Memories

You threw me down
All I can do is frown
You were such a heavy burden
Now my heart is broken
Our friendship shattered
Lives have been altered
Tears fall down my face
Memories I wish I could erase



Revised:
Thrown down
With defeat
Your lies were such heavy burdens
Our friendship now shattered
Previous views now altered
You face and memories
I wish I could erase

I don't think this is any better. Please Help!!


Please Critique!!

Hi jujubean. I'm not that experienced of a writer, but I'm sorry to say that I think that this piece needs some work. I like the feeling of the poem and all, but I think you can do much better with the rhyming.

Our friendship shattered
Lives that have been altered

I feel that that rhyme kind of disrupted the piece; maybe you could rhyme 'shattered' with 'tattered' or 'battered', if it fits with what you are trying to say.
I am new here at YWS, and my first piece posted here was a poem with a similar feel to this one. If you don't mind, could you take a look at it in my portfolio and tell me what you think? It would be greatly appreciated.
-Alex

Bonjourno...

"You threw me down
All I can do is frown
You were such a heavy burden
Now my heart is broken
Our friendship shattered
Lives have been altered
Tears fall down my face
Memories I wish I could erase"

Now first off, I really like where this poem goes,though the title sort of threw me off because it is plural, and the poem seems to only reflect on one thing

Definitely change it up-the words are very bland, and to be honest, dull
I dont think they really sum up what the incident meant-the shattering of a friendship deserves something more than "You threw me down, all i can do is frown..." it just paints a really removed feeling, and here you should definitely dig DEEPER

how bout

"Down you threw me, and here I lie frowning..." the here gives it a more NOW feeling, even if you're recollecting, you can give the feel of a present situation

in the next line, "burden" and "broken" don't really work, but neither does "me" and "frowning" but by establishing an imperfect rhyme scheme, you can make burden and broken work easily

I would try

"It was such a heavy burden, now our friendship broken..." here I replaced heart with friendship, making it more about the relationship than your broken heart, as if more was lost

But I would then turn around and use heart in the next couplet...

like this...

"My heart is shattered, our lives have been altered..." again the rhyme is imperfect, but it better balances the lyric than our and lives, which are both general, and I think it goes better with the last line, and it better synchronizes with the previous couplet, as the first one just stopped and the following one just started

like this

"As tears stream down my face, recollecting memories, wishing I could erase."

It ain't perfect, but I think this could be a truly exquisite little poem, with or without my changes, preferrably without them

I meant now our friendship IS broken, merci.

your poem comes across as sad. I agree with the other comment above^. you should re word your poem. it would make more sense. Over all it was pretty good. Just re word, re write, re post. Good Job

Thanks you guys I'll repost this popem soon after I revise it! Thanks for you alll the help!!!!

this is AMAZING!

I revised it, but I don't think it is any better. Please comment your oppinion.

Please read my revised version. I don't think it is any better, but I don't know..

You threw me down
All I can do is frown
You were such a heavy burden
Now my heart is broken
Our friendship shattered
Lives have been altered
Tears fall down my face
Memories I wish I could erase

This part's really good and it quickly got my attention,but the rest,well,I think the rhyming needs to be fixed a little and I didn't understand the last two lines.Did you mean "face"?Anyway,I really loved it.Honestly it's the best poem I've seen until now.keep up the good work.

Read the revised version below the orginal please! See what you think of that one!