Rosy Painted Butterflies

I wrote this around the time of the Victorian bushfires, so quite awhile ago:)
My friend wanted me to post something and I dont really have time to write something new right now, so I searched a really old and slow laptop (yes I put the effort into turning it on and waiting for it to load) and found a few things. Hope you like it!
oh, and im not sure what exacly it is; song or peom (though I can't help reading it to tune everytime), since it was never going to be anything.. but anyway here it is:D


Rosy Painted Butterflies:

The canvas, so delicate, slipped into the flames,
The memories, and faces, slowly burnt away,
And I’ll never see those rosy painted butterflies again,
No; I’ll never see your butterflies again…

But I’ll not forget, the eyes that picked the rosy paint,
Neither the careful hand, that made the very strokes,
Because upon that page, you wrote your name,
More beautiful than words,
I won't forget, no I cannot forget, your name…

The canvas, so delicate, slipped into the flames,
Your memories, your face, slowly burnt away,
And I’ll never see you paint again,
No; I’ll never see you again…


-Layla Flame

Hi! I really enjoyed this piece. To me, it seemed more a poem than a song. Really well done! Your style is simplistic yet at the same time beautiful. Here's a nitpick!

laylaflame wrote:
The canvas, so delicate, slipped into the flames,
And the memories, and faces, slowly burnt away,
And I’ll never see those rosy painted butterflies again,
No I’ll never see your butterflies again

This stanza is nice, but you use the word and far to many times. You don't need ( in my opnion) to put 'And' here ( see above in pink)

But I’ll not forget, the eyes that picked the rosy paint,
Neither the careful hand, that made the very strokes,
Because upon that page, you wrote your name,
More beautiful than words,
So I cannot forget, I won’t forget, your name…

You don't need a comma here (see top line in the pink) You also used the word 'name' twice and it doesn't flow so well. On the last line, you don't need to put 'name'. Also, on the last line, if you changed the order it would make it more dramatic. Ie- 'So I won't forget: no, I cannot forget...'

And the canvas, so delicate, slipped into the flames,
And your memories, your face, slowly burnt away,
And I’ll never see you paint again,
No I’ll never see you again…

Again, I feel that you use the word AND too much. Perhaps it is usable on the first line of this stanza, but you don't need it put it where you have twice in the middle.

I hope this review helps. All in all this was a great piece. thanks, AC xxx

Yeah you posted something!! When I read this I was like woah! I wish I could write this good hahha I shall read your other one now!

Wow, I really loved this poem ^_^ it was delicate, sad, yet... I didn't really know what it was about, which was great.

A bit of critique-yness:

laylaflame wrote:The canvas, so delicate, slipped into the flames,
the memories, and faces, slowly burnt away,
AndI’ll never see those rosy painted butterflies again,
No; I’ll never see your butterflies again…

I did the first one, but I won't do it for every line, it's NOT a capital letter, because you haven't put a full stop/question mark/exclamaion mark.

But I’ll not forget, the eyes that chose the rosy paint,
Or the careful hand, that brushed thevery strokes.
Because upon that page, you wrote your name,
More beautiful than words,
I won't forget, I can never forget, your name…

Okay a name IS words, words cannot be more beautiful than words, it just doesn't work.

The canvas, so delicate, slipped into the flames,
Your memories, your face, slowly burnt away,
now I’ll never see you paint again,
No; I’ll never see you again…

I loved how you reflected on the first stanza here, it was brilliant, however I think that the ending line could be much better.

Keep up the writing

~tinkem

Hi.. Like the first reviewer I'll also say that there is a lot of repetition.. Replace the words and you could make this good poem a very brilliant one..
The flow was smooth and gentle.. I understood what you meant about 'I can't help reading it to tune everytime'.even i read it to a kind of tune.. I think you did something right by waiting for that old laptop to boot and suffering the boredom all that time and then putting it n YWS because this poem is worth it.. I loved it!! Very well writen..
Harshita:)

thankyou for all your comments:D There very helpful:)
just like to explain my choice of words:
Because upon that page, you wrote your name,
More beautiful than words,
I mean this as in the painting conveys their name. Not that there name is actually written. So their name is the painting.. a more beautiful way of writing it:)
but anyway.. THANKYOU:p