

~Panda;;

LOL, so now I'm a native Spanish speaker, what next....

EloquentDragon wrote:

Spoiler

Lazy today, acents appear after the vowel they're supposed to be on. Sorry is some of this is incorrect, I used my spanish 2 skills plus a dictionary. Translation at bottom. Don't use Google translate-it will turn out weird.

Mi sol, mi sol
Co’mo vueltas tu cara de mio
?Porque te escondes?

No ma’s haces me tocas con tu cordialidad
No ma’s haces dar tu’ calorante beso
Porque me dejadas aqui,
Y solo obscuridad restos

!Volves, mi sol, apareces!
Un nueva di’a llega,
Y el horizane esta’ brillando
Reflejar su luz en la tierra
Para darme tu sonrisa una vez ma’s

Spoiler

My sun, my sun
How you turn your face from mine
Why do you hide yourself?

No more do you touch me with your kindness (warmth)
No more do you give to me your warming kiss
For you have left me here,
And only darkness remains

Return my sun, appear!
A new day arrives,
And the horizon is shinning
Reflect your light on the earth
To me give your smile once more

Interesting premise Dragon, I'm glad you presented most users with the alternative version English. Thankfully my own Spanish hasn't deteriorated so I could tackle this poem fairly well with limited mistakes in comprehension.

Firstly, there's a contrast between these two different versions of the poem in the speed and rapidity in which one can deliver it. Now...how much can we always expect that and cope for it? Not much. We would be hard pressed to deliver the same feeling across two languages. But, you see, this is where you premise, your aim falls. The charm in Spanish is its rolling speed, its fluid nature as its being spoken. The English version of this poem lacks all of that.

Your language while...affectionate to the sun, is dry. It's far too concerned with what the sun is doing, with what the sun. What is the sun to me, the reader? Why do I, the reader, honestly care about your sun? Consider this when you write in the future. If you write a poem, it's not about you and your object, but you, the world, the reader and how all of these work together.